back to chapter five
The moment my eyes are met with the sunlight pouring into the bedroom I immediately wished I was asleep again. Sleeping meant peace for me. It meant I could be at peace without thinking—over-thinking. I wanted my mind to be free of any thoughts that could eat me alive and instead be filled with thoughts that could take my mind off those other thoughts. But, I couldn’t fall back asleep. Once I’m awake, I can’t close my eyes and get lost in empty dreams again.
With little to no effort, I dragged myself out of bed and walked out of my room. The whole place is cast in silence. It was relieving, really. I didn’t have to wake up to Katelyn nagging at me about how I should act normal or how I should try speaking to people besides her. Truth is though, I didn’t even talk to her as much as it may seem so. I kept our conversations short; sometimes I even tried to avoid getting into deep conversations with her. They were all efforts to keep my mind free.
As humans we all desire to be free, but even when you believe you are free, you aren’t. There’s always a boundary keeping us from reaching full freedom. But, that’s life. Life will never be free. No one can ever be free, but one can try to be. I may not be completely free but I did everything I could to get exactly that. I had days where I was trapped; trapped by a dark burden clouding my thoughts. That’s when I was anything, but free. And that’s when I’m suffocating. It’s a terrifying feeling and I often felt as if my head is pounding, like it could explode.
When I reached the kitchen I went straight to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. I took small sip then walked over to the table where I spotted my notebook. I made my way over to sit down, my attention still remaining on the black notebook. Katelyn always knew never to look at it. The day I got it I painted a red X on it and told her that it meant it was private. That notebook held everything. It held my thoughts, my fears, my life. It was everything I couldn’t share with the world.
My train of thought was abruptly interrupted when there was a knock on the door. I figured it was Katelyn, being that she had a habit of being forgetful, and most likely left her key at home. So, I sighed, got out of the seat and opened the front door.
“You should really stop forgetting your ke—oh.” I quickly went silent seeing the familiar pair of blue eyes. Luke was the last person I wanted to see. I would’ve been better off with Katelyn answering the door, but apparently life wanted to slap me in the face.
“Your voice is far more cute than I imagined.” He said quietly. I shook my head at his words and closed the door, but Luke stopped it with his hand. “Look I know you don’t particularly like me, Elleya, but you’re the only person who listens to me.”
Then stop coming to me. Find someone else who’s worth your time.
I didn’t bother to look him in the eyes and I knew he wasn’t going to go away, so I back away from the door. I began to walk into the kitchen, in attempt to avoid being to close to him. Much to my displeasure, Luke followed me.
“I know you can talk. Please, stop ignoring me and acting like I don’t exist.” He pleaded as I turned my back to him while I stared blankly at the counter.
I’m not ignoring you, but I’m trying to imagine you’re not actually here and that this is just a dream.
“Elleya, I’m serious. Every night I tell you everything I’m feeling because you’re the only person who doesn’t judge me but I can’t handle being the only one to speak. I mean—I want to be your friend, but we can’t do that if you constantly avoid me.” He went on and I felt my grip on the edge of the counter tighten.
I don’t want to be your friend.
I don’t want to be your friend.
I don’t want anything.
“And you can push me away day after day, but I’m not going to stop, at least not yet.” He fell silent for a few moments and leaned against the counter opposite of me. I heard him let out a sigh of frustration. Honestly, he wasn’t the only one who was feeling such a way.
I wanted him to leave and I wanted to get away, but I couldn’t because he wasn’t going to give up. He needed to give up for the sake of his far too big of a heart. “I know you don’t want to talk to me but you really should. You can’t spend the rest of your life pretending people don’t exist. I’m right here in front of you and you’re not—”
“Shut up! Just shut up!” The words slipped from mouth unexpectedly. At this point I was facing Luke, my eyes locked with his. I had never really looked into his eyes like so, but I saw something in them that scared me. And suddenly, my heart felt as if it was slamming against my chest and my head was becoming crowded. All the while, Luke just stood there staring at me, a hurt expression slowly creeping upon his face.
“I’m sorry…” He finally broke the agonizing silence between us. I bit down on my lip and redirected my attention to the floor. “Elleya…I-I’m not saying you need to speak to me right away, but I feel like you should at some point. We see each other basically every day and honestly, it’s become a habit for me. I just—feel like I’m missing part of you. You listen but you never respond. I’m not even asking for advice, I’m just asking for someone to talk to.”
This is wrong.
This is all wrong.
This world is wrong.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
Luke’s expression became filled with guilt and and a frown soon overtook his face, only causing me to feel guilt, myself.
“Okay…I uhm, I’ll be at the beach at midnight. If you don’t want to see me I’ll understand.” He said and left me in the kitchen speechless. When I hear the front door shut I sprinted over to my notebook and flipped it open to the page where I had drawn a black box. My mind began to pound again and already tears brimmed the edge of my eyes. I suck in a sharp, deep breath using every bit of strength I had to avoid letting those tears escape.
I stood up and back up against the wall, taking more and more breaths. They soon became quick and hasty and I sat there on the floor trying desperately to get my breathing under control.
With the need to take my mind off my unsteady breaths, I grab a pen from my room and open my notebook to the next blank page.
Stupid. Stupid. Wrong. Wrong.
Don’t fall into the trap. Stay up. Stay away. Go away. Get away. Leave leave leave leave.
I got so caught up into the words I was scribbling into the notebook that I didn’t realize I was sobbing. Each tear stained the thin paper, some even distorting the words inked onto it.
He’s wrong. You’re wrong. She was wrong. He was wrong. The world is wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong. Stop. STOP.
I shut my eyes and dropped my pen on the notebook. My breath soon quieted, but it remained shaky and the pounding in my head ceased while my heart rate relaxed. I swallowed the lump in my throat and stood up from the table. But before I could escape to my room the front door opened and I froze in place.
“Hey, El—are you crying?” She asked slowly.
“Was…” I mumbled under my breath.
“Did Luke stop by?” I nodded. At first I just stared at the ground blankly but within a second of hearing her, my eyes widen. I snap my head up and send her a glare.
“Did you know he was going to stop by?”
“Yeah, I was just trying to—”
“You set it up didn’t you? You gave him my address thinking that he’d be good for me didn’t you?” I begin to become agitated again. It only worsened when she doesn’t respond. “Didn’t you?!” I screamed.
“I did, but I was just—”
“Shut up! I don’t want to hear it! For once can you not meddle in my life?!”
“I’m sorry El, I—”
“Don’t call me that! Don’t ever call me that!” I snapped before running straight into my room, wasting no time in locking the door behind me. Katelyn attempted to knock on my doors but I didn’t dare open it. After she gave up, I walked over to my bed and sat down.
You’re wrong. You’re so so wrong.
continue to chapter seven