“I hate loving you” Bucky Barnes x Reader
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader
Word count: 4356 words
Warnings: swearing and light angst
Notes: it’s unedited so I apologise in advance for any mistake :) Plus, I’m sorry it’s so long, I guess I got carried away haha hope you like it!
“Why is he here again?” You asked Steve.
It had been five months since that damn James Buchanan Barnes decided to go back to the ice. For you, it was the best choice he would ever take. You two never really get along. He was always rude to you so you were the same to him, even when you didn’t even understand why he behaved that way. The team used to say you two had feelings for each other but you just laughed when you heard that and he used to make some sarcastic comment.
But the truth was that they were right. You had a crush when you first met him and you felt idiot as that crush developed into something else. It didn’t really matter how much you two fought. At the end of the day, all you wanted to do was being held by him. Of course, he went back to the ice not knowing a thing.
During the next months you felt like something was missing. There was no one to fight with, there were no blue eyes to look at or no laugh to hear that made you feel like Bucky did. Even when he wasn’t there, he made a living hell out of your life. But somehow you got used to it and started to move on. You even dated a guy for a couple of months but you ended up breaking up with him.
You really thought you were over The Winter Soldier but you were never ready to walk into the kitchen and see him there, eating a salad like he had never left. He looked at you, you stared at him like he was seeing a ghost but before he could say anything else you literally ran out of the kitchen to look for his best friend. Steve.
“Nobody told you?” Steve asked taking the bottle from the floor. You had found him training down in the gym.
“Obviously no”, you said crossing your arms.
“Basically, Bruce found a way to take everything HYDRA put into his head out”, Steve explained. “We got him back yesterday, Bruce is working on it right now”, he added.
You knew how Steve had missed his friend, and you could see in his face how happy and relieve he was of having him back. But at that moment you couldn’t help but be selfish. You didn’t want him there. Not after all those emotions you had felt the moment he had looked at you up in the kitchen.
“And don’t you think telling me would have been a good idea?” You asked. He sighed putting the bottle down on the floor again.
“Probably. But it was so fast. As soon as Bruce told me there was a chance, I talked to T’Challa immediately” He replied.
“That I can see”, you sighed looking away, not knowing how to handle this situation.
“(Y/N) I think it’s time you two just…make peace?” He suggested which made you laugh sarcastic.
“Rogers, in case you didn’t notice, it’s impossible to make peace with that guy. The metal in his arm has actually gone into his brain and he’s impossible to talk to”, you said. Steve took a deep breath, looking down at you.
“Just give it a try, please?” He said.
You stared into his eyes and groaned. How the fuck did he do it?
“Do you have any kind of magic in those eyes? Because I swear no one can tell you no!” You exclaimed frustrated. He laughed and wrapped his arms around you. “Ugh, you’re sweaty”, you mumbled pushing away.
“Thank you for trying”, he said.
“Whatever”, you sighed.
As he started punching the bag again you just left the gym. How were you supposed to go there and be nice to someone you knew that hated you? Especially knowing that he wouldn’t make it easy to you. Anyway, a promise to Cap was unbreakable. It would make you as bad as if you took a candy from a little boy.
When you went up from the gym to the kitchen you were relieved to find Natasha there instead of Bucky. It would give you more time to mentally prepare yourself for…whatever was about to come.
“Hey!” She said as you walked in. “How you doing?” She asked as she prepared a sandwich.
“Did you know Bucky was back?” You asked taking a seat on the counter. She stopped for a moment what she was doing and looked at you. By the look on her face you knew she did. “Seriously? You too?” You sighed.
“I’m sorry, it was so fast and you were out” she tried to explain.
“It’s ok, really I just…” You sighed and started playing with hair. “I wish I had some time to prepare myself”, you added.
She smiled at you and kept on working on her sandwich. None of you said anything until it was finished and Natasha was seated by your side eating it slowly.
“You still like him?” She asked making you roll your eyes.
“I’ve never liked him, Nat” you said with a sigh.
“Ok, if you want to lie to yourself that’s fine with me”, she shrugged.
Shaking your head you jumped down the counter and exited the kitchen. Of course those comment would be back and you just weren’t in the mood to put up with them. You went to the elevator to go to your room which was two floors above. When you walked out of it you looked around to find Bucky at the end of it, looking out of the window. Should you go and talk to him?
“I hate you Rogers…” You mumbled to yourself as you started walking towards him. “Hi”, you said loud enough for him to hear you. He turned to look at you but didn’t make any sign.
“Hey there”, he said. You looked at him, trying to find some words to say.
“Welcome back, I guess”, you said looking out of the window to avoid his gaze.
“Thank you”, he replied still looking at you.
The tension was evident between you two. He was making you so nervous with that staring thing he had going on and you were doing your best trying to cover it.
