I don’t wanna live no more. These times are hard and we all seem to grieve alone although we’re surrounded by a whole other population. I’ve dreaded life, for years now. How I continue to live, I don’t know. I ask myself that question every day. Nothing is easy, we’ve all discovered that. The hardest part of life, is to accept the fact that no matter how hard our life is, in the end–whether we were good or not–we’re rewarded to death. So I ask myself what the pain and hurt is worth for if in the end death is the only way out. Death hurts, but it’s completely normal and nothing to be afraid of yet we’re so hard of committing it. Love. What is love? People out there do love us, but sometimes those that do, don’t always make the right decisions for you. Whether they be your parents or just a guardian there to take care of you. Put that mask on because reality is, everyone does. No one knows each others secrets because there’s at least one secret in you that words can’t even explain. It’s so hard to describe what you feel but I don’t know why it has to be so difficult. The struggle is our own because in the end, we’re still all alone no matter how many people we’re surrounded by. I can’t deal with this anymore and in fact, it doesn’t matter if others out there have it worse than me because I wasn’t brought up the same way. I don’t have the same ways of living as they do so I can’t compare their life to mine and they can’t do it either. They can’t look at my life and say it’s flawless, because the truth of the matter is, no one’s life will ever be perfect or without defaults. The whole world is chaos and everybody knows it. We’re all just too afraid of admitting it so we all continue to struggle and fight to stay alive to just deal with it all and like I said earlier, just to be rewarded by death in the end. Everything in the world is so complicated for absolutely no reason and cannot even be explained with a logical and reasonable explanation of it. The whole word is a farce, nothing but humans trying to explain what they think happened and how we all evolved. When it comes to politics, those who believe in certain aspects about how they think the world should work, fight for what they think is right while there’s thousands others who are completely against it. Then there’s poverty which is highly overrated since if we reacted correctly, we could easily correct that fault and provide everybody with enough food and a normal day to day life. But all of us humans don’t think straight and make things complicated and don’t do the right things. Then there’s law. A bunch of humans years ago decided to put limits on the human race due to the fact that we’re all born insane. Without the law, the world would be even more chaotic or perhaps and surprisingly even more corrected and organized. We fight for our rights to live yet no one owns us so how does that make sense. We aren’t objects, we’re living creatures. Just like plants and animals; we’re treated the same. The amount of injustice is just complete nonsense. Then there’s the use of drugs. The concept of it is just too overrated when in fact it’s nothing as bad as rumor has it. I admit it, I’ve done drugs. Perhaps I’ve been more reckless than other girls my age, but I promise you that’s not what causes the depression or the lack of wanting to live and my different view on the world. Drugs enhance all that, they open your eyes. They aren’t healthy but then again, what is? Everything is a drug no matter which way we look at it. Even medicine so there’s no difference. Medicine saves us, drugs open up the world to a different place. All those authors out there who became famous due to their views or opinions were obviously not sober. The drugs make you talk, they may harm but they develop too. Too many things are getting overrated especially over what’s right or wrong. No one should have authority or judgement on anyone no matter what their age, race or sex is. That’s another form of injustice. To be prejudged just by living in sight of another humans eyes. Right there, is another form of unfairness. Nothing will ever be equal. I don’t even know how to correctly express myself. I’m not sure if any of this will make any sense to anyone else other than me, but the important thing is that its relieving to type up what’s on my mind and that is written for my eyes so there’s no importance to whether or not it makes sense to others. Because truthfully, I don’t care. I don’t believe in anything around the world, therefore, I live in peace with myself. That’s the only importance. I don’t think anyone could live enough to completely understand how the world works or what exactly it revolves around. It’s just impossible in all ways that most think may be possible. It’s just not. It’s not fair, why were we put here? The saddest part of that answer, is that no one will ever answer it.
Mom, why do you do this to me, to yourself.
Because of what has happened over the few years, I hate myself.