i spent way too much time on it

I hope

I hope you know that I will remember you, but not for the pain or sadness but for the beautiful moments we shared.

I hope you will remember me for the same too.

I hope you feel like you have grown, as much as I, in the time we spent together. And in the way that we could, only when we were together.

I hope you realize that our journey was necessary; not a waste of time or effort. A necessary start, as is also a necessary end.

I hope you learned, from my mistakes, from your mistakes, from our mistakes.

I hope you come to understand that we were made for each other when we were, but we change in ways that may not always allow us to remain for each other– and although it is sad and difficult to adjust to– we understand is a part of life. And we see that we are better now than before.

I hope you could somehow accept what has happened and look at it with fondness, but not longing, because there will be better days ahead.

I hope you move forward with strength and purpose, and find that there is no void within you to be filled.


I hope you become happy.
I hope you forgive me.


I hope for the best. For me and for you.


—–


Hope may be a flimsy thing to hold on to.

But when all the problems around us seem to be beyond fixing, the hope that things will get better is the only comforting thought.

—-


I realize that I’m too selfish. I keep talking about what I hope for because its ideal. Its easy to imagine me getting what I want. Its simple and voicing it out is easy.

I wish you could get everything you hope for.

Well now that I’ve spent the first half of the day with a friend and finally setup my laptop – I’m finally online for the first time in weeks. Which is why I haven’t /actually/ posted awhile.

I’m going to start addressing some things in this post since I’ve pretty much been either 1) blocking/ignoring messages, and 2) been way too busy to bother dealing with the same-old anons on here in particular.

To be honest I haven’t received any anonymous messages in a very long time on here until the recent one which I ended up responding on my phone since I didn’t have internet at my apartment and it wasn’t until yesterday some technician guy came to get things installed.

I kind of predicted the moment Michelle/the person I’ve been in a relationship with started reblogging “breakup” posts, I’d end up getting some kind of assumptive message landing in my inbox. Lol and I was proven right because the bait is always taken.

If anything, I no longer talk about my relationship or “love life” in general (on Tumblr and some of my other social media) because it doesn’t matter to me anymore – meaning I have better things to do than keep strangers updated on what’s going on. I think in the past I used to care but now it’s just unimportant. I’ve seen some anons that Michelle received assuming that my lack of posting = lack of affection (lmfao?), or something must have happened to the relationship. And it’s like… who fucking cares? Really. My relationships and dating life is none of anyone’s business, in the end.

Anyway, here’s what happened lol. I’m not going to invest in every little detail but lately– I’ve come to accept right now at this time of my life I’m more attracted to men or those on the masculine spectrum. That doesn’t mean I have zero feelings for Michelle but it’s just something I can’t hide, so I discussed this with Michelle, and I also realized I kind of don’t really want to be in any type of romantic relationship at all maybe. Like I can’t force myself to feel romantic feelings (like idk butterflies is what most people commonly describe). When I brought this up to her, that’s when we both started freaking out, and Michelle began making reblogs on here thinking a breakup was happening. (And then somehow my tag on my post was taken out of fucking context and that’s when I got that same anon accusing me of being an emotional abuser when they have no damned idea both Michelle and I are aware we overreacted)

I couldn’t decide whether to permanently breakup, or just wait until April next year since she was intending to visit me (since her brother was going to buy a plane ticket for her).. with her visiting in April then I thought perhaps I could figure out my feelings and see if her being physically with me makes a difference. At the same time I knew this was a huge investment so I told her to think about it carefully because I don’t want her wasting her money to see me despite the fact she kept telling me she loves me, and would stay if I wanted to stay. So fast-forward and I’m freaking out the entire day on a day I was working and trying to message her during my breaks, and Michelle gave me an ultimatum I should just immediately breakup, or the other option. Well we both decided to just “breakup” temporarily, so I can see what it’s like being separated since I wouldn’t know and she thought it was a better idea than the other options, and agreed to give me more space if within two weeks I choose to have more space. It may sound silly to people but it’s actually really helping right now and we still plan on talking, and even if we broke up, we still plan on being friends.

