There was a homemade sign up on the wall of the cafe. One of those signs you can make with colored paper, a computer with lots of fonts, and a printer that does photographs. It announced he had died a few days ago in a small Carinthian town after a long illness. I looked at the picture and instantly recognized him. He always seemed to be in that cafe whenever I visited. One of those late middle aged men who look ill, smoke way too much, are unslovenly but not exactly dirty, and who flirt with whatever waitresses are on duty that day. They all know him and you can tell they half like him, half don’t. He was loud and when he spoke he often looked around to see if anyone in the cafe was listening to him. I saw him there so often that after a few years we tipped each other a nod when we’d make eye contact.
The last time I saw him wasn’t long ago. I remember because that afternoon he wore a spotless white suit, shirt, and a colorful tie. He looked like he was dressed for a cocktail party in the tropics somewhere. I’d never seen him dressed up and wondered what was going on. A few minutes later a woman came out of the toilet and sat down at his table. It was the first time I’d ever seen him with a woman and he emanated happiness. I wondered if she was his wife, girlfriend, friend… After a while they bustled out of there obviously on their way to some snappy event. The two waitresses working that day caught each others’ eyes and smiled. They were happy for him.
it’s a small gesture, but one that means a lot. at least coming from him. and it’s one that happened enough today that my best friend who somehow managed to not meet him all last semester when he and i were talking, instantly recognized him pretty much because of the fact that he kept looking over at me to the point where she and him made awkward eye contact.
but the thing is, this pisses me off! i’ve been hung up on him for so long and he seems to be the one dealing with lingering feelings? from what?! because he chose someone else!
why are boys so stupid?!!!!
i mean, well, it’s not like people all across the gender spectrum aren’t equally as stupid when it comes to this stuff (especially me), but uuuuuuuuuugh!!! it’s so frustrating!
I thought I would have been a lot more heart broken. But I soon realized the hurt I was feeling wasn’t my heart breaking. That was something I felt 2 years ago. That pain was excruciating, I would have recognize that pain instantly. But this one…this one was different. This one was a sorrow that kind of lingered throughout the day. I think when you lose a friend, it’s a different type of hurt. You’re not physically hurt like how a heart break would hurt. You’re emotionally hurt. You’re mourning a 5 year friendship that meant so much to you. This was the ONLY person who knew 110% of who I am and who I was as a person. My secrets, my daily thoughts, my everything…. This dude knew it all. As much as he knew me inside and out. I knew him more than he knew himself. I knew when his days are bad or when he’s in a good mood. All within 2 seconds of talking to him. I put my heart and soul into this person that I thought was just a fling in the beginning. I thought about giving up on him a month in because I didn’t want my feelings to get hurt. But I let those walls down for this damn fool. Which I guess makes me a fool too. It’s crazy to think we were basically one. There isn’t anything embarrassing we haven’t seen each other do. We’ve seen it all. I would be downplaying it if I said he wasn’t a huge impact on my life. Yes some negative shit but a lot of positive ways as well. He was always supportive of everything I did. I guess he did hold me back from my dreams and goals because I let myself get so wrapped up in a relationship that I was blind to realize that I was at a standstill. I never blamed him for holding me back. I take the blame in that. I was young and I LET him hold me back. I never want him to think he was the reason why I couldn’t progress in life. He pushed me to be who I am today. I am so thankful for that. I’m so proud of myself for maturing a lot since the beginning of the year. People tell me I’m much more calm and I don’t react to things like I use to. I use to let my reaction to things be so crazy. But I realized that a lot of things don’t need my reaction. I got over this friendship break up faster than I thought. It was scary how fast it was. It was barely a week before I dragged myself out of bed and started living. This whole breakup made me grow up very fast and realize that life is way to short to trip about something/someone who isn’t trippin’ over me. Yes we had a past, I thought it would be a lot harder for him since I thought I meant at least something to him. But then I put it into perspective that he doesn’t care for me like I cared for him. We weren’t on the same level. And it got me to think how we even got along in the first place. We were the complete opposite of each other. I’m loud, he’s mellow. I’m a verbal solver and he isn’t. I express my feelings, he doesn’t. Man God works in mysterious ways to put this guy into my life just to fuck me up and leave. But it was all a blessing because I LOOVEEEE where I am now. I never realized how amazing it was to be 100% single. Not have to worry about hurting anyones feelings because now I have no one to hold me back from doing what I always wanted to do. I spend a lot of my free time with people who love me and that’s all I could ever ask for. I know the people who fuck with me are genuine and have no drama attached to them. I know this year and 2016 is going to be my year. Ever since this break up I’ve worked my ass off to get a car, to get good grades, to finish up school. I’m excite to graduate this year and hopefully start a new life with my friend in LA.
