*drowns in my own tears*

But First: An Oral History Of 'Big Brother'
It's hard to imagine, but in the summer of 2000, there was no such thing as "The Bachelor." There was no "Amazing Race," no "American Idol," no "Fear Factor" and no "Project Runway." CBS took a lofty gamble

Highlighting the shows evolution, fifteen former Houseguests from throughout BB history share their perspective and experiences from the Big Brother house.

Topics include:

  • Casting
  • Moving in & Alliances
  • Twists
  • Daily Life in the BB House
  • Showmances
  • Producers and Diary Room Sessions (including their opinions on DR influence)
  • Jury House
  • Misc topics (Final 3 boredom, Money, Finale, Post BB etc)

Probably the best, most comprehensive article I’ve read about Big Brother. Def worth the read, especially if you’re a long-time fan of the show.

There are creatures which have evolved to live in coral reefs and simply could not survive in the rough, tooth-filled wastes of the open sea. They continue to exist by lurking among the dangerous tentacles of the sea anemone or around the lips of the giant clam and other perilous crevices shunned by all sensible fish.
A university is very much like a coral reef. It provides calm waters and food particles for delicate yet marvellously constructed organisms that could not possibly survive in the pounding surf of reality, where people ask questions like ‘Is what you do of any use?’ and other nonsense. 

– on universities | Terry Pratchett, Ian Stewart, and Jack Cohen, The Science of Discworld



Master List

Don’t Go - Mickey does what he needs to do to keep Ian from going to the Army, but it involves coming out in front of the Gallagher clan.

Surprise (Ch. 1) - Kash makes a surprise visit to the Gallagher/ Ball/ Milkovich bonfire in an attempt to get Ian back. Mickey decides to put an end to it, letting everyone know who he truly is and his true feelings.

Surprise (Ch. 2) - Ian and Mickey have a good time adjusting as a couple until they hear the news that Terry Milkovich is out of prison.

Surprise (Ch. 3) - Mickey becomes extremely protective of Ian in the face of their fathers, especially when Terry decides to end some unfinished business.

Surprise (Ch. 4) - Mickey surprises Ian by taking him on a date and telling him his plans for the future.

Panic - Ian has a panic attack after seeing Terry, and Mickey shocks everyone by the way he calms Ian down.

Drunken Karaoke - Fiona hosts a party to release some stress that was hanging over everyone. Frank brings a karaoke machine. Ian serenades Mickey and they resolve their issue.

I Need You - Mickey realizes what he needs to do to keep Ian from joining the Army.

You and Me (Ch. 1) - Nothing could ever make Ian Gallagher and Mickey Milkovich stop loving each other, literally nothing. (How I would’ve like 7x10 and 7x11 to go, plus more)

You and Me (Ch. 2) - Ian joins Mickey on the drive to the Mexican border. They dive deep into their feelings about each other.  

You and Me (Ch. 3) - Mickey comes back from Mexico to surprise Ian, and plan the wedding.

You and Me (Ch. 4) - Without warning Terry Milkovich gets released from jail. He tries to sabotage Ian and Mickey’s wedding.

Do You Love Him? - Fiona wants to meet the boy who occupies Ian’s heart, but after the latest encounter between the closeted couple, Ian believes it will never happen.

You’re Not Her - Monica returns and Mickey help Ian cope with it.

You’re Here - A group of guys hear Ian talking to Mandy about the guy he’s been hooking up with, so later that night, they decide to attack him, leaving Ian very injured. How does Mickey react to this?

I’m With You - It’s been a month since Ian left Mickey at the border, and Ian is more depressed than ever. Will Mickey come home for Ian?

Not A Burden - Ian is prone to having panic attacks. One day when Mickey and Mandy are at the Gallagher house, Ian has one and no one knows what to do but Mickey.

Figure It Out - The Gallaghers had been wondering why Mickey Milkovich is sleeping on the floor next to Ian’s bed.

