i-cant-do-this-without-you

Without you.

Hii, Here is part 2 to ‘Give me a Break.“ I got so many great responses to it and I cant thank you enough. I hope you enjoy it.xxx

During the first week without him Y/N was alright. She busied herself with working and cleaning up the house and doing everything to take her mind off the fact that something was missing.
Or someone.

During the first week without her Harry was heartbroken. Just like every time he was away from her. It was worse this time though. He didn’t talk to her. And he had no idea where they were standing right now.
And he missed her.

During the second week without him it finally sunk in that he wasn’t there. Y/N finally realized what ‘taking a break’ really meant. It meant radio silence. Nothing. Nothing but her mind wandering to him and what happened. And how everything was so messed up.
And that was when she understood Harry’s doubts.

During the second week without her he got used to the empty feeling inside his heart. He got used to the sleepless nights and mornings filled with tears. He didn’t eat properly anymore. He hadn’t smiled ever since he left her standing in their foyer. He felt like he wasn’t able to breath. Like his lungs would collapse anytime.

When the day of his departure finally came he didn’t know what to do. He wanted to see her before he left for two weeks. He wanted a good luck kiss from her or else he was sure he would mess up SNL.
But when his finger hovered over the call button he hesitated. What if she didn’t want to talk to him? What if she didn’t want to see him?
He was scared.
No, terrified.
But he had to talk to her. He couldn’t take another second without hearing her voice.
So he took a deep breath and called her. And he waited. And waited. With ever beep his heart sunk lower and lower. Until finally it shattered when a female voice told him he could leave a message.
He tossed the phone onto the bed and gasped for air. Tears welled up in his eyes and streamed down his cheeks. Whimpers and silent sobs wrecked his body.
This can’t be happening.
She can’t be serious.
And again he began to doubt everything.

Two hours later his phone rang. When he saw her photo on his screen he closed his eyes for a second before he lifted his phone to his ear.
“Hello?”
“Harry, oh my goodness. I’m so sorry I didn’t pick up earlier but I took a nap and I didn’t hear my phone ringing. I’m sorry. Please tell me you didn’t leave yet.”
His eyes closed again when he finally heard her voice again.
“I haven’t.”
“Alright. Okay. Then I’ll come over. You want me to come over, right? Or maybe you just called to let me know you’re leaving and you don’t even want to see me. God, I want to see you, Harry. Or even worse you called to-”
“Love. I want to see you. Or course I do.” he chuckled quietly.
“You do?”
“More than anything.”
“You don’t hate me?”
“I told you I could never hate you.”
“Okay. That’s good, because I don’t hate you either. I actually love you and-” she stopped talking abruptly.
“And?”
“And I’m rambling.” she sighed out.
Harry chuckled and for the first time in weeks he smiled again. Because of her. Because she made him smile during the worst times.
“You want to come over now?”
“Yes. Of course. I’ll be twenty minutes tops. See you!”
“Drive safely.”
And with that they hung up.
He noticed that his hands were shaking and his face was burning up. Twenty minutes. Twenty minutes until he saw her again. God, he missed her.
He went into the bathroom and studied himself in the mirror. He had a bit of peach fuzz going on above his lips and around his jawline but he knew she liked that. His hair was messy but not too messy. He filled his hands with cold water and spritzt it onto his face to make sure he looked a bit more fresh.
He was wearing the yellow and black pullover from Gucci which Y/N absolutely loved. His legs were covered by black skinny jeans like always. On his fingers sat all the rings Y/N loved.
And she loved him.

Y/N was shaking too when she placed her phone down, her breathing heavier than usual.
She went into the bathroom to check her appearance. Her hair was straightened and framing her face nicely. Her makeup was natural but complimented every feature perfectly. She was wearing a dark blue V-neck pullover and around her neck she wore the golden necklace Harry gave her on their one year anniversary. Her legs were covered by blue ripped jeans and she knew Harry loved them.
But did he lover her?

