I just love how people (yes, women included) love to call out/assume that you’re PMSing when you get moody…congrats, you can tell, don’t you think yo calling it out would make the person more irritated? No, because you don’t fucking think
so like…. I’ve done a lot of thinking over the last few days and I think I’m ready to say that I’m gay. I’ve identified as bi for years now but it just doesn’t feel like it fits anymore (and I wonder if it ever truly did) and tbh I’m just a bit emotional right now thinking back to when I was younger and had crushes on girls and I was so so hard on myself and tried to talk myself out of it but I think I’m ready to accept who I am now and I’m just really relieved!!
There are things he does – little things, things he does not notice in the process of them. If pressed, he can’t name them, but some things just connect. They make sense in a way he cannot describe, but if asked he might say they go together: collared shirts in muted gray, hunched shoulders, lips pressed into a thin line. They aren’t unhappy things, or conscious choices. Just moments tumbling together.
Spring is just starting to chase away the clinging, lingering ghosts of winter. A few brave buds are beginning to stir, waking from slumber with little spots of pink and green pushing away the last icicles on the trees with their spreading growth. Kureno watches them through the window, and he also watches as two small, round sparrows flutter to a stop, causing ice to drop when feet meet branch. Part of him wants to make a face, but he doesn’t know what kind, so instead he sits and looks.
❛ No way! There’s no way you have enough! ❜
He’s been paying attention to the voices behind him, so they don’t catch him by surprise. But the volume of Kasai’s exclamation draws his attention, wide eyes fixed on the little group currently sprawled across hastily pushed together desks. They’re all elementary schoolers, none of them older than ten, but Kureno feels the barest flutter of his lips upwards as he watches the group. Kasai has his palms flat on his desk, humorous disbelief coloring every word and very clearly elucidating what he doesn’t say – that’s so cool! prove me wrong!
Nishida has his arms crossed against his chest, sporting the proudest smirk he can mange. It looks a little out of place, and Kureno wants to laugh in fondness when he says, ❛ I do! I saved every day for a month! I’m going to buy it! ❜
❛ Do you really need it? ❜ Sasaki asks, tilting her head to the side. But even her quiet, careful words are edged with excitement that glimmers – that wakes carefully, and spreads pink and green. Her voice is warmer than the last of winter’s chill.
❛ Do you think I’d lie? Please! ❜ Nishida laughs, and though Saski and Kasai look ready to argue, the humor is infectious. They succumb to their giggles. Kureno feels them too, building up in his chest, tickling the path of his throat, threatening to make it past the vice of his drawn together lips.
❛ We should go, then, ❜ Sasaki says pragmatically, swinging right off her chair and standing – tall for her age, holding herself high, trying and failing to hide the spring in her step. ❛ Or we won’t have any time. ❜
Kasai follows suit, jumping upright and swinging his arms into a victory pose that threatens to knock him off balance. ❛ This is going to be so cool! ❜
Nishida leads the little group to the back of the classroom and out the door, and something shifts, unlodges, drops in the pit of Kureno’s stomach. For a moment he watches them in mute horror, bewildered – hey, hey where are you going? Why are you leaving? Did you – aren’t you going to?
There are things he does, like noticing. He knows that Sasaki wears her hair down on days when something is wrong and she is sad. Nishida can’t control his face when he’s about to tell a joke. Kasai shares his good news every time and lights up when he sees someone smile.
Kureno’s shirts are in colors that look faded when purchased new. He stifles his laughter, and swallows his questions. He looks and notices, and tries to learn everything about his friends so that he knows what they need. He doesn’t speak up when they walk out the door, and forget that he is still sitting there.
He feels something in response. Something he does not like that is hot and bitter and also cold all at once – it sits in his stomach as he watches the other students file out of the classroom, in pairs and groups. Behind him, he hears the sparrow-couple chirp to each other.
okay my eyes are legit closing and i have to be up in less than 5 hours for work tomorrow (lol that’s gonna be fun) but GOD i needed to write mike so badly and i only realized now but it felt so good while it lasted so hopefully i’ll find enough time to drop by again tomorrow!!!! it’s gonna be a busy af day because i work in the morning and then it’s my parents’ day off so they’ll probably want to do some ~family shit~ so yeah. if i do return that’ll be after dinner but let’s just keep hoping!!!!
how’s everybody though? I LOVE YOU <3
ps: my baby aka @saintstorms is graduating from college tomorrow so!!!!! you need to!!!!!! send her all the good vibes and nice messages and calm downs you can send her because she’ll be needing them!!! do it for me????