Thank You - Frank hits Ian in front of Mickey, and Mickey’s reaction shocks the whole family.

Release - Mickey gets released from prison, but no one knows. The first place he goes is the Gallagher house.

What’s the Point? - Ian reacts badly when Mickey fucks Angie Zahgo.

Better For You (Ch. 1) - Mickey finds Ian the second he gets released from juvie and does something that no one could have expected.

Better For You (Ch. 2) - Lip and Mandy console their brothers on their relationship.

Better For You (Ch. 3) - Mickey proves himself to Ian, and they show each other how they really feel.

Cat Allergies (Ch. 1) - Ian and Mickey have been wanting a pet for a while, but when Ian buys Mickey a cat as a surprise, he finds out he’s allergic.

Cat Allergies (Ch. 2) - As Mickey does what he can to stay healthy while having the cat in their apartment, he’s forced to make an appointment with an allergist.

Cat Allergies (Ch. 3) - A stray cat goes missing, and Ian and Mickey find her trying to play with their kitten.

A Lot Of Fixing (Ch. 1) - Mickey gets released from juvie around the same time Ian gets out of ROTC due to extreme anxiety. When the Gallagher clan throws a party for Ian, everything goes downhill.

A Lot Of Fixing (Ch. 2) -  Ian agrees to talk to Mickey and his family about everything that happened.

I’m Not Leaving - Mickey’s been extremely nervous about something for the past couple days, and Ian finds out the hard way about what has been bothering him.

Secret Support System - The Gallaghers and the Balls overhear Mickey telling Ian why they can’t come out, and they chime in to let the boys know they support them.

Intoxicating - Mickey gets completely drunk while Ian is at work. When Ian comes home, Mickey pours his heart out to him.

Good To You - Based off of “Good To You” by Marianas Trench.

Family Life - One day Mickey and Ian have to watch Yevgeny and Liam. To say the least, Lip is surprised at how good Mickey is with children when he finds them.

It’s Okay To Be Scared  - Mickey Milkovich is the toughest and meanest thug on the Southside, but when someone brings something up about Ian or about him being gay, he complete freezes.

What the Fuck? - Lip overhears Mickey talking to Ian, and when he sees them he finds something completely unexpected.  

Fix This (Ch. 1) - While the Gallaghers are partying, Carl finds Ian beaten and crying. The family then makes their way to give Mickey a piece of their mind.

Fix This (Ch. 2) - Terry beats on Mickey in front of the Gallaghers and then sneaks off to find Ian when the Gallagher family got Terry off him.

Date Night - The date Ian and Mickey were supposed to go on at the end of 5x10.  

Different - As soon at Mickey comes home from the border, he finds out his mom dies and he needs to talk to Mickey more than ever.

Not A Girlfriend - Ian stops by Mickey’s work, and everyone finds out that he’s gay.

Took Him Down - The Gallagher clan is at the Alibi when Terry and themselves find out about Mickey and Ian’s relationship. When Terry goes to attack Ian, no one knows what  to do beside Mickey.

Drunk Love - Mickey and Ian walk into the house completely wasted and neither of them realized Carl and Fiona were in the room.

Ouija - The Gallaghers and Mickey play the Ouija board.

Fire - There’s a fire at the Gallagher house, Mickey finds out that Ian’s the only person still in the house, and saves him.

High As A Kite - Ian and Mickey get really high, lovey, and giggly.

So Much - Ian is married to Mickey when he goes away for three days on a work retreat. Mickey spends some time at the Gallagher’s house with Fi, V, Debbie, and Mandy to accidentally get extremely drunk and confess some things.

Knew It’s Real - Mickey and Ian fall into conversation about when they knew they were in love with each other.

Wedding Day - The day of Ian and Mickey’s wedding.

Pistol Whip - The Gallaghers walk in while Mickey is getting beat by Terry. They see Ian crying and know that they need to do something.