When she finally arrived at Gemma’s house she was more nervous than ever. She didn’t know what would happen now. If she would only walk in, wish him good luck and then leave again. The worst was that she didn’t have a lot of time. Only an hour before she would have to leave in order to be on time for her dinner plans.
She took a deep breath before she got out of her car and made her way to the front door. She lifted her shaking hand and rung the doorbell. A few seconds later she heard footsteps making their way to the door. And then he opened it.
And he stood there in all his glory, looking even more handsome than ever. A soft smile grazed his lips and she heard him release the breath he was holding.
“Hello, lo-”
He didn’t get to finish his sentence because Y/N threw her arms around his neck and squeezed him tightly. She heard his surprised gasp and prayed he wouldn’t push her away, but he didn’t. Of course he didn’t. He only pulled her closer and nuzzled his face into her neck.
She smelled his familiar scent and tears sprung to her eyes immediately. His pillow lost his scent long ago and she missed it.
She smelled just like he remembered as well. Fresh and girly and so like home.
They stood like that for a few moments before Y/N pulled away and wiped the tears from her cheeks.
"Sorry, didn’t mean to jump on you like that. Just really missed you.”
Harry closed the door behind her and took hold of one of her hands.
“I missed you, too.”
Their eyes met and they both felt their hearts breaking all over again when they saw each others sadness.
Harry wrapped her in a tight hug again, his hands rubbing over her back in the way he knew she liked.
“You look very beautiful, my love.” he whispered into her neck.
“You look very handsome as well, Harry.” she replied and pulled back a bit so she could look at him.
Harry reached up to cup her cheek and stroked over her cheek gently.
“I cooked dinner. My legendary chicken that you love so much.” he smiled softly.
“I’d love to stay for dinner, but I can’t. I already made plans with someone.”
Y/N watched with horror as Harry’s face fell immediately and his hand dropped from her cheek. He took a step back and scratched his head awkwardly.
“A-Alright. Uhm, well-”
“Harry? Did I say something wrong?” she panicked, her hand reaching out for him but he took another step back.
“No. Everything’s okay.”
“Is… Is it because I said I made plans with someone?”
He looked at the floor, his fingers nervously playing with his rings. She sighed and shook her head.
“I made plans with someone new from work. His name is Tim and he needs some information and we thought it would be nice to do all that stuff over dinner.”
His eyes closed briefly when he heard his name.
Tim.
Y/N sighed again, closed the gap between them and threaded her fingers through his.
“This is a business dinner, Harry. Not a date. I don’t go on dates with anyone but if I would want to I’d only go with you. Tim is nice and we get along and he needs a bit of help. That’s all.”
“Do you like him?”
“I don’t know him so there’s nothing to like or dislike.”
“Do you want to get to know him?”
“Harry!” she exclaimed frustrated.
“What?!”
“I told you it’s a business dinner. You have nothing to worry about, alright? Believe me, I would love to stay here and eat dinner with you. But I don’t think that’s exactly what we should do during our break and I can’t just ditch Tim.”
His eyes snapped to hers and his brows furrowed.
“You think we can’t spend a evening together just because we’re on a break?”
Her eyes closed briefly and she sighed. She looked up at him again and lifted the hand that wasn’t holding his to his cheek.
“We said we needed space, remember? I don’t want to mess anything up just because we’re desperately missing each other.”
You said we needed space, not me.” Harry mumbled.
“Harry.” she all but pleaded and Harry sighed and nodded.
“So you don’t have that much time, hm?”
“No.”
“Well, at least you came. Wasn’t sure you’d want to.”
“Of course I wanted to. I missed you like crazy.”
The both stared into each other’s eyes for a few seconds before Harry sighed and leaned his forehead against hers.
“What are we doing, love?” he asked in a whisper.
“Let’s not talk about it now, yeah? We’ll do that when you’re back and we’ll have time.”
“Okay.”
Y/N reached her arms up again and wrapped them around his neck, pressing a tiny kiss right behind his ear.
“I’m scared, H.”
“Me too, love.”
They pulled back and both sighed.
“I think it’s better when I’ll leave now.” she whispered after a few seconds.
Harry wanted to shake his head and hold her so she couldn’t leave. He wanted her to stay with him and not go out with another man. She was his after all.
But he nodded anyway. Because it was for the better.
“Promise me to take care, yeah? And don’t go out without at least one bodyguard, you know how crazy the fans in New York are.”
“I promise.” he smiled weakly.
“And promise not to forget about me.” she whimpered and Harry was shocked to see tears falling from her eyes.
“Love, I could never forget about you. I love you so much.”
And now they were both crying.
“I love you too.”
“God, we never cry this much when I have to leave.” Harry chuckled.
Y/N giggled softly wiped her constantly falling tears away.
“You can still call me anytime you need to, okay? I’m never too busy and I don’t care about time zones.”
“Same goes to you.” she nodded.
“Can I get a good luck kiss? Or else I think I’ll mess up.”
She laughed softly and leaned up to press her lips to his. Harry moaned quietly at the contact and pulled her closer. She melted against him like she always does and opened her mouth so Harry could deepen the kiss, but only for a moment before he pulled away to breath. He held her in place with his hand in her hair so she wouldn’t pull away and pressed countless soft kisses against her mouth. He wasn’t ready to let go yet.
“Harry…”
“I’m gonna…”
“Be late.” she finally finished with a laugh when she pulled away enough that his lips didn’t touch hers anymore.
“Don’t care. That Tom guy can wait.”
“Tim.”
“Even if his name was Gustav, Rudolph or Theodor I wouldn’t care.”
Y/N kissed him through her smile and pulled him closer. She wasn’t ready to let go either.
“I really have to go now.”
He sighed, nodded and kissed her again.
“You’ll kick ass in New York, alright?”
He chuckled and nodded.
“I’ll try.”
They kissed again and again until she really had to leave or else she would definitely make Tim wait.
“You know that I love you, right?” he asked just before she exited the house.
“I do. I love you, too. We’ll get through this.” she smiled at him.
“Promise?”
“Pinky promise.” she nodded and slung her pinky around his.
“Bye.” he whispered.
“Bye. And let me know when you’ve landed, yeah?”
“I will.”
And after another kiss she left the house.