Truly a blessing in disguise. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Yes I lost a good friend, but it’s easy for me to meet those who won’t judge me for me. I do a lot of stupid goofy things and I haven’t found any guy who has decided I was too much crazy for them. Girls on the other hand are vicious. So I just have to say goodluck. I molded him into a good guy and that’s all I can do for him. It’s in another girl’s hands to help finish molding him.
I see him out and I no longer feel any type of way. It’s a weird type of calm when I see him out. No anger, no sadness. Just calm and relaxation. Like I finally have all this weight off my shoulders. Sometimes I do wonder if he’s doing okay, if he’s happy, if he is doing well emotionally and physically. I always want to ask him; How is his dog lucky doing, does he miss me? lol How is his niece, does she still look like a doll? How’s his other niece who’s pregnant? How’s his mom, when was the last time she visit? Is he caught up on bills? How’s work? All these things I’m curious about but I have no right to ask. The past is the past. I hope he’s doing well. And I just want him to know this was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I couldn’t feel more free than I am now. I hope a year from now, we get coffee and catch up on our lives. That’s definitely something I would love to do to see where his life has been and make sure its going in the right direction. I think I will always care about him even when we’re no longer connected. He’s someone I will always look after, it’s just in my nature and who I am as a person. He’s said some harsh words but that would never take away what we shared previously. Who he is from the break up on is no longer someone I know. He doesn’t know who I am anymore, and I don’t know who he is anymore. I know I’ve grown for the better, I pray so for him as well. But I don’t really see it going anywhere for now. So I hope it does slowly start to get better for him. As long as he’s happy, I’m happy.
Day 3 Goverdhan, India
Wow, just wowed. Simply fantastic. What I’ve been waiting and dreaming for. This is it. After being tuktuked off to Goverdhan from Vrndavan by my native-born friend Radha Mohan and his friends, and making the 21 km parikram (circular walking path) around the holy hill and giving darshan to Radha and Shyama Kund (the 2 side by side ponds where the beloved couple Radha and Krishna bathed), this running from 10 pm to 3 am non-stop, and then sleeping on the roof of our friend’s girlfriend’s family’s guesthouse till 5:30 am…I found my long lost-to-me grandmother. So much joy and emotion melting into one roiling pot of love and deep affection when I turned my head to the left and instantly recognized her frail form in white head to toe, just like her pictures. Her eyes were my eyes, but because her eyesight is bad, she told me, standing in her doorstep, in Hindi to leave her alone and not bother her because she has paid rent. Then, I came closer and told her my name louder and clearer and she instantly changed into a smiling relative. Enough cannot be said of the strength of the bond of blood, whether it be a source of joy or irritation. After 20 years, we both have much to share, and from the start, she opened her mouth and so her heart, though I think with her, it is simply eternally open to her loving tormentor Krishna. One of my biggest accomplishments as her granddaughter so far is hearing her ask for food because her seeing me eat heartily in front of her made her want to eat kitri (lentil rice porridge). Mind you, she kept resisting eating because of some physical discomforts until then. Something about the curing salve of familial love and gathering should be said here. Thinking of extending my stay in Goverdhan as much as possible before I head out into the skirmishlands again. Oh, and did I tell you, she has one tooth and is the sweetest.