Momma - Mickey has a nightmare about his mom. Fiona and Lip overhear him talking to Ian about her.

You’re Sorry? - After Terry caught Ian and Mickey, when everyone clears out, Mickey goes to check on Ian.  

Our Kids - Ian discusses having another child with Mickey.

Secretly - Mickey catches Ian and Kash together. He tried to deny his jealousy as he storms off, but Ian finds him and it’s hard to mask.

Play Fight - Ian wakes Mickey up and it results in a little wrestling match full of tickles and laughs.

Jitters - Mickey has a panic attack and Ian helps him.

Perfectly Imperfect - Ian gets a tattoo of Mickey’s name on his chest.

Fucking Sleep - Mickey comes home completely drunk and awakens Ian from his sleep.

Obviously - Mickey comes out to the Gallaghers, and he is surprised by the fact that they already knew.

Gonna Be Okay - Ian goes manic and has a panic attack, and Mickey helps him out with a proposal.

Matters - Mickey rejects Ian and says he’s not gay, but gets jealous when he sees Ian with another boy. He then comes out to Ian and they fool around in a closet.

Worthless - Mickey falls into a depression, and Ian tries to help.

Protect Her - Mickey and Ian’s daughter brings home her boyfriend, and Mickey’s extremely overprotective.

Help - Mickey becomes suicidal after his father rapes him, and when Ian finds out it’s the farthest thing from happy, but they work their way there.

Dumbass - Ian and Mickey get in an argument and when Ian gives him the silent treatment, Mickey knows he needs to fix what he’s done.

To You (Ch. 1) - Mickey writes Ian a letter from prison.

To You (Ch. 2) - Ian writes a letter back to Mickey.

To You (Ch. 3) - Mickey reads the letter that Ian sent him.  

To You (Ch. 4) - Ian lives up to what he said on the letter and visits Mickey.

No Class - Ian and Mickey come home to see Amanda and her family at the house after the fight with Terry at the Alibi.

A Good Night - The night Ian and Mickey spent together before Terry caught them.

Movie Night - It’s movie night at the Gallaghers, and everyone gets their first glimpse of real affection between Ian and Mickey.

Deadman  - Ian and Mickey find out Terry’s out of prison; Terry finds Ian, and Mickey tries to do something about it. He needs to keep his family safe.

Lover Boy - Iggy sees Mickey kiss Ian, and confronts Mickey in the most supportive way. He then invited Ian over and tells Ian what Mickey told him. It ends in fluff.

Weird - Ian returns back home, and won’t tell anyone why he left. Mickey to desperate measures to get ahold of Ian.

Quick To Judge - Most of the Gallaghers are very disapproving of Mickey, but when Ian has a panic attack and Mickey helps him, they are proved wrong.

Past - Ian and Mickey’s children have a sudden interest in their fathers past.

Fucked Up - Ian regrets breaking up with Mickey, so he does something about it.

Name? - Ian realizes he doesn’t know Mickey’s full name, so he pesters him until he finds out.

Caring -  Mickey comes to a Gallagher party after being released from prison. Ian has a panic attack and Trevor tries to help, when Mickey steps in, he finds something out he wasn’t expecting.

Bad Day - Ian has a bad day work and Mickey helps him feel better.

Guardian Angel - Mickey is Ian’s guardian angel.

They’re In Love -  People watch Ian and Mickey, and talk about how much they love each other.

Pain -   Mickey had come home beaten up. Ian washed him up and pleaded for an explanation.

Is It Unnatural? - Ian and Mickey’s daughter come out to them as bisexual.

Work It Out - An alternate ending of Ian and Lip’s fight in 2x07. Mickey finds them going at it and steps in.

New Life - Ian goes to Mexico with Mickey, and this is a glimpse of their first few hours there.

Mine - Debbie’s friend tries to get with Mickey, so Ian shows Mickey who he belongs to.

