thinks of Maya she thinks of summer days at the park on the swings trying to
swing the highest and late nights watching movies and talking about things they
couldn’t say to anyone else, when Riley thinks of Maya she thinks of that warm
feeling she gets inside of her when Maya laughs at a joke she made and how good
it feels to hold Maya’s hand, when Riley thinks of Maya she thinks of happiness
and feeling free.
this was how you felt about all your friends until first grade when she met
Farkle Minkus. She loves Farkle but it wasn’t the same as Maya and she could
never figure out why -or maybe she knew but just couldn’t admit it.
never admit it to herself but she doesn’t even know what it is, but now she’s
on her first date with this really nice boy who looks at her like she’s
everything he wants and Riley knows she doesn’t look at him in the same way.
And maybe it
isn’t the right time to let her mind think these things but for the first time
she’s letting herself think about the way Maya looks when she just wakes up and
the way she’s smarter than she realises and other things not about Maya, like
how the love interest in movies always seems a little more interesting and how
girl bands seem more talented than boy ones and how when a girl at school was
called dyke and Riley flinched and spent all lunch helping her clean her locker.
Riley thinks about these things while Lucas is talking about having their
moment and oh god she thinks she could cry because here she is finally letting
herself think about these things and this amazing, wonderful boy is talking
about the two of them.
that that Maya has gone to talk to Josh and she seems giggly but also Maya and
when Josh leaves Lucas notices and tells her to go to Maya which is so nice
(isn’t that what she like about him). Maya pushes her to him again and she sees
a faint hurt in her face that Riley really doesn’t have the time think about as
she’s telling Lucas how glad she is that he’s her first date and she is even
though she doesn’t know what she’s feeling. It’s like she’s taking back what
she let herself think but Lucas is nice and handsome and her friend and she’s
liked him all year so that doesn’t stop being true so she kisses him and it
feels so wrong that she might cry.
gets home her and Maya sit and talk for about five minutes (she tells Maya that
her night was magical when really, she doesn’t know how it was) until Riley
makes the excuse of needing to sleep and Maya goes home none the wiser to the
war going on inside Riley’s head. She lies in bed for maybe half an hour
willing her mind to stop and just fall asleep but when she realises that it
probably won’t happen anytime soon she goes to the kitchen to get a glass of milk
and comes back to make a list. Riley’s always liked lists, they help keep order
and god knows does she need order at the moment. Riley starts to make a list
but instantly she feels tired and only just makes it to bed before she
collapses in a dreamless sleep.
Maya has been
really good at not pressuring Riley but soon she starts to along with everyone
at school everyone is all over he about Lucas, Riley can mostly ignore it but
the worst is Maya who seems so genuinely happy for Riley. So, she goes for it,
she blushes because she is embarrassed that they’re asking her about how she
feels and she hold Lucas’ hand and wow she’s relieved when he also thinks it’s
awkward but Riley can’t tell him that she’s pretty sure she’s the reason why it
feels so stilted and wrong. It is nice talking to him, how she wishes that they
weren’t a boy and girl so they could be friends without all the pressure because
Riley thinks they would make excellent friends.
They agree to
be just friends but Riley can feel his eyes on her and he looks at her like he
wants more and Riley just can’t give him more. She almost tells Maya this but
she doesn’t know what she would say so she keeps quiet.