i-wANT-TO-sCREAM

every bioware animation
  • back of the head scratch
  • a character shaking their head in disbelief or disgust with hand on their forehead, looking down
  • that kiss animation used since origins and in every mass effect game where they very slowly go in, hesitate, bop their heads around, and really go in for the kiss 
  • when a character, usually female, talks and puts their two hands in front of them like a robot and shakes them to illustrate their point
  • a character leans back on one leg with their arms loose
  • the exit-stage-right an NPC does after a conversation ends
  • angry limp wrist pointing
  • neck/collar bone scratch 
  • a slow crossing of the arms in times of suspicion
  • that punch animation 
  • drinking alcohol and violently shaking head
  • a character gives a half smile with an eyebrow raised
  • pointing behind with thumb, body turns very slightly

~To this Day-Shane Koyczan~

therapist: so tell me about yourself

me: you need to know before any of this that i am extraordinarily self-aware and have been dealing with this on my own for more than a decade so probably won’t respond well to traditional therapy techniques as i’ve tried pretty much everything that you can find on the internet for a long enough time to build up a tolerance for it all so you might have to work harder

therapist: alright then i’m going to suggest something a little different, you might have heard of this one but maybe give it a shot… it’s called…. “mindfulness”

me: alright so we have 45 minutes still but i’m just gonna go ahead and leave now.

What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I do anything right? Why do the people I care about the most always leave? Everyone promises that they will never leave me and they love me but sooner or later, they all leave me. Am I really that bad of a person? Am I really not even worth one person? Not even one freaking person stays. I accept people into my heart and trust them but all they do is rip it out and stomp on it until it’s no longer usable. Then someone comes along, repairs it only to destroy it again. I seriously have no one. And it hurts to be physically and emotionally alone. I sit home with no one, talk to absolutely no one. I bother everyone. I annoy everyone. But I understand it, I wouldn’t want to be friends with me either. I’m not worth it so why stick around? That is in my head 24/7. I hate myself too. I just want to drown all these pills and sleep. Never bother anyone, never annoy anyone, never hold anyone back. I don’t expect people to miss me. I honest think everyone will be like, “oh she killed herself, took her long enough, no one wanted her here anyway”. I’m not even worth one single person staying, why stay? My best friend doesn’t even care for me, that’s why she ended our friendship. My high school friends never loved me, that’s why they never texted me after graduation. I’m tired of giving my heart and having it ripped and torn. I’m just tired, period. I want to sleep. Sleep and never wake up to all the pain surrounding me. No more fake smiles, no more fake laughs. I’m not worth it. I’m not worth her staying, why should I stay and get my heart hurt by another person? I can’t.

Boy, was I wrong

I’ve been losing sleep thinking about you.
—  Please don’t do this