A/N: I mean, I’m pretty certain you’ve all realised this now, but this is slow-burning. Jeff x Y/N ARE endgame. Don’t give up on this yet! Idk how I feel about this part though…
I really hate myself for doing this to baby Monty…
“Nope! There’s still a bit in the bottom!” She giggled.
“Come on Y/N, I’m going to be way more drunk than you at this point!” Zach chuckled lovingly, but downed it anyway.
“No you won’t, I can’t even remember what I’ve had at this point. Your parents sure have a lot of liquor.” She looked around her at the empty bottles.
“For people who don’t drink, it’s quite impressive.” He snorted.
“I’m starting to think this idea wasn’t a good one. We’re on the top of a roof drinking alcohol!” She laughed manically. He joined in.
“WOOOOOO!” He shouted. “Honestly though, you know I’d never let anything happen to you, Y/N.” He stroked her cheek. Leaning in for the kiss, she thought how she’d never love a boy as much as this one. He was made for her, she thought.
The taste of vodka, and tequila, and gin, and whatever-the-fuck-else they’d consumed swilled between their mouths. Some drunk kisses had the ability to chase a person into sobreity, then make them feel drunk all over again just off of the presence of the other person.
“Hello? Earth to Y/N? It’s 3:30 and you’ve got a revision date with a handsome prince.“ Jeff chuckled, sliding into the seat next to her.
“Shit, hey Jeff.” She smiled, pushing her textbook forward to reach down and grab some more notes from her bag.
“I’d love to know the psychology of daydreaming,” He teased.
She rolled her eyes. “We’ll get there. Get a pen.”
After some hardcore studying separation anxiety in babies, Jeff cleared his throat.
“Did you manage to talk to Monty at all since last week?”
“You’re very interested in my love life, Jeff.” She smirked, looking up from her notes.
“Not really. More like I don’t want to see anymore damaged knuckles.” He winced.
“I’ll talk to him.” She pressed. He seemed satisfied with the response and nodded.
Once again, Jeff hung on to every word she said, making detailed notes and asking questions. It was kind of adorable.
“Next week is going to be an intense one. I’m guessing you have ‘The Psychology Of Love by Sigmund Freud?” She asked as she closed up her textbook.
“Uh, yeah.” He nodded awkwardly. “Isn’t he the one who had a thing for his mum?”
“Not quite, don’t worry you’ll see next week. He’s just who we’re starting with. As you know 20% of our final grade relies on our coursework surrounding our chosen psychology of love.” She pushed her chair in and slung her bag over her shoulder.
“Right.” He nodded. “I’ll see you next week?”
“See you round.” She waved to his figure leaving the library.
As it usually happened on Summer days like these, the boys sat outside to eat their lunch and maybe throw a ball about.
“So, uh, Monty,” Jeff said through a bite of his sandwich.
“This is about Y/N, isn’t it?” Montgomery sighed.
Jeff cocked his head in a yes.
“I haven’t spoken to her since then. You can’t say ‘i-told-you-so’ yet.”
“I know, I just wanted to check how you were doing.” Jeff genuinely cared for his friend, and knew how much of a problem this was for him.
But before Montgomery had a chance to speak, Bryce was back.
“Atkins, that hot brunette is eyeing you up.” He nodded in her direction. Jeff glanced back.
“Not again.” He muttered.
“What?” Monty asked.
“We had a thing last summer.” He shrugged. “It was nothing, literally, I don’t know why she keeps looking at me like that.” He threw his hand up.
That’s when Monty stopped listening. Why did Jeff deserve to feel the smugness of being totally completely right about Y/N because they were exactly the same. Monty didn’t know how he hadn’t noticed before. He’d known what Jeff was like, but it just seemed…different.
“It’s a bit warm out here really. I’m gonna head inside.” He stood, not so much as looking at the boys before violently throwing his lunch into the trash can.
At the end of her psychology lesson the next day, Jeff approached her.
“Look!” He pointed to the ten mark pop quiz they’d done at the start of the lesson. “Only just over a week of your help and I’m already improving.” He grinned. She couldn’t help but mimic his expression, it was contagious.
