Trying to Fix Kingsman: The Golden Circle
Okay, here is some basic shit we need to fix that would have made the movie absolutely stellar (Vaughn, take fucking notes):
- Cut the festival scene or have Eggsy put the tracker in Clara’s mouth. We still need to find out where the building in Italy is with the antidote, but maybe, just fucking maybe, we could make this less gross and uncomfortable for everybody.
- During the argument in the bathroom, maybe Eggsy and Tilde realize that their relationship won’t work out if Tilde isn’t happy with the idea of Eggsy having to do honeypot missions. After they break up, Eggsy’s devastated, but he still completes the mission and leaves. Tilde still gets high and she gets infected, and Eggsy still gives a shit about saving her because he still cares for Tilde, even if they aren’t fucking. In the end we could have him visiting Tilde after the fact and he is given an honors ceremony for twice saving the princess and the world.
- Merlin lives. Keep the scene where he crawls into the diner and let Harry have a proper reaction to Merlin possibly dying. Because Harry Hart wouldn’t just fucking salute him. They’ve been friends for decades, I refuse to believe that Harry would just salute him. Of course, time is of the essence, but when Merlin crawls in without his legs (preferably after “Merlin, this is for you,” maybe Harry mc-fucking-loses-it and hugs him like he did with Eggsy earlier (I also hate that Merlin and Harry didn’t get an emotional reunion, at least a fucking hug), maybe we go all Merlahad with this shit, who knows? I just want Harry to be tearing up when he sees Merlin crawl in and for Merlin to make a snarky comment about wishing he’d gotten this before his legs were blown off.
- Make Whiskey less of an obvious hypocrite. Address the fact that he both told Champ “not to make it personal” when talking about blue rash, and also made it personal when he wanted every drug user dead due to the actions of two. He could realize his hypocrisy, or we have him be very stubborn about his views even after he’s been proven wrong, but actually address his hypocrisy. Next, his thing with Ginger. Why didn’t he want her to be a Statesman agent? Was it due to sexism, or did he not want to see another woman he cares about get harmed? If the latter is so, then how about we have more scenes with him and Ginger? Develop their dynamic, get us to understand why he doesn’t want her to be a field agent. Maybe it’s a little of both, he thinks Ginger is too weak for the field and he also doesn’t want her dying when he could have prevented it.
- Roxy. We gotta get Roxy back. It wouldn’t be so hard to believe she survived the explosion. Not much to this one, have a post-credits scene of Roxy rebuilding Kingsman HQ and mentioning that they’ll have to work double on recruiting new agents, leading into the new movie where we can get new recruits, and…(not quite fixing TGC, but this would be fun in the third)
- Maybe the next one would even have Eggsy bonding with his recruit like he and Harry bonded. Another problem with this movie was that it seemed Eggsy sort of devolved as a character, making him less likable, and maybe that push he needs to become a proper, mature gentleman, is his first recruit. That could lead to Eggsy dying in the third (at least, temporarily dying, as that is a big part of these movies), with Harry as the new Arthur, Roxy in the fucking field, more Merlin being comic relief. Instead of focusing on the recruiting process like we did in the first film, how about we focus on how the agents are rebuilding and how Roxy and Eggsy react to their first recruits. We could hear the story of Harry’s first recruit, and we can end the film series with Eggsy finally becoming a man whose fulfilled his potential, instead of his potential being fulfilled at the end of the second movie.