Your Sunshine

I can’t stay your sunshine
forever you know.
I can’t be that happy person
when my heart’s turned to snow.

When my heart is cold and dark
and has no light.
I can’t be expected to
cheer you up just right.

You know and I know that I have
tried many times.
It’s worked in certain cases
but has given me fines.

My heart gets even colder
with every time I help.
And I still keep on smiling
so you don’t know how that felt.

All that coldness begins to make
my heart feel so heavy and weak.
Then my heart comes falling apart
and the people who help; I forget to seek.

I bear these burdens
as if they are my own.
But, that doesn’t help
when I’ve never known…

I’ve never known what
these people have gone through.
Or if what they are saying
isn’t really true.

But, I know I can’t stay your sunshine forever.
And I’m not sure if you know that too.
I suppose this is the time to say:
This sunshine’s heart has decided to cool.

i hate that at work i have to wear a name tag and be referred to by my birth name. i hate it so so much. it makes me feel like throwing up because that’s not who i am inside. my parents and some of my friends and family still call me by my birth name and let me tell you it FUCKING SUCKS. every time i hear it it’s like a stab in the chest. i just want to be myself but it feels sometimes like the world is going against me. i don’t know how to tell my employers that i’m trans and i don’t know how to tell my parents and friends that they SERIOUSLY need to stop calling me my birth name because it makes me feel like shit. ugh.

Questions and Answers.

Yes, I’m depressed. No, I did not ask to be like this. No, depression is not beautiful and anxiety is not an act. Yes, i feel alone. No, i do not have anyone to tell. Yes, i do wish i did. No, i do not know anyone suffering this like i am. Yes, i wish to end it. No, i do not want to die, i want the voices and monsters inside me too. Yes, i have thought about suicide. No, i have not tried stabbing myself in the chest. Yes, i have taken a knife to my wrist. No, nobody knows about the suicide attempts. Yes, people have noticed my interest for rooftops, knifes, guns and pills. No, i have not had anyone try to stop me. Yes, i wish someone did. No, i do not blame anyone for this sad lifestyle. Yes, i only blame my stupid self.


I don’t usually write personal posts, but I’m not sure where to voice my thoughts without eventually ripping them up and tossing them in the trash. I’m tired. I’m really fucking tired. Of being hurt and disappointed. Of feeling anxious. Of being stupid enough to believe that I can trust and rely on other people even after being stabbed in the back over and over again. Nothing I do seems to work for very long. I’ve cut out the negative people in my life. I surrounded myself with friends that I truly thought would be there for me. I’ve made so many lifestyle changes, but the waves of depression and anxiety just keep coming back and knocking me over. And usually I’m able to pick myself back up. But this time around seems different. The tightness in my chest is overwhelming. I can’t concentrate on anything. Late nights have transformed into full blown insomnia. I can barely get out of bed each day. Depression and anxiety in combination are horrifying. I would never wish them upon anyone. I hurt. I hurt so badly, but there’s no physical injury. Nothing that anyone is ever concerned about. Only an insidious cancer of the mind and an excruciatingly slow erosion of self. I’m scared. I don’t like feeling this way. Like the true me that I’ve worked so hard to develop and improve is slowly, but surely deteriorating. I’m not sure I can do this anymore. Get out of bed every morning and force myself to believe that things will get better when they never do for very long. I’m tired. I’m so so tired.

anonymous asked:

My crush doesn't know if he likes me back, he's really sweet and awkward and funny. I've told him that I like him & he's also a sorta close friend. He never gives me an answer but at least that's better than him saying he doesn't like me back. Getting stabbed in the chest would feel better than him saying he doesn't like me back.

this is so me right now I feel like I could have written this message!!!!! holy moly we are in the exact same position. im sorry I don’t have advice because I’m still figuring out what to do myself!!! best of luck to both of us x

Predicament, IMPORTANT

Now, I’ve kind of backed myself into a corner here. My muse just stabbed himself in the chest, and is bleeding out. I’m at a loss as to what will happen if he dies. If this happens, I will likely end this blog next week as; well, I’d have no character to RP as. Anyways, I’m unsure what to do about this. Any ideas?

Everyday i have this constant pain in my chest… Its irritating… It makes me overthink… Makes me want to stab myself… I feel like im drowning in my own misery… I hate it…

It might be fun to have someone who could be my positive light… Because right now i feel like a depressed dark shadow…

A moments heartache

I want to tear out all the emotions lurking in my heart. I want to bludgeon my brain so it can stop rationalizing a relationship that is obviously making me sick. I want to stab myself in the chest and swish the blade to and fro. I want the icy metal to slice through my guts and snap every tendon keeping me together. Let my rotten insides come out and maybe that will make you realize that I have been dead since August. My body leaks with sadness but you still think I’m beautiful. To be blind to what I am feels like a lie being told to my face. My sadness is always considered anger because it’s easier to deal with that way. Anger is met with no love. Gazes of pity and disgust. “why are you acting like this”. “i dont understand”. “im not doing this”. “whats wrong with you”. When you ask a person things like this when they are in a dark place, you give them the keys to a door that leads to blackness. I start to believe I’m stupid and irrational. The best part about this is, It comes from a person who says they Love me.

