Oh you think biphobia doesn’t exist?  Oh.  Okay that’s cute.

Because you know bisexuality, hell, multisexuality and all the identies that fall under that umbrella aren’t really a thing, we’re all either confused and straight or just afraid of coming out of closet.  Clearly we just don’t know our own minds, thankfully we have all of you to help us.  But until such a time as we finally (oh happy days!) ‘pick a side’ be careful not to date us, particularly you gay folks out there - odds are we’ll cheat on you, because you know we’re sluts right?  (I think those of  our merry band who have penis were responsible for passing aids on to all you wonderful heterosexuals, hmmmm).  I mean most of us girls are just saying we’re bi to amuse and arouse guys anyway.  If you happen to see someone on the street who claims to be bi, just take a look at their partner, that way you can work out what their sexuality really is.  And if you need help or they happen to be single, feel free to interrogate every multisexual identifying person you meet about their sexual history and find out just how attracted they are to what gender.  We don’t mind, honest.

None of us have any concept of the gender binary and non-binary genders (we may say we know, but we really don’t), good thing that there are people out there who are so eager to inform us!  Sometimes multiple times, helpfully ignoring our insistence that we are already aware of these issues. Of course, no one who falls out of the gender binary has a multisexual identity either.  That would be ridiculous.

Oh and we are are all transphobic bastards.  Just so you’re aware.

You can define multisexuality, bisexuality, pansexuality, polysexuality, omnisexuality in what ever way you want.  Of course you don’t need to take the time to ask the opinions of the people who actually use these labels.  After all, you the straight/gay/lesbian/asexual person know what we really are.  Alas, if only we would listen!

Don’t pay any attention to us when we talk about spending years confused by and then coming to terms with our sexuality.  Just feel free to dismiss or totally invalidate our experiences entirely.  Feel free to label us as cowards who just want straight privilege and again, don’t for the love god date us whatever you do.  If you make the grave mistake of starting a relationship with one of us, remember to be extra suspicious of us around EVERYONE.  Remember, we will fuck anything.  Also, feel free to ask for a threesome.

The lack of bi/pan/multi/poly/omni sexual story lines/role models on TV isn’t a problem; remember we don’t exist, so there’s no reason to detail our experiences in the media.  Those teenagers who have no fucking idea what’s going with their sexuality need no guidance whatsoever.  After all, they’re either confused or they don’t exist.  And if some appears on TV that appears to be attracted to multiple genders comfort yourselves with these thoughts; guys, if said character is a girl, congrats!  Her sexual identity is totally there to make you horny!  Hey, gay guys, don’t be too worried about that male character being bi, because unless they drop the story line, by the end of the season it will turn out that he is homosexual after all (those past relationships with women are of course, utterly meaningless).

If you deny that there isn’t prejudice and gross misunderstandings about bisexuality/pansexuality/etc, then I reserve the right to punch you in the face.  I have spent enough time dealing with the internalized biphobia society helpfully gave me, fuck if I’m taking it from other people.