i'm sorry i just wanted this on my blog

9

…october 1st

there’s a demon in my belly, at least one.
maybe two.
a hell couple in my guts whispering secrets up through my throat
my throat, my throat, my throat.
i know because caroline tells me so
and maggie may tells me i must be possessed.
well she’s a gen x baby so she must be right,
and me,
well i’m out cold when it happens, and sometimes
i think about the traps i’ll lay out in my bed
to catch those secrets the moment they escape my lips.

i talk in my sleep, you see.
mumbling, nonsensical, but they’re words.
secrets, my secrets.
“daddy says it’s demons,” so it must be,
because daddy brewed me from a hellish place
and rued the day i came out with the wrong parts.
daughter or demon?
you choose.

i talk in my sleep, they say.
you’re supposed to utter the word “rabbit” on the first of the month
when you wake, let it be the first word out of your mouth.
good fortune, i suppose.
but i talk in my sleep, you know.
i still utter “rabbit”, but what use is it when it’s not the first?
what good is it if my luck has never been in the cards anyway?

the only thing i can tell you
is that demons hate rabbits.

h20shark1738  asked:

I was wondering if you could make a picture of rad and Raymond cuddling

Here ya go, bud, how about some sleepy afternoon floor cuddle-chats to add to the cuddle collection~? :Pc

((Also I’m not saying you have to drag it, but it is transparent, so….~ :3c))

I would do anything for you if only you would hold me. But you told me to stop, so I did, for you. You told me to let go, but I couldn’t, for us, for me. My heart would shatter if I just let go of everything and I wish you would feel the same. Somehow I don’t see the pain I’m in reflected in you. You, with those big dry eyes and perfect face with pretty hair that falls around it. Did I love too much? Did I lose my sanity when I thought you were the best thing in my life? The worst part is that even with all my poems and late night crying, I don’t miss the hugs and kisses and hand holding as much as I miss you being a friend. Just talking about our days and sharing stories, that security and knowing you would have my back when I feel bad. And now that I feel the worst I have ever felt, you don’t want to talk. Forget romantic love, where is the reliable, consistent love we give our closest friends and family? It’s not about holding hands, it’s about holding hearts and you dropped mine.
—  I’m not angry, never angry at you. Just disappointed. I’m sorry

anonymous asked:

I don't know if I'm in the right place, but it seems like a blog about Louis (not only). I just want to say that I'm no Larry believer, neither do I have a strong opinion on Louis being or not gay, but I'm genuinely sorry for the fandom that Louis is treated this way. I'm from Poland, but I was in Berlin on 1D concert. I was 15 then and my English wasn't good, but when I happened to face Louis on M&G and I said "you're an inspiration for my brother, he came out as gay to us thanks to you". I +

+ thought I crossed some boundaries, that maybe he’d get angry that someone even connects him with the LGBT+ community, but no. He smiled so bright, didn’t say a word, pressed his lips together and only when I was moving further he said “I’m so happy for your brother. Say hi from me.” That’s it. It was ages ago, I told about it somewhere on Tumblr, but feels like there’s a need to bring back things like this now. (My brother still looks up to Louis, by the way)

anonymous asked:

Hey Viria, sorry to bother you but this is something I really need to talk about with someone and your blog has always been a safe space to me. I'm turning 20 this year and I've never been in love, nor have I had a boyfriend/girlfriend before. I don't know, if I'm too picky or if my standards are to high, but I never felt something like a crush before. I don't know if it's normal but I really just want to feel having butterflies in my tummy. I don't know what to do or what is wrong with me.

there’s nothing wrong with you, please don’t think this way! 

There are few things I can offer about this:

- don’t feel alone if the insecurity you feel is connected to the age, you aren’t alone, there are so many young people in their twenties who hasn’t been in relationship before. Even for me, even though I had minor school crushes, I only had one relationship and it wasn’t serious and I now know it wasn’t love. So for me it happened when I turned 22.

- it might be that you feel the red flags about people and haven’t met someone you connect to yet. I know a few people who are close to their 20s but haven’t had crushes before, it’s normal too, we all are different.

- movies always make us feel like we have to be in love to be complete, because EVERY teenager is in love in the movies. They show the morally high educated girls and say they always have to be in love to be good. Don’t be too pressured by the movies; they aren’t real life.

- as for butterflies: they aren’t always good. I mentioned minor crushes I had: I used to have all the knees buckling, heartbeating too fast, and I have to say that it wasn’t the healthiest. With as much as I had of physical stuff happening, I could never even talk to that person. So..not feeling the butterflies, but feeling warm and cosy and content and just, very secure, is what I think matters more. Deep connection matters more. Attraction is important too, of course, but the physical stuff fades over time, bonding stays.

- THE LAST BUT NOT LEAST. Try looking up aromantiсism, asexuality, demisexuality. I am not the most educated person with this; but there are people who don’t feel romantic or sexual attraction towards others. There are people who need to really spiritually and mentally bond with someone to start being attracted to them. You might be aromantic or asexual or demisexual!