She made it to the restaurant right on time but Tim was sitting at the table already. She made her way through the room until she reached him and he stood up when he saw her.
“Hey.” he breathed and kissed her cheek.
“Hi, I’m sorry you had to wait. And I’m sorry that my outfit is so casual but I was a bit distracted earlier.” she blushed.
“Oh?”
“Yeah.” she nodded and sat down on her chair.

She made it through dinner without thinking about Harry every second. She was actually able to let go for a bit and enjoy it. Tim was fun and made her laugh a lot which she really needed for a change.
She decided that she liked him, he worked hard and was very interested in all the things she brought for him and he was also relaxed and cool. And she would be lying if she said she didn’t find him attractive.
If she didn’t knew Harry, she thought, she might go out with him again. But she knew Harry, and was his girlfriend. And she knew that no one could ever compare.
When they left the restaurant Tim insisted to walk her to her car just to know she was safe. The still laughed and giggled and the atmosphere around them was light.
“I really enjoyed dinner with you, I really needed some fun.” she smiled at him when they reached her car.
“Anytime.”
And something about the was he looked at her and smiled should have let her know that they weren’t on the same page.
He leaned in and Y/N thought he’ll only kiss her cheek but when she felt his lips brush hers her eyes widened.

anonymous asked:

Hey I was wondering, I've been trying to draw this character made up, and he's supposed to have really dark skin and I'm not sure how to darken what I've done without making the shading impossible/disappear? Do you have any tips possibly or know anyone who could point me in the right direction?? Thanks x

Here is some helpful shading tutorials!

http://navate.deviantart.com/art/SKIN-a-tutorial-Part-2-145159387

In my experience with very dark skin it becomes more about the highlights. If you stick to classic toon shading (which is very common because it is the easiest, its just where you get a darker color and make that the shade) it can be difficult for dark skin because you cant go much darker. Instead you need to establish mid tones and highlights. 

Everything skin tone regardless of how dark or light it is has points where its lighter and where its darker. Look at references and see how light reflects on real life individuals, and then use the points of light to help you better define it

I am not the most experienced on this myself, so whenever it comes to dark skin characters  i rely heavily on references and studies. If anyone has something else to add please do, or correct me if there is a better way to have phrased it

anonymous asked:

Can you do what are the small things that band loves that you do on regular days? I need some of that simple fluff in my life

Aw, of course I can do it!


Murdoc Niccals: 

  • He loves it when you have to reach for something on a top shelf but you cant reach it so you end up asking him for help. 
  • Don’t come out of the shower with just a towel and robe on, he will think that you look so fucking cute. 
  • When the two of you are watching movies, he likes it when you latch on to him and put your head on his shoulder.
  • He likes it when you buy him food without telling him and surprise him with it at the studio. 

Stuart Pot (2D):

  • 2D loves it when you run your fingers through his hair. The way your hands feel against his scalp is heaven. 
  • He really likes it when the two of you don’t have any priorities and lay in bed all day, he lives for that.
  • He likes it when you ask him about his day and you listen intently, those moments are the ones he lives for. 
  • He also really likes it when you hang out with band, it assures him that you do really enjoy not only time with him but with everyone. 

Russel Hobbs: 

  • He really likes it when you play the drums with him. Or at least when you try, he kinda likes seeing you fail. 
  • He really loves seeing you in his clothes. It’s something that really can get him going if you know what I mean. 
  • He really likes seeing you go off on Murdoc when you defend yourself. It makes him smile really big. 
  • Russel loves it when you randomly give him bone crushing hugs. He lives for it. 

Noodle: 

  • She likes the mornings after. When you two are in bed and just looking into each other’s eyes. 
  • She likes it when you try to learn the guitar and using hers as a practice one, she’ll stare at you lovingly when you do it. 
  • She loves it when people try to flirt with her and you suddenly come up to them and get all overprotective. 
  • She also really likes it when you hang out with the band, she likes knowing that you get along with them very easily. 

anonymous asked:

how would i ask transmasc people what its like without making them uncomfy...? im transmasc but i cant transition for the next 3 years or so and i wanna know what T and all of that stuff is like.

Kii says:

So, I would definitely do your own research first, because if you’re looking for the physical changes brought on by T, you can find those on your own without asking people who probably get those questions a lot.

