This hurts, I just wanted you to love me. Like you did the first month. I didn’t mean what I said to him. I don’t love anyone but you. You know this. Be mad, you have every right. But you know you robbed me of love life and happiness. I’ve been waiting for you to be you again for way longer than either of us will admit, I never felt the air in my lungs or the blood in my veins until you touched me, with your lips, hands, heart, body, mind, and soul. I can’t say I love and miss you anymore and all the shit you say to me anymore does nothing but hurt, you’ve pushed me away since Colorado, where you wanted to be to make our start. I was more than you’re perfect girlfriend, you may not have had the perfect life but you had everything I could give when I had nothing. It hasn’t ever been enough, but don’t worry I haven’t been enough for the people closest to me either, like family, so why in the fuck did I expect to really be something that made you proud of who you are. I beat myself up every day, especially since you’ve grown cold, I am becoming heartless. I am becoming less. I feel less. See less, pray less. You know me, the real me. You’ll be the first last and only. I’m sorry I did this to us. I’m sorry I made you not feel like I’m worth giving back the magic I gave you, I’m sorry I made you loose faith, I’m sorry I made you loose trust. But I fought every day since Colorado and didn’t stop even still, I had a lapse that I’ll never forgive myself for so you don’t have to worry about hating me, but I fought, to ring you back, you never cane back, instead you pushed me away when you couldn’t push yourself farther away, I’d take everything you didn’t t like back. Even myself if that’s the case.
Today I wish that I was never born, to grow up without a father, to be abused by a mother and her conquests, to have my first girl hang herself, to being told I was unlovable and worthless every day, to being locked in my room so they didn’t have to deal with me, to face the fact that no one was gonna love me the way we’re all suppose to be, to realizing I couldn’t even love myself because I wasn’t taught or shown how to do this, I grew up on my own, I raised myself. Not that I cane out perfect, but I was close to it for you. No one will love you like I can. I lied to him, not you. I ruined my life, and now you don’t do or act like you want this. And you haven’t since before we moved again. Its my fault. All of it. I don’t Blame you for anything. She was right, I am worthless and unlovable. Thank you mother, for setting the bar for every other person to do this, especially her. I’m sorry I wasn’t a good enough daughter, friend or lover. But jac, you have been the most memorable part of my life.from the bottom of my heart I’m sorry. I can’t make you love me or show it if you dont, and you couldn’t make your heart feel something if It won’t. I don’t know what to do with myself. I am my own destruction, I wasn’t put here to enjoy or receive the things a normal person does, I will stop living with the idea that I deserve these things or that its owed to me. Take away your love after a fire In Our hearts, and you really give me nothing left to loose.