I wrote an 8 page letter tonight and i was like ‘wow this explains it all’ I can tell the world whats happening. Tell my parents how depression feels. Tell them how I need Islam and God. But then my mum comes in and asks questions she doesn’t want to hear the answer to. She still wants to pretend that this is some teenage stage and I’ll get over it. But I’ve been living like this for so long i don’t know what normal is.
I can barely breathe. I want to go home, but i don’t know where that is. I think of suicide so often my wrists ache from ghosts. In year 8 this whole thing started, and it was gonna end the year after but it didn’t. Cause He saved me.
And i keep thinking, baby you can wait another two years. Baby its only a year til you get a licence. One and a half now. One and a half til it all ends.
But i’ve been living in limbo. Everything i write lately has been a suicide note. To the little Louisas. To my friends. To the world. To mum and dad.
Im so ready for it to finish sometimes. To burn forever. Cause i spend more time choking on tears than smiling and ive always been a smiler. No one can say i haven’t been a good daughter. Cause i have been. The very best apart from all this. Ive been the sister mother to my siblings. The daughter confidant to my mother. The daughter who my father can talk to and do things with. The friend who was always there and always gave and gave. Ugly but kind.
Ive been good. Or i swear, ive been trying. But i feel so tired. So so so tired. I just want it to end so badly now.