Then, make sure people know why you’re asking, because a trans person asking is very different than a cis person asking in this case. (”I want to take T in the future, so I was wondering….”) Also, make sure to be clear that they don’t have to answer any of your questions if they don’t want to, because a lot of transition stuff is personal and people might not want to talk about it. Posing a question in a discussion board-type website might also be a good idea, so people can answer only if they want to.

anonymous asked:

It really bothers my girlfriend that ive never slept with a man and that shes the first and only person ive *technically* had sex with. Shes so worried that I cant love her and know that i want her without having slept with a man (I consider myself bisexual, i find myself attracted to men sometimes). I assure her every day that shes my world and she cant seem to get out of this funk idk what to do

Theres not much that I can think of for you to do besides reassuring her, like you have been. You don’t need to sleep with someone to know your sexuality.

narcisupial replied to your post “i just dont get why people cant be into a ship in a Normal way like…….”

Sometimes you’ve got to just let your unaverage mormon fingers fly across the keyboard without second thought or a conscience. What’s so wrong in finding horrible situations hot op?? Why do you hate mentally ill people op uwu???

i,m ssobrry for  bbeing ableist again;st ,,, un average mormons wgho w,rite bad fanfics and think abuusivev sityations are hot i.ll be les,s a;bleist and atypicalmormonphobic next tim,e ;,,,,,,,,uwu

Okay buckle the fuck up because I’m pissed

Romani people exist okay? We exist, and we experience racism, and prejudice and fucking casual hatred and erasure and constant, never ending microaggressions and if you are a white activist I can almost guarantee you are not fucking helping.

Stop giving the total number of Holocaust victims as six million, it was nearly twice that. Better yet, just stop using the Holocaust as a rhetorical device in general if you’re not Jewish or Romani.

But okay fine you wanna talk about the Holocaust? Lets talk about the fucking Holocaust.

Did you know entire dialects of our language went extinct because everyone who spoke them was killed?

Did you know Romani children were the favorites of the Nazi scientists for experimentation because they were easily bribed with chocolate and toys? Josef Mengele (May he burn in every afterlife) sewed two four-year-old twin children together, back to back. Their names were Guido and Ida and their own mother had to kill them out of mercy.

Non-romani and non-Jewish people need to stop comparing what is happening to the Holocaust because guess what? You don’t understand our fear. You don’t understand how we’re feeling. I watched the fucking president sign an order to ban Muslim people from entering this country and now I cant stop having nightmares about brown triangles and fucking gas chambers.

and you do not know how this feels, you do not understand the visceral cultural memory that exists in ever Jewish and Romani person; I guarantee you do not get it.

In Mississippi you can still fine a Rom for moving to your county. Texas law refer to Prostitutes, Vagabonds and G*psies in the same breath and fines all of them $500 for existing in public. In Pennsylvania it is illegal to even be Romani without a license. A license to exist, a license to be allowed to be alive. And that’s just in the U.S, where I live. Romani children in Europe still go to segregated fucking schools

And I don’t have an Instagram anymore because I was sick of seeing white girls appropriate my culture and call themselves g*psies as if it wasn’t a slur, insisting that they just love my culture so much and yet none of them are willing to defend me against the Nazis who want to finish killing my people

I wonder if my survival will be predicated on how happy I can keep my racist white family. I wonder if they will be the ones who turn me in. I look at every white person around me insisting that we need to give Trump a chance and all can see is their backs turning on me when everything goes to shit.

I cant even go shopping without seeing t-shirt slapped with racial slurs, watching businesses being built atop my people graves, see our suffering reduced to an aesthetic, as if Romani aren’t still forcefully sterilized when they go to the hospital for cold medicine

Are you fucking listening? Do you understand what I’m telling you? I’m not a prop, im not an aesthetic, im not fucking Halloween costume, im a real actual person whose people are suffering I am so fucking sick of leftists and so-called activists who refuse to acknowledge that Romani people even exist, let alone try to, gods forbid, help us.

The only gadje I ever see defend Romani people are Jewish people. And that’s great, Jewish people thank you, but why are the only gadje who care about us getting murdered by Nazis the one’s who are also getting murdered by Nazis?

Stop talking about fucking “peaceful transitions of power” and “don’t fight hate with hate” and “if you punch Nazis you’re just as bad” stop fucking telling Jewish and Romani people they are just as bad as the monsters who fucking slaughtered millions of their people

Fucking hell I don’t even know what the point of this post is im just so fucking done with your shitty activism and your half-assed defenses and your “listen to both sides of the argument even if one side is LITERAL NAZIS” nonsense and your refusal to listen when people call you out on your bullshit im just done

TRADITIONAL ARTISTS LISTEN UP

OR ANY ARTIST THAT MAY DO TRAD ART AT SOME POINT

BC IVE SEEN THIS SHIT INFORMATION PERPETUATED ENOUGH TO GET ME PRETTY FUCKING HEATED

EVEN IN FUCKING ART SCHOOL I WAS TOLD LIES AND IM SURE YOU WERE TOO IF YOURE AN ADULT ARTIST SO PLS LISTEN

Keep reading

callout post for @jstor : why wont you let me sleep ? why is it that every time i search for something i feel the urge to spend 5 hours reading articles about things that i’m not even working on instead of going to bed ? why do i wake up in the middle of the night with a topic in mind like ‘hmmm i wonder if jstor has an article on that’ ? why cant i go a single day without visiting your cursed site ? pls help

you know what? i dont give a fucking damn how you perceive individual armys but when yall come for the whole lot of us AND bts as if we’re responsible for their behaviour then lmfao fuck you tbh

do you wanna know why armys are so sensitive?? its bc yall dont give us a break. we cant stan bts without yall breathing down our necks and making some of us feel guilty. and for what? for not stanning YOUR favs?? for not hyping up YOUR favs as if its OUR job???

