iblog

For people who are in tumblr right now because they need escape

Hello, stranger.

You are not alone. Most people here feel the same thing. Probably not having the same exact situation but most people here, like you, crave for the kind of escape you think you won’t find anywhere else. You crave for a place where you won’t be judged, you will be understood and maybe you won’t be notice so you could experience that misery all by yourself.

Or maybe you are just tired. You can still survive that “outside world” but you need to pause life for few hours and just breathe. Yes, you aren’t alone feeling that way.

Or maybe you are one of those people who are feeling “fine”. The kind of fine that you use as a response when people ask you how you’re doing. Yup, the “I don’t know what I am feeling” kind of fine. Again, you’re not alone.

Or maybe, for a change, you’re here because you’re happy. Good for you then. In that case I hope you are not alone feeling that way.

I don’t know how you’re doing in your life right now. I don’t know what you are thinking, feeling, whatever. But I know what it’s like to be exhausted and wonder if there’s more to life than this daily routine full of things that make you question will this all matter in a decade.

So this is for people who are in tumblr right now because they need escape. I am not sure you came in the right place. But here’s one thing I am sure of: you will eventually get what you deserve. It’s up to you if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. Whether you are one of those people who are running from their problems which will eventually bite them in the ass or you are on of those people who I envy, who seem to have their life figured out.

Whoever you are, whatever you do, there’s no such thing as a perfect escape. Some sleep for more than their usual hours because they need to forget. Some drink all night and end up with painful hangover. Some write their hearts out and let words bleed for them. We all have different ways of escape but here you are now, reading this, probably expecting for something more motivating than this.

But here’s the truth: you cannot escape everything but you can have faith that the storm you’re experiencing now will fade. you cannot run away all the time but you can hope for greater destination than where you are right now. you cannot fake all your emotions but you can love yourself enough to accept the reality and help yourself to get these things over with.

I wish you’d sleep well tonight. You might be one of those people who will cry themselves to sleep again tonight. You might be one of those people who even wish not to wake up tomorrow. I don’t know what you’re up to but I wish you never lose the hope inside you. It’s the one thing greater than fear of what we are not certain of.

  • Matuto kang makuntento. Wag kang mainggit sa iba. Dahil hinding hindi ka magiging masaya pag di mo natutunan makuntento sa mga bagay na meron ka.
  • Matuto kang umappreciate ng mga bagay bagay. Yung kahit simpleng bagay lang yan, maappreciate mo lang yan hindi mo alam na may mga taong natutuwa kapag naappreciate mo yung mga bagay na galing sa kanila.
  • Matuto kang mageffort. Kahit hindi sa mga materyal na bagay. Yung kahit tandaan mo lang yung maliliit na bagay tungkol sa isang tao ayos na sakanila yun.
  • Matuto kang magpakumbaba. Di lahat ng tao ibababa ang pride nila para sayo lalo na kung ikaw yung mali. Wag kang magmatigas. Matuto kang humingi ng tawad.
  • Matuto kang maging palangiti. Hindi mo alam na may naiinlove na sayo sa simpleng ngiti mo lang. Di mo alam na may mga taong masaya makita ka lang na nakangiti. Yung saya na nararamdaman mo, doble nun yung saya nila pag nakikita nilang nakangiti ka.
To the friend I almost lost

What exactly is happening? Are we still good? Is everything really okay?

In the presence of silence, comes the awareness that we almost parted ways. You stopped bothering me the same way I stopped bothering you. We knew it but none of us even initiated to talk about it.

A storm tried to destroy us. Though it didn’t get to fully break us apart still it caused disconnection between us; like a WiFi connection that gets unstable during a terrifying storm. We felt the effect of that disconnection for some time — weeks or maybe a few months. We took a break as if we were a couple asking for some space.I started living my life without you, who used to be always by my side. Likewise, you did the same. 

“I miss you” 

“I miss you too”

We were actually talking but not in the way we used to. The long conversations including the short non-sense ones turned into one liners. Time passed by. The storm was gone. The connection became stable again. We are working on it. Slowly but surely. Careful steps … We are taking each steps carefully because one wrong move may tear us apart completely. We may not turn back the kind of friendship we once had, but I’m glad I hadn’t really lose you at all.