Now… in regards to the person(s) continually griping about how I’m an abuser in this relationship for years on here since 2013 lmao:

I’ve addressed practically everything on here throughout the years honestly, so it’s really too bad some individuals think they need to educate me on what abuse is, or comment irrelevant junk. If anything I come to believe these so-called people or person doesn’t actually give a shit about Michelle. Not to mention Michelle also gets similar messages of her being accused of being an abuser (which makes no fucking sense because it’s untrue).

Like I understand back then on my old account I used to be fairly visible on this website (lol not really but lmao unfortunately I’m sure there’s a group of people who can’t stand most Tumblr users who are deemed “popular” because oh hey most are ~problematic~ , which is pretty true but good lord). And so, it’s not surprising to me that there are some people on here that dislike me but like scoping out everything I write, or analyzing word-for-word what I say. I’ve gotten really used to it considering there’s practically hate slander forums of Tumblr individuals on here on third-party websites, majority of them are true but at the same time I’ve seen some very childish and petty shit that does nothing but makes the person feel better about themselves for making empty insults.

Let’s start from the beginning– I can heavily admit I often like to publicize and be vocal about my relationships often in the past with majority of the people I’ve dated, and I was pretty immature at that age(s). I am the kind of person that never talks to anyone about my problems or relationship troubles, and internalizes almost everything.. so the internet was always my venting outlet. I’ve been venting my troubles away online even before Tumblr, really, and even during my most hardest moments back in 2011-2012 when I was being abused by my mother. Yes, sometimes I got carried away with how I feel during situations in relationships, but more than often I actually deleted and privated 90% of my thoughts.. this is the detail people obviously don’t know because they assume I’m a person who always thinks they’re right and doesn’t want to improve. I’m also very impulsive when it comes down to my emotions and feelings during times I’m highly anxious and paranoid out of my mind.

I already talked about this before too but it’s true a handful of my long-distance relationships I’ve shared on this site were with underage people.. I absolutely don’t excuse it today, but back then I was clueless about age gaps and power balance and never questioned it before. All those relationships were purely long-distance/through the internet though. A lot of the reason I strictly dated those younger than me was because the person who was my abusive ex-girlfriend is older than me, and I felt repulsed dating anyone older than me, and refused to (and still do) date anyone older than me. It’s weird logic but to me it makes sense because it’s blatantly, I guess what you can consider a trigger of some sort. I spent a lot of these relationships being paranoid, and at least one of them almost borderline being possessive because I was very insecure since most relationships in the past were with people who flirted with others. And considering my parents have a very dysfunctional relationship/marriage with each other, I grew up all my life having to see this and internalizing shit things, and often times my fear of my relationships turning out like my parent’s in any shape or form often manifested in all of mine.

I’m also pretty positive the time an anon(s) started paying attention to the way I behave online (and I’m assuming they were/are mutuals with me or Michelle) was the time I misunderstood completely what Michelle said when she was trying to reveal to me about her abusive ex-boyfriend (not the stalker, but the one who used to physically and emotionally abuse her). The time I was revealed this information I was very confused, and also when she received a barrage of hateful messages, basically victim-blaming her and saying she deserved to be sexually assaulted (yikes). As a result, and I know most people reading this don’t care or going to remember since it’s not like they know me or close with me– I ended up having a mental breakdown online basically cursing out Michelle and becoming unbearably angry to the point I couldn’t control myself. At this time was also when (and I’m really not trying to use mental-illness as any excuse here but more like giving part of an explanation) my Relationship OCD was at its worst, and I wasn’t even medicated on any medications at all or anything either – therefore I was very prone to letting myself be irritable and overly angry. And yes, I was aware of this and recognized this, and I always felt very bad about it, but I choose to never say sorry because I know apologies don’t mean shit if my actions don’t change. It’s all stuff I’ve talked to with Michelle before. I don’t need to keep my relationship updated on Tumblr of all places because what goes on between us is our personal business and not anyone else’s. I’ve even already gotten help about my relationship issues with my own psychiatrist and even close friends, and it was always very helpful because they never looked at it one-dimensionally and “took my side” (which is what I don’t want them to do). There are some people on Tumblr who can rightfully point out a behavior to me and privately discuss with me how they can help, and then there’s the folks like the anons both Michelle and I received that don’t make a fucking difference because all they do is gather “evidence” and that’s it.

