i-really-hate-myself-for-doing-this

Mutual Destruction - Jeff Atkins x Reader // Part Three

<Part Two

Playlist (Optional)

Sober || (Melodrama) - Lorde

Angel Of Small Death & The Codeine Scene - Hozier

A/N: I mean, I’m pretty certain you’ve all realised this now, but this is slow-burning. Jeff x Y/N ARE endgame. Don’t give up on this yet! Idk how I feel about this part though… I really hate myself for doing this to baby Monty…


“Nope! There’s still a bit in the bottom!” She giggled.

“Come on Y/N, I’m going to be way more drunk than you at this point!” Zach chuckled lovingly, but downed it anyway.

“No you won’t, I can’t even remember what I’ve had at this point. Your parents sure have a lot of liquor.” She looked around her at the empty bottles.

“For people who don’t drink, it’s quite impressive.” He snorted.

“I’m starting to think this idea wasn’t a good one. We’re on the top of a roof drinking alcohol!” She laughed manically. He joined in.

“WOOOOOO!” He shouted. “Honestly though, you know I’d never let anything happen to you, Y/N.”  He stroked her cheek. Leaning in for the kiss, she thought how she’d never love a boy as much as this one. He was made for her, she thought.

The taste of vodka, and tequila, and gin, and whatever-the-fuck-else they’d consumed swilled between their mouths. Some drunk kisses had the ability to chase a person into sobreity, then make them feel drunk all over again just off of the presence of the other person.

—–

“Hello? Earth to Y/N? It’s 3:30 and you’ve got a revision date with a handsome prince.“ Jeff chuckled, sliding into the seat next to her.

“Shit, hey Jeff.” She smiled, pushing her textbook forward to reach down and grab some more notes from her bag.

“I’d love to know the psychology of daydreaming,” He teased.

She rolled her eyes. “We’ll get there. Get a pen.”

After some hardcore studying separation anxiety in babies, Jeff cleared his throat.

“Did you manage to talk to Monty at all since last week?”

“You’re very interested in my love life, Jeff.” She smirked, looking up from her notes.

“Not really. More like I don’t want to see anymore damaged knuckles.” He winced.

“I’ll talk to him.” She pressed. He seemed satisfied with the response and nodded.

Once again, Jeff hung on to every word she said, making detailed notes and asking questions. It was kind of adorable.

“Next week is going to be an intense one. I’m guessing you have ‘The Psychology Of Love by Sigmund Freud?” She asked as she closed up her textbook.

“Uh, yeah.” He nodded awkwardly. “Isn’t he the one who had a thing for his mum?”

“Not quite, don’t worry you’ll see next week. He’s just who we’re starting with. As you know 20% of our final grade relies on our coursework surrounding our chosen psychology of love.” She pushed her chair in and slung her bag over her shoulder.

“Right.” He nodded. “I’ll see you next week?”

“See you round.” She waved to his figure leaving the library.

—–

As it usually happened on Summer days like these, the boys sat outside to eat their lunch and maybe throw a ball about.

“So, uh, Monty,” Jeff said through a bite of his sandwich.

“This is about Y/N, isn’t it?” Montgomery sighed.

Jeff cocked his head in a yes.

“I haven’t spoken to her since then. You can’t say ‘i-told-you-so’ yet.”

“I know, I just wanted to check how you were doing.” Jeff genuinely cared for his friend, and knew how much of a problem this was for him. 

But before Montgomery had a chance to speak, Bryce was back.

“Atkins, that hot brunette is eyeing you up.” He nodded in her direction. Jeff glanced back.

“Not again.” He muttered.

“What?” Monty asked.

“We had a thing last summer.” He shrugged. “It was nothing, literally, I don’t know why she keeps looking at me like that.” He threw his hand up.

That’s when Monty stopped listening. Why did Jeff deserve to feel the smugness of being totally completely right about Y/N because they were exactly the same. Monty didn’t know how he hadn’t noticed before. He’d known what Jeff was like, but it just seemed…different.

“It’s a bit warm out here really. I’m gonna head inside.” He stood, not so much as looking at the boys before violently throwing his lunch into the trash can.

