i'm such a forever alone

My life feels like a badly written fan fiction with a good plot: it’s so awful and full of mistakes that I just don’t wanna go on, but I do want to know what happens next and how it ends.
—  Thoughts I’ll never speak out loud.
It’s strange but in a weird way, I miss my darkness… you know what I mean, the indifferent sadness that you resign yourself to when you’re completely and totally hopeless, when you no longer see a reason to try anymore so you kinda just shuffle along day after day, when nothing really matters because you don’t plan on living for much longer. Things that once ate away at you no long strike fear or anxiety into your heart cause “once I’m dead none of it’ll matter.” I’m told it’s fucked up to say because “Some people are dying to feel any other way! HOW DARE YOU WANT THAT BACK!!” Look at it from my point of view: when I didn’t have any purpose or motivation to exist, there was no stress about work, or school, or anything else; every problem just slipped away with my will to live. I could simply sink down into the darkness and embrace the silence. It’s different now that I’ve been “trying"again… It’s so much harder than before. It’s so fucking bright and loud!! but this time you’re not allowed to just walk away and cave in on yourself! You have to accept and acknowledge everything! And no matter how hard you try, you can no longer channel the familiar sanctuary that you’ve grown so accustomed to! You feel as though you don’t belong there, with the normal people, at all. After you’ve lived with the darkness for so long, can you ever truly return to the light? or will it always have those pieces of you, the ones that it took in the first place?
—  Thoughts I’ll never speak out loud.
(Sorry it’s so long, I’m awful at describing things so it takes me a while to do it)

one of the reasons people with bpd handle people rejecting them/abandoning them so hard is bc we base our identities around these people we get attached to. how THEY feel about us is who we ARE, in our minds. if they love us, we base our identities around that and believe we are loveable. if they leave us or decide they don’t like us anymore, we believe we are unloveable because we have no concrete sense of who we are, apart from how other people feel about us.