Suffering has a purpose, which is to connect you to your self. Suffering indicates that you got too involved and carried away by all the relative and transient things around you. That is what suffering is all about✨
I want to own every single
Inch of your body ,
And your soul
I dont want
Just to be part
of your life
I want to own every
single second of it
I want to fill your
every breath with
me me and me
Because may be after
that you will understand
how it feel to love someone
(all i want tonight is) something to relate to; all these old stories don’t have a drop of soul, they’re just a collection of part-time wizards and full-time islands, it’s so sad
(every page is) saturated with tears, the salt corrodes the ink and turns it into something ugly, something i can’t touch, it hurts to flip through the pages, god, bring me something else to read for once
every library is burning, the machines are taking over, how ironic i should care and be frightened by it all; i’m strolling past canvases and pretty people, there’s the smell of smoke, the smell of pottery baking, i want to be home
i’ve skipped through countries, time, space, stepped on different pillars, and all of that within the span of a few hours, just by walking through a gallery of portraiture and modern art madness
it seems unfair to leave the puke for someone else to clean up but i can’t deal with barf even if it’s my own barf i had to leave it behind i had to go outside and breathe under the stars; my mind is everywhere and i am nowhere
Thank you @minidodds for planting the idea of Barba and Chilton having a drink in my head. 😂 Can someone please write that?? 🙏😄 I would ask @ohbelieveyoume or @seekret-fanfic, but I guess they are busy with their amazing collaboration to celebrate their follower count. I can’t wait what you guys come up with!!! 💞
“Come on, you’ll be fine when you get inside!” My friend encouraged me as we neared the vivid neon sign with our tickets in hand.
Glancing past the entrance I saw various people, some chatting and others smoking. I kept my head low as we walked in, got my ticket checked and quickly followed my friend up the stairs, not wanting to risk losing the only person I feel like I can trust.
Mixed conversations surrounded us as we joined the queue for the bar, five different people working their way through the masses in need of a boost or some sort of liquid luck to get them into the mood. I eyed all of the drinks displayed in bottles or cans, saw the bartenders pour shots messily and have it spill down their hands. Once the shot was on the table it was gone within seconds, but I didn’t want to risk shots, not tonight.
My friend ordered our drinks and we picked them up, my boots clinging to the sticky carpet as we walked away from the bar to find somewhere to stand whilst we waited for the act to perform. The nerves only continued to build up in my stomach as I drank the sweet liquid, forgetting how easy it was to be disorientated with a little bit of liquor. “I, I’m just going to the toilets!” My friend yelled to me as the first act of the evening came on, leaving me stood there speechless and struggling to breathe.
Sighing I tried to calm and cool myself down by taking bigger sips of my drink, ignoring the sharp burn it gave me at the back of my throat. The longer she was gone the less I cared, the more I drank the more hazy everything was getting. A light tap on my shoulder I turned around, unsure who I was looking at in the dark lights. Snapping out of the music and my trance I glanced around, remembering where I was and how I was alone.
Dropping the empty plastic cup I could feel my hands beginning to shake but my arms remained numb. Desperation crossed my face as the person before me motioned to an empty space on the sidelines, away from the gentle sways or pushes and shoves. “Do you need some air?” His accent differed from my own, but his voice was soft, caring even.
Nodding I pulled my phone out to text my friend but struggled with the uneasiness of my thumbs. I merely sent her an ‘I’m okay’ so she wouldn’t worry of my whereabouts, or if she’d be aware for a while. The stranger guided me away from the live music and cheers, we walked slowly towards the stairs leading to the entrance. I could feel the cool evening air wrap around my ankles as my legs trembled down the stairs, gripping onto the stranger and the wall with equal amounts of urgency.
Standing in the doorway I took deep breaths as I lent against the cool wall, ignoring the eyes around us and the wisps of smoke passing outside. “Thank you.” I muttered as I kept my eyes closed, concentrating on my breathing.
“Are you going to be alright? Do you need someone or are you with someone?” He asked with such care, I wasn’t afraid, I didn’t feel the need to be away from the calming voice.
Slowly I opened my eyes which remained focused on my slightly scuffed boots. My eyes began to move away from my own feet and towards his, black lace up boots with larger marks and stains covered the sides leading to black skinny jeans wrapping around his legs. Swallowing the lump that remained lodged in my throat my eyes trailed further up his figure. A white top slashed with holes covered with a black denim jacket, barely hiding his muscles clenching in the restraining fabric.