—–

At the end of her psychology lesson the next day, Jeff approached her.

“Look!” He pointed to the ten mark pop quiz they’d done at the start of the lesson. “Only just over a week of your help and I’m already improving.” He grinned. She couldn’t help but mimic his expression, it was contagious.

“I’m proud of you Jeff.” She punched his shoulder as they made their way out of the classroom.

“Thanks, Y/N, really.” He called out as he walked backwards in the direction of his locker. She was really happy that she’d actually done something positive for once.

Her locker rattled as she entered the combination.

Y/N wasn’t evil, but her track record wasn’t the best, and for once, she had these high spirits which felt amazing.

In that moment was when it happened.

In her peripheral vision she saw Montgomery storming down the hall, headed in her direction.

“Y/N, we need to talk.” He slammed her locker door in front of her, barely scraping her nose. She inhaled.

“Not here, Monty.” She looked around at the surrounding students.

“Where then? You’ve put this off once, Atkins isn’t here this time to save you.” He moved in toward her face, his hot breath tickling her face.  Dammit, he was attractive, but hard work.

“Who said I needed saving? I just don’t want you to embarrass yourself.” She hit back coolly. Upon noticing he wasn’t budging, she added; “Fine, what is it?”

“So like I was saying before, we were so rudely interrupted, you’ve been ignoring me all week.”

“Not ignoring, just not actively paying attention to.” She leaned against the lockers nonchalantly.

“So what? You just gonna bang me and fuck off?” He was almost shouting now.

“Come on Monty, you didn’t really think this meant more, did you?” She scoffed.

“Well, going on a date usually implies that, yeah!” He shook his head in disbelief. “You know, I’ve actually liked you for a while now, and i thought ‘she’s asked me on a date, I’m the luckiest guy in the world.’ But i guess I was the unluckiest. I should’ve never fallen for you.”

“Jeez. My mistake. I thought you’d know by now.” She felt bad, she really did. But she couldn’t tap into that. The first time she’d approached Monty she’d addressed how they had known each-other so long but never done anything, and now she remembered why. The way her demeanor affected Monty must look awful to a passerby, and maybe it looked awful to the ghost of herself as well.

“I should’ve listened to Jeff!” Monty spat at Y/N. Quite the crowd was beginning to form around the two of them at the lockers.

“Jeff, huh? And what did he say about me?” She smirked.

“You’d break my heart. Or, in so many words.” He looked at her despairingly. His jaw clenched.

“Jeff’s a smart guy.” Her liquid cyanide voice dripped off her tongue, her eyes emotionless and harsh. Monty shook his head slowly, before turning and violently kicking the lockers, and storming out the way he came.

She rolled her eyes at the spectators, can never mind their own business. They started making their way away from her, leaving her in an empty corridor. Or so she thought.

“Did you have to do that?” A soft voice floated in from behind her. It was deafening. The voice she’d been trying to get out of her nightmares. It felt like she hadn’t heard it in so long, but that couldn’t be true because it visited her nightly. Her entire body tensed knowing who was behind her. She didn’t know what to do.

“Do what?” She asked weakly, not bringing herself to turn around, instead finding a very interesting spot on the floor to focus her gaze on.

“Y/N, I don’t know what’s happened to you since we broke up, but you’ve become a real bitch. Monty didn’t deserve that. I don’t know, is this some kind of revenge? Are you trying to get back at me or something by hurting my friends?” He voice was stern, with a hint of hurt. “Are you going to look at me?”

Shocked with a wave of her usual confidence, she swung round on her heel and faced Zach. He looked even more adorable close up. But she wouldn’t let that distract her.

“Zach, look, It’s sweet that you think highly enough of yourself to assume I’m not over you, But facts are facts.” And lies are lies. “You’ll just have to find some way to come to terms with the fact that I’m not still pining over you, and that believe it or not this is about me.” She faltered a little, but all in all the show was a good one. Oscar-worthy, maybe.

