——————————–Chris Fleming ‘Car Rants’ Sentence Starters some may be nsfw or triggering. change pronouns as needed.
Adventure Dad “It is such a turn off to see a family have scheduled fun.” “Witnessing an adventure family in the throes of an outdoor activity makes me want to put myself in a pelican’s mouth and tell him ‘Just drive.’” “The smile of a father with three sons- all of whom snowboard- is so confrontational, it reads as indecent exposure.” “Connecticut is like the high-schooler wrestling with whether or not he can pull off a baseball cap.” “You know that kind of ‘I’m gonna go through a shoplifting phase and get away with it’ shade of blonde.” “You’re looking at me like a greeter at the Apple store.”
The Majesty of Homophobes (& Makeup Tutorials) “The thing I’ve always admired about townie homophobes is how effortlessly they hold a beer can.” “This is the kind of body you look at and you’re like ‘he’d probably be okay in space without a space suit.’” “I almost envy that beer can- to be held like that.” “That’s the next Pixar movie right there. The story of one homophobe with the cards stacked against him on a journey to prove that he is just as backwards thinking and emotionally repressed as his crew.” “She’s one of those girls who looks like she might be lip gloss disguised as a person.” “I happen to have really big pores. As you can see, I have two really big pores here at the bottom of my nose.” “They call me Popcorn _____; I don’t know why. I know why. I eat all the popcorn.” “What I love about this eyeshadow is it says ‘the only song I’ve ever heard is Pour Some Sugar On Me and I’m not sure where Seattle is.’” “This is a great blush if you’re serious about robbing a TGI Fridays.”
What To Do If Your Boyfriend Proposes on Christmas Eve “This may seem harsh, but he needs to be treated like the night lizard that he is.” “It’s a partnership. You think Ben snuck up on Jerry one day with a waffle cone and took a knee?” “For a guy who thinks that musicals are ‘kinda gay,’ you’re behaving a lot like the kind of guy that Rogers and Hammerstein would dream up while sixty-nining on a piano.” “Nothing gives me the heebies and the jeebies like when the boyfriend consults the parents before he consults her.” “Unless you rode out of your mother’s uterus on a BMX bike, popping a wheelie, there is no excuse to be named Zach.” “Quiche is just pizza that went to private school.” “The Boston Globe should be written in size 72 comic sans. You get more information by reading the cover of Cat Fancy.”
Theater Kids “Theater kids keep to themselves for most of the year- giving each other back rubs in black box theaters or three-way kissing at cast parties in Chinese buffets- but every so often, when Broadway goes Hollywood, they will descend upon Regal Cinemas like locusts in jazz flats.” “If you ever see a theater girl in a sling, just know that it was a Frozen soundtrack related fender bender.” “It’s like Minotaur; you don’t wanna make it mad but you certainly don’t wanna turn it on.” “Enlisting your facebook friends to help you choose your headshots is on the same moral level as taking people and keeping them prisoner in your house for fifteen years.”
Jimmy Buffett “Everyone thinks the biggest threat to America right now is ISIS, North Korea, global warming. Nope, it’s Jimmy Buffett.” “On the eve of your fiftieth birthday, Jimmy Buffett slides down your chimney and tries to convince you to throw in the towel.” “Let’s get fat tonight. Shit out your dreams in a TGI Friday’s.” “Get in a fistfight with your son at an Applebee’s. When the waitress breaks it up, plant one on her cheek and complain about the president.” “Quit your day job and help me throw chicken nuggets at my neighbor’s fruity son.” “Every day is a vacation when you are a huge fuck up.” “I used to have dreams and hopes and ambitions, and now look at me. I’m at a poolside bar and I couldn’t name a book if I had to.”
D Batteries “Anything that requires D batteries needs to get over itself.” “Here is a list of things that would make sense to power using a D battery: a mini cooper, a small plane, Bjork, a Carnival cruise ship, a fucking lighthouse, Disneyworld.” “I would have bought neither and saved the money for a cruise where I can get close enough to suck on the coral reef and tell a platypus my secrets.” “I need to you to make it near a popsicle because I want that summertime vibe because I miss summer and I miss my girls.” “Everyone talks about how great the working conditions are at Google but no one will go into specifics. What does that mean? One word: Pokemon. They’ve bred Pokemon.” “Wait until Diglett realizes he doesn’t have a mouth. Then you’re gonna have to call up Laura Dern and Dennis Nedry ‘cause you’re gonna be in a whole world of bullshit.”