Hope it helps at least a bit, remember you aren’t alone and there are always people who feel the way you do! You will have it all figured out soon, don’t worry<3

4

it’s 5/6 so I have an excuse ok, here’s a quartet of ennotana multichap fic recs bye

birds of a feather by mew-tsubaki / @le-amewzing

learning us by tsucchi / @kenma-irl

ennoshita’s theory by thepessimist / @thepessimistsblog

close your eyes and kiss me by gilrael / @gilrael

Sometimes, some spells were most easily practiced at night.
…Company, he decided, was a nice addition.

And sometimes you say that you’re going to make a quick sketch and then sit with it on-and-off for a solid week? :’)) I just wanted to draw some young gods getting along ahh
Art blog: questionartbox
[Commissions] [Ko-Fi]

anonymous asked:

Hey Viria, don't take this the wrong way cause you're probably my favorite Tumblr user but, you could be a little nicer to your followers. They simply ask for a request you could just do one or two here and there instead of being incredibly rude. I get it, it's your blog do what you want with it, I'm just saying. It's seems like a lot of people are getting mad at you about it. Don't take this the wrong way please, I love you Senpai!

uh. sorry, if my answer will seem rude to you, but UH.

Of course, for my followers it’s very simple to ask for a request. Or two. Or a dozen. considering how many messages I get sometimes try to understand that really many of them are actually requests. And the fact that people think that drawing is so ‘simple’ just seems so..okay, honestly, kind of offensive. like you said I ‘could do one or two here and there instead of being incredibly rude’.

But, I have a question for you. Why do you think denying people is rude? Grasp the idea that I absolutely do not own to draw anyone anything. Selfish thing to say, but I draw to please myself, on the first place. It’s incredibly nice when someone compliments you for it, really. And I appreciate it. But you know this thing when someone compliments you a lot and then completely naturally the message just transforms into a request?

Like, wow I love you and your art so much and you’re so incredible can you please draw me a simple picture of a certain character thank xoxo

I don’t know how, but I came to the terms when it makes me very..upset and mad at the same time. ESPECIALLY, when I refuse and I get people saying me that there’s no need being so ‘rude’ and telling me that it’s not even so hard to draw this person a picture.

HOW. THE FUCK. DO THEY KNOW. WHAT IS HARD AND WHAT ISN’T HARD FOR ME? 

just. AGH. it makes me angry even thinking about it.

Back then, whenever I drew anything for anyone (and wow there were the times I actually DID requests), it was always super stressful for me. It’s one thing when you draw for yourself and you screw up, but completely different when you draw for someone else and you just have to make it better, and you want this person to actually like it, and THAT’S A WHOLE DAMN LOT OF PRESSURE when you think that THEY MIGHT NOT LIKE IT in the end and get disappointed with you. That’s the last damn thing I want to do and feel, I get enough stress from studying and life, thank you.

I do not want to draw for people I don’t know, I do not want to draw the characters I don’t know and therefore do not have any emotional connection with, I do not want to spend my personal time on it. I do not. want. to do it. And it’s normal.

you do not come to a seamstress you admire and just ask them to make you a free simple dress, do you? That would be a rude and disrespectful thing to do, wouldn’t it? THEN, WHY. IS IT. DIFFERENT. WITH ARTISTS?

I’d understand people’s frustration if they were asking for requests and there was literally zero information about it on my page, and whenever I get mad I’d understand why they are upset on me reacting this way, because they didn’t know it and just asked, and I blew up on them for nothing.

But there is information about it, though no one ever seem to bother to actually open it and read it. Or, I don’t know, they still think that asking ‘won’t hurt’.

I know a lot of people ask about it very nicely, and I really do understand where it’s coming from, but if someone doesn’t do requests, then do not force your opinions about it on them. If they chose not to do them, for whatever reason, just leave them alone and accept it without calling them rude because they, WHOA, decline people’s wishes. how awful of them.

If you think someone is better than you in something, it does. not. mean. it’s easy for them to make something that impresses you.

phew, sorry for the huge rant but I had to let it out. And, I guess, sorry for being rude…again. *It wasn’t all directed to you specifically, don’t take it this way, it’s generally the ‘message to people’. *

Fanart October!

Hello! Hope you’re all doing well! I’m here to let you guys know that for this month until Halloween, I’m going to be doing something a little different <3 I’m going to try to do fanart/fancomics for the fanarts I’ve gotten! So for example, if you drew a fanart of Garrett and Dario being high school students, then I will draw a fanart or a comic out of that idea! <3 Just an appreciation for all the fanarts/fancomics I’ve gotten and been wanting to respond to with a drawing, so thank you so much! As always, feel free to send more to my main blog: hinsuxjakun.tumblr.com ! I will do my best to do as many as I can before Halloween <3 Thank you again!