“I’m proud of you Jeff.” She punched his shoulder as they made their way out of the classroom.
“Thanks, Y/N, really.” He called out as he walked backwards in the direction of his locker. She was really happy that she’d actually done something positive for once.
Her locker rattled as she entered the combination.
Y/N wasn’t evil, but her track record wasn’t the best, and for once, she had these high spirits which felt amazing.
In that moment was when it happened.
In her peripheral vision she saw Montgomery storming down the hall, headed in her direction.
“Y/N, we need to talk.” He slammed her locker door in front of her, barely scraping her nose. She inhaled.
“Not here, Monty.” She looked around at the surrounding students.
“Where then? You’ve put this off once, Atkins isn’t here this time to save you.” He moved in toward her face, his hot breath tickling her face. Dammit, he was attractive, but hard work.
“Who said I needed saving? I just don’t want you to embarrass yourself.” She hit back coolly. Upon noticing he wasn’t budging, she added; “Fine, what is it?”
“So like I was saying before, we were so rudely interrupted, you’ve been ignoring me all week.”
“Not ignoring, just not actively paying attention to.” She leaned against the lockers nonchalantly.
“So what? You just gonna bang me and fuck off?” He was almost shouting now.
“Come on Monty, you didn’t really think this meant more, did you?” She scoffed.
“Well, going on a date usually implies that, yeah!” He shook his head in disbelief. “You know, I’ve actually liked you for a while now, and i thought ‘she’s asked me on a date, I’m the luckiest guy in the world.’ But i guess I was the unluckiest. I should’ve never fallen for you.”
“Jeez. My mistake. I thought you’d know by now.” She felt bad, she really did. But she couldn’t tap into that. The first time she’d approached Monty she’d addressed how they had known each-other so long but never done anything, and now she remembered why. The way her demeanor affected Monty must look awful to a passerby, and maybe it looked awful to the ghost of herself as well.
“I should’ve listened to Jeff!” Monty spat at Y/N. Quite the crowd was beginning to form around the two of them at the lockers.
“Jeff, huh? And what did he say about me?” She smirked.
“You’d break my heart. Or, in so many words.” He looked at her despairingly. His jaw clenched.
“Jeff’s a smart guy.” Her liquid cyanide voice dripped off her tongue, her eyes emotionless and harsh. Monty shook his head slowly, before turning and violently kicking the lockers, and storming out the way he came.
She rolled her eyes at the spectators, can never mind their own business. They started making their way away from her, leaving her in an empty corridor. Or so she thought.
“Did you have to do that?” A soft voice floated in from behind her. It was deafening. The voice she’d been trying to get out of her nightmares. It felt like she hadn’t heard it in so long, but that couldn’t be true because it visited her nightly. Her entire body tensed knowing who was behind her. She didn’t know what to do.
“Do what?” She asked weakly, not bringing herself to turn around, instead finding a very interesting spot on the floor to focus her gaze on.
“Y/N, I don’t know what’s happened to you since we broke up, but you’ve become a real bitch. Monty didn’t deserve that. I don’t know, is this some kind of revenge? Are you trying to get back at me or something by hurting my friends?” He voice was stern, with a hint of hurt. “Are you going to look at me?”
Shocked with a wave of her usual confidence, she swung round on her heel and faced Zach. He looked even more adorable close up. But she wouldn’t let that distract her.
“Zach, look, It’s sweet that you think highly enough of yourself to assume I’m not over you, But facts are facts.” And lies are lies. “You’ll just have to find some way to come to terms with the fact that I’m not still pining over you, and that believe it or not this is about me.” She faltered a little, but all in all the show was a good one. Oscar-worthy, maybe.