Today is the beginning on my new life. I am finally starting to do things for me and I am looking forward to reaping the rewards. For too long I have lived my life in the shadow of others, thinking that it will make me happy to do my best to please everyone, especially those most important to me. I have always been a strong-willed individual. Ambitious. Goal-driven. Strong in my beliefs. Confident in my ability to succeed in anything I set my mind to. But today marks the beginning of a new me, a better me, and the formation of who I truly am.
I have no goal with these posts or this blog. I don’t care about followers, reposts, likes, or anything else that this site seems to be so focused on. If you met me in person you would almost instantly recognize that I don’t care what society thinks, mostly because the society I live in seems to be so focused on all the wrong things: physical appearances, artificial relationships, fake personalities, instant gratification without putting in the work, unforgivable sluggishness, and a general lack of sophistication or admirable intelligence. The fact that today’s modern society has enabled these behaviors and values to become socially acceptable is beyond me. This is why I really don’t give a shit what it thinks. Besides, with the things I want to accomplish in life, I can’t afford to waste any time addressing or giving attention to things that don’t really matter, at least not to anyone who wants to live a truly fulfilling life.
As I previously said, there is no goal for these posts. The only reason I am even doing this is so I can have a reliable way to document and review my thoughts, experiences, ideas, goals, or just general bullshit that may come up in thought. But mostly, I am doing this for me. I’ve never been one to do diary entires, and in a way I guess that’s what these are, but if it allows me to get my thoughts out and to get me to where I need and want to be, then why the hell not? I live a very busy life, so I will do my best to compose posts as often as I can, but I will not let it be a hindrance under any circumstances. This is meant to help me, not hurt me.
Today was the first day of classes at my university, and as tiring as the day was (not to mention humid as fuck), it’s good to be back. I am looking forward to getting back into the swing of things and accomplishing more than any other school year I have had in the past. I am highly motivated and determined to succeed and overachieve in any and all cases and I am ready to be me again. Time is my most precious resource, and I have realized this over the course of the past year. It’s finally time that I start using it to my advantage as opposed to other’s.
I have to go to bed now, since I have an 8:00 class in the morning. Bright and early. Hopefully I will be able to walk to class without sweating my fucking nuts off like I did today. Good night.
The way tumblr changed how reblogs appear is actually really nice because I can now instantly sort through responses and recognize people by their icons. I actually like this change and it’s pretty much what I’ve wanted since I joined.
I think people are upset about the change because we’re so used to tumblr making unnecessary and stupid changes that it’s legitimately difficult to process the idea that they actually made a good change.
Seeing people who can draw the RWBY characters is so amazing to me like, I can be staring at a screencap an still not draw anything right and ya’ll can whip up a sketch of Ruby in .00025 seconds that I can instantly recognize as her.
Seriously god bless the fan artists you guys deserve all the love you can get.
“Find your passion.” “Pursue your purpose.” “What do YOU want to do when you grow up?”
College and young adulthood can become suffocatingly self-centered. You’re on your own for the first time, you’re pursuing your dreams. You get fed the above lines almost every day. Frankly, I’m sick of it. I’m going crazy from trying to figure out what I’m doing or where I’m going. There are much bigger issues in the world, multiple on my newsfeed every day: gay rights continuing to be disrespected, police violence, racial injustice. Why focus all of my energy on ME when there are much bigger issues in the universe? I can’t do this. Today at the end of yoga the teacher had us bring our hands up to our “third eye” for namaste: the light in me recognizes the light in you. I felt instantly connected to myself and my higher purpose. I felt like the universe/ God/ my “higher self”/ whatever you want to call it was saying to take the focus off me- to relax and live my life as I am intended to:
“Don’t lose sight, child. You have a purpose. But your purpose is not your own. Life not a self-centered life but a universe-centered life: a life-centered life. You and the universe are one in the same. Your actions influence each other. So live in light of that.” 🙌🏻
I love the colours you like to use, I instantly recognize your art style, I love the way you do lots of muscle definition on practically everyone you draw, I love the ships you draw and just what you draw in general. I always get really excited when I see Steven Universe stuff drawn by you because I 10000% know I'll enjoy it. It gives me similar feelings to when I watch the actual show. Your art gives me life and you're fucking awesome!