Sorry, Sorry, Sorry.

Welp, here I am again thinking too much and sleeping too little. 

I was so happy yesterday that I was blind. It was still an amazing day but it opened my eyes to something, and tonight kinda solidified my fear. And I know it’s probably just my anxiety freaking me out, and I know I promised my friends I would be open with them about it, but at the time I couldn’t even calm myself down. I felt like I was going to burst into tears just randomly and I didn’t want them to freak out or something so instead I just left. I just up and left with barely a word, which I probably should not have done now that I think about it. They have been so amazing with my issues I know they would understand…but there was just a fucking mental thing that was literally hurting me physically. I mean just thinking about trying to talk to my friends made my chest hurt and I had stabbing pains in my head. It was strange. 

I am just going to bring it up later today, hopefully my freaking out doesn’t continue and I can actually talk to them. 

I’m so fucking mad the Internet connecting here is terrible and my iPod doesn’t work well so I can’t put music on it so I have to use wifi to lisyeb to music and the wifi connection is ducking awful. Just shoot me in the fucking face I hate my family I’ve had to go two and a half weeks without swearing and I feel like I’m about to snap especially since I hate my family and the way I express myself is through music which I can’t do now which is making me even worse inside I feel like my chests is collapsing and I could stab someone right now life eighty two times in the face without feeling anything no exaggeration I am so ugfrrly numb of all emotions but rage and it’s been like this for too long I’m tired of feeling angry at the world and i. Tired of lying to Lysenko everyone I get of bed in the morning I just can’t do it anymore I can’t it’s just so much pain and so much hate and it’s unbearable I don’t think I can even come back from it this time I’m tired of lying to myself and to everyone around me I wanna die

Tonight all the feelings I pushed away have resurfaced
Because last night I saw you and when I saw you last night…
Everything just hit me
Everything I tried to tell myself I didn’t feel
Seeing you was a slap in the face
A stab in the chest
Seeing you and having you act as if nothing had changed, made me realize how much I wanted things to go back to the way they were
To fall back into place the way they used to be
It made me realize how that will never happen
Tonight I ache
Tonight I love you so much still


The most unlikely thing to stress about..

I can’t do it..

My room is still a mess.. Lots of clothes unwashed. Unorganized.
I have clothes and shoes all over the house.

I don’t have enough money yet.

I haven’t showered..
I’m still fat.

How can I proceed to leaving this world?
If doing so will likely burden my family more right now?

My brother is going to college.
Funds. More funds will be needing.

I want to escape.
For selfish reasons.
Because I can’t handle myself.
Because I’m struggling so fucking hard with my life for a reason I can’t even find.

I have a burning desire to stab through my chest, and just lay here for the next hours.. Hoping the loss of blood would take me away for good.

But I just can’t do it yet.
They’re not ready.

Panic/Anxiety Attacks...

So, I flew from Jacksonville, Florida to Atlanta, Georgia to Kansas City, Missouri.

That morning, I forgot to take my Anxiety meds., and on the first flight, before the plane was even in the air or moving, my brain just flooded with scenarios that weren’t pretty…

My heart started racing, and I thought I thought I was having a Heart Attack at first, then I remembered that I didn’t take my meds.

My breathing complicated a little, but I made sure to tell myself I was going to be okay, since it was only an hour flight. It was a mild Panic Attack.


On the second flight to Kansas City, about halfway into the flight, I started thinking too much again. My heart felt like someone was stabbing me on the chest.

It was hard to breathe…. but I was rapidly.

My mouth went dry, and it felt as if my throat was closing.

I was sweating, and felt cold.

I pushed the button thingy for a flight attendant, and had to wait 8 or 11 minutes until I saw her.

She came by, turned off the button, walked away, and then 3 minutes later, came back and asked, “Did you need anything?”


Well, anyway… I asked for water, and she brought it to me.

I drank it, leaned back, closed my eyes, and kept on thinking of good things, and not the plane going down and killing everyone. I’m not scared of flights. I promise.

Panic/Anxiety attacks are painful. They feel like you’re being suffocated. They are serious…


That’s all…

I’m genuinely hurting so much now and I don’t know how to stop. Having my heart ripped out of my chest and stabbed repeatedly would hurt less than this. How much longer can I keep doing this to myself.