i-was-feeling-bad-about-myself-but-now-i'm-not-so

I worry so much about Taylor (probably more than I worry about myself) and reading this article has just made me so sad because all I want is for Taylor to end up happy and have everything she deserves. She deserves privacy and the ability to have a relationship without it being torn down and scrutinized by the media, she deserves to feel safe and not have that constant fear that she’s being photographed and I just really wish things didn’t have to be this way for her. She deserves so much more than this!

so I haven’t complained much about this whole situation but I wanna get this out I guess. it makes me kind of sad and disappointed in myself that my idol is defending a person who bullied me. i don’t know, she’s the reason I spoke up about it and now I feel really bad about it because I’ve been accused of so many things and called awful names and it just makes me sad that the girl who inspired me to stand up for myself is also the girl who probably hates me because of it.

6

( x )

i. he told her that her smile reminded him of the moon.
there are over one billion stars in the sky.
she was the only one that mattered to him.

ii. it didn’t take him long for his eyes to be drawn to stardust.
he found another pair of lips that tasted like the sun.
the moon suddenly seemed too distant.

iii. he was a force stronger than any gravity.
he flitted from star to star.
she was trapped in his orbit.

iv. she had no way to break from his path.
he was her world.
she was a speck of dust to him.

v. she looked up at the sky and saw his eyes among the stars.
she forgot what it meant to exist for herself.
she had never felt so alone.

I haven't been doing that well lately

Just feeling so much shame, guilt, worthlessness, pain, sadness, lost, emptiness, numb and sometimes, anger.

Isn’t it just sad that how we can the number of emotions felt by our fingers.
What’s sadder is that we all know these emotions far too well, far too much for our own good.

That’s all I’m capable of feeling and this just proves nothing but the fact that I’m not functioning very well as a general human being.

"It's Complicated" (A JaXel Playlist) {LISTEN HERE}

01. Not A Bad Thing (Cover) - JR Aquino

"So don’t act like it’s a bad thing to fall in love with me. 'Cause you might look around and find your dreams come true with me.”

02. 7 Things - Miley Cyrus

"The 7 things I hate about you: you’re vain, your games, you’re insecure. You love me, you like her. You make me laugh, you make me cry. I don’t know which side to buy… And the 7th thing I hate the most that you do: you make me love you.”

03. Overboard - Justin Bieber feat. Jessica Jarrell

"It feels like we’ve been out at sea. So back and forth that’s how it seems. And when I wanna talk you say to me that if it’s meant to be it will be.”

04. Teardrops On My Guitar - Taylor Swift

"He’s the reason for the teardrops on my guitar. The only one who’s got enough of me to break my heart. He’s the song in the car I keep singing, don’t know why I do.”

05. For The Nights I Can’t Remember - Hedley

"Because if falling for you girl is crazy then I’m going out of my mind. So hold back your tears this time.”

06. I Wanna Be - Chris Brown

"Imagine that the pillow that you cried on was my chest,
and the tissue that you wiped your face with was my hand. Girl, imagine: if you needed advice about some other guy, I’m the one that comes to mind.”

07. Here We Go Again - Demi Lovato

"Hard as I try I know I can’t quit, something about you is so addictive. We’re fallin’ together. You think that by now I’d know 'cause here we go go go again.”

08. Dati - Sam Conception & Tippy Dos Santos feat. Quest

"Dati rati sabay pa nating pinangarap ang lahat… Dati rati ay palaging sabay na mag syesta. At sabay ring gigising alas kwatro y medya."

09. Just So You Know - Jesse McCartney

"I shouldn’t love you but I want to. I just can’t turn away. I shouldn’t see you but I can’t move. I can’t look away.”

10. Someday - Nina

"I know you don’t really see my worth. You think you’re the last guy on earth."

teeny welcome to sanditon ficlet

It’s hard to focus the rest of the afternoon, after Gigi’s call. There’s this pressing weight of guilt right in the center of his chest. It was a hard call for Gigi to make, he knows, and it bothers him. That she was anxious. That she feared his disapproval. That he made her feel she could disappoint him. Given their history together, these last few years especially, it’s not hard for him to understand why. But he hates that he’s inspired that kind of apprehension. His sister—his baby sister—should never have been afraid to come to him. With anything.

When he arrives home at his apartment and finds Lizzie curled up around her laptop on the couch, he knows she’s seen the video. (She’s been in San Francisco almost ten weeks. She’s had the key to his apartment for nine.) She peeks over the back of the sofa, sitting up, and smiles warmly at him. "Hey, you," she says. 

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|faith|

a lot of you guys know that I used to and still do struggle with depression and self harm. This has been a really intense struggle and by the grace and mercy of Allah swt I’m now two years clean. I’m so proud of myself and happy that I’m in a place where I feel better about myself and can see myself healing alhamdulilah.

