Day 1

Thomas Brown said 

“Where life is more terrible than death, it is then the truest valor to dare to live.”

It is one of the things that echo in my mind whenever I am having thoughts of ending it all!  And another one of my favorite quotes that often follow the above one is by Winston Churchill 

“All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope. “

Living life based on quotes seems easy; nearly blissful. But truth is always more stranger and might I say ickier than fiction. 

All this is new to me and a nagging feeling at the deepest core of my mind is taunting me for being a hypocrite as I used to abhor people with “blogs”.. the so called “bloggers” and now I have joined the party so to speak.. I wont say my reasons are different or my cause more appealing than the rest cuz its not. 

My only reason to take up this initiative is to live.. This may seem simple to many people and it might seem like an obfuscated dungeon of duties and desires to others.. But living is a concept still foreign to me.. That’s not to say that I am a zombie.. (No matter how cool would it be if a zombie had a blog!!). 

For me, life was always filled with fear of tomorrows and ignominy of yesterdays.  Everyday, a struggle, from dawn to dusk. Sometimes the struggle seems apparent and sometimes, it takes the shape of neglect.  

But almost a year back, I took an initiative that changed my perspective of both life and how I was living it I began to see what was wrong with me which was something I had never done. I had just lived everyday one day at a time so infatuated with my past, that I could not see the mistakes I was committing  in my present. Soon, all those mistakes, each and everyone became blunders which altered the path of my life as I imagined it. But I havent given up.. I am not TKO’d yet.. Though I have been stuck in this rut for almost 14 years of my life, 

“The night is darkest just before the dawn. And I promise you, the dawn is coming”

All that I have to do now is have faith. Faith on my abilities to fight on even when I have nothing left to fight for.. on my persistence to push myself to uncharted territories of life experiences and most importantly, faith on my ability to just keep moving on ! 

Here is something I wrote a long time ago and was saving for a special occasion to put online… I guess this is as special as it can get for me now.. 

The Lullaby Of A Lose Cause

The Thought of living again passes by

A glimpse of afterlife makes me cry

Stars of desperation lingers on

Bad luck has fallen upon

I run you hide I shout you mock

Just like a ghost I walk

Depression is the word they say

But this is not the first day

Crouching in a corner I lay

You take me up I pray

An angel came by at the stroke of night

Said ‘to be a legend in life you have to fight

It is not your time to see the final light

Don’t let the storms scare your might

I wonder what I should say

So I asked ‘is there a way’

There was a silence to my utter dismay

Beneath the clouds of darkness I lay

Then thinking of you took evil thoughts away

You take me up I pray

With my eyes closed I sat in sunlight

And said to myself ‘Why is it so bright’

Scattered all around me white and yellow

I began to feel sad and shallow

I started to think of what I had become

Lonely, grouchy and devoid of everyone

Then thinking of you brought hopes of a better day

Now, you take me up I pray

Beneath the catacombs of fear

I lay alone under the oceans of despair

Listening to mellow songs everyday

Realising my life had no meaning all the way

Things have changed but they are still the same

Some heads held high with ego and pride and

Some are bowed in shame

What did I do to deserve this fate anyway

Now you take me up I pray

Just scheduled my first laser hair removal appointment! I’ve been saving up for this for ages, and am super excited for it. 

I’m getting a full Brazilian done (with a bit of a landing strip remaining; see below). 

Why am I doing this, you may ask? Well first off, it’s not to please anyone. I don’t really care what others think of my pubic hair (it’s mine), but I personally am not a fan. I feel itchy, sweating makes everything 500% ickier, and overall I feel unclean. I’ve tried literally every other hair removal method to no avail. Shaving, depilatories, epilation, waxing, etc. Literally everything. They all gave me horrifically painful ingrown hairs, no matter what direction I shaved in, how much I exfoliated, used after-treatment creams, etc. 

Not to mention that since my family is good friends with the doctor who does the surgery, we get 50% off. And I’m not likely to find those savings again anytime soon, so I figured, here we go! 

I’m sooo excited at the prospect of having this hair gone forever. 

suckertown asked:

It is 1:56am and I'm thinking about how sad I really am bc I just saw a post have a very happy man And I resent that

gordie u r such a bright star and that happy man has nothin on you. i hope you feel better soon because you deserve it  ☀ now get some sleep, bug. staying up will only make you feel ickier. 

send me a message telling me what time it is and what you are doing! (or whatever else you wanna say)

anonymous asked:

Idk why I thought u lived up north by Santa Rosa or something. I'm in the south bay & it's suppose to get to 102 today & there are clouds! I'm like, go away clouds ur making it ickier! At least we aren't in the valley. It's suppose to get to 110!

I’m glad I don’t live by Santa Rosa lol it’s always soooo hot there. but yah it’s around 100 here and sunny which is ok but not….ideal

Cons of living in a warm country: i cant use body lotion because it makes me feel warmer and ickier when i eventually sweat

i have 4 bottles of lotion (why idk it just piled up), all around probably 750 ml, when am i going to use them

i cant even use lip balm without worries i might wipe it off along the sweat on my face, we don’t just pap the sweat on our faces anymore we wipe it, it’s so hot you wouldn’t care about proper face papping (???)