i-am-experimenting

Chris Chow and Caitlin Farmer

Caitlin Farmer is on the volleyball team, and while many of her peers and colleagues think that she is beautiful, Caitlin always shrugs it off with a laugh, and thinks, ‘Oh. I’m nothing special.”

She wears shorts that are slightly longer than her teammates’ when they practice because she’s self conscious about her stretch marks, and the way her thighs jiggle when she jumps agile into the air like a feline, and lands powerful and resolute, like the slam of a mallet into the earth.

In front of the mirror, Caitlin Farmer squeezes the small amount of pudge on her belly, and although it’s just a small sheathe to her formidable core, she pulls her shirt down lower and shakes her head. Irritated.

Until one day, when Chris Chow kisses her gently, and brushes her hair out of her face. Chris Chow smiles gently, and she finds herself smiling along. 

She is reluctant. She is reluctant to show the pudge, and the marks, and the scars, and the imperfections that come with being Caitlin Farmer.

But there’s something about Chris Chow’s eyes, kind but intense, gentle but passionate, dark but shimmering.

She removes her armor, and she is vulnerable now.

But Chris Chow sees a goddess. A warrior. Chris Chow sees Caitlin Farmer.

“God, Caitie. You’re beautiful.”

—-

Chris Chow is on the hockey team, and while many of his peers and colleagues love to treat him like a little brother, too pure, and too innocent, Chris always shrugs it off with a laugh, and thinks, “Oh. They treat me special.”

He thinks twice when he beams for pictures because he’s self conscious about his braces, and how he thinks they make him look juvenile, even when his smile shines brighter than the sun, and could light up Samwell to be seen from miles away.

In front of the mirror, Chris Chow pinches his cheeks, and stares at his braces, and though sunshine beams from his smile, he pokes at his braces, and wishes he didn’t look so young sometimes. He walks away, annoyed.

Until one day, when Caitlin Farmer kisses him gently, and rests her hand against his cheek. She looks up at him, and smiles. He realizes he had been smiling all along.

He becomes aware of his braces, and closes his mouth, but there’s something in Caitlin’s smile and even more in her eyes; she is innocent and she is wild, her eyes are full of wonder and full of secrets, her smile is small and it is inviting.

He helps her remove her clothes, and he sees a goddess. He sees a warrior.

“God, Caitie,” he whispers, “You’re beautiful.”

She pulls him closer and he can hear the pride in her voice as she whispers in his ear.

“Only for my man.”

Breakups fucking suck. I’ve never felt so much pain in my whole life. Everything hurts, and I know it will continue to hurt for weeks, months, maybe even years (although I really hope not that long). But you know what? So many people go through this. Nearly everyone, eventually, goes through this. And they survive. And they end up being okay. Or at least, feeling much more at peace than this. So I think I can do it. I’ll be alright. It just takes time. With every moment of pain, comes moments of peace.

If we recognize that I am going to be anxious and sad, I am going to experience disappointment, I am going to feel just sort of “blah” some of the time — all of those are absolutely normal aspects of being human. Those feelings don’t mean you’ve failed at life. They don’t mean you’re immature. They simply mean you’re having a fairly normal human life. If we can accept distressing feelings for what they are — part of the normal flow of human emotion —then, paradoxically, we will be less distressed. Our distress comes not from experiencing those emotions, but from our reaction to them as being unacceptable or abnormal.
—  Randy J. Paterson (x)

anonymous asked:

What's going to happen to them once they get back? I'm concerned for them because even though certain things that happened are inexcusable I don't want it to ruin their careers after all the work they put into it. I'm new to the kpop world so I don't know how they handle these things

[IMPORTANT EDIT: I have learned that my information regarding the legality of Yugyeom drinking was incorrect. I sincerely apologize for spreading misinformation!! Also:

Korean fans, fansites, and news sites appear to be currently ignoring the pool party incident. ( x ) This means that GOT7 will hopefully not face a horrible backlash in Korea]

Hello, my dear. <3

I completely understand your concern. Honestly, it is very hard to say at this point what will happen to the boys when they get back because there hasn’t been a situation quite like this before where the boys were out of the country when the incident occurred. Being a 15 hour flight away from the company (at the very least) has put a delay on everything getting handled and dealt with, and it’s made tensions even higher. However, there are a few things that must be kept in mind that will play into how everything goes down. I just ask that everyone keep in mind that these are only my thoughts, opinions, and hypotheses based on my experience and research over time.

1) I’m going to say this plainly, and I know a lot of people might get offended, but Bambam saying the n-word is only the issue that it is in America and in some other parts of the Western world. For the Korean fans, Bambam’s bad decision is not going to be a huge issue. His mistake means more for the company than it does for the fans.

Now, this is not to say that it’s not a huge issue and that it doesn’t need to be addressed and addressed thoroughly, because it is a huge issue, but everyone needs to understand that the very first thing that they teach you in a basic Anthropology class is that the sense of ethnocentrism that we are raised with that gives us the idea that something that is commonplace in our culture should be common place everywhere, is wrong. Cultural difference means that something that is common, inescapable knowledge in one culture could never even be heard of in another culture. I mean, does everyone reading this know how horribly offensive and terrible it is to pass food between chopsticks for Japanese people? Not knowing doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you uninformed. It shows that you’re not from that culture. The same is true for Bambam, and let’s keep that in mind. Bambam is not a bad person, he is uneducated and misinformed.