“Like I said, real bitch.” He scoffed, pulling on his bag strap and pushing past her carelessly. It took all of her not to break down right there and then. But she didn’t. She gripped her mouth with her hand and slumped against the lockers exhaling. What the fuck was she doing? What the fuck had she done?
i really really hate myself for doing this but here is natalie’s probable cause of death:
a concurrent secondary bacterial infection (most likely pneumonia due to all the shit she coughed up in that bathroom but other respiratory complications could have happened too) developed from her flu, causing her lungs became inflamed and start to fill up with fluid. this disrupted the process of siphoning oxygen into her blood as well as getting carbon dioxide out of her bloodstream. usually it isn’t that bad in adults, but a. she had been sick for a week or so before without treatment and b. her condition was rapidly deteriorating, so while she sleeping her oxygen supply probably dropped to life-threatening levels. her body started to shut down to preserve air for the heart and brain, and she ultimately died of multiple organ failure due to a lack of oxygen in her bloodstream.
A/N: We really hope everyone is liking this fanfiction. We haven’t gotten many reviews so far, so we’re a little nervous about how everyone is feeling about it. Please let us know what you think! There’s starting to be more drama filled chapters. Thank you and enjoy! Also, please check out Gaisho’s new threeshot HERE about Minhyuk x Reader. It’s awesome!
Disclaimer: This story is pure fiction. We did take their personalities and match as best we can with illnesses, however we do not claim that the boys from BTS have these mental illnesses! Also, we did as much research as we can on each disorder. We are not meaning to offend anyone who has these illnesses at all. ALSO, WE DO KNOW BTS CHANGED THEIR ENGLISH NAME TO BEYOND THE SCENE BUT WE’RE USING BULLETPROOF BOYSCOUTS CAUSE IT FITS THE STORY BETTER.
Trigger warning: Mentions of mental illness, hospitals, self harm, suicide attempt and abuse. Both Gaisho and I recommend, if you feel like you need to go to the hospital for ANY reason, please don’t be afraid to do so. It can help. If you EVER feel like you need to talk to anyone, vent, or need advice on anything, please do not hesitate to msg us! We’ve been through it all.
Character Descriptions so far: Reader- Chronic Depression, Derealization Disorder and Dissociative Amnesia Jin - Narcissistic Personality Disorder (With homicidal tendencies) Suga- Narcolepsy and Chronic Depression J-Hope- Bipolar II Disorder
Chapter 5: Reflection:
You, J-hope, and Jungkook walk back to the lounge where everyone else should be. You couldn’t help but smile. You’re starting to get to know the boys more and in a way, it’s very comforting. ‘For once in my life…Could I really be happy?’
As you’re walking, you feel like someone is looking at you. You look to your left and J-hope is walking next to you with his eyes looking forward. You slow your walking a little bit and you see Jungkook trying to get a glimpse at you. Your eyes meet and this time he didn’t look away. His cheeks start to turn pink. Your lips move on your own, “Kookie…” Just then Jungkook turned bright red and he started to walk faster to the lounge. ‘Oh no! Why did I say that again!? Aghhh! Why do I gotta be this way…’
You arrive with J-hope to the lounge and see that all the boys along with other patients are sitting quietly. You guys grab the next available seat.
“What’s going on?” You ask the rest.
“Looks like the big man himself wants to make an announcement,” says Rap Monster in a low growl.
“Good afternoon everyone. As you all know, I am Dr. Seung Ho Choi, the founder of Be Free Behavioral. My goal is to further the science behind mental illnesses by *ahem* experimental means. In the next few weeks, we will be upping evaluations and eventually be splitting you all up into different groups, called controls. Then… That’s when the experimentation will begin,” he says with a creepy smile that makes you all cringe.
The preppy nurse interjects, “Well isn’t that just exciting news!”
“So, this is what you meant… You’re right. He can’t be trusted. But, what do we do?” you whisper to Rap Monster with concern.
“That’s the issue…” before Rap Monster could continue, the nurse starts talking again.
“Since the doctor will be commencing his evaluations immediately, we’re a bit short-staffed during what would have been our group sessions,” the nurse visibly frowns. “I know, it makes me sad too! So, we will be playing a movie: Inception. We also have popcorn for you guys as a treat! I will be returning later to check up on you guys!” She skips away.
“Oh! I love this movie. The human mind is very interesting… The way we think, the way we feel, and even the way we dream. The ones where it’s a dream within a dream… And we’re not really even sure if our current state is reality or dream…” Rap Monster says as he starts to trail off.
