Summary: Dan locks himself in his room and refuses to leave. His feelings for Phil are tearing him apart.
Word Count: 1076
Warnings: Swearing, depression, slight mentions of self harm
“Fuck” I muttered to myself as I
opened my eyes. The blinding sunlight piercing through my blinds was
too much for me to take. I forcefully shut my eyes as quickly as I
had opened them. I couldn’t take another day like this. I tried to
block it all out and stay in bed for the rest of the day. I didn’t
want to face Phil, I was feeling so weak. I felt so vulnerable and
breakable. One look from Phil and I would shatter on the floor like
broken glass. Would he pick me up if I fell to pieces? If he knew
how I really felt about him would he stay? Could we still be friends?
I shrugged off the thoughts again, they haunted me everyday. I knew
one day my secret would come out. It was eating me alive, consuming
my whole being, leaving me hollow and broken inside. I was so twisted
and torn up. I loved him. I loved him too much to lose him.
I laid in my bed, wide awake, for
several hours. I had ignored several knocks on my locked door, and
didn’t reply to Phil’s texts. I knew he was worried about me. It was
almost six in the afternoon and I hadn’t left my room since the night
before. I felt bad, but I couldn’t face him, not in a time like this.
I couldn’t let him see me so broken, so far gone beyond hope. I was
hopelessly, desperately, and endlessly in love with him. I was
reminded of it everyday. Every time I ventured out of my room was
just a reminder of the feelings that were eating me alive. I couldn’t
bear it again. I sent Phil a text, letting him know I was still
alive. He called me three times, but I ignored each one. I couldn’t
hear his voice, it would break me again.
I laid there, as this carnivorous
animal consumed me from the inside out. I was growing thinner and
frailer each day. Today I felt it stronger than ever, clawing at my
insides like a tiger, or a lion, rather. My solitude was
disturbed at around 8 PM. Phil was banging loudly at my door. For a
moment I contemplated leaving the room that I hadn’t departed from
since 7PM the night before. I scratched that thought and buried my
face deeper under the covers. Phil was yelling at my door, crying,
screaming my name. I couldn’t ignore that. I never wanted to hurt
Phil, and lately that was all I had done. I knew he was worried about
me. He didn’t want to lose his best friend, but he didn’t know that
he already lost me. I was gone the moment I looked into his eyes and
realized that he was the only person I could ever love.
I couldn’t ignore Phil’s cries. I
stumbled out of bed, my frail body could barely move. I limped my way
to the door. Phil had quit pounding at my door, he had quit shouting.
Phil was just standing there, outside of my bedroom door, sobbing. I
could hear his cries, felt in that moment like I could die from guilt
alone. I wished I had never existed so I would have never caused him
“Phil?” I said weakly, it was more
of a yelp. My throat was aching. My whole body felt like it was
within moments of collapsing.
“Dan…are….are…you okay?” Phil
chirped. His voice was full of relief, yet worry, such a strange
“Phil, please,” I breathed out,
needing a moment to catch my breath. Exhausted from the exertion of
just getting to the door. “Please go, I’m fine.”
I heard no reply for several minutes, I
knew Phil couldn’t speak. I could hear him crying again.
“God damn it, Dan. Why can’t you just
let me in?” Phil said through his tears. I couldn’t reply. “Dan,
I swear, if you don’t let me in…”
He trailed off in tears again, and I
couldn’t stand myself for doing this to him.
“I’m sorry.” It was all that I
could say, and I meant it more than he could ever know.
“Please don’t hurt yourself, please”
Phil cried. “Please let me in. What’s wrong? Did I do something?
He didn’t do anything wrong. He
couldn’t. Phil was perfect. Phil didn’t deserve any of this. I got
the courage and I unlocked the door, and opened it to find Phil
collapsed on the floor. I couldn’t keep myself from collapsing on the
floor next to him. He instantly grabbed me and pulled me into his
embrace, and I just felt so guilty.
“God, Dan.” He said, his voice
muffled, his face was rested on the top of my head. “Please talk to
I felt the animal rage at full force.
It had taken control of me now, I was helpless as the words erupted
from my throat.
“I love you. I fucking love you,
don’t you see? I love you and it’s killing me”
Phil looked at me for a moment with a
confused expression, he looked as though he was struggling to process
what was going on. I was a mess in front of him. I knew I had lost
it. Without saying a word Phil carefully placed his hand under my
chin and slowly pulled us closer. He connected our lips in soft, yet
passionate kiss. I wrapped my arms around him, and returned the kiss.
Phil pulled away slowly and whispered, “I love you too, Dan.”
We laid there like that for hours. I
was afraid he was going to make me explain or talk about my
breakdown, but he didn’t. He just kissed me and held me. He knew
exactly what I needed more than anything in the world. Phil
understood me in a way that no one else could. I apologized profusely
for scaring him so bad, but he didn’t seem to mind. Looking back on
it all, I really wish I hadn’t let it get this bad. I wish I could
have told Phil how I felt and didn’t let it eat me alive. I had Phil
now. He was mine. He picked up the pieces of my broken glass, and put
me back together. I was finally complete in his arms now, and I never
wanted to leave.