“How are you?” He finally asked. Glad that he was the first one talking, you dared to look at him.
“Fine”, you said nodding before looking away again. “Nothing’s changed around here”, you added with a frown.
“I’ve been told you dated someone”, he said making you chuckle.
“It was nothing. Just a two months thing. Nothing serious”, you shrugged.
“It’s surprising that someone managed to put up with you and your attitude for more than a week to be honest”
And there he was. The asshole. The jerk. Of course he was still there and of course he still hated you. Taking a deep breath you looked at him.
“It’s surprising Bruce worked more than two hours to find a solution to fix your fucked up head”, you snapped.
You knew that was a sensitive topic for him and obviously that didn’t change. His eyes darkened a little bit due to the anger and he moved closer to you. But you didn’t back off. You stayed there, looking up at him, challenging him, until your chest were pressed together.
“Are you sure you want to go down that road?” He mumbled.
“You’re not scary to me, Barnes, so fuck off”, you said pushing away. He was too strong to actually move him but you walked away shaking your head.
“Brat”, you heard him saying.
“Asshole”, you said back.
You were happy when he didn’t say anything else but also surprised. Luckily you got to your room and were able to lock the door before he changed his mind and decided to keep on fighting. It was only then when you felt how fast your heart was racing and how fast you were breathing. Taking a deep breath you sat down on the bed before letting yourself fall back. Of course he wouldn’t have changed. And of course you still loved him. And fucking of course it would still be painful to see that look in his eyes every time he looked at you.
Before you could stop them, tears started running down your face. Tears of pain, tears of sadness and tears of frustration. What had you done to be deserve his hate?
“(Y/N)…” Suddenly you opened your eyes and sat up scared. When did you fall asleep? “It’s me. Steve”, he said turning on the light.
“What? I fell asleep?” You asked rubbing your eyes. You felt them puffy and dry after all the crying.
“Apparently”, he chuckled. “You didn’t come to dinner and I was worried”, he said making you look up. It was then when he saw your eyes. “Have you been crying?” He asked.
“No! Of course not”, you said moving your head out of his hand and getting up to go the bathroom and wash your face.
“(Y/N), I know you and I know how you look like after crying”, he said following you. “You’ve been crying”, he said again.
“So what?” You whispered looking at him through the mirror.
“Because of Bucky?” He asked leaned against the door frame.
“No”, you replied quickly looking down at the sink. “But I tried Steve, he’s an asshole and impossible to talk to”, you added walking out of the bathroom quickly.
“You still love him, right?”
His words made you stop in the middle of the room. It was the first time someone said love to talk about your feelings towards the soldier. Everybody used to say it was a crush or that you just liked him. But Steve just used the L word. Of course he knew you better than anyone else in the team. He was more like a big brother to you and had always looked after you.
“I…hate him”, you whispered. You heard him sighing behind you so you turned around to look at him. “What do you want me to say, Steve?”
“The truth. At least to me”, he said moving closer to you. You looked at him with a frown, trying to keep your tears inside.
“Yes Steve, I’m in love with someone who hates me, with someone that had never said a nice word to me. I love Bucky and after five months the feeling didn’t go away. I wish I could do something to just…forget about him but I can’t.” You said.
He was looking at you the whole time, not saying a word until you were finished. And even then, he just pulled you closer to him, hugging you tight as you cried over his chest, rubbing your back slowly in a useless attempt to calm you down. You felt slightly better after saying it out loud to someone but knowing that Bucky would never feel the same for you just made you cry even more.
“He doesn’t hate you”, he whispered after placing a kiss on your head.
“He does”, you said sniffing.
“Look, I’m not talking about Bucky’s feelings ok? You should. But believe me when I say he doesn’t hate you. Not at all”, he said. Not saying a word you wrapped your arms around him once again. “You hungry?” He asked and you shook your head. “Ok… I’m going to have dinner and I’ll come back later ok? You take a shower and calm down, please. You know I can’t see you like this”, he said looking down at you.
Once you nodded he kissed your forehead and walked out of the room, leaving you alone. You couldn’t believe you had just confessed your true feelings towards Bucky to Steve, his best friend. You knew he would say anything since he didn’t like to interfere in this kind of things, but still it worried you. If Bucky knew he would just make fun of you forever and it would be even more painful than it already was.
Since you weren’t hungry at all, you did as Steve told you and took a shower. It really helped you to calm down but you were still sobbing lightly when you got dressed into some oversize t-shirt and your underwear. You didn’t know what else you could so you took the book you were currently reading, The Lord of the Rings, and sat on the bed, leaned against the headboard and started reading. This was probably the only way you knew to escape reality at least for a while.
A couple of hours later you actually felt a bit better. The tension in your chest and the knot in your stomach were still there but at least you didn’t feel like you could cry any moment now. Probably reading Frodo’s adventure did help you a bit.