Halloween Candy Countdown “What kind of a prude eats a Crunch bar? You might as well just eat toast.” “Charleston Chews should be sold at Home Depot in the lumber section.” “This is a candy that predates women’s suffrage and it tastes like it.” “I feel like Area 51 is just 3 Muskateers headquarters and it’s where they keep their filling.”
Blocking Your Ears in Public “I’m talking about the kind of guy you’d see at a Home Depot kneeling down in the lumber section, just praying that his son’s not bi.” “She is in the eighth ring of Dante’s Inferno where you have to jack off a Minotaur while eating a jalapeno.” “I firmly believe that president Michelle Obama and first lady Joe Biden should send them to Epcot center to live and die on the teacup ride.” “You can’t name yourself The Edge, especially when you look like a shut in trying to muster up the courage to go to a little league game.”
Baby Got Back brings out the worst in people “Does everyone think that they’re the only person who knows all the lyrics to Baby Got Back?” “Look, I’m happy that you know all the lyrics but please don’t scream them into my cheeks.” “The pride and rage that these people are feeling; it’s a real cole slaw of emotions.” “I’m just alone on the dance floor. I’m in the middle of what, to a non-English speaker must look like a prison riot.” “Everyone’s looking at me like I’m at an Eyes Wide Shut party uninvited.”
Purple Cauliflower “Barney’s stuck under the veggies and only his pubes are showing.“ “We gotta get Barney out of here! Let’s not make Baby Bop a widow tonight!” “We’re gonna have to make Grimace breed with a cauliflower.” “This is not a veggie. This is an STI that Tinky Winky picked up in a jacuzzi.”
NYU “Oh my god, NYU? Lena Dunham’s crabs went there.” “If only we could find a way, as a nation, to harness the power of the erections that NYU students have about going to NYU.” “NYU is just girls in fedoras trying to get addicted to cigarettes.” “Whenever anyone gets to the end of those Buzzfeed quizzes, their laptop camera should just miraculously turn on, forcing them to confront that haunting, pasty image of themselves.” “Why do I look like an owl prostitute?” “I am thrilled to announce that I have a five year unpaid internship changing Marina Abramovic’s diaper.”
Bread Bowl “Panera is just McDonald’s that studied abroad in France and came back wearing a beret and cigarette jeans, thinking it’s the shit because it got fingered by a mime.” “Was nobody gonna tell me that a bread bowl is just a Trojan horse for soup?” “Who owns Panera? Ashton Kunis?” “I need to see an angry movie. I need to watch Hercules, I’m so mad right now.” “Somebody call Wayne Brady ‘cause I’m gonna die tonight! I don’t know why I brought Wayne Brady into it but I did.” “Ben Folds’ music is just him screaming people’s names, banging his elbows against a baby grand.” “I love to get post traumatic stress during my lunch.” “Somebody send me into space because I can’t be a part of this world anymore. It’s getting too embarrassing.” “If I wanted to be publicly humiliated, I would stand outside Macy’s and announce that my husband doesn’t have a happy trail but that my daughter does.”
Heyy! May I request a scenario where fem s/o is sick in bed so kageyama, kuroo, oikawa and bokuto (im so sorry if its to much characters!) have to go pick up their s/o little brother/sister from school? Thank you very much!!! *sends eternal love*
Ahh I love this request! And thanks for your eternal love, anon. :3c
Sometimes the fluff I draw is so fluffy that just even drawing it makes me die.
Inspired by this photoset of owls. Yeah. Idk anything about birds and for all I know what looks like cute owls kissing and cuddling with each other could actually be birds preparing for gladiatorial battle but hey, it looks cute.
AU scenario w/ kuroo, oikawa, lev, & bokuto where whatever they draw on themselves it appears on the soulmate, & their s/o is extremely creative?
shit, for the AU soulmate scenario i accidentally put 4 people. can you just do oikawa, lev, h bokuto? sorry, i mixed up the rules!
((I love, love, love AU’s! * v* I had so much fun with this one!
These wordless conversations with Oikawa began with a single drawing of a white lily. The petals appeared to be growing from the top of his hand because of the accuracy and precision shown by the dark lines. Oikawa stared with awe, hoping this flower was blessing him with the knowledge of the existence of his soulmate. His reply is “beautiful,” which he wrote with his finest of print.