“Ah ha… Yeah. If anything I think I know how that feels better than anyone,” you mumble nervously.
“Hm? What do you mean?” he says as he tilts his head.
“Oh uh, never mind! Hey uhm, do you think we could talk somewhere? Some things are better talked about in private,” you say as you look around to make sure no one else is listening in.
“Follow me.” You follow Rap Monster out the lounge and down the hall to his room. You notice something that you never noticed before. It looked like he was counting his steps and even was making sure he walks a certain way.
Just then, Rap Monster reaches his room. He turns the knob, but turned it a certain number of times before he actually opened it. ‘I wonder if this is part of his condition?’
“AHHHHH!!” Rap Monster immediately trips over himself and he stumbles into a massive bee line until he manages to grip onto the desk though his legs continue to wobble.
“O-oh! Rap Monie, you okay?” you try to help him up.
“Ah, I’m such a klutz. I just organized this room too… Please forgive me. I need to tidy up before I let you sit,” he scurries around the room picking up things he knocked over.
“Please, let me help you!” you insisted.
“No no, you’re my guest and I’m the host,” he says as he continues to clean. As you stand nearby watching, you see that he organizes things in a particular way. By the type of item, by color, by size, and everything in between. He even makes small tweaks to the positioning of the items. ‘He’s quite interesting.’
“Y/N, please sit,” he motions you to sit at the edge of his bed while he takes a seat at the desk. He almost missed the chair and nearly fell again! ‘This boy…’
“Ah, you need to be more careful!” you say with worried eyes.
“Don’t worry about me, hehe, I’m just fine. Juice?” he pulls out two boxes of juice and offers you one.
“W-what? How’d you sneak these in here?” you take the juice box and start drinking.
“My little secret. You can’t be a leader and not have some tricks up your sleeve,” he tries to sip from the juice box all sly, but the straw missed his mouth about five times. You giggle.
“I uh, I was wondering…” you stop because you don’t want to offend the leader by your question.
“You were wondering what got me in here, don’t you?” he puts down his juice box.
“Ah, y-yes, but if you don’t want to tell me, I understand…I just wanted to get to know you a little better is all,” you say while picking at the juice box.
“Of course. Well, I’m sure you’ve noticed my uh, habits. The way I carry myself and how I do things. It’s… Different from others,” his face all of a sudden got more serious.
“W-what? Noooo I -” he raises his hand to stop you.
“Y/N, it’s okay. It’s hard not to notice. You see, I wasn’t always this way…”
“You weren’t always clumsy?” you instantly cover your mouth. ‘Why do you have to be such a smart ass sometimes!?’
“Hahaha! Good one, Y/N! No, no, I wasn’t always so… Particular about things. Being the leader means I need to take care of my group and the boys individually. That’s a big responsibility and sometimes I can’t handle the stress. Well, it caused me to develop habits that I can’t control. Thus, my obsessive compulsive disorder. The fact I’m super clumsy just makes it all the more worse,” he starts to rub the back of his head. “I uhm, I got so carried away with my OCD at one point that the boys found me in my room walking in circles and just spewing out random words, numbers, and nonsense… Having a complete mental breakdown was definitely not a good look as a leader.” Rap Monster sighs before he continues.
“I know, every life’s a movie. We got different stars and stories, we got different nights and mornings, our scenarios ain’t just boring. All of the members, they have different dreams and aspirations. It is my job to help them get there. I care so much about them that, it drives me insane… Don’t get me wrong, I would die for each one of them. But you know, sometimes I really really hate myself. Heh, too be honest, quite often, I really hate myself. And do you know what I do? I just stand there with the familiar darkness,” Rap Monster starts to hit his head with a tight fist.
You quickly get up to stop him and hold him close, “I’m so sorry… You carry such a big role on your shoulders. But, you need to remember how important you are to others. You’re important to me too, you know?” you bring his head towards your chest to rest on and you feel him start to relax.