“Like I said, real bitch.” He scoffed, pulling on his bag strap and pushing past her carelessly. It took all of her not to break down right there and then. But she didn’t. She gripped her mouth with her hand and slumped against the lockers exhaling. What the fuck was she doing? What the fuck had she done?

  • friend: how've you been?
  • me: p good
  • stranger: how've you been?
  • me: i'm glad you asked. lately, i've been reminded a lot of a traumatic experience that happened to me and it is causing a lot of anxiety and panic attacks and dissociation and unhealthy coping mechanisms. it's tough, because this is all on top of being mentally ill and its difficult to tell if the trauma caused a lot of my illness or if the two are separate. meanwhile, i've been super troubled about eating lately and i can't stop thinking about how much i hate my body. haha i mean, i really, really hate myself, my dude. do you want to hear a story of a self-destructive thing i did five years ago? haha of course you do, so anyway-

i really really hate myself for doing this but here is natalie’s probable cause of death:

a concurrent secondary bacterial infection (most likely pneumonia  due to all the shit she coughed up in that bathroom but other respiratory complications could have happened too) developed from her flu, causing her lungs became inflamed and start to fill up with fluid. this disrupted the process of siphoning oxygen into her blood as well as getting carbon dioxide out of her bloodstream. usually it isn’t that bad in adults, but a. she had been sick for a week or so before without treatment and b. her condition was rapidly deteriorating, so while she sleeping her oxygen supply probably dropped to life-threatening levels. her body started to shut down to preserve air for the heart and brain, and she ultimately died of multiple organ failure due to a lack of oxygen in her bloodstream.

anonymous asked:

i really just hate myself so much, how do i stop this awful feeling inside of me?

By realizing that you’re only human, you are allowed to feel things. You are allowed to be in pain. You are also allowed to be happy. If you had one more day here, please don’t tell me you’d spend it hating yourself? My art teacher used to say– do as I say, not as I do. I hate myself too and I don’t follow my own advice, but you? You should most definitely consider it. You beautiful person, you.

bts wings // sentence starters pt.2

begin;

  • i can’t even imagine myself.
  • i now have emotions.
  • you make me begin.
  • smile with me.
  • i can’t stand you crying.
  • i want to cry instead.
  • cry with me.
  • you made me again.
  • fly with me.

lie;

  • i want to escape.
  • get away from me.
  • save me.
  • i’m caught in a lie.
  • i can’t free myself.
  • take me out of this hell.
  • i can’t free myself from this pain.
  • save the me who’s being punished.
  • i feel so far away.
  • you always come my way.
  • i’m still the same me.

stigma;

  • i’ve been hiding it.
  • i can’t endure it anymore.
  • why couldn’t I say it then?
  • i have been hurting.
  • i couldn’t protect you.
  • the wounds get deeper.
  • it’s just the heart that hurts every day.
  • you (who) was punished in my stead.
  • you (who were) [are] only delicate and fragile.
  • stop crying, tell me something.
  • why did you do that to me then?
  • i’m sorry.
  • forget it.
  • what right do I have to tell you to do this, or that?
  • even if (I try to) hide it, or conceal it, it can’t be erased.
  • are you calling me a sinner?
  • what more do I have to say.
  • please dry my eyes.
  • please illuminate my sins.
  • i can’t turn back.
  • i feel like dying every day.
  • let me be punished.
  • forgive me for my sins.

first love;

  • i remember that moment.
  • i looked up to you.
  • i yearned for you.
  • i didn’t know your significance.
  • i was content just looking at you.
  • i neglected you.
  • even if i have to leave, you’ll do well on your own.
  • we’re putting an end to our relationship.
  • before i knew it, you grew up.
  • we will meet again.
  • without repulsion you accepted me.
  • i remember that moment.
  • without you i am nothing.
  • don’t ever let go of my hand.
  • i’ll never let go of you.
  • i really can’t do it anymore.
  • you really can do it.
  • you’re always firmly by my side.

reflection;

  • i want to tell myself well done.
  • sometimes i really hate myself.
  • i really do hate myself.
  • fear holds my hands.
  • it’d be nice if i could have friends too.
  • the world is just another name for despair.
  • my joy and anxiety repeats each day.
  • i walk without purpose.
  • i want to be free.
  • i’m happy and unhappy.
  • i wish i could love myself.