Carl’s Helpers - Carl realizes he likes Molly and asks Ian and Mickey for advice.

Apology - After Ian and Mickey get in a fight, Lip finds out and gets Mickey to make up for it.

Here - Mickey has a nightmare, and Ian helps.

Shy (ALL 9 CHAPTERS) - Ian is a shy boy from the Southside, and Mickey is a jock from the Northside. When they get together, a lot of shit gets thrown at them, so how strong is their relationship? 

We’re Together - Ian and Mickey come out to the Gallaghers.

Please - Mickey walks into a Gallagher party a free man. He and Ian have the reunion they deserve.

This Is Forever - Ian is set out to find Mickey in Mexico and he gets a tattoo on the way.

Hey Mickey - Ian annoys Mickey by singing Hey Mickey.

Another - Ian wants to have another kid, but worries as he tells Mickey.

All About Her - Mickey talks to Ian about his mother on Mother’s Day. Ian decides to help Mickey honor her.

Important - Mickey surprises Ian with a birthday dinner.

Will I? -  At breakfast with the Ian, Mickey, Svetlana, and the kids, their daughter asks about love.

Help Him - Mickey gets to the Gallaghers after Terry beats on him and Ian, when he passes out, Kev, V, and Fiona take care of him.

On Edge (ALL CHAPTERS) - Sammi turns Mickey into the cops after Ian talks to her about a crime that he was involved in a few years back.

Bullshit - Mickey forgets his and Ian’s anniversary. He uses the Gallaghers for help.

Needy - A very sexually frustrated Mickey goes to find his husband at the Army base.

This Much - When the Gallaghers are teasing Mickey about how much affection he has towards Ian, he bursts and admits his love and something secret about his mother.

Cold - The Gallaghers and Mickey go outside on a snowy, winter day. Being that Mickey forgot a coat, he shares with Ian and ends up falling asleep.

Mockingbird - Based off of Eminem’s song, ‘Mockingbird.’


Summary: Ian has a panic attack after seeing Terry, and Mickey shocks everyone by the way he helps Ian calm down. 

Word Count: 1831

“Lip!” Mandy screams from the shared bedroom in the Gallagher household.

“What, Mandy? I’m doing something!” Lip yells back to his girlfriend from the kitchen where he is feeling his youngest brother Liam.

She screams for him again. “It’s Ian. Come here now!” The eldest Gallagher boy hears the panic in her voice and runs up the stairs and into Ian, Carl, and Liam’s bedroom. When he enters he finds Ian sitting on the ground against the wall and holding his legs to his chest. He’s rocking back and forth and violently sobbing. “He ran into the house a few minutes ago so I ran up after him. He was doing this when I found him.”

“Hey, bud,” Lip processes Mandy’s words and tries to approach his redheaded brother.

Suddenly, Ian stops shaking and tenses up completely. “Leave me alone!” He cries.

“I’ll call Fi,” the girl says and exits the bedroom.

“Hey, Mands, tell Carl and Debs to stay downstairs and watch Liam.” Mandy nods.

Lip tries to talk to his distresses brother again. “Wanna tell me what’s goin’ on?”

Ian shakes his head. “Go away. Go away!” He struggles to breathe through the tears.

The older brother frowns at this sight. He doesn’t know what caused this or how he can help it. Praying for Fiona to arrive soon he sits and watches his brother, and thinks of what to do.

“She’ll be here in ten,” Mandy reenters. She looks at her best friend softly. “Hey, fuckhead, wanna say what’s on your mind?” She forces a smile, but Ian ignores her and begins shaking again.

“Fuck,” Lip says.

* * *

Fiona walks in the front door to see Carl, Debbie, and Liam on the couch watching television. She can tell they know something is going on because Carl is gripping the edge of the couch tightly and Debbie’s body looks very stiff. Fortunately, they know when something is worth joking about and when it is not, so they keep their mouths shut and wait.

“Hey, guys, where’s Ian?”