My heart pounds as I enter the coffee shop and scan the room for a familiar face. I instantly recognize his lanky frame as he sits in the back corner, his eyes set firmly on today’s copy of the Evening Standard. Ignoring the sickness in my stomach, I walk towards him. via Pocket
she seemed to instantly recognize me and did not look happy to see me. she was all smiley and everything until she saw me. thing is, how does she know? i don’t recall ever speaking to him in front of her, not that i was avoiding that scenario, it just never happened and i never made the moves on him when i realized he was seeing someone and that was almost as soon as it started happening so there was no overlap.
but i feel like her being threatened is a good sign. not to say he’ll leave her for me, it just makes me feel like what happened between me and him was real. not that it was much, but it was real.
it does actually make me mad that we didn’t end up together. there had been this pull between us for at least a year and when we were finally able to talk to each other outside of class, we really hit it off.
i know it’s mostly my fault because started to push him away by not talking as much, but i still feel like he chose the person who wouldn’t push him out of his comfort zone. he chose someone more like him, who is close to or inside his friend group and in general, probably takes less work to be with.
and that’s fine and dandy, but as i said in my last post on this topic, it sucks for me because in the end i ended up alone. as usual. tip: if you mess around with me, immediately after me, you’ll end up in a happy long term relationship. i’m just always the girl in passing and never the girl to keep. and it’s not that i’m desperate for a relationship, i don’t think i want one right now. but this has happened so often that it does feel hurtful that no one wants to stay with me.
Nathan sat a little ways away from the camp, glaring at his now bleeding hand, “Roza is going to kill me for this.” He sighed grabbing some bandage from the bag he always carried with him. He’d promised her that he’d come home to them with not a single wound. Luckily, Eric looked worse then he did. He was a bit surprised when someone started to approach the camp. Looking up it wasn’t someone he recognized, “Can I help you?” He was was almost surprised as he instantly slipped back into his normal voice after being on the con for so long, it was nice to hear the little bit of Israel again.
Do you think Regina or Zelena looks more like Cora? Mother-daughter resemblances are a strange thing on OUAT. Like Emma and Snow look a whole lot alike, but then you have other mother-daughter pairings like Maleficent and Lily, or Colette and Belle, who didn't look much alike. Oh, they shared a few features, but no one would instantly recognize them as being related.
I guess Regina? Neither Lana nor Bex bears a striking resemblance to Barbara Hershey in the way Emma and Snow do, but I’d say Lana’s facial features are way more similar than Bex’s. If you look at Regina’s parents you can believe that she’s their daughter. Zelena doesn’t really favor Cora - I guess you could say she takes after her father? Really it’s just the red/reddish hair that ties her to her mother.
I read that they wanted Bex and tailored the WWOW role for her. So I don’t think family resemblance was too high on the list when they cast her - and it’s likely they made the decision to bring OZ to the show and then decided on the infamous ouat “family connection” plot later.
DOn’t even get me started on the Lily thing. Did they know they wanted the adult actress first and then decided to include a young Lily that resembled Regina for queer baiting purposes - simply not givinging a fuck that she wouldn’t look anything like the adult version? Or did they cast that beautiful young latina actress and then whitewash the fuck out of her character because they wanted to hire Agnes and don’t care at all about representation or continuity? I don’t know and don’t really care anymore because either way it’s BULLSHIT. Worst casting fail ever.
Collette and Belle I had no problem with - looking at Belle’s father it’s a believable family. I don’t expect every set of family characters to be as exact as Emma/Snow because not all families have such a strong family resemblance. But you can’t just change a characters race and expect nobody to notice or complain.
In other news, I think I met the guy that I talked to on OkCupid unknowingly. I waited for Jess to get out of class so that we could have lunch with our friend Cassius, and on the way there, a guy passed me, and we made eye contact. I instantly recognized him, but he didn’t really seem to recognize me. I told Jess, and her response?
“Come on, walk faster!” She wanted to get a good look at the guy.
He was wearing a bright pink shirt and some tight pants, was shorter than I expected, but he was still really cute. He held the door open for us, and I held the door open for him when we went downstairs to the caf, but I’m not too sure whether or not he recognized me.