Gusto ko lang naman eh yung masaya tayo. Yung tipong kahit mag-away tayo, magkakaayos din agad tayo. Yung di natin hahayaan masira yung relasyon natin ng dahil lang sa galit, o dahil sa ibang umeepal sa atin. Yung pag may problema papagusapan natin ng maayos at hindi natin idadaan sa init ng ulo. Yung hindi lahat ng pagkakamali natin idadaan natin sa sorry. Yung tipong papatagalin natin yung relasyon natin hindi para masabi lang na matagal tayo, kundi dahil para patunayan sa iba na kahit matagal na tayo eh mas lalo nating minamahal ang isa’t isa.

And sometimes you will feel like God is not there for you. Like your lost or you are forgotten. You’re not. You’re still perfectly held by His hands wrapped within His grace. This is when miracles are in work. This is when God is working on whatever it is that needs to be done according to His will. What you need to do is continue to seek Him and have faith in Him. That way, you won’t lose the light He has prepared for you to follow.

Life with God isn’t bulletproof.

It means you can still experience deep sadness in spite of all the blessings you’ve got. You can still feel the negativity inside you you thought you already disposed. You can still feel like you are alone and miserable.

But life with God means healing. There is a slow and sometimes painful process of healing and letting go of things you thought will stay, like rage, sadness or even depression.

Life with God means deep faith and amazing grace. Faith that no matter what it is that hold you back from living your life you will still rise from the floods of pain. And God’s amazing grace that rescues you from all these misery and storms of life.

Life with God on earth isn’t bulletproof but it means you have Him and He’ll always be bigger than the storms and all the things life throws at your way.

OF COURSE MOST OF THE BOOKS WILL ALWAYS BE BETTER THAN THEIR FILM ADAPTATIONS. WHY? NO ONE CAN COMPETE WITH YOUR OWN IMAGINATION. WHEN YOU READ, YOU IMAGINE, YOU DIRECT YOUR OWN KIND OF MOVIE INSIDE YOUR HEAD EXCEPT FOR THE STORY LINE YOU CANNOT CONTROL BUT YOU VISUALIZE EVERYTHING BASED ON HOW YOU LIKE IT SO THAT’S HOW YOU GET BIG EXPECTATIONS WHEN YOU FIND OUT THERE WILL BE MOVIES MADE BASED ON THESE BOOKS.

“I don’t deserve you”

this is something i never want to hear. this is complicated. this will make me question my worth. this will make me question how you view yourself as a person. this will question the things i have been doing and maybe think all of them were wrong. this will make me stay up all night wondering what the hell is wrong.

is it you? are you tired of me? is that why you think you don’t deserve me? are you wondering if you could still keep up with me, with what i do, with my lifestyle and all these things that make me who i am? or you tired of making yourself good enough for me because you think you can never be someone i would want to spend my whole life with?

or is it me? am i really less the person i think i am? or you are now thinking that i am toxic? that i will never let you grow as a person? am i too much? is that why you don’t deserve me? am i really that bad? am i never gonna be enough for someone because i am the kind of person that no one ever deserved to have?

so please, i beg you, if you say this and you really mean it, tell the person why. it might be the end but at least save them the time of questioning themselves everything just because you feel like you no longer deserve them.

and if you are one of those people who wonder if you anyone deserves you because you’ve been told by someone you cared that they don’t deserve you, please know that you are just like any other person, capable of loving and being loved. maybe the timing just sucks or decisions lead to one thing and another that lead to chaos.

we all deserve someone who makes us realize we don’t have to question ourselves if we really deserve to be loved at all.

It wasn't love that wrecked you.

It was attraction when you saw his eyes for the first time and you don’t wanna look away but he saw you staring so you did.

It was a tiny little crush when you started stalking him and found out he’s good with the guitar and how much he likes to play basketball and chess.

It was fate when you were introduced to each other by some friend.

It was admiration when you realize how good he is when he talks and how compassionate he is with the things he does.

It was friendship that grew between you as time went by.

It was the love inside you awaken after a long time when he finally said “I love you”.

It was the growing love that keep you two closer to each other as you get to know him more and more each day.

It was patience when you realize it’s okay for him to be a little late in your dates because he has other important priorities.

It was support when you decided to be always there at his games and his other activities.

It was all love and then came miscommunication when you two had the first fight because of misunderstanding.

And yet, it was still love that made you stay.

It was jealousy when you saw him with talking to another girl and yet, it was love that made you understand he need some other people in his life too.