Since that moment onwards, you continued to bless his skin with these alluring creations of yours. Each one with the same precision as the first. Oikawa could only respond with single words and comments, due to his lack of creativity.
But that isn’t an issue. Oikawa’s words were as captivating as your illustrations. You feel heat travel to your neck and your heart drum faster with his sweet messages. Similar to how you have brought tenderness to his being, Oikawa does the same thing to you.
Oikawa is aware of you being his soulmate which is why he writes you such endearing messages, so he thinks it’s time for him to arrange a meeting with you.
‘[Name].’ He begins by writing your name on his arm, a name as beautiful as the first flower he received from you. Oikawa’s shaking hand continues to scrawl his next thoughts. ‘would you like to meet up soon?’
Oikawa awaits your reply, restlessness causing his leg to shake and his fingers to twirl the marker.
Soon he finds your reply sketched across his arm. ‘Of course!’ A doodle of what he supposes is you rests beside the reply.
Oikawa brings up a hand to hide his obvious grin. He recomposes himself then picks up the marker again. ‘Great! I’m sure these drawings are a representation of your beauty. ♥’
It was all over for Lev. He knows the brilliant thing to have done last night was study. The bed looked so inviting, how could he refuse a little nap? Okay, so maybe that wasn’t a nap.
But Lev had a solution for this problem! He had opted to wear long sleeves today (thank goodness the weather was quite chilly) and wrote most of the answers on his arm. Every opportunity Lev had to take a peek at the answers on his arm, he would take! There was no way he was going to fail this test. There is no telling what Yaku would do to him if he fails. Or if he’s caught cheating, but that’s beside the point!
It is time for the test. Once his teacher had distributed the tests, Lev noticed most of his classmates were breezing through the test as soon as their pencils touched the paper. And Lev, well he sat motionless, pencil in hand and eyes wide with confusion.
Lev peeked up from under his eyelashes. The teacher is patrolling the opposite side of the classroom, which meant this was an opportunity for Lev to get some answers in.
He slowly shimmies the sleeve upward, finding his first step to actually passing this test. Lev writes down the word before observing the room again, his emerald eyes searching for his teacher. The teacher was nearing his location so Lev opts for hiding his test by lowering his head and circling an arm around the paper.
The teacher makes his way past Lev, not taking note of his suspicious behaviour, giving him the freedom to look at his arm again. But the words on his arm don’t catch his attention. Instead he stares lovingly at a small doodle of a lion. Beside it are the words ‘good luck!’
Lev could spring up from his chair with glee, but this wasn’t the right situation for that. But that’s the impact you have on him; every time a new doodle is left on his skin from you it usually has an encouraging and loving message. He’s surprised you didn’t use this opportunity to scold him for writing down answers on his arm.
He would worry about later. Right now there were more important matters to focus. For instance, why didn’t the lion you drew have a body? Lev knew it was his mission to complete this drawing of yours. There was still time until class was over, so it won’t hurt if he takes a little break.
Lev takes a marker he found buried underneath the plethora of papers in his desk, takes the cap off then completes the image. His lines are far more shaky than yours, since he attempted to draw with the same precision as you. He was born with height but not creativity. Although it wasn’t the most accurate image, Lev was still proud of his work.
He was so proud he extends his arm to observe his image from a far. That was foolish mistake on his park.
“Mr. Haiba, what are those words written on your arm?” The voice of his teacher bellows from behind him.
Lev flinches in his seat. He slowly turns to his teacher, giving a shaky smile. “Uh, this is how I think up the answers?”
From the moment you graced Bokuto’s skin with one of your doodles, he would frequently request you doodle something new on him. Bokuto fell in love with your creations as well as your being. Seeing anything from you always caused his mood to shoot up higher than the school’s roof. He would proudly show many people your talent.
Bokuto was so proud he would regularly show his teammates the doodles. An ample amount of time was spent listening to - or pretending - Bokuto explain the story that came along with the doodle.
“See this one here Akaashi?!” Bokuto had his hand close to the setter’s face, pointing at a drawing on his palm. “[Name] drew this because they said I looked like an owl! I told them I didn’t believe it but they proved me wrong. This little guy kinda does look like me right?”
“It does Bokuto-san,” Akaashi replied with the usual stoic expression.
