right now i’m laying on the floor of my bedroom. it’s dark. the only light on is a small lamp in the corner. i’m listening to music i’ve never listened to before and it reminds me of something else i listened to once but i can’t figure out what it is. my mother’s in the next room watching clips of a tv show she’s never watched in full and laughing so much and so loud she’s filling the entire room. i wonder if she knows that, how big her presence is right now in an otherwise quiet house. how big her presence is in all of our lives.
i’ve been reading a lot of mary oliver’s essays and i love her connection with nature and wild things. how she can talk about foxes but also have something to say about humanity and the way we live all at the same time. it’s such an organic relationship she has with everything she interacts with. a deep understanding and respect for how the natural world works. a recognition to give as much as take. it’s like she’s presented me with an idea of who i want to become. the conversations i want to have with the bees and the forests. the wild weeds and the bullfrogs.
some days feel messier than others. today didn’t feel so messy with its pink and yellow tulips, its dandelions and its honey. i’m trying, i’m really trying. i don’t know who i’m trying to convince when i say that. maybe in all this i’m saying that a little mess is okay. a little mess is just fine.