It was anger when he decided to do something that felt like a betrayal and yet it was love that made you forgive him as usual.

It was disappointment when he couldn’t be there for you again because he said he has other things to do and yet it was love that made you think it’s okay because he’ll be there next time.

It was rage when you found out there’s really another girl and yet, there’s love in you that makes you wanna hate yourself because all you did was forgave and move on. 

So no, it wasn’t love that wreck you. It was his mistake that broke your trust.

It wasn’t love that made you feel empty. It was the regret of trusting him all along.

It wasn’t love that let him do this. It was his mistake and probably a little of yours too.

It wasn’t love that ruined you. It was the plans you made that you know will never happen again.

It wasn’t love that made you feel so lost. It was the pain brought by the mistake made and the things you can never have back.

So no, love isn’t what wrecked you. It is what kept you whole above all things.

It was understanding, patience, trust and support that made it all easy.

Don’t blame love for the failure because love is what heals you in spite of all the things.

Love didn’t wreck you. It’s the absence of it.

“I miss you” is more than just “I wanna see you.” I miss you means come here, let me hug you so tight that you cannot breathe anymore and let me stare at your face for half an hour because I can’t go a day without thinking of you and please stay with me forever please because you are special to me. But hey, we all hide that feeling inside of us, right? Like our little crazy obsession with someone won’t be obvious. So have you told these pepople that you miss them already?

What made you think he’ll stay? His sweet words? His love letters? I understand you. I know you got your heart broken but face the truth, you once thought he’ll leave you anyway. You knew it before but you choose to ignore it because he made you feel like he’ll be with you for a long time. Now that he’s gone, is there anything you can do except bear the pain and write about it? No. Because that’s all you do; face the pain, try to get over it and move on eventually. You just have to believe that this heartbreak won’t even matter after a year.
—  K

I haven’t written something about you for a while and it’s good for me. I used to write as if you read these things when I know you don’t but I guess I have to let it out one way or another. No one cares but I haven’t written anything about you for so long is because I had a phase of self check and the things I needed to do after you left.

If you’ve read the things I wrote after weeks of our goodbye, you could still smell bitterness in every word. Probably a hint of regret and me wanting to get back at you or probably just get you back. I know, confusing. But still, those were feelings that are valid. As of that moment. But that moment is gone and the person who I was is gone. This is me now. The person who finally got over it.

Well, I’m doing fine now. Everything has changed but everything is just right. Not perfect, but just right. I had the time to check your online accounts the other day, just wanna see how you’re doing. Not because I miss you but because I still care about you. No. Not longer in that way. I see you’re doing fine. You’ve been busy, I can tell. Good for you. I found myself smiling upon looking at your pictures, not because it’s you but because I can finally look at you without feeling any hint of pain or resentment inside me. It’s just me, checking on an old friend.

I guess this is just me saying that it’s been great; you and I, but this, me being alone and happy in my life has been great too. You’ve been a home for me for a while and I’m glad you were once in my life but moving forward, as you’ve said before, had been hard but I’ve gotten to a point that I’ve loved myself more and people around me better. I learned that these past couple of months. You were in my life for a purpose and I was in yours for a purpose too. Maybe you weren’t the love of my life but at least for some time, you were the person I loved the most and if it ended in goodbye, it doesn’t mean we wouldn’t be okay anymore.

I am okay now. I hope you are too. Just take care.

—  8 months had been a long time
The Last One

Just a week ago, I had the courage of re-reading our conversations for the last two years in my phone. I came across some sweet messages like “wake up! i miss you” sent at 4 am while you’re there wide awake while I was deeply asleep. Then there are messages like “don’t talk to me.” followed by 3 days of emptiness that made me laugh and paused for a while to just imagine what it’s like if you’re here, with me, still having the same old routines of fighting and making up every single day. Would it be the same? No change of treatment? No coldness after all this time? You know, us. Just wondering.

After scrolling the almost endless conversation, I had a moment of thinking whether I should delete the thread of memories left for me. I was just staring at your photo in the upper left corner of my phone, you wearing that grey vneck shirt you wear all the time. Oh I loved that shirt. And the smell of it. Then I thought about how we spent most of our time together, in silence just sitting next to each other. We did talk a lot but it’s the silence that really kept us together. The comfort of being connected to each other without the power of words. Just us.

