Is your nipples real brown?

1. I love that I can solidify my coolness with the fact that I used to wear Clinique Happy perfume and so does Ben Afflecks wife in this movie where she’s married to the dude who keeps money in the banana stand. I got this. 

2. If I hadn’t been on kid duty tonight I would likely have called in fat to work. I don’t have a job but I have a serious desire to show others where I stand on my dedication to my career. I was going to go see a band play. That’s my career. I’m like a Groupie but the only thing I suck is at life. 

3. I stopped tweeting like 2 weeks ago because I don’t have Twitter on my phone and the only time I tweet is when I’m drunk and the only time I’m drunk is when I’m at the bar and the only time I’m at the bar is when I don’t have a computer and the moral of this story is I lost 1000 followers faster than most presidential candidates once they are sworn in. You know what. I don’t need you. I once got retweeted by Kraft (macaroni and cheese) and if they know anything its how to completely ruin a bowl of pasta with neon colored cheese product and that I’m hilarious when I’m not at all. 

4. My son is having a sleep over and I was doing what I usually do at night, cleaning up the kitchen singing various 80’s tunes and a few Dave Matthews songs in my drive thru voice which is my voice but 3 octaves higher and his friend was like is your mom okay? My kid just rolled with it. Yeah she doesn’t have a job. Oh. Okay. Like that explains everything that is wrong with me. 

5. Do you think Heidi Klum has ever even eaten a hamburger? Let alone a Hardee’s thick burger or Carl’s Jr. for those of you east of the Rockies. Girl you need to shut that down. Seal it up. See what I did there. 

6. I’m totally on board with getting my kids a dog. No Korea means I can take on more responsibilities. I think we’re going to adopt a puppy once we find one that fits with the kids. 

Once you’re out of the house, I’m getting weimaraner's 

Whoa. Dream Big. 

You wanna know what we need more of? People actually talking about APH Sweden’s relationships with the Nordics OTHER THAN APH FINLAND like there is so much potential and yet everyone seems so focused on portraying him as following Fin around everywhere and being completely obsessed with him to the point where it’s creepy


Guess who was productive today

Not me