i'm-going-to-dinner-now

So apparently I have until “winter” to stay on my boss’s property, and then she said September, so apparently September is now winter in the pacific northwest, lol. 

Either way, I still need to find a place to put my trailer in a few months. BUT that means that wherever I go will most likely have better internet connection than here, so I’ll only have to make do with this spotty shit for a few months. 

On the down side…… If I can’t find an affordable place by September, I’ll probably end up selling the trailer and moving AGAIN, but I really don’t want to do that. I don’t want to end up back in Florida, but my other options are moving to cities where I actually have friends that could put me and my cat up for the time it takes to find a new job and get my own place… and that’s just… not a good scenario either because I’d be moving AWAY from Washington and if I have to do that again I can envision mental breakdowns happening every other day lolololol 

okay y’all wish me luck on the hunt \o/ I’m having an awful lot of ups and downs but even with all this doomsday bullshit looming over me, I’m in the pacific northwest, I’m in my beloved Washington state, smelling my Douglas Firs and Western Redcedar and listening to my Swainson’s Thrushes and Glaucous-Winged Gulls. I’m at least in the vicinity of where I know I belong, and that my friends is a Good Thing. 

I’ve been craving cheese pizza for days now (those following along at home are not surprised) but I haven’t said a word or let on at all, because as much as I want it, I’ve been too afraid to let myself have it. My mom just came upstairs a few minutes ago and said “what about Papa Johns for dinner?” The exact pizza I’ve been craving, too. The voices in my head told me not to do it, but I’m taking it as a sign. The universe (or, you know, my mom) is telling me I need to honor my body, my cravings, and my hunger even when I haven’t exercised in two days. So we’re doing pizza for dinner.

quiet reminder to myself that I am an introvert (+ social anxiety which is a great combination) and being around people I don’t know is very draining to me.  which means that even if everything goes well and people are very kind and friendly, it is still normal to feel super exhausted and a little bit stressed after a day of professional development with strangers.  feeling this way doesn’t mean anything’s wrong, and it’s not how being at that school is going to feel all next year.

that post insurance reblogged reminds me of when my one friend didn’t talk to me at all for over a week and completely avoided me because she thought I liked her, and another friend got completely weirded out because I was making her uncomfortable (I did stop because I don’t want to make people uncomfortable but now because I’m paranoid about making people uncomfortable I want to just avoid touching people all together but my problem with that is that I’m the kind of person who craves physical attention but I don’t get a chance to get that) and the only reason I was making her uncomfortable was solely on the fact that I’m gay, her straight friends did the same thing, so I assumed that she was fine with contact. i assumed wrongly.
It also reminds me of when I was pretty much being “attacked” by three friends and they were saying stuff like “being a lesbian just doesn’t have drawbacks” and “it’s actually easier than being straight” come back to me when you have a fear of your family disowning you for your sexuality. Come back to me when you don’t have adoption or marriage rights in every state. Come back to me when you can get jailed for bent gay. Come back to me when you have to hide your significant other from you family because of their gender. Come back to me when your own parents don’t accept your sexuality and say shit like “it’s just a phase” “boys are better anyway” “it’ll be better with a boy”

i may or may not be crying in frustration right now

au where leo is dead a lot longer than he thought he was and it’s been years and years and years and all his friends are like in their sixties (if they’ve even made it that far like it’s not as though being a demigod is a safe life) and he’s still the same teenager was the day he died :) imagine the culture shock. imagine everyone’s reaction’s to him coming back :) i’m in pain