mama;

  • i practiced every day.
  • she supported me.
  • i was determined to be successful.
  • i became the son/daughter i am today.
  • you can lean on me now.
  • you were my support.
  • i want to hold you.
  • you can smile.

awake;

  • ❛ it’s not that i believe it. ❜
  • ❛ i want to try holding out. ❜
  • ❛ this is all i can do. ❜
  • ❛ i want to remain. ❜
  • ❛ i want to dream more. ❜
  • ❛ it’s my fate. ❜
  • ❛ i will be covered with wounds all over. ❜
  • ❛ i want to struggle and fight. ❜
  • ❛ maybe i can never fly. ❜
  • ❛ i want to run. ❜
  • ❛ i’m just walking and walking, among this darkness. ❜

Okay so I really don’t like doing this but if you have a Twitter account and if you don’t mind please please Retweet this tweet it would help me a lot <3

It’s a retweet deal thing and if can get a certain amount of rts i can get a BTS album

I really hate myself for doing this but it’s the only way I can get that album

 Thank you sososo much if you retweeted it means a lot and i’m sorry

anonymous asked:

I binged. Bad. And I really really really hate myself rn what do I do??

just breathe. in through the nose, out through the mouth. you’re going to be okay. one binge does not ruin everything, even though it totally feels like it. it honestly happens to everyone. go easy on yourself, food is good for you! tomorrow is a brand new day & everything is going to be alright.

Love you very much & stay safe❤❤

gxas  asked:

Hey Kat. So I had my first HRT appointment last night. They had the papers in front of me and my doctor was going to write me my perscriptions, and then I told him I wanted to wait until after I told my parents I was doing it. I have to tell them Saturday, so I can still get my hormones next week. Any advice? Words of encouragement? I'm really hating myself for doing that right now.

You did what you thought was best, and you were honest. It mat delay you starting, but because you wanted to for a valid reason. You’re doing great hun ❤

anonymous asked:

I binged. Bad. And I really really really hate myself rn what do I do??

You can’t really do anything other than forgive yourself and remember that there is a new day tomorrow where you can do better. But I know the feeling :( 

anonymous asked:

Ok so , I'm bi , I know to a lot of people that's really not a big deal , but I'm from an extremely religious background and attend a catholic school , I feel like I'm surrounded by people who would never approve of my sexuality. I love my friends but I feel like they'll never treat me the same if they know , everywhere I've read they say "just tell them" but it's just not that easy , even thinking about it scares me but I really hate keeping it to myself. What do I do ?

“Just tell them” might be good advice if you’re reasonably sure that the people around you will be accepting, but if you believe that they won’t approve, then you’re right, it’s not that easy. If you don’t feel safe talking about your sexuality to your friends or family right now, that’s okay. 

If there’s anyone you know who you think would be supportive, and who you could trust to keep this to themselves for now, you might want to consider coming out to them first, and taking things slowly from there. If there isn’t, then you might want to keep this to yourself for a bit longer (at least in public - there are a lot of online LGBT communities that I hope you could open up to). Eventually, you probably will need to be honest about your sexuality, for the sake of your own happiness, but you don’t need to rush things if you feel that people will make your life difficult if they know. Coming out to a homophobic family while you still live at home, or to homophobic friends while you still go to school with them, could make your life more difficult than keeping this to yourself would. It might not! I’m not sure what your priority is, or just how much you hate keeping this to yourself. That’s a decision that you have to make, and whatever decision you make, that’s okay.

I could say things like “if your friends are real friends, they’ll accept you whatever your sexuality”, and while that is true, you may have to be prepared for the possibility that some of your friends aren’t real friends. But what I can tell you is that whether these friends are or aren’t real friends, you will meet many people as you go through life who do accept you, and support you, and who don’t treat you differently because of your sexuality. Right now you’re young and in kind of a religious bubble of people. As you get older, and grow more independent, and go to new places, you will find it easier and easier to be open about this part of who you are.

Step Bro...Fuck Buddy...or Love?