Debbie turns her head quick to look at her sister. “Upstairs in his room.”

“Fi,” Carl says. “What’s going on? Mandy seemed scared.”

The oldest sibling kisses each of their heads. “Sounded like he’s having a panic attack. We’ll figure it out and calm him down.” She smiles weakly. “He’s okay, just a little shaken up right now.” The kids nod and watch their sister make her way up the stairs.

She steps in the room to find Lip and Mandy staring at Ian with sympathetic faces. Her face falls when she sees her brother crying and shaking in the corner of the room. “How long has he been like this?”

“About twenty minutes.”

Fiona sets her purse down on the bed, and inches towards her brother. “Hey, Ian.” When he doesn’t respond, she steps closer. “You okay? Wanna talk about it?” She studies him trying to figure out if he can even hear her, but she doesn’t think he can.

She turns back to the other two people in the room. “Do we just wait until he calms down? I mean anxiety attacks normally pass, don’t they?” Mandy suggests.

“The fuck has got him so worked up?” Lip cringes at the thought of what could have possibly hurt his brother so badly to cause this reaction.

* * *

Mickey makes his way to the Gallagher’s front door in hopes to see Ian. He feels bad for ignoring Ian since the day everything went down with his dad, but he hates dealing with his feelings. He’s never cared about anyone before, so he tries to keep it that way, but it didn’t seem to be working.

He had a plan to walk in and ask where his sister was. He assumed that Ian would be with Mandy since they’re practically connected at the hip. It’s very convenient sneaking with someone who’s always around, just happens to be difficult as well.

Mickey walks into the house, and looks around. When he sees the younger few of the Gallagher clan, he walks in front of them to get their attention. “Where’s Mandy?”

“U-upstairs.” Debbie says shakily. “Might not want to go up there, Ian’s having a panic attack.”

Carl nods. “It’s real bad. Barely fucking speaking, but we keep hearing him cry.”

Mickey suddenly feels his heart drop. How bad? What happened? He runs up the stairs, completely disregarding Debbie’s protests. When he gets to the bedroom, he sees Mandy, Lip, and Fiona surrounding his secret lovers.

Is trying to help out worth letting everyone know who he truly is? Is Ian worth it? Of course.

“Get out of my way,” Mickey says harshly. “Let me talk to him.”

Fiona scoffs. “Why the hell would I let you talk to him? You’re Mickey fucking Milkovich.”

“Guys, move. He needs to talk to him, Fi,” Lip says and Mickey nods.. He’s the only one who knows of the relationship. Fiona and Mandy share confused and frustrated looks, but they both step out of the way.

Mandy looks to her boyfriend. “What the fuck does my brother want to do with Ian?” Lip ignores her and they all watch to see what Mickey is going to do.

“Hey, Gallagher.” Mickey cautiously approaches the redhead. “What’s up?”

Ian begins to cry harder. He covers his eyes and tries to catch his breath, but it seems nearly impossible. Mickey’s heart is breaking looking at Ian like this. Giving no shits about the others, he sits on the ground in front of Ian and prys his hands away from his eyes.

“Hey, hey, baby, I’m here,” he says softly. “Come on, baby, look at me. I’m here.” Ian’s shaky breaths begin to slow, and his eyes slowly open. “Can you tell me what happened?”


Mickey feels anger bubbling in his chest as Ian tries to say the Milkovich father’s name. “Fuck,” he whispers.

“Listen to me, okay?” Ian nods. “You’re going to breathe with me. I’m going to count to ten and after each number we’re going to take a deep breath, okay?” Ian nods again.

Mickey grabs both of Ian’s hands in his own. “One,” they take a deep breath. “Two,” they breathe. “Now count with me,” Mickey says. “Three,” they say together. Once they get to ten, Ian is a little bit calmed down but still clearly shaken up. “Now what were you saying about Terry.”