I took a deep breath and realized saving these messages won’t bring you back to me. It will just slow down my phone and probably bring me tears again when I re-read them. Then there was another long pause for me to think whether I must delete them or not. I decided to delete them all. It took a long time for my phone to get rid of the words that used to make sense to us back then. I didn’t feel a hint of regret inside of me. Instead, I felt a chance of new beginning. I smiled. Then I laughed. Call me insane but you’d really laugh when you finally realize it’s time to let go of what is holding you back. It was surreal.

After that I came over my blog, check the special tag I have for you. I didn’t delete all the posts, letters, photographs that involved you. I just read them all. I tried remembering the exact moment when I posted each memory and how I used to feel at that moment. Everything was a mixture of happiness, sadness, madness, regret, pain, calmness and contentment. I don’t think I could ever forget you. You will be buried in my mind someday and underlain by new beautiful thoughts and memories I will have for the next days, weeks, years of my life.

So now I thank you for everything. I no longer hold anger or anything for you. Just pure thankfulness and great wishes for whatever you have in mind that you dream for yourself. We could say it was fun while it lasted but now that it’s over (it’s been over for a long time but I never let go of it until now), I can finally give myself a new beginning I deserve. I hope you  will still grow in love and hope with other people in your life. You deserve it. I loved you, goodbye.

Do you ever think God cries whenever you feel ugly?

Like when you watch television then you see people with perfectly smooth skins with bodies that could be like the angels’? Or when you look at the weighing scale and you just want less or more and you feel like these numbers you see define you? Or you see someone who probably look more attractive / prettier / taller / smaller / etc than you because you feel like their beauty is less of your own? Do you ever think God just looks at you and just wanna hug you because of all creations, He spent more time creating and thinking about you so you could look exactly like that right now? 

I’m not saying you’re perfect because you aren’t. I’m saying you’re already beautiful in His eyes, whatever you look like. And it’s okay to feel like you need to change something in you because you’re not comfortable in your own skin. Like do you feel your weight is slowing you down? Then go work out and eat healthy. You can change anything in your body but it will never satisfy the desire inside you to fully feel beautiful because self esteem comes from God (even if there’s a word “self” in there). So if you ever feel ugly again, clean your face, look at the mirror and remember that the One who created the beautiful stars above created you and you are definitely more beautiful than those stars.

Is there really a God?
  • Someone: I don't really believe in god or anything.
  • Me: Okay. But have you been outside at night and you look at the stars and you just can't help but admire them? The universe is so vast and still unknown but we all know it's really beautiful. Have you tried looking into a microscope and see something so detailed whether it's a piece of a plant or a cell or whatever it is? It's so exquisitely made, right? So detailed that the whole thing it was part of before couldn't be right without a single part that you saw in the microscope? Did you also know that the earth is placed so right that if it's located an inch closer to the sun, we will burn and if it's an inch farther than it, we would freeze?
  • Someone: Yes. I've noticed those things.
  • Me: So there's gotta be something or someone behind all of these. There's gotta be someone so intelligent beyond our minds could ever be, someone who could explain our existence.
  • Someone: So what's the point?
  • Me: Everything is so beautifully made. Every detail of this planet, of this solar system, of this whole universe is beautifully made so that we could all exist right now. I don't think we just happened at some point. It doesn't make sense. If there's a creation, there's gotta be a creator.
  • Someone: Point taken. So there's a God behind all of this.
  • Me: And aside from those things, have you seen yourself? You're a work of art. There's gotta be an amazing artist who molded you into you are right now. God is showing Himself through His masterpieces. Who you are right now is His greatest masterpiece.
I used to think that finding the right one was about the man having a list of certain qualities. If he has them, we’d be compatible and happy. Sort of a checkmark system that was a complete failure. But I found out that a healthy relationship isn’t so much about sense of humor or intelligence or attractive. It’s about avoiding partners with harmful traits and personality types. And then it’s about being with a good person. A good person on his own, and a good person with you. Where the space between you feels uncomplicated and happy. A good relationship is where things just work. They work because, whatever the list of qualities, whatever the reason, you happen to be really, really good together.
—  Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming

“why don’t we talk anymore?”

“maybe because we’re both too busy with our lives and we don’t have the courage anymore to put on effort to just ask each other what’s up or whatever? and no, it’s not just me or it’s not just you. it’s both of us. we drifted apart and we let it happen so don’t blame me for it because i don’t blame you for it. if we really wanted each other in our lives, we won’t let that happen, won’t we?”