“Man I wish I had [Name]’s talent.” Bokuto crossed his arms, a small pout forming on his face. “I mean I can play volleyball pretty well, which is awesome, but drawing looks pretty relaxing.”
“Practice is about to start,” Akaashi commented.
Bokuto paid no heed to his words. His expression only brightened, meaning Bokuto had formed a new idea. “I know! I’ll develop my own drawing skills and draw something for [Name]! Maybe the animal they remind me of…” Bokuto furrows his eyebrows, his mind running through all of the animals he was familiar with. He soon gave up when he realized the time. “Ah, who knows! Let’s get started with practice Akaashi!”
It was after practice that day that Bokuto rushed home. He grabbed the nearest scratch paper and began drawing. His tongue poked out from his mouth as he focused on the movement of the pencil on the paper.
It was when Bokuto gained some confidence that he decided to grab a marker to draw on his skin, wanting to show you his newly acquired skill as soon as possible. On his arm he drew an owl, which he thought closely resembled you.
After he completed the drawing, his gaze stayed on his arm as he awaited for you to see his drawing. Bokuto hoped you weren’t napping.
His prayers were answered since dark lines began to form alongside his doodle. Quickly Bokuto realized you were also drawing an owl, similar to the one you drew earlier. After you finished, you drew a heart around the two owls which symbolized the both of you.
Bokuto was truly delighted at what the both of you created, but he couldn’t help but feel a little jealousy.
“[Name], I will never catch up with you and your amazing drawing abilities!”
My treasure: March 9, 1993, 21 years ago (22 in Korea), was borning the person who I consider the most perfect of all so far (i look like a owl mother ok). Even with all the flaws that every human being has, to me he still remains the most perfect and flawless human being of all galaxies. Being like this, he makes me wanna put him on the most highest pedestal and love him so much that sometimes I think my heart is going to explode.
Intelligent, beautiful, kind, cute, life ruiner, funny, idiot, talented, all this is not enough to describe Min Yoongi. I do not remember how I felt when I learned of his existence, 9 months ago, but now I just need to look at a picture of him that I feel the happiest person in the world, seriously. He has a strong jaw and a beautiful mouth that seems to have been designed with attention on the smallest details. I guess I’m just in love with everything in this guy, tongue-tied, the squinty little eyes, the folds of the eyelids, his ridiculous dances that cause me shame others and especially the way he smiles with he cute teeths.
When the thing with B-Free came, Yoongi acted with so maturely and this was totally awesome, less the part that he says that he passed hungry; it’s horrible have to imagine a person that you love with needs. Also have the appendicitis things that have happened with Yoongi. While he has not recovered from since I almost died with worry and distress, because he lives in the other side of the world (not the other side of the world London, the other side of the world South Korea). I could barely sleep and eat because it was very nervous thinking about how Yoongi was feeling, if he was sleeping well, eating well, and feeling pain or not. And I cried and cried and cried and I’m not even ashamed to speak. Because besides being my idol, above all, he is a person I love very much and I captive like I do with all the members of BTS and persons that I care.
Yoongi is totally enchanting; I wish that I could protect him of all the bad things of this world. He took over my life in some inexplicable way, and I do not regret about loving and support him every day. Sometimes I think “oh, I’ll go to BTS’s twitter, Yoongi should posted a selca” and kind, he posted 15 minutes ago. Sometimes I wake up in the morning, out of nowhere to check BTS’s twitter and again, he just posted a selca.
This telepathy (kekekeke) scares me. So, he is my precious baby. This is the first anniversary of him that I’m “celebrating” and I’m very happy, heeeelp. I wish I could hug him tight and personally say how grateful I am because he was born (ignore this). I want him to enjoy the day of today because you know, it’s her day. Happy Birthday Lapper Man, you ruined my life but you know I like that. Be very happy and live over 80 years so I can make fun of your face hehe. Happy birthday baby, I love you.
“You’re always watching people and things. I swear, you never blink.” Kili sat beside you, with less grace than normal. “Really, how do you do it? You’re almost as bad as Dwalin!”
“I blink as much as the next dwarf Kili,” You replied. “I just don’t look like an owl when I do.”
“No, you blink with the speed of a dragonfly. Like that,” he snapped his fingers in front of your face, trying to make you blink. You didn’t, and punched him instead. He groaned and pretended to fall over.