It's the ED anon. I feel so down & really losing hope. I just want to be the carefree girl I was 10 yrs ago, anorexia stole my whole teenage yrs. I've had BMI of ~14.5 for so many years, been to hospital/therapy everything & I WANT to be healthy & gain weight but Im SO scared. Especially that things won't get better when I do. I'm still having ~1400 cal which is a lot but always weak & exhausted. I'm so scared Ally. I can't take responsibility Im always waiting for others to tell me what to do😔
I’m so sorry to hear you’ve lost so much of your life to this illness. You deserve to be that happy, carefree girl again, and I know that you absolutely can.
The disorder is still currently taking up place in your brain. You are currently not capable of producing logical thought, because by nature it is a self-destructive parasite that quite literally is trying to kill you. 1400 calories is not anywhere near “too much” or even “enough”. Eating disorder recovery recommendations aren’t just given to make you gain weight - they are essential and non-negotiable if you want to actually heal your mind and the damage done internally.
Since you mentioned you’re waiting for someone else to tell you what to do, I’m going to do just that. You have two options that you can choose from:
Option 1: You can continue to starve yourself, feel sad, isolated, maybe go back in and out of hospital, never get to live the life you were born to and probably die from complications of the disease (eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of mental illnesses).
Option 2: You decide that starving yourself, living as a skeleton, being constantly exhausted and weak, harming your body and ruining your life are no longer worth it - you decide to fight. You realise that you have so much to live for, and you choose not to give up. You get to smile, laugh, enjoy food, fall in love, see the world, have children someday if you want them, and feel so at home in your own skin.
3000 calories is the minimum you should be eating if you are serious about getting better. Calories are units of energy, and without them, your body and mind literally cannot heal. That’s like trying to force a car to drive when it has no petrol/gas - it’s physically impossible.
Find a specialist you have a good relationship with and will help you get better. Ease your way up to 3000 and then go from there. @ti-bacio has mentioned many times that some days she needed up to 5000 calories to satiate her body. You have been putting your body through this for ~10 years, which is hundreds of thousands of calories that it has been deprived of over time that you need to help make up for now. Look into the Maudsley Method, so that your parents can help prepare food for you rather than you having to worry about it. Like you said, this will help take that responsibility out of your hands in the initial stages while your brain is desperately starved for nutrients.
Unfollow EVERY single model, fitness account, food account or triggering person you have on social media. Replace them with people like ‘bodyposipanda’ and a diverse range of beautiful, inspiring humans.
Tell your family and friends that you want to get better. They will help keep you accountable and take that responsibility away.
Throw away old clothes that fit your sick body but are not going to help you thrive in your healthy, beautiful, thriving one.
Here are some more steps and tips that can help you: