Saturday night was spent watching a few good movies while overthinking things.. I knew I needed a good kick in the stomach to realize I have been expecting too much all along. But I couldn’t release the great unrest I felt as the clock struck 12. My emotions were held in great restraint. Tears fell upon tired cheeks, but the quiet disturbance remained tight in my chest. The night was unkind, as it peered through my window, all ears towards my woes. But I couldn’t utter a single soliloquy. It felt disappointed and left, until the morning finally came. I Should Go by Levi Kreiss rings in my ears. I used to sing that to someone and now I am singing it again for someone else. Despite my crummy guitar knowledge, he’d listen to me while I teach him new songs. Despite my trying voice, he told me I was his nightly lullaby; And his voice and his gentle snores are mine too. I’ve never slept so soundly. I’ve been focusing a lot of here-and-now on getting better. Which also meant drifting away to the reason why I had to heal in the first place. Memories of the previous years are now scant and I am once again wanting to run away from everything, from this feelings. But the feelings remain familiar and warm. The warmth sends pangs across my numbed heart, for I know I may never feel it again.
My bed still looks the same when it’s unmade. The pillows remain scattered. The coffee still tastes bitter. The morning floor is still too cold for my feet. But when I wake up each day, I don’t feel the same, I feel older.