“It’s just that… I want the world for my boys. But, the world is just another name for despair. How am I supposed to give them everything when the world is so cruel? I just… I am all of my joy and anxiety. It repeats everyday, the love and hate directed to me. And everyone else knows where they’re supposed to be, but only I walk without purpose. I wish I could love myself. I wish I could love myself. I wish i could -”
“Stop! Please, stop…” you hold him tight. “Do you really believe everyone finds their purpose in life? Many people die before ever finding what their purpose is, and that’s okay. But, you need to love yourself just as much as your boys love you. I see the way they look at you and respect you. I think without you… Things wouldn’t be the same. Maybe that’s your purpose. Being the rock for them, their cheerleader, their friend, their leader. All of those things,” you smile as you start to shed tears.
“Y/N, I’m sorry to have made you cry. But, thank you… Your words were truly kind. I feel… I feel I understand now. Now is not the time to give up and feel weak. If anything, they need me more than ever.”
Just then you hear the door creak open and you look to see who it is. ‘N-no… It’s Jungkook!’ He sees you holding Rap Monster still. You step back and try to explain, “w-wait! Jungkook!” it didn’t work. He immediately ran off. ‘Great… Now there’s definitely no chance for me’
You fall to your knees in defeat and mumble to yourself, “ugh, why am I so stupid.”
Rap Monster comes up behind you and puts a hand on your shoulder. “I bet you are also wondering how to approach our maknae, huh?”
“Am I that obvious?” you hide your face.
“Nahhhh… Maybe,” he sticks a tongue out at you. “Well, being the golden maknae that he is, he is pretty shy and individualistic. His motto is ‘living without passion is like being dead’. With that said, I’ll leave it up to you,” he starts to exit his room.
“…Wait, hold up. That wasn’t any advice at all!” you start to run after him, but he turns around abruptly making you stop dead in your tracks.
He pokes your forehead, “just be yourself. He is just as random, funny, and rebellious as you are. In fact I bet he would have loved your comment earlier about me being clumsy. He definitely would have laughed.”
“Rebellious? What makes you think that I am?” you nudge him.
“Don’t you also want to get out of here?” he nudges back.
You both smile in mutual agreement. Both of you walk back to the lounge and sneak back into the seats you were previously in. Just in time too. The nurse walks back in to call out a name for an evaluation.
“Park, Jimin. Please follow me,” she says in a much serious voice. It’s definitely not what you’re used to. Usually she’s a lot perkier.
“Be strong, don’t let them get to you,” Rap Monster says before Jimin exits the lounge.
You and the rest of the boys feared for Jimin. “So uh, that plan of yours…” you whisper to Rap Monster.
i really just hate myself so much, how do i stop this awful feeling inside of me?
By realizing that you’re only human, you are allowed to feel things. You are allowed to be in pain. You are also allowed to be happy. If you had one more day here, please don’t tell me you’d spend it hating yourself? My art teacher used to say– do as I say, not as I do. I hate myself too and I don’t follow my own advice, but you? You should most definitely consider it. You beautiful person, you.
so i have like 60~ more eps of the adventure zone to go and im listening at like 1.5x speed so theyre like 45 mins each which is 45 or so hours which is like. if i really hate myself i can do it in a week, but also, i have a massive list of drawings to do that i can listen to during, so, like,
edit since it seems ill be listening on spotify which has no speed option its 60 hours SO..
It wasn't a joke, i just really fucking hate myself.. Ill do it tomorrow cause im laying in bed for like 2 days depressed and tired cause of the laxatives :( If i dont get sick from licking the raw meat ill eat it
Oh my lord, please don’t. It’s not worth it. You could get so so sick and that may sound like a good idea to lose weight but it is absolutely not. You could get so sick you have to be hospitalized.if you’re hospitalized, you will be forced to eat more than you already do. Don’t take the chance.
If you’re stuck with weight loss, there are healthier things you can do in order to overcome the “plateau” okay?
I fucked a guy from grindr and loveless sex makes you feel a lot more empty then before.... How do I get past this bc I really hate myself rn and do u have a poem related to this?
oh my god so many poems i have gotten past these feelings in the past by being gentle with myself (trying to quiet the loud angry voices in my head) and saying that it’s ok to give into pleasure and that i don’t need to shame myself, that sex doesn’t always have to have an emotional connection and remember the experience for when i make decisions about who to fuck in the future