“May I come in?” You heard Steve from the door. You looked up and saw him popping his head in.
“Sure”, you said smiling a little as you put your book down on the bed. He walked in and took a seat next to you, examining your features, probably looking for any sign of recent tears.
“How are you feeling?” He finally asked.
“I’ve been reading The Lord of the Rings for the last two hours. I could probably speak elfic by now”, you joked. He chuckled and took the book, examining it silently.
“I’ve been talking with Bucky”, he finally said with a sigh. You tensed up as he said that. He didn’t tell him right? He couldn’t do that to you. He was like your brother. “Don’t worry, I didn’t say anything”, he added quickly as he saw your expression. Thanks to that you relaxed a bit but you were still anxious. What had they been talking about?
“And…?” You pushed him after a while of silence.
“I don’t know what I can say…” He frowned.
“He hates me right?” You said feeling how you broke a bit.
“No. You drive him insane”, he said with a chuckle before looking at you. “(Y/N) you really should talk to him about this”, he said.
“No.” You said simply. “He will laugh at me and make fun of me for it. I can’t deal with that”, you said.
“He won’t”, he assured you putting the book on the side table. “Trust me on this one”
“I always trust you, Rogers”, you said hugging your knees against your chest and resting your chin on them.
“And have I ever failed you?” He smiled innocently at you.
“No…” You admitted looking down at the bed. “But what am I supposed to say? He’s an idiot. We can’t say two sentences without fighting” you frowned.
“I don’t know. I don’t know what’s in your head when you see him”, he shrugged. “Just go and improvise”, he made you laugh with that.
“That’s the worst plan ever, Captain”, you told him with a sigh.
“Just…try it.” He said once again looking at you.
With a frown you looked up at him and then down. You couldn’t. It was true that you could resist a bullet wound, a broken bone and everything. But you wouldn’t be able to resist a broken heart. You just knew it. You were too scared of that to even trying.
“Sleep it off, babe” he said kissing your head before getting up and going to the door. “But I think it would be worth it”, he added before walking out of the room and closing the door behind him.
Fucking 3 a.m. and there you were. Rolling around the bed, not being able to sleep because all you saw every time you closed your eyes were his eyes. Full of hate. And at the same time you just couldn’t get Steve’s words out of your head. Why would he be so sure about you talking to him? It didn’t make sense. And why did you drive Bucky insane? Was that even a good thing?
Once you got sick of being in bed you just got up, changed into your training clothes and left the room. Maybe a punching bag session would help you clearing your head. As you walked into the gym and FRIDAY turned on the lights for you, you went to your locker to take the tape for your fingers and knuckles. Seated on a bench you started wrapping it around your fingers methodically and once you were done you got up and walked to the bag.
Without hesitation you started throwing one punch after the other, picturing Bucky’s smirk all the time. That damn sexy smirk that made you want to punch him in the face. Gosh, that would really feel good. Why did he have to be so rude? So asshole? Why couldn’t he see you?
“Damn…” You mumbled when you felt yourself tearing up once again.
Taking the bag in your hands you pressed your forehead against it, taking some deep breaths in order to calm you down. You were better off when he was away in the fucking ice. Sure, you missed him, but it was much easier than having him around and not be able to actually have him. Especially when you craved his touch, his voice, his laugh. But you knew that was impossible.
“Damn it!” You screamed punching the bag with rage this time. “Why do you have to be so fucking idiot?” You mumbled to yourself as you kept on punching, stronger every time.
“Feisty, aren’t we?” You stopped punching the second you heard his voice.
This wasn’t possible. What was he doing down there? At fucking 4 in the fucking morning? How was it possible?
“If karma exists…it hates me”, you mumbled to yourself before you just kept on going with your training, ignoring his presence.
“And now you don’t even say hi? And I thought we were making progress” he said now closer to you. You had to take a deep breath in order not to turn around and punch his head. “The cat got your tongue?”
“What the fuck do you want Barnes?” You snapped, stopping the bag from swinging but not looking at him.
“There she is”, he said. Without even looking at him you could see the smirk on his face. That stupid goddamn sexy smirk. “Actually I went to the kitchen to have some water”, he said. Suddenly he appeared on your visual field but you had to look away. He was just wearing some sweatpants that were hanging low on his hips. Of course he didn’t use a t-shirt to sleep. “And I heard the noises down here. I got curious and came down, thinking it was someone…”
As he didn’t finish the sentence you looked at him for a moment. Exactly, he was wearing that stupid smirk. You turned around and walked to the bench where you had the bottle of water you had taken from the kitchen before coming down. You knew he was teasing you. He wanted you to react but you didn’t want to give in. Not for once.
“You know. Someone who can actually fight without help”, he said.