Focusing on his face I just paused, I wasn’t focusing on my breathing or the fact that everything around us had become a bit out of focus instead all I could do was look at his eyes and a affable smile. His eyes were freckled with green in amongst the warm hazel, coated with thick black lashes. Dark blonde hair that was in slight waves pushed back, tied up in a small attempt at a man bun.
“You alright now?” He placed his hand on my shoulder, the light touch as opposed to being heavy handed.
Nodding I readjusted my dress, pulling it down slightly as the back rode up as I clung to the wall for ease. “Yeah, yeah I’m okay.” Sniffing I checked my phone seeing over ten panicked messages from my friend. “Let me just call my friend.” I moved away from him but stayed in doors, not wanting to willingly walk and hang around in a cloud of smoke and fumes.
“Where have you been?” She spoke loudly down the phone as the band could be prominently heard in the background.
Sighing I glanced back to the stranger who remained patient, focusing on me. “I, I couldn’t breathe, I just needed some air that’s all. And I,” Moving the phone closer to my mouth mumbled to her, “made a friend.” Smiling to myself she yelled nonsense back. “Nevermind, I’ll be back in a bit.” I proceeded to hang up and just send her what I tried to say, knowing that would be a better attempt of communication with her.
Holding onto my phone I pushed myself off of the wall and allowed myself to regain my sense of balance. He rushed over and held onto my arms, looking into my eyes with concern. “Okay?”
Nodding he smiled in response. “Do you, do you want a drink at all?” I asked him, I doubt he would but it’s always worth a try.
“Yeah, yeah why not.” We headed back upstairs and before we reached the intensity of the music he paused at the stairs. “I’m Ashton.” He spoke louder than he had to beforehand but it was clear, he wore a light hearted smile now, rather than a concerned look.
Yelling my name back to him I swear I could see dimples in his cheeks, even in the low lighting. Nearing the bar I ordered myself a new drink, something a bit different. “I’ll have a vodka martini.” I spoke up over the bar and showed my ID, she checked it and gave me the all clear.
Turning to Ashton I waited for him to order something, “I’ll have a whiskey on the rocks.” She nodded and proceeded to make it. Rummaging in my purse I pulled out some money but he stopped me. “My treat.” He winked and after some back and forth I gave up, gratefully accepting the drink.
We made our way down to the live music with our plastic cups in hand as I scanned the crowd for my friend who remained elusive. “I’m sure she was here beforehand!” Yelling to him he merely shrugged his shoulders, sighing I took a large sip at my drink to calm myself down and the feeling of relief spread through me as I saw her dancing on the sidelines. “I’ll be right back!” Giving him my drink he stayed still as I headed over to her, thankful she hadn’t left.
“There you are!” She squealed as she danced to the music in amongst others.
We spoke briefly and agreed to meet outside once it ended, waiting for our lift to get us. Hugging her tightly I yelled into her ear, “You be careful!” Like a Mum would have to do for her child in a playground. She merely rolled her eyes and motioned for me to walk away and rejoin Ashton, whom she was unaware of.
Accepting my drink back off of him we began to move closer to the dance floor without much hesitation. Swaying to the music I sang along, feeling relaxed and more easy going than before. Ashton sang too and as I looked up to him he was focusing on me with a soundless laugh, drowned out by the upbeat music.
Two more empty plastic cups later the band had ended, the music for tonight was over. We all filed out and I relaxed into Ashton as he held his arm around my shoulder and connected his hand to mine. Helping me walk down the stairs with more care I giggled as I nearly tripped. “Come on, watch yourself now.” He joked as he managed to remain fairly intact.
Once we were outside the bitter air nipped at my exposed skin, making me shiver. Removing his black denim jacket he motioned for me to open my arms, to which I obliged. Placing it on I felt goosebumps form on my arms as the warmth radiated through my upper body. “Thank you.” Smiling to him I found myself just staring at him, unable to tear my eyes from his.
Unaware I placed my hands on his shoulders, pushing myself onto my tiptoes until his lips were on mine. They tasted of bitter whiskey and full of warmth, he was delicate and caring but I wanted more. Hearing my name being called with such questionability I pulled away and turned around seeing my friend with her mouth wide open.