For the ones who haven’t read previous chapters yet … Just click the links below

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 /Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12/Part 13  / Part 14 / Part 15

Originally posted by theking-or-thekid

Please listen to this when JungKook and Kitten meets again


Genre: Smut ( NSFW ), Romance, Angst , Fluff

Members: JungKook & Jimin & TaeHyung & Reader

Word Count : 2159

I turn around and see Taehyung who is in low cut jeans and a loose tshirt which has cuts on here and there. What the hell is he doing here? I wave at him. He takes a few steps to me, seems curious.

“I heard about JungKook… Why did you guys even break up?”

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

I fucked a guy from grindr and loveless sex makes you feel a lot more empty then before.... How do I get past this bc I really hate myself rn and do u have a poem related to this?

oh my god so many poems
i have gotten past these feelings in the past by being gentle with myself (trying to quiet the loud angry voices in my head) and saying that it’s ok to give into pleasure and that i don’t need to shame myself, that sex doesn’t always have to have an emotional connection and remember the experience for when i make decisions about who to fuck in the future

“sex with you is boring sex…”
for the stories
so nice (your body! nice one! great job!)
you asked me what that kind of sex felt like and all i could think of was “self-harm”

i kinda really hate myself because i do realize how fucked up it is to have a crush on my teacher but i cant help it she is like the definition of perfect even though i’m sure she has flaws but i don’t care about them and i don’t know what to do this wont go away.

KISS ME KILL ME is out now!

Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/odyssey-eurobeat/sets/kiss-me-kill-me
YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/edit?video_id=Ko_vgo3Oc-0
BandCamp: http://odysseymusic.bandcamp.com/album/kiss-me-kill-me

(Psssst… hey Tumblr! Type in “kmkm_tmblr” during checkout to get 50% off the whole single— Extended, Instrumental, AND Acapella! Don’t forget to reblog to spread the word!)

I recently really hated forcing myself to do certain things with new productions, and I made a silly old-school eurobeat sketch to blow off some steam. That sketch kinda exploded. Oops.

Existing Eurobeat fans, this sounds a bit like “Stop Your Self Control” by Marko Polo with a splash of “Hi Hi Frankenstain” by Riki 1.

165 BPM, B Minor

anonymous asked:

Salaam aleikum I'm a muslim, well i'm actually a very bad muslim.. I really need your advice. I have done so many messed up things. The sins i have done are so many. I have had sex and i drunk alcohol on parties, i smoked weed for like a half year.. I really hate myself for doing all that.. I didn't listend to allah but to saytaan.. Since it's 2016 i haven't smoked weed but i still drunk alcohol.. I thought i would make a new good start but i failed again.. Pls help me be a better muslim

Walaikum Assalaam,

The temptation will be there but you have to suppress your desire for the sake of Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala. Keep striving and never give up. Keep yourself busy and do productive things that will benefit you in the hereafter. Make dua and ask Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala for help. Cry and beg to Him that He give you strength to fight with your desire and help you abstain from sin. Avoid all the circumstances that trigger your feeling and strengthen your relationship with Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala.

The more you go against the self, the more light will be put in the heart.

Shaykh Hamza Yusuf

First of all find out what are the triggers and avoid being in those circumstances. Secondly fast if you are having problem in controlling desires or eat less. Thirdly temptation will always be there, throughout our life. But we have to abstain from the temptation. When you think about the desires and it gives you joy. The first thing you have to do is to repel that thought, before it becomes an action. Try to distract yourself, do something read books, talk to your family or anything that may help you to get distracted from the thought. If you keep thinking about it, it will become a stronger desire and it may happen you may end in doing sin.

Following are some tips that will help you to reduce sin in shaa Allah

1.      Fix your prayers.

Indeed, prayer prohibits immorality and wrongdoing, and the remembrance of Allah is greater. And Allah knows that which you do. (Surat Al-`Ankabūt 29:45)

2.      Being God conscious, always keep in mind that whatever we do, we have to be accountable to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala and He’s watching us all the time.