2) Yugyeom’s drinking was a poor decision, but it was not illegal. This post goes into more detail on the ins and outs of that statement, but it’s important to understand that Yugyeom did not do anything legally wrong. (EDIT: Underaged drinking is illegal in California in all contexts.) However, it is the issue with Yugyeom that might cause the biggest issue for Korean fans

(UPDATE: Korean fans are ignoring the pool party scandal, so this is not proving to be an issue.)

Although South Korea has a very active drinking culture and Yugyeom is legally old enough to drink there, the Korean idol culture has a lot of rigorous standards for idols, and being seen looking drunk is definitely a big no-no. Even long-debuted groups like SHINee and even Super Junior with older members still get negative reactions when fans believe they’ve caught their idols drinking and let’s not even start on the standards for girl groups, and B1A4 can’t even include the world ‘alcohol’ in their music. As such, Yugyeom being caught on camera the way he was is going to be incredibly, horribly, and likely irreversibly damaging to his reputation and his career. For many Korean and other non-American/Western fans, Bambam’s inappropriate use of the n-word will likely be largely forgotten in time, but Yugyeom’s perfectly legal (EDIT: not legal in the state he was in) consumption of alcohol at a party could haunt him for years. 

3) The responsibility for the actions of Bambam and Yugyeom is going to fall heavily on Jaebum. 

Not only is he the leader, which is a role with heavy implications in Korean fan culture, but the two boys caught in this scandal are the maknaes, which means that Korean fans will see it as being even more the responsibility of the older members, and particularly the leader to have kept them in line and protected them. He as much as Yugyeom and possibly more than Bambam is likely going to be the victim of a lot of hate and aggression from the Korean fans and antis and he will also be held the most responsible by the company and probably JYP himself.

4) Most decisions made by the company are going to be made based on financial estimations and determinations

This is a hard point to acknowledge, but it needs to be considered. As hurt as everyone is and as much as people what justice for the very wrong actions that Bambam, Mark’s friends, and even Mark himself took, this is not actually going to be the primary concern of the company. The primary concern of the company is going to be making sure that they don’t lose too many fans and hence too much income. So what does this mean? The company is going to focus on soothing the hurt feelings and anger of the people who contribute the most to the group. While I expect JYP to definitely make sure that includes all the fans hurt by Bambam’s words, we have to remember points 1 and 2 and please do not blame the boys if they don’t make the statements that you are wanting and hoping for. Because this leads me to the final and most important thing to remember:

5) From this point on, the boys are no longer in control of what they are allowed to say or do. All of the communication from them, from their families, from their managers, staff, etc. is going to be monitored and controlled by JYPE as much as possible.

This is in order to minimize more damage and to give JYP the full control needed to deal with the situation in the way he decides is best. But everyone needs to understand that the boys literally cannot make statements right now. The company will not let them. I guarantee you that Bambam has been beating himself up at least as much as 90% of the people sending him hate for the last day and if he could apologize, we’d probably have about a million messages from him already. The silence on Bambam’s end and that parts of the other boys is not his decision. It is the company’s. There is also no telling how long the imposed silence will last. Someone screwed up in DAY6 and all the members lost their SNS privileges. We will have to wait and see what happens with GOT7.

I am far from an expert on Korean culture and the Korean entertainment industry and these are all just the things I expect from experience and research, but I can tell you that this situation is no longer in the hands of any of the members, and probably not their managers (honestly, I expect we’ll be seeing new managers next time we see the boys…). However, I don’t believe that this is going to end their careers. I think it has certainly damaged their reputation and has hindered their progress when they were finally starting to get somewhere, but BTS, MissA and MAMAMOO, as well as others, have had similar issues to the Bambam one, and there have been dozens of drinking scandals (including an underage one with EXO’s Baekhyun that he survived), and these groups have all managed to survive. I also don’t think that JYP is going to change anything regarding the JYP Nation concert, though the most likely change would be to give Yugyeom’s solo to someone else. However, I do think that there might be a delay on any further promotions while JYP waits for some of the dust of the storm to settle.

I also expect an apology, or multiple, from the company and possibly from the members themselves if JYP thinks that’s the right move to pull. However, whether Bambam and Yugyeom offer personal apologies or not, I beg everyone to keep in mind that it is not their call. I promise you that they are both incredibly sorry. This is the boy who felt guilty and terrible when he almost used an offensive sign during their LA concert, and the boy who cries when he thinks his group is fighting because of him. If all you want is for them to be sorry, you have it. I have no doubt that the most lasting consequence of this incident on the group will be the emotional scars and verbal abuse that will follow them forever.

So please, everyone, be patient as we wait for a statement and an apology, be understanding towards the boys, and please let’s stop the hate. They never meant any, and they’ve already been given enough.

10

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMES MASLOW (July 16, 1990)

“I think my biggest struggle was also, oddly enough, my biggest motivation. As crazy as it might seem I had a ton of people tell me that I couldn’t do this. Or wouldn’t do it. And I’m grateful because it was that kind of "eff you” to them that gave me the motivation to be like ‘you know what? I’m gonna do it even bigger and better than I thought I could because you told me I couldn’t.’ So any time somebody says you can’t do something or rolls their eyes or whatever, don’t get upset. Just go 'alright, I’m awake now, dawg! Let’s go! I’m gonna go back to work or whatever it is you do.’ That’s an energy you can’t replace with anything else.”

  • Kyouka:This is just getting a little personal.
  • Akutagawa:Right, new tactic. You finish the story or I put your head through the wall.
  • Atsushi:Okay, someone wasn't hugged enough as a child...
  • [Akutagawa glares at him]
  • Atsushi:Not that I was or anything...