Rubbing my lips together I glanced back to Ashton, a nervous chuckle sounding from him as he scratched the back of his neck. “Hi.” I spoke up, giving her a small awkward wave. “Is Tom here?” She nodded and moved closer to us. “I’ll be a minute alright?” Giving her a pleading look she merely walked ahead, still in sight but giving us enough privacy for a goodbye. “Well Ashton, guess this is it.” Sighing I didn’t want to go, the musky smell of his jacket lingering already along with the taste of whiskey clinging to my lips. “But thank you, for you know, earlier.”
He placed his hand on my cheek, stroking my soft skin with a sweet smile. “I’m sure we’ll see each other again. Keep that okay? Gives me an excuse to find you.” Chuckling lightly he put his hands in the pockets before pulling out a piece of paper, along with some old gum wrappers. He glanced around and asked for a pen but instead I just passed him my phone.
“Cliche much?” I raised an eyebrow along with my sarcastic remark and he merely nodded.
“You’ve got to allow yourself cliche moments once in awhile, just let this be one of them.” Giving me my phone back he tightly hugged me before walking the other way.
As he walked I focused on the holes in his white top, his now exposed muscles and sighed as I reached my friend. “Looks like someone had a good night.”
The loud droning beeping of my alarm sounds and reaching my arm out of the warmth and comfort I love I hit the snooze button. Rolling over I rub my eyes and blink rapidly as I adjust to the morning sunshine. Sitting up right I glanced over to my chair where his jacket was laid across the seat and remained thankful that I bothered going out on a friday night for once.
Climbing out of bed my feet rubbed into the carpet, feeling the fibres rub against my skin as I adjusted to the cool room rather than the cosy duvet. I began to get ready and ran downstairs for some breakfast before my lift would arrive. “Ready for a new term?” My Mum asked with some joy to which I blankly stared at her. “Come on, at least try to be enthusiastic. It’s your second to last term dear.”
Forcing a smile she sighed, “You can’t say I don’t try to please you.”
Grabbing something for lunch I take the toast that popped out of the toaster, marginally burnt for once as opposed to filling the kitchen with smoke. “Don’t forget your sketchbook!” She yells as I run back upstairs, panting as I reach the top.
Peeping through my blinds the street remains quiet besides the younger students walking in their uniforms towards the bus. The days of those ugly jumpers and itchy trousers are ones I do not miss. Picking up my sketch book and bag I hover at my door before glancing back at the jacket. Shrugging my shoulders I slip it on, serving as a reminder of Friday night.
Hearing my phone sound I rush down the stairs and slip my shoes on before yelling a goodbye around the house, unsure where everyone was situated and joined my friend in the car. As I sat down she raised her eyebrows at my chosen jacket. “Oh shut up.” I joked as she drove on past the kids who shivered as the bus drivers kept the doors shut, refusing to let them on until it was at least 8:10 whilst they had a cigarette and exchanged small talk.
Once we arrive I climb out and put my earphones in, listening to the band from Friday as a distraction from the screams and squeals of children surrounding me. Walking past them I headed towards art, knowing this was always my morning downtime before things got busy.
In art I could relax, peacefully draw and be left to it without distractions. Mrs Callens always thought I had talent, but I just liked to draw what came to mind that day. Sitting down in my usual seat I opened my sketchbook and just began to draw some rough designs, unsure where it could go. A light tap on my shoulder alerted me as one of my few friends in that class smiled. Taking my earphones out she motioned to the front of the class.
Taking my eyes off of my sketch book my mind flashed back to the club. Music filled my ears although my earphones remained on my lap, the taste of bitter liquor and soft lips against mine, the urge of wanting to know more about him.
Turning to face the class as opposed to side on my breath got hitched in my throat, just like it did on Friday. A small smile was worn on his face as he examined the class, but as his eyes fell on mine it vanished, his eyes widened instead. Pulling on the jacket I swore mentally, I was wearing his jacket.
The sound of heels clicking sounded behind me as I uneasily turned my head to see who it was. “Okay students, I know you’ve only got two terms left but Mrs Callens has had to leave. This is Mr Irwin, your new art teacher. Make him feel welcome like I know you will.” She smiled to Ashton and quickly left.
Ashton remained quiet as all eyes except mine were focused on him. “Well, erm. Hi.” He stuttered and inside I felt myself falling apart. “Right, well like she said, I’m your new art teacher.” I lifted my head up to see him smiling uneasily and my eyes locked with his.
Two terms left, maybe this is one too many cliche moments for my liking.