when plagiarism accusations and hateful hashtag trends etc in a media where the ppl we stan can fucking see it even when they havent done shit, yall still think we’re just being sensitive?? when yall have accused them of being ab*sers, r*pists, plagiarisers, went for their mental illness, went for their eating disorders, went for their poverty etc etc and yall still think we can let that slide???

when another idol fucks up yet yall use our favs as a scapegoat??? yall just show that yall dont give a fucking damn abt the issue and only speak up on it to say “my favs are better than yours”

so when armys want to hype bts up bc we love them and want to support them and are proud of their success despite the odds being against them, its suddenly bad??? we’re being disrespectful??? when literally everyone else does the same for their favs???

idg how yall still think we arent allowed to be mad lmao

I wish that the stylization in this game let us see the difference in the characters body types more. Here’s a doodle of da boyz and how I like to see them.

-Our precious noodle boy protag. What’s not to love, he is exactly as noodly as the character model looks.

-Yusuke also noodle boy. So tall, so skinny. The most accurate starving artist physique (emphasis on starving)

-Ryuji precious boy. You’re supposed to be a runner but you are all guns and no legs. What are you doing child

-I am convinced that Goro is kind of huge under the cute face and preppy clothes. He cant be in any of the bath or beach scenes because he is too intimidating without a shirt on. Cyclist legs

I wonder if you ever felt like I abandoned you….  
If you ever thought I should have fought for you…

The truth of it is I never left.  
I’m still here.  
And I do fight for you - every single day.   
Not to win you…. not to trap you or cage you…  
But for your happiness.

I wage war on myself day in and day out for you.  
Tearing strips off myself, swallowing hatred and tears….  
So if you hate me because I abandoned you…. don’t worry…  
….. I hate myself for it too…
—  Ranata Suzuki

OFF THE CUFF HOMESTUCK THOUGHTS #3: THE SELF PILE DOESN’T STOP FROM GETTING TALLER OR: THE PROBLEM OF DEAD MARIOS

DISCLAIMER

IMPORTANT THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK

[CHECK THE TAG FOR MORE THOUGHTS]

So, a long-ass time ago, Rose and Dave had a conversation like this:

TT: After you go, what do you think will happen to me?
TT: Will I just cease to exist?
TG: i dont know
TG: i mean your whole timeline will
TG: maybe
TT: Maybe?
TT: Is there a chance it’ll continue to exist, and I’ll just be here alone forever?
TT: I’m not sure which outcome is more unsettling.
TG: the thing with time travel is
TG: you cant overthink it
TG: just roll with it and see what happens
TG: and above all try not to do anything retarded
TT: What do you think I should do?
TG: try going to sleep
TG: our dream selves kind of operate outside the normal time continuum i think
TG: so if part of you from this timelines going to persist thats probably the way to make it happen
TT: Ok.
TG: and hey you might even be able to help your past dream self wake up sooner without all that fuss you went through
TT: I think the true purpose of this game is to see how many qualifiers we can get to precede the word “self” and still understand what we’re talking about.

This is the most important sentence in Homestuck.

I am dead serious.

Well, OK, I mean, it’s pretty important for understanding some major Homestuck themes and shit or something like that.

Also, I totally should have said: Pre-Retcon Doomed Timeline Non-Dreamself Rose but ultimately about to become Dreamself Rose who semi-merged with Pre-Retcon Alpha Timeline Rose and Doomed Timeline Dave aka Davesprite AKA future Davepetasprite^2 or as we all call them around the office, Davepeta, had that conversation.

Maybe you begin to see what I’m going to talk about here.

One of the major frustrations a lot of people had with the retcon was that the characters we ended up with at the end weren’t the ones we’d come to love and know throughout the story. Was it even worth it, to lose the characters we loved to the tyranny of Game Over? The victorious kids, with the exception of John and Roxy, were other people, with other histories, other goals, and other choices.

Allow me to submit that that may be the whole point.

SBURB is cruel. We’ve known that for a long time. It’s cruel not as Caliborn is cruel, but as the cosmos is cruel, as a supernova is cruel. It wants what it wants, and doesn’t care about how that intersects with the needs of humanity. It wants to make universes through a complex game-playing method, and drags hapless, vulnerable adolescents along for the ride. And most of the time it doesn’t even succeed, leaving its champions to rot in a doomed timeline or similar! Skaia’s victory is an amoral creation myth where individual human beings are just the carved pieces on the chessboard. (I mean, the other ones. Not the carapacians.)