Maybe I’m just a catfish?
Oh! My outfit was cute though; I wore brown joggers with a navy button-down with a small palm tree print, navy sneakers, and my black and gold triangle earrings. I only had one small gripe about my outfit.
Three separate people, not including myself, wore the same shirt as I did, one of them being one of my friends! I had a small nagging feeling in my mind when I wore the shirt this morning, but I was like, “Oh, this shirt just makes more sense! It’s cute, has a small print on it, looks good with these joggers, and it’s thin enough for me to endure the heat!”
Well, maybe it was Murphy’s Law, maybe it was karma getting back at me for something small, or maybe Tia just wanted to laugh at my expense. Still, I looked pretty good yesterday, and I’m not afraid to admit that.
After heading into the cafeteria, Jess and I met up with Cassius and his friend Kevin. After talking for a while, some random person asked me if the seat next to me was taken.
I was puzzled especially considering the fact that there were a numerous amount of chairs that he could have taken, but I guess that he wanted to take the one next to me?
Well, I was more puzzled when he, in fact, didn’t take the chair to a separate table like I thought he would, but proceeded to sit next to me, and listen to our conversation without an introduction.
Jess and I shared a look, but proceeded with our conversation as usual. This guy just nodded and responded to our conversation as if he were part of our group.
Finally, when the four of us reached a natural pause in our conversation, he introduced himself as Trevor. I mean, better late than never, but then the conversation because rather rigid and kind of forced. He asked questions at odd times, like what our majors were while we were talking about our summers, or where we were from while we were talking about romance and guys that we (more like I) had met.
However, it was a little better when I started talking about theatre. He asked if there were any theatre stuff to do on campus, to which I gave him audition information, and was glad to hear another guy was interested in the theatre. Despite him saying things like, “Oh, I’ve only done one show,” or, “But I probably suck,” I really urged him to do the auditions because I felt like I was in the same boat when I started doing theatre. I had only done one show, whereas all these other students did a ton of shows in high school. But after they saw me act and sing, some people just couldn’t believe it. So I basically told him to seize the opportunity, and sent him on his merry way.
Nonetheless, Trevor was still a bit of a cashew nut. That, and he only had two hard boiled eggs for lunch.
After Cassius and Kevin left, Jess and I encountered Jed and Lynn, and we then proceeded to talk while the two ate. I proceeded to tell them that Rogelle and I broke up, and yadda yadda yadda. Sometime after Jess left for class, I was talking to Lynn and Jed when someone caught my attention by waving. I focused my eyes behind Lynn, and saw Shaw waving at me.
It was kind of odd considering that Shaw and don’t really… talk? But it was nice to see him because I generally like the guy, and he’s never really done anything to me personally. It was just mildly awkward considering that he isn’t really on the best terms with Lynn and Jed. And those were literally the two people that I was with. He said hi to me (aptly ignoring the other two) and we chit-chatted for a while asking how our summers were, me telling him that I broke up with Rogelle, him being sorry to hear that, etc. It was weird. I dunno, like I said, he and I never really talked much and it was kind of weird that he made somewhat of a big deal trying to talk to me. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I would hate for him to have used me just to show his face to Lynn and Jed.
Anyway, after that, Lynn, Jed and I talked for a while, and Jed asked me if I’ve been working out because it appears that I lost weight. I was actually really surprised to hear him ask that. It was really strange considering that I thought that I gained weight over the break, especially with the grad parties, the eating out I did with friends, the road trip to San Francisco, and the cruise.
I just. Wow, I really didn’t know what to say except for the fact that I had indeed started working out more over the summer. I dunno, it was really nice to see that people noticed that I was putting in the effort, and it sort of made me feel more like working out was worthwhile.
I’ve still got a long way to go though before I can comfortably take my shirt off at the beach or anything like that, but hey, every little baby step counts! I worked out in a public space today, and though I was a little uncomfortable at times, it was nice to work out with one of my friends, and zone out the rest of the world around us. So I’ll definitely get where I need to be eventually.