3.      When you get tempted to do sin think of the death because it is the cutter of delights.

The Messenger of Allah (Peace be upon him) said:“Remember often the destroyer and cutter off of delights, which is death.” (Sunnan Trimidhi:2229)

4.    Have friends that remind you of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala not those whose company makes you forget Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala.

5.    Strive to get closer to Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala. When our connection is stronger with Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala it will be easy for us to fight with the desires.

6.    When you get tempted think of the following things:

·         Allah is watching you

·         Angels are recording your deeds

·         Punishment of the grave

·         You have to answer on the day of Judgement

Here are some tips to get closer to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala that will help you in shaa Allah.

1.If we want to get closer to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala, we have to fulfill our obligatory duties and follows the command of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala and his messenger (peace be upon him) wholeheartedly.

2.Being God conscious, always keep in mind that whatever we do, we have to be accountable to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala and He’s watching us all the time.

3.Whenever we do a good work, always make the intention that you are doing this to please Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala.

4.Be thankful to Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala in every situation and be happy with the Allah decree.

5.Try to do dhikr all the time, it will make us closer to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala.

Following are some dhikr that we can do all the time:

1.  Asthaghfirullah

2.  Subhaanallah

3. Alhamdulillah

4. Allahu Akbar

5. Laa ilaaha illallah

6. LA HAWLA WA LA QUWWATA ILLA BILLAH-HIL ALIYYIL ADHEEM

7. Asthaghfirullah-halladhee Laa ilaaha illa-huwal Hayyul Qayyuumu Wa athoobu Ilay

Or Asthaghfirullah

8. SUB-HAAN’ALLAAHi WA BI-HAM’DIHI SUB-HAAN’ALLAH-IL ADHEEM

Or SUB-HAAN’ALLAAHi WA BI-HAM’DIHI

9. Subhāna-llāhi, wa-l-hamdu li-llāhi, wa lā ilāha illā-llāhu, wa-llāhu akbar. Wa lā hawla wa lā quwwata illā bi-llāhi-l-aliyyi-l-azīm

10. Lā ilāha illā-llāhu waḥdahu lā sharīka lahu lahu-l-mulku wa lahu-l-ḥamdu yuhyi wa yumītu wa huwa ḥayyu-llā yamūtu abadan abada, ḏū-l-jalāli wa-l-ikrām, biyadihi-l-khayr, wa huwa alā kulli Shay-in qadīr

Or

Laa ilaaha illal-laahu wahdahu laa shareeka lahu, lahul-mulku wa lahul-hamdu wa huwa ‘alaa kulli shay-in qadeer

We should also recite much of durood e Ibrahim which is the durood that is recited towards the end of Salaah.

Or the shortest durood is: Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallim

6. Dua and Repentence:

Almighty Allah says in the Qur’an: “When my servants ask you concerning me, (tell them) I am indeed close (to them). I listen to the prayer of every suppliant when he calls on me.“ [2:186]

The place of Dua is so high in front of Allah, that the Prophet (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallim) has said: ”Nothing is more honourable to Allah the Most High than Dua.”[Sahih al-Jami` no.5268].

Allah loves repentance & loves those who turn to him in sincere repentance:

Truly Allah loves those who turn [to Him] in repentance… (Qur’an 2:222)

Narrated ‘Ubaadah that the Messenger of Allah said, “Whoever seeks forgiveness for the believing men and believing women, Allah will write for him a good deed for EACH believing man and believing woman.” (Tabarrani)

Subhanallah this deed can be done in EVERY dua and can you imagine how many rewards can be gained for each and every Muslim you make dua for from Adam alayhis ‘salam until now and the last Muslim on earth. This is the easiest way to earn rewards that go into the billions and the more you make these dua’s then the more your good deed account will get filled!

Ask Allah for the help and try to do dhikr all the time, it will help you in shaa Allah. Recite Astaghfirullah, Durood Shareef and kalma as often you can. Desire will always be there, nafs and shaitan is our enemy and this battle will continue till our last breath. On our shortcomings we should repent to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala sincerely. He is the most forgiving and merciful.

I hope it will be helpful. May Allah guide us to the straight path.

Ameen