Again, let’s consider the theme of VIDEO GAMES vs. REAL LIFE.

Homestuck, let’s be real, is basically some postmodern horror timey-wimey Jumanji. For a generation way more familiar with pixels than cute little tokens It’s easy for teenagers and in fact, basically everyone, to fantasize about escaping their life and slipping into some game world forever, where they get to do awesome things and be a heroic person.

Homestuck makes that literal. Congratulations, everything you ever knew is dead. You will never see it again, except your internet friends, who turn out also to be your family and other important people. I mean, from a distance, SBURB sounds like an awesome game, right? You figure out who you are and get to wear a cool costume displaying that identity. You get to make anything you want and enjoy this hyperflexible mythology tailored to YOUR CHOICES. HS fans talk all the time about how cool it would be to play a real version of SBURB. That’s a big part of the appeal of SBURB fan adventures. They put you and your friends in the story. Or your favorite characters! It sounds like a fantasy come true.

The thing is, as fantastical as it is, it’s also really fucked up, and ultimately you and your friends are being used. By a giant frog to let it have its babies. By the universe. By a smug blue cloud thing that doesn’t care about you at all.

SBURB does not care about you at all.

The funny thing, SBURB features a mythology with so many layers and nuances and seemingly human motifs about growth and self that you might search for some grand ultimate meaning behind it, but it’s not even human enough to have a personality, to be something you can argue with or fight. It just is. It’s all the cruelty and power of a god without any of the dazzling personality. It’s empty. It just wants to make universes all day long, or fail trying. It is a great, weird tadpole-making machine that eats children.

One of the big ways it doesn’t care about you is its attitude toward the self. Humans and trolls and whatnot prefer not to be relentlessly duplicated. SBURB says, oh yeah, let’s make tons of copies of the player characters and use them for a lot of different purposes.

There’s the dreamself, an essential bifurcation of identity (you are now and were always the dream moon princex) that sometimes gets merged into god tier but sometimes doesn’t. There’s doomed timeline selves, who exist ultimately to augment an Alpha timeline whose Alphaness is decided very arbitrarily and frequently by Lord English. There’s the you who exists before a scratched session and the you who exists afterward, who are two different people but started as one baby in an act of ectobaby meteor duplication, your player self and your guardian self. Dead timeline yous fill up the dreambubbles made by the horrorterrors and get endlessly confused with each other. Any one of these could be the you experience being at any given moment, and which one it is entirely arbitrary. Don’t like being Dead Nepeta #47? Tough hoofbeast leavings, kiddo.

To top it all off, in Terezi: Remember, we learn that every single time we thought someone changed from one self to another, was resurrected or something like that, it was another act of duplication. For every time someone’s died, there’s another version of them waiting in the Dream Bubbles, surprised that they’re not the main character anymore. And we have no way of knowing which is which. Even John, good old everyman John, may or may not be the person who died three or four times. It’s really impossible to say whether we’ve been following the same person throughout our story, or just the illusion of the same person, like a horrifying cosmic flipbook.

The retcon is a return to this same theme. Ultimately, there’s very little new in the changes John makes to reality except that they drive the point home.

John’s friends all died. John and his friends won the game. These things are both true at the same time, except those things may not have happened to the same people. There was a happy ending. Hooray! For, um, some folks who may or may not be the ones we care about. In fact, it’s very confusing, because from Rose’s perspective, Roxy is dead but came back to life, and from Roxy’s perspective Rose is dead but came back to life, except also she came back to life as a weird tentacle catgirl of pure id and self –indulgence. So there’s that. Um. Which Rose are we rooting for again?

Or wait: is it none of them, because the first Rose died in a doomed timeline, hundreds of panels and a number of years ago?

There’s a tension here which one experiences between saying it’s okay because it’s still the same people, and saying it’s not okay, because it’s not the same people at all. This tension is exactly what we’re meant to wrestle with. To put it another way, Homestuck asks if identity can work in aggregate. Are all Johns John, all Roses Rose, and do they all share in what they accomplish? Or are the final victors only accidents created by the whims and needs of the frog baby machine?

What I’m saying, basically, is that the retcon, in the sense that it pointed out our confused relationship with these characters, was already here.

In interviews and questions put to him over the years, Hussie constantly compares HS and SBURB to other video games, particularly Mario, which he frequently returns to as a baseline of comparison that most of his readers will know. One answer, from a recent Hiveswap interview, is particularly revelatory. To the question of “Why do you kill off all your characters?” Hussie replies:

[…]HS is supposedly a story that is also a game. In games, the characters die all the time. How many times did you let Mario fall in the pit before he saved the princess? Who weeps for these Marios. In games your characters die, but you keep trying and trying and rebooting and resetting until finally they make it. When you play a game this process is all very impersonal. Once you finally win, when all is said and done those deaths didn’t “count”, only the linear path of the final victorious version of the character is considered “real”. Mario never actually died, did he? Except the omniscient player knows better. HS seems to combine all the meaningless deaths of a trial-and-error game journey with the way death is treated dramatically in other media, where unlike our oblivious Mario, the characters are aware and afraid of the many deaths they must experience before finally winning the game.

