I just want someone to hold my hand, take me into their arms and tell me everything is going to be ok. Why does is have to be so hard to come across a person who cares? Why do I have to feel lonely every time I so desperately ache for an embrace?

L.// things I should have said out loud #6

[04/25/2017, Tuesday]

okay alright I’m having some aroace feelings and I need to get some shit off my chest because I’m having a hard time coming to grips with some things like

there is shit I want that I feel like I can never have just because of being aroace you know??? Like I don’t want to share a home with anyone I don’t really wanna share my life with anyone but I love being close with people?? I love laying my head on someone’s lap, giving really great cuddles, laying next to someone in a bed, just feeling that something warm next to me but it is completely and unquestionably non-sexual and non-romantic

also I hardcore prefer these activities to be with women? but I don’t know if that’s just a society based bias because we’re always told men ‘want’ something like?? ???? like can you be platonic gay?? is that a thing??

wait fuck that is a thing, queer platonic relationships FUCk I want one of THOSE

anyway, labels aside that isn’t what really bothers me, what really bothers me is the thought that I can’t have this, I feel like I can’t have it because other people won’t understand it like, ugh, if I had someone to cuddle with and be close to I would need them to understand that it is platonic only, and I’m afraid I could never find someone who would be comfortable with this kind of set up without 'getting anything’ from it

I mean I wouldn’t necessarily even need one person! and I already have a bunch of friends and even family that I’m super close with and are comfortable with cuddles and pecks on the cheek and they know it is platonic only and it’s perfect when I can hang out with them but, I’m afraid of when they all get into relationships of their own, will that make things different? will I make their partners uncomfortable?

one of them is already in a relationship but it’s with a friend who’s familiar with the dynamic of our weird group so he doesn’t care if I sit next to his girlfriend and lay my head on her shoulder and kiss her on the cheek, but I’m concerned about outsiders, people who aren’t familiar

and I see my friends so rarely anyway because of my job and just everyone’s lives and I just feel kinda lonely… but I don’t know how to talk about it with people who aren’t aroace because everyone always assumes loneliness is fixed with romance and I DON’T want the 'you’ll find someone for you!’ talk I cannot handle that shit goD

I mean even a pet would make me feel better but I can’t get one right now because of my living situation and even if I did I have like, this anxiety about germs and washing my hands after touching animals and fur gives me allergies so, even if I had a big dog that I could cuddle and have sleep next to me for comfort I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about the germs and the hair all over my house and I’d feel like I’d have to wash the bedsheets every day

I just feel like, I can’t have what would make me happy… and I’m just really bummed out about that right now, maybe if I could find another aroace spec person who gets it? but I’d have to find someone who is not only ALREADY rare to find, but also in my area and gets along with me, I only know one other aroace person and we… don’t really talk any more so, she’s not even remotely an option

the society we live in is not built to make people of my sexuality comfortable, and that makes me feel… really shitty right now, I just want someone to hold me and be held by me and not expect anything more than that, why does that have to be so much to ask?

me: i honestly just want someone to hold me and comfort me i wanna be loved and cuddled

someone: *breathes within five feet of me*

me: what the f uck. w h ta th a fu cK. i swear to G O d. is wear to god if u touch me. i will lose my mind

I just want someone that would hold me, hug me and say everything will be alright. That they will never leave. Someone I can tell everything....

Please be that someone.