Is your nipples real brown?

1. I love that I can solidify my coolness with the fact that I used to wear Clinique Happy perfume and so does Ben Afflecks wife in this movie where she’s married to the dude who keeps money in the banana stand. I got this. 

2. If I hadn’t been on kid duty tonight I would likely have called in fat to work. I don’t have a job but I have a serious desire to show others where I stand on my dedication to my career. I was going to go see a band play. That’s my career. I’m like a Groupie but the only thing I suck is at life. 

3. I stopped tweeting like 2 weeks ago because I don’t have Twitter on my phone and the only time I tweet is when I’m drunk and the only time I’m drunk is when I’m at the bar and the only time I’m at the bar is when I don’t have a computer and the moral of this story is I lost 1000 followers faster than most presidential candidates once they are sworn in. You know what. I don’t need you. I once got retweeted by Kraft (macaroni and cheese) and if they know anything its how to completely ruin a bowl of pasta with neon colored cheese product and that I’m hilarious when I’m not at all. 

4. My son is having a sleep over and I was doing what I usually do at night, cleaning up the kitchen singing various 80’s tunes and a few Dave Matthews songs in my drive thru voice which is my voice but 3 octaves higher and his friend was like is your mom okay? My kid just rolled with it. Yeah she doesn’t have a job. Oh. Okay. Like that explains everything that is wrong with me. 

5. Do you think Heidi Klum has ever even eaten a hamburger? Let alone a Hardee’s thick burger or Carl’s Jr. for those of you east of the Rockies. Girl you need to shut that down. Seal it up. See what I did there. 

6. I’m totally on board with getting my kids a dog. No Korea means I can take on more responsibilities. I think we’re going to adopt a puppy once we find one that fits with the kids. 

Once you’re out of the house, I’m getting weimaraner's 

Whoa. Dream Big.