The big man hass the answer.

Homestuck is the story of those dead Marios.

Other works, like Undertale, have engaged with this topic as well. But one of the major differences between Undertale and Homestuck is that in Undertale, between “lives,” one’s consciousness is preserved. In Homestuck, it’s discontinuous, and the value of the overall trial-error process is called into question by the fact that you, the player, may not even get to experience the victory. What meaning does victory hold if that is the case?

So, to put it in a nice thesis format:

One of the central themes of Homestuck is the challenge of reconciling an arbitrary and destructive pattern of growth and victory with the death and suffering you experienced along the way. Homestuck asks: is victory worthwhile if you’re not you anymore? And would you be able to know?

What even is the self? Is there such a thing?

If you were left feeling somewhat disconcerted by our heroes’ tidy victory and departure to their cosmic prize, or by how which Rose gets the spotlight is so deeply, deeply arbitrary, there’s a good reason for that. You’re supposed to be.

The philosophical problem of Wacky Cat Rose is insignificant next to the bullshit of SBURB.

And don’t forget—John and Roxy’s denizens helped them achieve the retcon. Ultimately, the victory they achieved was mediated by the same amoral system of SBURB, and was a victory over an enemy, Caliborn, whose power was created, perpetuated, and ended by that same system.

Okay, so here’s where it gets contentious. There’s an argument to be made, which I’m not sure how I feel about, that some of the character development that could have been in post-retcon Act 6 was left out precisely to push this feeling and play up this tension. Note that this is not the same thing as saying that they were deliberately badly written, but that they’re deliberately written to make us uneasy.That Hussie deliberately played with the balance between making these retconned characters feel familiar and making them feel eerily different to leave us feeling uneasy with the result.

I’m not sure I like that idea. It smacks a little too much of that “everything is perfect” thinking that comes sometimes from the far Metastuck camp. Some of the differences may also be the result of flawed writing. (See: Jane and Jake’s character arcs, which I might talk about later.) And I want to be able to critique those flaws. Ultimately, I think we still needed more time and development to figure out who these new people were—even if our goal was ultimately to compare them to their earlier selves. And again, more conscious acknowledgement of the problem from our heroes—especially John, the linchpin in this last and biggest act of duplication—might have helped drive this theme home.

Still, I think the Problem of Dead Marios is one of the most fundamental questions of Homestuck, maybe THE biggest question. It’s essential to understand it to understand what Hussie’s doing—or attempting to do— in the retcon and the ending.

I don’t know that Homestuck offers us a clear answer to that question. There are some confusions around the issue, too. Where do merged selves fit in, exactly? Clearly they’re a big part of the discussion, because Hussie spends some time in Act 6, especially near the end bringing the identity-merging powers of the Sprites to the forefront. (See also: the identity-merged nightmare that is Lord English.)  Can we even come up with a clear answer to what it means when a dead Mario returns to life grotesquely fused with Toad? How does he beat the game? Does he tell himself that the princess is in another castle? Or what if he merges with Peach? Are they their own princess? How do they know if they’re in the right castle?

Um. Anyway—

Interestingly, it’s not all grotesque—spritesplosions suggest that personalities that are too different don’t stay together long, so a fusion might rely on some inherent compatibility between the two players. Erisol’s self-loathing, sure, but also Fefeta’s cheerfulness. Davepeta seems to be a way of bringing out the best in their players, a way of getting Davesprite past his angst and Nepeta past her fear. Honestly, I know a lot of people don’t like Davepeta as the ending of these two characters’ arcs, but I can’t help but love it. They’re the ultimate coolkid. Cool enough to know they don’t have to be cool. Regular Dave got there, too, of course. But was his retcon assist from John ultimately any different?

Then, of course, we come to Davepeta’s speech to Jade in one of the last few updates before Collide. Davepeta suggests that there is such a thing as an ultimate self beyond the many different selves one piles up throughout the cosmos. A set of principles that describes who you are that’s larger than any individual instance of you. Your inherent Mariohood. (Maybe this is comparable to your Classpect identity, which attempts to describe who you are?) Davepeta even tells Jade, strikingly, that one might learn to see beyond the barriers between selves. Be the ur-self, in practice, rather than theory. This would be incredible news for Jade, who wrestles with the issue of different selves perhaps more than any other character. (There’s a lot to say about Jade.)

Honestly, I wish this ur-self idea had been developed more, and I honestly expected it to be. It doesn’t fully come to fruition, I feel. (Same goes for Davepeta’s character. Ohhhh, ZING!) I’m not sure it entirely makes philosophical sense, especially with fusion—I mean, doesn’t Davepeta themself disprove it? Or at least complicate it? Like, are they part of the ur-Dave or the ur-Nepeta? They seem to imply they’re BOTH? Does that even work? Does that mean that Marieach is all the Peaches and Marios at once?