This time it was him who had hit a sensitive spot for you. Since you had been the newest addition to the team, you didn’t have as much experience as the others. Due to that fact, you used to need help in missions if you got surrounded by your enemies. You hated that. You felt weak and useless but you knew telling the team not to help you would mean your death. Plus, they wouldn’t even listen to you.
“Can you leave me alone? Just for once?” You asked after taking a long sip from the bottle.
“That would be too easy, don’t you think?” And once again he was just behind you.
“What’s your problem, Barnes?” You snapped turning around to face him. “Why do you enjoy this so much huh? Torturing me every single time you see me?”
“Me? You are always the one picking up a fucking fight for the lamest things!” He exclaimed frowning. “And now it is my fault?”
“You were the one coming down here! Right now! And decided to stay when you saw it was me! The person you apparently hate the most”, you said feeling yourself on the edge once again. You didn’t want to cry in front of him but you knew it was hard to control.
“I don’t fucking hate you! You just drive me insane, don’t you understand?” He said louder now.
“And what’s that supposed to mean James!? Because I swear that I can’t keep on doing this anymore, it’s fucking killing me. I can’t manage you looking at me like that anymore, it’s too painful don’t you see? The only reason I keep on fighting you it’s because that’s the only way we can talk and I would rather have that than nothing at all.” You were now literally yelling at his face.
“Oh of course! Because we can’t be friends right? Fight or nothing, that’s the deal with you right?” He yelled at you as well.
“I can’t be friends with you, you dumbass.” You said lower at the moment. Feeling the words bubbling in your throat. Would you be able to say them?
“What’s that supposed to mean?” He asked crossing his arms.
“That I’m desperately in love with you, fuck!” You exclaimed. “That this months had been a living hell because you weren’t around. That I had missed you more than I want to admit and I still hated seeing you back because I know you hate me and I love you and I fucking hate loving you”, you said with tears in your eyes now.
When you finished talking you found yourself much relieved, like something heavy had left your body. But now you were right on the edge, really to fall, ready to break. And the only person who could save was standing in front of you, looking at you in shock. You knew he didn’t feel the same. You had been so stupid. You shouldn’t have listened to Steve and you knew it.
“Forget it”, you mumbled before walking out of the gym as fast as you could, wanting to leave him behind, as far from you as possible.
First of all you were going to kill Steve. Somehow he managed to give you hope when you shouldn’t have had any. And then you would just try and avoid the soldier as much as you could. You didn’t want to see his face ever again. You would still go to the missions with him because it was your job but that would be all. But the worst part was having to pick up your broken heart and try and fix it again, knowing you wouldn’t be able to. How did you allow yourself to fall so hard for anyone?
When you walked into your room, tears streaming down your face like a cascade, sobbing like never before, you started taking off the tape from your hands. You wanted to hate him. You needed it but at least for now you knew it was impossible.
A knock on your door took you out of your thoughts. Somehow you knew it was him so you didn’t want to open the door but before you could control yourself, you were already at the door. Indeed, he was there, on the other side, looking at you still shocked.
“James just leave me alone, please”, you said as you started to close the door again but he put his metal arm against it, stopping you.
“No”, he said simply.
Suddenly you saw something changing in his eyes for a second before he placed his flesh hand on your neck and kissed you fiercely, closing the door with his other hand before placing it on your hair. Your hands travelled up his body until you placed them on his hair and his neck while his moved down to your hips to pull you closer to him. You didn’t know what this meant. It made absolutely no sense at all and still you didn’t want to pull away from him. It felt good. Really good. His lips were soft but the kiss was pure passion. His breath was fresh somehow and you tasted mint in his mouth. And as he tried to pull you even closer, making you arch your back, you realised you had never felt like this. At home.
“Bucky…wait, stop…” You finally managed to pull away to look at him. He looked down at you but didn’t put his hands away from you. “What are you doing?”
“What I should’ve done a long time ago, doll”, he whispered stroking your head before pecking your lips. “I told you. You drive me insane. Every time I see you I just want to devour your lips, every time I hear you laugh I want to be the reason you’re laughing”, he said smiling a little and you swore you could see some pink on his cheeks. “But I thought you hated me and I still loved you. It drove me insane, I swear”, he said. As he said those words you felt your heart suddenly racing once again.
“You…you love me?” You whispered, being too afraid of believing him.
“(Y/N)…when T’Challa’s scientists took me out of the ice, I didn’t think of a cure, I didn’t think about what HYDRA had done to me… I thought about you. Only you.” He said before kissing you softly again. “About your laugh, your eyes, about how funny you are when you’re furious but still a bit scary, how adorable you are when you’re sleepy and how moody you are every morning. I just wanted to see you, babe”, he confessed.
“And couldn’t you say all this just months ago?” You asked smiling a little. He chuckled and kissed you again.
“I was busy trying to hate you”, he whispered. “I’m glad to tell you it didn’t work”
“I’m glad”, you said smiling at him.