IA when I become more qualified to do so id like to help young Muslim girls that deal with the same things I used to and still do deal with. I want you to not give up and if you need someone to talk to my inbox is open :)

I’m to that point where I’ve somehow convinced myself that everyone actually hates me \\:

So I felt weird and decided I didn’t wanna be around people so I went to read by myself and my mom came to see what was up and I started crying and she made tea and stuff but idk what it was and eventually she went to bed I said I would be ok and I couldn’t stop crying for like an hour so I put on my jacket and went to walk outside around my neighborhood and I was still crying some but I had stopped some and our neighbors (close family friends they’re like my second family) drove by me and stopped and were like what’s wrong come have tea with us and I was like no it’s ok I’ll be fine but I ended up going with them we sat in their living room and talked and it was so nice I think I figured it out (it’s kinda a personal family thing that I’m having feelings about it’s good not bad I promise and I know some people irl that follow me that I’m not sure I should say anything about tbh so that’s why I’m not explaining it although I will in time) and I drank tea and laughed and I think it was really good for me then they walked me back and my mom wasn’t asleep yet so I went in and talked to her for a while then we ate cereal now I’m finally going to sleep and I feel a lot better

Tomorrow I’m going home. For once and for all. I swear to myself, I won’t ever come back to this place. I’m finishing off this chapter of my life forever. I threw away my knives into a nearby lake, I wrote down everything I dislike about myself and burned it, and I decided that I’ve seen enough bad and sad things for now. I’ve hurt enough. Now it’s time to enjoy the simple things in life and wake up. I’ll do whatever I need to do to feel happy. If that means that I do things that other people consider dumb, then so bit it. Of that means that I’m going to enjoy the things that other people would dislike, then so be it. This is my life and I’m going to live it the way I want to live it. There are a lot of things that I dislike about myself but there is also enough about myself that I do like and I’m going to focus on that. So what that I might be a little chubby sometimes? At least my body is feminine. So what that my skin isn’t always perfect, I’ve got a lot of other things about me that are good. So what that I can be awkward sometimes, everybody is and if people are never awkward then that’s just really scary and fake. I’ve had enough negativity in my life and now it’s time to look at things from the other point of view. And I know that it won’t be easy, but that’s okay. It doesn’t have to be easy. It has to be possible, and so it is. And I know that I can’t just snap my fingers and expect everything to be easy or pretty, but I decided that I’m going to work for it and make my life pretty by myself.

i-am-adobo-chan replied to your post “i skimmed some of my 2011 fic and i’m pretty embarrassed by it i…”

Dude, thank you. Sometimes I reread old stuff and then I ask myself why I write. Who gave me a laptop and let me think for myself? They are so dumb.

my stuff is totally dumb!!! and yesterday i was having an off day, which majorly increased the negativity on my writing like whoa, but today i’m feeling a lot more positive and i’m kind of glad that i’ve changed my writing style and improved and like. you have to write shit to write good. like. i will still be embarrassed by it, but i’m also going to be a little bit fond of the writing style because ah ha ha, purple prose is amazing and i prefer it to hemmingway tbh (but again, not in excess james joyce and his madness stream of consciousness which i loathe reading virginia woolf) but it’s part of the journey, y’know?

all these embarrassing mistakes and reflections of oh man that was a terrible turn of phrase, bad characterization, bad storytelling devices is part of the process of improving and then realizing yep, i’m not going to do that again! and, okay, maybe there’s relapses, the offdays, things applicable in other stories not written by you that is also kind of part of this (never ever ending) learning curve, but i bet if you rewrote your old stuff it would be loads better — not just in writing style but how it was structured, etc. and i’m not saying that you should do that? but if you did, the difference would be pretty damn noticeable because you’ve become even more awesome the more you write.

xD, and like, yeah, the fic we wrote were dumb, but we were… idk. 2011. i’d be 17, and i had different approaches on how to write fic to how i write it now. and character development happens in all sorts of ways.

here is a little Weed Witch Wisdom, for u!

honestly? i am high on life at All Times. drugs are just a plus. i love myself and my life and everything is so good right now, and i know for a FACT that if anything ever is not as good, i will look back on all of this that i have & love in my life and my spirit will be So uplifted. i can get high on these memories of good times and feelings, and i can know that i’ll be good once and many times again. and, you know what? I can always get higher. in a literal drug sense and a figurative life sense. there’s always ways to feel better, no matter where you are and how bad it gets. there are ways to be comfortable and happy, and no matter WHAT i will always find a time like this to, well, be high. 

you can always get higher. 

☽✿☼♥☾

-lays on the floor, as per the usual-

Can’t remember the last time I did a personal update so allow me to ramble on about my life for a moment for anyone interested.

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today I’ve been feeling awful that I’ve let the house fall into such a mess (dishes piling up, laundry unfolded in the baskets, forgetting to keep the fire going, not cooking anything, ughhh) and like I’m just useless and let people down, but then I remembered that I’ve just had one of the most exhausting weeks of my life and I’m sick with a cold and I drove around day and night taking care of my grandma and her injured dog this past week which is the opposite of letting people down. shit, I’m really unfair to myself sometimes.