I’m a person that really does give a shit about being better, making improvements, and I don’t need to be “showing” and proving this on the internet – which sadly a lot of these anon(s) think I need to do. The only people that need to be shown evident, positive change, is firstly myself – and then any partner I’m with, in this case it was Michelle. I’ve always been a person who can fess up to my own wrongdoings to myself and still be honest with others, and not once have I ever said I’m not without issues, not without toxic behaviors, etc.

Both her and I agree that our relationship is going fine, like.. Michi and I barely fight anymore. Before we decided to have space, we are actually quite happy and interact fine. We work a lot, she’s sick a lot of the time so our interactions were pretty minimal during those times, and we are busy getting our lives together – and  it’s just fucking odd and weird to receive a message still repeatedly saying the same shit “You’re an emotional abuser!” or “If you’re like this then I’m scared how you’re really like with her in private” like..???? How repetitive and obnoxiously clueless can people get anymore??? And firstly, someone assuming we brokeup because of her posts had lead another person to think they could take an opportunity to analyze and jab at a harmless tag I wrote that was taken out of context completely – I’m not against callouts and I understand where some people are coming from because they care especially on Tumblr when someone is being potentially abused, but neither Michi and I are abusers. We are both victims of abuse in the past from other people. Michi has been with an ex who has given her actual trauma, panic attacks, flashbacks, and triggers and certain behaviors she still suffers from lmao smfh some people on here seriously want to believe she’s traumatized and blinded by me when this isn’t even a fucking thing), and we both have our own toxic behaviors we’ve inflicted on each other, and we are both people trying to get a move on with our lives, and yet we’re both still bombarded with messages that don’t do jack shit. The only people in my inbox on here who have genuinely helped both of us are those who come off anon and offer thoughtful suggestions that are unbiased and not sugarcoated.

The only reason she doesn’t post often about herself or her thoughts is because she is literally always flooded with hateful anonymous messages on here saying the same things and almost anything she writes somehow provokes same people to make claims on anything. I answer and usually take the brunt of whatever messages I get because it really doesn’t affect me and do anything. I’ve offered to even go into her account because she’s sick of having to read the same shit constantly in her inbox. Lol if anything I’m not even sure why these people regard our relationship as special or so dead-focused on it, but I’m quite sure if such people really met us, they would understand they were only looking at it from their narrow angle. I no longer really speak about relationship-related things on here anymore, so it’s no surprise to me that some people think our relationship is secretly a wreck or I’m hiding shit or purposely spinning things my way, etcetera.  It’s like …Michelle and I basically have been talking every day and we interact privately like every other person does. It’s like – why do I seriously need to relay what’s happening online??? People here acting like despite all this I need to be admitting or fessing up to something or suffering some consequence and it’s like lmao okay I’m not even obligated to change for anyone but I’ve actually made tremendous changes throughout all this time and have listed quite a lot here and there about what kind of issues I need to work on, because I like reflective writing, I mean yeah sometimes it sounds like feel-good crap but still.

I honestly wish people would learn to mind their own fucking business and understand two people can take care of themselves. Even if we have “space” from each other right now, that doesn’t mean something is dangerously going on. We’re simply not speaking and giving each other healthy space. I can’t change the way people see me if they dislike me already and I really don’t care overall, but I don’t need to convey everything across online and I can’t get everything perfectly across either.

