i-can't-take-the-waiting

anonymous asked:

It's the ED anon. I feel so down & really losing hope. I just want to be the carefree girl I was 10 yrs ago, anorexia stole my whole teenage yrs. I've had BMI of ~14.5 for so many years, been to hospital/therapy everything & I WANT to be healthy & gain weight but Im SO scared. Especially that things won't get better when I do. I'm still having ~1400 cal which is a lot but always weak & exhausted. I'm so scared Ally. I can't take responsibility Im always waiting for others to tell me what to do😔

Hey lovely

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve lost so much of your life to this illness. You deserve to be that happy, carefree girl again, and I know that you absolutely can.

The disorder is still currently taking up place in your brain. You are currently not capable of producing logical thought, because by nature it is a self-destructive parasite that quite literally is trying to kill you. 1400 calories is not anywhere near “too much” or even “enough”. Eating disorder recovery recommendations aren’t just given to make you gain weight - they are essential and non-negotiable if you want to actually heal your mind and the damage done internally. 

Since you mentioned you’re waiting for someone else to tell you what to do, I’m going to do just that. You have two options that you can choose from: 

Option 1: You can continue to starve yourself, feel sad, isolated, maybe go back in and out of hospital, never get to live the life you were born to and probably die from complications of the disease (eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of mental illnesses).

Option 2: You decide that starving yourself, living as a skeleton, being constantly exhausted and weak, harming your body and ruining your life are no longer worth it - you decide to fight. You realise that you have so much to live for, and you choose not to give up. You get to smile, laugh, enjoy food, fall in love, see the world, have children someday if you want them, and feel so at home in your own skin.

3000 calories is the minimum you should be eating if you are serious about getting better. Calories are units of energy, and without them, your body and mind literally cannot heal. That’s like trying to force a car to drive when it has no petrol/gas - it’s physically impossible.

Find a specialist you have a good relationship with and will help you get better. Ease your way up to 3000 and then go from there. @ti-bacio has mentioned many times that some days she needed up to 5000 calories to satiate her body. You have been putting your body through this for ~10 years, which is hundreds of thousands of calories that it has been deprived of over time that you need to help make up for now. Look into the Maudsley Method, so that your parents can help prepare food for you rather than you having to worry about it. Like you said, this will help take that responsibility out of your hands in the initial stages while your brain is desperately starved for nutrients. 

Unfollow EVERY single model, fitness account, food account or triggering person you have on social media. Replace them with people like ‘bodyposipanda’ and a diverse range of beautiful, inspiring humans.

Tell your family and friends that you want to get better. They will help keep you accountable and take that responsibility away.

Throw away old clothes that fit your sick body but are not going to help you thrive in your healthy, beautiful, thriving one.


Here are some more steps and tips that can help you:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBmFvom3Qe8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9i-dJ2H8uM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rl6kh7x5igo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xw8uBCRRciQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEzoFFUFS1I

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Ri7aIWIi2E

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s21gxx9yIoA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JSvEpoyYVro 

http://maddiebailee.tumblr.com

http://fyoured.com


The decision now is up to you. 

You decide which option you want to pick.

You didn’t decide to get sick but you have to decide to get better.

You have to choose recovery - even if it scares you.

You have to deliberately let go, and say goodbye to the sickness. 

Follow the steps, keep pushing when it gets hard, and you WILL make it

Sending you all of my love, I cannot wait for you to look back and be so glad that you chose to say yes to life xx

  • Stiles: I can't take waiting around like this, you know? It's nerve-racking. My nerves are racked. They're severely racked. Racked.
  • Peter Hale: I could beat you unconscious and wake you when it's over.
All-American Rejects Sentence Starters
  • "I know this will be temporary."
  • "I can tell you that I've had enough."
  • "I can't take it."
  • "I've waited long enough to make it."
  • "If you're so strong you might as well just do it alone."
  • "I know that you've got something buried."
  • "I'll set you free."
  • "Won't you come back home?"
  • "You've got a lot to prove."
  • "I can't explain myself at all."
  • "Maybe it's best you leave me alone."
  • "It ends tonight."
  • "Now I'm on my own side, it's better than being on your side."
  • "You waste your days with thinking."
  • "Even when your hope is gone, move along just to make it through."
  • "You've lost yourself completely."
  • "Your hands are mine to hold."
  • "Speak to me."
In The Rain

I stared back at a pair of concerned eyes. The eyes of Xi.

The lump in my throat making it impossible to say anything, and my beating heart making it impossible to stay calm.

“I’m fucking pissed that you did that, and in front of my sister!
But what I don’t get is why are you crying?!“

The words were harsh and they stung.

“Who’s crying?…Its just rain”, my voice was rough and every word sounded forced, betraying me.

I ran a hand over my face, and taking any evidence along with it.

Forget the kiss, forget everything, I just don’t wanna be here right now…with him.

“It’s getting late, I need to head back”

“What?” Xi said, confused.

As I turned and began to walk away…

“Why is it always a joke to you?”

No…

"Why is something like that a joke to you?”

Don’t…

”…Why do you assume I don’t care?”

The last words were as soft as a breath but I heard them.

_______________________________________________________________________

Part 1 [x]