(In fact, Bowser/Peach/Mario are but the three manifestations of one eternal principle. Also, Bowser/Peach are the true power couple. Read my fanfiction plz.)

And what, say, of Dirk, who ultimately ends up rejecting aspects of his other selves? It feels like there’s a lot more you could say here, and I wonder if Hussie would have said more, if he’d had time. What’s weird is, none of our victorious kids never reach an ur-self (though to their descendants, they become archetypal to some degree), which one might have expected. They’re just individual selves who happened to get lucky. Does that make them representative of the whole? It feels like something’s missing here, or like something got dropped at the last minute.

Same goes for the idea of the Ultimate Riddle. You’d be forgiven for missing it, but there’s been this riddle in the background lore of SBURB that seems to have something to do with personal agency in this overwhelming, overarching system. Karkat called it predestination, saying something like “ANY HOPE YOU HAD OF DOING THINGS OTHERWISE WAS JUST A RUSE.” But others have interpreted it more positively. My favorite interpretation, from bladekindeyewear: the answer to the Riddle is that YOU shape the timeline through your existence, personality, and choices, even when it looks like it’s all predestination. Ultimately it’s your predestination, your set of events, based deeply on your nature, that you are creating. Someone like Caliborn can use his innate personality to achieve power; someone like John might be able to use it to achieve freedom.

I definitely expected something like that to be expressed more explicitly. Like, a big ah-ha moment that helps John or Jade or whoever understand how to escape Caliborn’s system. Something like that would have been very helpful for a lot of our heroes, actually, who’ve been pushed around by Skaia and SBURB together, in finding a cathartic ending.  Once again, I wonder if something was dropped or rushed because there wasn’t time to put it all in. There’s places where you can see hints of that Answer being implied, maybe? But it’s kind of ambiguous.

You can see how the Answer to the Ultimate Riddle ties into some of Davepeta’s ideas. If your personality, the rules of your behavior are a fundamental archetype that goes beyond each individual self, then the answer to whether it matters if one self of yours makes it through to victory is an emphatic YES. You are all of those people, and by winning one round with Skaia, you’ve won the whole game, despite all the arbitrary challenges and deaths it heaps upon you along the way.

This may strike some as too positive for Skaia’s brutality, or again, some way of excusing flaws in many characters’ arcs, or unfair things that happen to them. To be fair, I don’t know that Davepeta’s necessarily meant to be taken as authoritative or the voice of Hussie. They may simply be offering a purrspective.

Hussie not choosing to come right out and engage with the Ultimate Riddle leaves the question of Dead Marios and what they mean for the victorious versions of our cast very open. I like that in some ways—let the reader decide—but I can’t help but wish we had more to work with in making that decision. Plus, it might have brought the thematic messages of Homestuck all the way home to tie them more closely to our characters and their experiences—character development being one of the things most people found most lacking in the ending.

NEXT TIME: All that wacky gnostic stuff probably

Seventeen Reactions ~ One Of The Members Walking In While They’re Having Sex

Request: Can you please do a seventeen reaction to one of the members walking in on them have really rough sex ,I’m sorry 😂.(ps. I love your blog, your amazing 😘)

A/N: I’m back from the dead, I feel dead wow… anyway like sorry this is late @ the requester anyway hope u enjoy


S.Coups:

“Why cant anyone in this place learn how to knock, aigoo” *Shoos Jisoo out by throwing something nearby in his direction”

Woozi:

“Could you please politely fuck off Mingyu, thanks.” *Glares at Mingyu until he’s running out, most likely telling the other members what he witnessed.*

DK:

“Oh shit, we’ve been discovered…” *Slowly hides you both under the blankets*

The8:

*Literally has nothing to say but the other member knows he’s suddenly irritated that they stepped in on very intimate moment*

Originally posted by wonnhao

Wonwoo:

“Run along and play with your toys, Chan.” *just continues whether poor mind corrupted Lee Chan is still standing at the door or not*

Originally posted by mc-gyu

Hoshi:

“It’s not what it looks like, I’m just teaching y/n how to body roll in bed… now gtfo so I can continue without distractions”

“then why are you both naked?”

“wHAT DID I JUST SAY”

Joshua:

“CaNT TWO PEOPLE GET INTIMATE AROUND HERE?”

Mingyu:

“Care to Join, Wonu?” *Resting bitch face* “No? Okay then get fuck out.”

Seungkwan:

“Oh my god~ Can you not see I am busy.”

Jeonghan:

“Kim Mingyu I’m giving you 5 seconds to stop staring at my girlfriend and get out of here before I beat your perverted ass.”

Vernon:

“Bitch what the fuck do you need from me…”

Jun:

“What the fuck, first you take my lines then you take away my sex life… smh” 

Dino:

THIS BABY CHICKPEA IS TOO PURE FOR THE SEX DONT EVEN TRY TO IMAGINE IT BC JISOO WILL HOSE U DOWN WITH HOLY WATER

~ Admin Kai