Summary ~ Dan normally skims over the emails trying to find new ones for his video, but yours intrigued him.
Word ~ 1278
Requested ~ Yes
I sat at my computer ready to look for some emails to put in my next Internet Support Group. I got the normal ones about loving your best friend, being obsessed with fictional boys, proposals and the occasional dick pic. I was looking through them when I stumbled upon an email titled ‘Fuck Off Mate’ I curiously clicked on it and started reading.
Hey Dan, I have a problem.
I love the internet it is great, before you click off I am not asking you for procrastination advice.
I was sitting in class looking at some internet videos when one of the girls in my class came over to me and sighed. She then continued to tell me that I would never get a guy if I was always on the internet. I laughed it off trying to ignore her but she kept pushing the conversation say, 'Do you ever wonder why no one wants to ask you out? It’s because no one knows who you are because you are never at any parties, you are too busy on the internet’ I told her to 'hop off my shit and that just because I’m not a slut doesn’t mean I have no sex life’ She seemed shocked by my answer and left me alone.
Then the next day I was sitting on my phone in I.T class when the same girl shouted to get everyone’s attention. She then turned on the projector showing my vine account. On my vine account I make edit s of Youtubers and celebrities with the occasional funny video and a cover. Everyone started laughing as she scrolled through my videos. I wasn’t upset because I knew that if I was putting up those videos publicly, they might be seen by people I know. I was more annoyed that she was trying to embarrass me when I have never done anything to her. I stood up asking why she felt the need to try and embarrass me even though she doesn’t know me, she simply shrugged saying it was fun. I was face to face with her now and my blood was boiling. She continued to say I was a loser just like these internet people which resulted in me slapping her. And because I have such good luck the teacher walked in just as I slapped her. Need less to say I was sent to the principals office, and was told I was suspended. My parents are furious with me and are threatening to take away with internet. I don’t even care about being suspended, how do I convince my parents to let me keep my Wifi?
I looked at the email taking it in before I burst out laughing. I didn’t want to wait til I filmed my video to answer her question. I opened a new email and started to reply to her.
Hey, It’s Dan Howell.
I have received your email and I must say I have never read anything like it. I understand how annoying 'popular’ people are. I appreciate you standing up for me and my fellow Youtubers, and I do not blame you for slapping her she sounds horrible. My favourite part of your email is that you don’t care about being suspended you only care about internet. You remind me of myself oddly. I wouldn’t have hit her because I am so timid, but if I had balls I would have done the exact same thing. As for the internet problem there is only one thing to do, lie. You have to tell your parents that it was a mistake, you don’t know what came over you, you might have to do some charity work just to prove how horrible you feel. I hope you get your internet.
Keep me updated on your story, or even tell me some of your other adventures by titling them 'Fuck Off Mate’ So I know it is you.
I filmed my video and got on with the rest of my day. It was late at night when I felt the urge to check my email again. I logged in and searched for an email from her. There was one. I didn’t hesitate to click on it ready for some fan-girling words and maybe her asking for a follow but it was completely different.
Firstly thank you for answering my email. I did lie to my parents and as a punishment I have to spend the next week with my nan, but she has internet because she is a badass. I am glad that you understand why I slapped her, everyone else seemed so bitchy about it telling me.
'It was unnecessary’
'I could be in big trouble’
'How will I explain this when I get a job’
To those questions I answer. 1: You were not there you, don’t understand how slappable her face looked in that moment.
2:I am in big trouble. It is to late for future tense you are telling me this while I get my stuff from my locker so that I can leave the school.
3: I don’t know much about applying for a job but I don’t think they get your records and if they do then they understand that I am a badass mofo and they should hire me straight away.
I unfortunately do not have any other stories as I am normally a very boring person. I just keep my head down and stay away from the assholes. I wish I did have more to tell you, because then we would email for longer. Thank you again for answering my email and giving me advice.
I read her email enjoying her sarcastic humour and genuine writing style. I wanted to continue our email conversations so I started writing. I told her that I really enjoyed her humour, and that I think that she is the first person that is on the same sarcastic level as me. I told her that any job would be lucky to have such and intelligent girl with a good slap. We emailed back and fourth all night and suddenly it was 6am. I enjoyed her comments on different things that were going on in the world. Around her 5th email I followed her on twitter so that we could DM, so that I didn’t have to keep checking and searching for a response. I DMed her again telling that I had to go to bed but I wanted to talk to her tomorrow.
The next day I DMed her a 2pm I waited for a reply. At 3pm I realized that she may have a life so I distracted myself with other things. At 7pm I couldn’t distract myself any-more so I checked my twitter again. I was happy to see that she had replied to me 20 minutes ago.
Hey Dan sorry I didn’t reply earlier I was in town getting a board game and some books, how was your day?
My day was very uneventful, what did you get?
I went to Orcs Nest to get the Tokaido game, then I went to the book shop to get A Work In Progress by Connor Franta and Girl Online by Zoe Sugg.
That’s cool, I didn’t know that Orcs Nest had other shops in other places.
Well I went to the same one as you so I don’t know if it has other shops in other places.
Wait you are in London.
Do you maybe want to meet up?
Seriously? That sounds awesome.
And that was the first day of the rest of my life.
Snapchat ~ crazey_jadey