i'm supposed to be exercising right now

I don’t actually post much about myself, but I guess this is my blog. Panic attacks are scary. You’re just laying there trying to fall asleep and then you’re suddenly it feels like your chest is about to catch on fire. Mine are primarily physical symptoms that tend to very closely mimic those of a heart attack. Which I’m not having, but in the moment you’re not thinking right and you have to convince yourself that you’re not actually dying. It’s a chore. I’ve gotten so that I can recognize when it’s starting and with deep breathing pretty much keep it from getting worse, but the feeling kind of lingers for awhile, lurking and just waiting for you to stop concentrating on breathing.

I don’t know what I’m worrying about right now. Usually it’s my health. I have an irrational fear that when I get sick I’m going to be really sick, when in fact I’m in quite good health and in the care of some very skilled health care professionals. My asthma flared up a bit in the past few days, but that’s controllable. Am I worrying about school? I don’t know. There is some uncertainty about what I’ll be doing for the summer session, but I should be happy because I ended the 2nd semester with 4 As. Really that’s something I should be proud of. Getting straight As in grad school is nothing to scoff at. Maybe I’m worried about working after I finish school. I definitely am nervous about getting a job and then being on my own more or less, but that’s still a ways off. Maybe I’m worrying about being alone and not feeling wanted. I never dated anyone seriously in university and I feel like I really messed up there and don’t really know what to do now. I’m shy in person and make friends very slowly. Online I’m outgoing and strike up conversations with people all the time, but in person I don’t know what to do. I’m scared I’ll be alone and not wanted. I know this is irrational because it’s not true, but I worry about it.

I guess by writing this all down it helps me figure out what I’m panicking about. Maybe this helps someone else too.

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Shadowhunters meme
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