ian dory

fucking misty eye of the mountain below

you had one job

to keep fucking careful watch

was it such a big deal that the sky might have been filled with fire and smoke

one job, misty eye

to keep watching over Durin’s sons

you stupid eye

one job

Feisty Little Hobbit

Summary: Imagine being Bilbo’s little sister and you are the exact opposite of him.

Warnings: A fair amount of swearing

Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4

“I’m going to murder these dwarves,” you say, ducking to avoid getting hit from a bowl. 

These dwarves just popped up out of nowhere and you were NOT happy about it. While Biblo was more subdued, you were not. You always spoke your mind and if it meant yelling, so be it. You and Bilbo were basically opposites. Your house is going to be in ruins if they keep this up.

They noise pauses as there is a knock on the door. 

“He is here,” you hear the wizard mutter. Seeing that you’re closest to the door, you go to open it.

The sight that greats you is that of a very regal looking dwarf. He must be very important. He nods at you as you let him in. You did not want to say anything in fear you might offend these dwarrow and stab one of them.

By now the others have gathered around.

“Gandalf. I thought you said this place would be easy to find. I lost my way, twice,” he says, nodding at who I remembered to be Dwalin, Dori and Ori. You watch carefully as Ori and Dori come close to bowing. He must be VERY important. “I wouldn’t have found it at all had it not been for the mark on the door,” the dwarf states as you close the door again.

“There is no mark on that door! It was painted a weak ago!” Bilbo exclaims as the dwarf hands his coat over to Kili, finally joining the unexpected party.

“There is a mark. I put it there myself. Bilbo Baggins. I would like to introduce you to the leader of our company, Thorin Oakenshield,” Gandalf introduces and you make sure to remember his name.

Thorin smirks, looking at your brother and for some reason it infuriates you more than it should have.

“So this is the hobbit. Tell me, master baggins. Have you done much fighting?” Thorin asks circling Bilbo and you clench your fists.

You may be 10 years younger than Bilbo, but you were still very over-protective.

“Pardon me?” Bilbo asks, sounding confused which makes sense. He wasn’t much of a fighter. You were. He didn’t know that of course, but that’s a story for another time.

“Ax or sword? What is your weapon of choice?” Thorin asks again, still eying him over.

“I do have some skills in conkers if you must know, but I fail to see how that is relevant,” Bilbo replies, straightening himself out to look not frightened.

Thorin smirks again.

“Thought as much. He looks more like a grocer than a burglar,” he states making everyone laugh.

That is it. You swiftly grab Thorin’s sword from his belt, twirling it a bit before pointing it at the dwarf’s neck.

Everyone looks at you in shock. They did not understand how you could take Thorin’s weapon from him so easily.

“You do not, Mr. Oakenshield, get to come into our home and insult my brother. He was gracious enough to feed the mouths of those that we do not know. I think he deserves some respect,” you growl out. Thorin is glaring a hole through your head.

The doorbell rings again and you finally lose your shit.

“If this another one of you fucking dwarves, I’m going to fucking castrate every single one of you!” You shout, moving to open the door again.

Instead of a dwarf, it’s your worst nightmare. You’re frown deepens more as you are met with the pig face of Lobelia Sackville Baggins.

“What do you want Lobelia?” you ask coldly. “I just wanted to tell you that you and your brother are making too much noise. It is not proper of a Baggins-“

“Listen here you utter twat! You are not a Baggins. You are a Bracegriddle. And for your information, we are also Tooks. Now, I am tired of seeing your ugly mug. So would you please do me the favor of kindly fucking off,” you shout, slamming the door in her face.

You turn towards the company and hand Thorin back his sword.

“I’m going to turn in before I just murder all of you,” you say, pushing pass the company and walkin to your room, but not before hearing Kili and Fili say, “we need her on this quest.”




Ian Dory is strong. In the last year he has sent Wheel of Life (9a+),  Paint it Black (8c) and competed in American Ninja Warrior. In this short film, Ian Dory discusses the process, heartbreak, and triumph of working mega-projects.