Watch on egfromthea.tumblr.com

This should have been uploaded a very long time ago, but I spent way too much time trying to convince myself I could make gifs in photoshop. This scene is a re-enactment of what I saw when me and my roommate Tae were watching some cooking show. There’s delicious pancakes being made, I look over, and Tae is staring at me, mouth agape, basically drooling for those pancakes. 

vine

“I spent way too much time on this”

Made with Vine

I like how unlike what they did with Rhino and that Transfrormers bullshit excuse of a costume (that much like Venom in 3 he spent a majority of time taking off to talk for some reason, seriously the fuck) Vulture’s costume is both classic and practical in today’s comic book movie… thing. I love it.

anonymous asked:

Since when does the Mun draw?

“She’s been drawing traditionally since 8th grade, but she got a tablet for her birthday last year, so now all of her free time is spent doodling in SAI rather than doing her homework.”

((Hey if I didn’t fuck around on my computer as much as I do, you wouldn’t exist you little shit.))

“I don’t exist anyway, you imbecile.”

((*sigh* ignoring him, I’ve been drawing for a little over two years.))

In our playgroup we have several people with milling decks. Once in a while they go hard-mode and try to beat 4 or 5 people in a single game. I thought that was enough of an idea to build a throne around it. I like the idea of some of the thrones having alternate win conditions. They make these Kings and Thrones games feel very different from one another. The original power of this throne was to cast a spell from each opponent. We found that to take up way too much time. To many decisions create too much thought, which equals to much time spent. I dialed the power down to a single random player because that went from taking tens of minutes to taking tens of seconds at most. The reduction in choices was the correct decision here.  

On an interesting note, because of the dark imagery in the picture, I created several horror themed realms to go along with this throne. 

4

Hi @taylorswift! Welcome back, we’ve missed you so much. Do you remember me? I’m the girl from Argentina you met on the 22th, by the way THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING SO NICE AND AWESOME AND FOR MAKING ME THE HAPPIEST PERSON ALIVE ON EARTH. The sign that me and my best friend aka @likeitwhenusleep hand painted came a long way since it left Flor’s house and spent time in mine. It visited New York for a few days, then Houston-Texas and finally, Austin-Texas. A lot of people at COTA told me they loved it, EVEN MISSY AND ALI FROM TAYLOR NATION, can you believe that? I hope you like it too! Sending you lots of love and hugs, your friend from Argentina, Belu❤️.

I don’t know if it’s depression or the hormones, but I had a stupid fight with my husband this morning and now I’m sitting here feeling like shit because we can’t really resolve it until he gets home from work

I don’t know if it’s the chronic fatigue or I’m just lazy, but I’ve spent way too much time not doing things lately, and I feel like a useless waste of space

I don’t know if it’s a symptom or a side effect or if I’m just bad at being human, but I feel so worthless right now

crystallisedrain replied to your video: this happened a few days ago, but my first McCree…

nice golden weapon! (and DAMN congrats on reaching Lv600)

thanks! I am a little over a third of the way to my next golden weapon (I’m gonna get Hanzo’s golden bow even tho I basically never play Hanzo in competitive lol)

and tbh the level 600 bit just means I have spent waaaaay too much time playing overwatch hahahaha

Going back to work brought back so much anxiety. Not only because I spent most of my time wondering weather my ex was cheating or not there (which he was), but now he works there too. Constant reminder of bad times.

I’ll calm down eventually, I know that, but rn work just makes me so uncomfortable. The simple feeling of being there.. the smell, the air.. the people.. it makes me sad and anxious. When he’s working.. jeeez I either wanna punch his sorry face or I have to work really hard to stay calm. Either way, work is no fun anymore. Need to make my workplace mine again. Can’t be like this for the next month.

*sigh* wish my bf was here. Just a hug and I’d feel sooo much better

I rarely write for my own mind, tired as it is, and slipping from my fingers like sand through an hourglass. I find beauty in the way the earth tilts and lilts and never lets us fall.  And I have few words to give but far too much time, and my feet still cling to the ground as if it hasn’t spent eternity moving out from beneath me. There’s dirt in my eyes but I can still see fine. The earth loves too deeply, and we don’t know when to let go.
—  Bottled thoughts from another lifetime #106