Ian closes his eyes and tries to speak. “I-I saw him. He came into the Kash n Grab with–with a gun.” Mickey tightens his grip on Ian when he hears this. “I snuck out the back after I heard him threaten to kill me.”


“I couldn’t even run to you because you didn’t want anything to do with me. I thought you hated me.” Ian chokes up another sob and digs his face into Mickey’s chest. “I thought you left me,” his voice cracks.

Mickey pulls him closer than he thought was possible. “Hey, I’m never leaving you. This is it for me, you understand? You and me, right? I’m not ever leavin’ you, Ian, I’m not. I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry for making you think otherwise.”

“I-I know you don’t want to hear this but I really love you, Mick.” Ian looks into Mickey’s eyes and expects him to run when he hears those words.

Mickey knows that Ian thinks he’s going to bolt after those words were said, which hurts him. How could he have treated him so badly? He knows he doesn’t deserve the love that Ian Gallagher is offering him, but he hopes that he can be good enough for him in the future. This boy meant everything to him. Instead of ignoring the words or leaving, he grabs Ian’s face and kisses him passionately. He felt all of Ian’s worries wash out when the kiss deepened. It was the first meaningful kiss they shared, and he loved it.

When they pulled back, the corners of Ian’s mouth began to curve into a grin. Mickey wanted to see a big bright smile, so to help it along, he said, “I really love you too.” Ian’s smile turned so big that Mickey’s heart fluttered. They kissed again and smiled into each others mouth.

Once they separated, Ian noticed everyone else in the room. Their mouths hung wide open. He wondered if Mickey knew they were there, but he assumed not because he couldn’t imagine him spilling his heart out with everyone listening. Mickey gripped his hand though, to tell him he knew they were there and that staying right next to him.

“Shit,” Lip said. “I knew you two were hooking up or whatever, but shit,” he speaks in astonishment. Mickey is surprised he’s not as mad as he should be now that he knows Lip knew about them.

Fiona looks at Mickey, then looks at Ian. “Mickey fucking Milkovich?” She questions Ian and repeats her words from before.

Ian rolls his eyes. “Yes, Fi, ‘Mickey fucking Milkovich.’”

“How long?” Fiona’s mind is racing.

“Three years now,” Ian smirks.

Mandy now looks annoy. “You fucking assholes! Three years and no one told me? This is who you’re always talking about, Ian? My brother!”

“Don’t be mad, Mands,” Ian says apologetically.

“Are you going to tell everyone?” Mickey worries.

She comes closer to the two boys and punches them both hard. “No, fuckhead. Dad would kill you if he knew! I’m mad you didn’t tell me. I’m your fucking sister,” she points at Mickey. “And you,” she points at Ian. “I’m your best friend!”

“You think I’d let him advertise this to anyone in the South Side? Are you fucking stupid?” Mickey snaps. “And dad knows.” He gulped.

Ian nodded. “That’s why he came after me, he caught us the other day,” Ian says sadly. “I thought we were going to die–”

Mickey runs the hands that isn’t holding on to Ian through his boyfriend’s hair. “Don’t got to talk about it. Too fucked up. I don’t want to relive it, and I don’t want you reliving it either.” Ian nods and lets out a breath of relief. Mandy tunes down her anger.

Fiona looks at them sadly. Then she opens her mouth as if she’s about to speak but pauses before starting again. “Did you say three years?”

“Yes, what the fuck,” Mickey exclaims. “He came after me with a crowbar and then we hooked up, not too hard to understand.”

Lip chuckles. “Wow, romantic. I didn’t know things ran so deep between you two.”

“Didn’t want it to,” Mickey looks at his and Ian’s hands. “But look where that got me.” He looks away from Lip. He wishes he wasn’t such a pussy about being with Ian, but then again it proves how strong their relationship really is.

“It runs fucking deep,” Mickey says softly looking at his boyfriend as if he’s speaking to him rather than answering Lip. “Really fucking deep.” Ian smiles at the words.