"Ugh. Darwin was right. I didn't realize I was working with a bunch of lemmings."
"I should think less like a human being that uses doors, and more like a... squirrel that has anger problems."
"It's like the classic debate of why measuring the position of an electron changes its momentum and vice-versa. The only correct answer is to get drunk and set fire to things."
"Since this morning, I've been bitten, shot, bombed, electrocuted, almost drowned, almost fallen to my death, and strangled. Rasputin wasn't so lucky."
"I HAVE TO BLOW EVERYTHING UP. IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO PROVE THAT I'M NOT CRAZY."
"You can never prove the absence of ninjas, only their direct presence."
"What was that Nietzsche said? 'He who fights drummers should see to it that in the process he does not himself become a drummer'? [...] I wonder if Nietzsche was in a band. I bet he was. I should look him up when I get out of here. I bet the songs have pretty deep lyrics."
"Friends are like weeds that scream."
"It looks like an anemometer, but it is not. Anemometers don't fire bullets. Not even the expensive ones. Or I don't think they do. If they do, meteorologists are more hardcore than I thought."
"So yeah, I'm killing people now. But that was NOT murder. That was TOTALLY self-defense. Just because I have a sub-machine gun doesn't change anything."
"I do belong in a pedestal, but metaphorically, God damn it!"