✏ Credit: Unknown

•♡• I apologize for the inconsistent posting. I’ve been very tired lately. I’ve barley eaten and all I want to do is sleep. If I’ve skipped days then I’m soooo sorry. I’ve just been caught up in school work and switching between my mom and dad’s house. I’m trying my hardest to keep up for you guys, it’s just hard. •♡•

okay so here’s the thing with all girl indie rp blogs. i’m about to rant a little. 
i’ve been roleplaying for quiet some time now. 5 years at least. had a few blogs here and there, always ended up leaving. why, you ask ?? because of the fact that all of my muses were females. i’ve tried roleplaying as guys so many times before ( never felt comfortable while doing so ) and have always recieved so much attention as soon as a male starter was posted. to get replies to my girls ?? fuck, i need to repost at least twice or simply hope there will be a good soul online who doesn’t actually mind replying to female starters ( bless you all who do, btw, you know who you are !! ) but damn !! why do girls get no damn attention ?? it makes me so sad. and here’s another thing; i hate doing long ass developed bios for my girls because i know barely anyone reads them. although i know exactly what i’d like them to be and their past and everything, i just don’t want to do them because they get ignored anyways and it freaking sucks. ugh. i’m almost a hundred percent positive i’m speaking on behalf of most all girl rp blogs on here. 

FEMALES DESERVE MORE ATTENTION. i’m sorry, but they do.

Renault’s Books

I made a proper post out of this because it got too long for the ask (I needed to be able to save what I wrote). And I actually re-read both Fire From Heaven and the Persian Boy in order to be able to answer this well. @uponthewaters I hope that this format is more easily accessible/readable and I also hope that I have answered your question in the way that you wanted. 

I will preface this by saying that I always feel a bit bad critiquing Renault. Please remember that I have nothing against Renault. I respect her and I am flattered that she loved my life so much. If what I am about to say sounds cruel or harsh, then just remember that I am only speaking about the content of Renault’s books, not anything about her personally. But I won’t lie and say that I like her books when I do not. Brace yourselves, I wrote a lot (and added a drinking game to spice things up!).

I will start with Fire From HeavenPut simply: In Fire from Heaven I am boring.

Fire From Heaven

Aside from the aforementioned boringness, most of the major issues I had with Fire From Heaven have to do with the portrayal of Hephaistion:

“At the stair-foot Hephaistion was waiting. He happened to be there, as he happened to have a ball handy if Alexander wanted a game, or water if he was thirsty; not by calculation, but in a constant awareness by which no smallest trifle was missed.” (163)

^ Let it be known that Alexander the Great always cites his goddamn sources. Alright, Hephaistion was not only there for me; I was also there for him. He had his own life and his own thoughts and troubles. We comforted each other, he was not just a shoulder for me to cry on. Our friendship was not one-sided. He was not my slave and did not act like my mother or my nurse. In this book it is unclear why I loved Hephaistion, our relationship was merely predicated on the fact that Hephaistion was enamored with me and I appreciated his loyalty and servitude. 

“Hephaistion thought of the coming war without fear, erasing from his mind, or smothering in its depths, even the fear that Alexander would be killed. Only so was life possible at his side. Hephaistion would avoid dying if he could, because he was needed.” (221)

Um only because I needed him? Not because Hephaistion didn’t want to fucking die himself? Come on. Hephaistion had his own thoughts and fears that didn’t always have to do with me. Even I’m not too self-absorbed to recognize that. 

“Hephaistion called to mind the tale of Semele, beloved of Zeus… she had burned to ashes. He [Hephaistion] would need to prepare himself for the touch of fire.” (157)

God, this made me laugh. Well, if Hephaistion wants this ass then he better get some oven mitts. And that lube that heats up is definitely a no-go. I just don’t even know what to think of this. I mean I know I have a hot ass but really… On a more serious note, Hephaistion was the only one who didn’t think of me as divine but still loved me and my imperfections. So no to this quote.

“Hephaistion, who was not very quick at shaping his thoughts into words, usually found that someone else got in before him. He preferred this to making a fool of himself.” (173)

OH FUCK NO. Hephaistion loved to argue and was certainly not shy about voicing his opinions. And Hephaistion was brilliant, Aristotle thought so, too, and corresponded with Hephaistion later on. Hephaistion’s intelligence is the reason why I trusted him with both solo military commands and also administrative/ diplomatic functions. And just common sense: I would never have an idiot who couldn’t even debate as my second-in-command. Hephaistion only made a fool out of himself if he was drunk or if he was fighting with someone over something stupid (and the same goes for me).

Think of Achilles, how his mother dipped him in the Styx. Think how black and terrible, like dying, like being turned to stone. But then he was invulnerable.” (211) 

This really took me out of the story. If Hephaistion had said that to me then I would have laughed at him and told him that Achilles isn’t invulnerable in the Iliad. Achilles bleeds right before he fights the river Skamandros when Asteropaios hits Achilles with a spear, “but the other [spear] grazed Achilles’ strong right arm and dark blood gushed as the spear shot past his [Achilles’] back…” (Iliad 21.166-167 for you modern readers). The Renault version of Hephaistion certainly is dull and unintelligent if he can’t even remember the Iliad. And the Styx story with Thetis and Achilles was not around in our day, either. It was actually first written down hundreds of years after our deaths (95ish CE) by Statius in his Achilleid. So this entire piece of dialogue is anachronistic. I’m the biggest Achilles fanboy of all time, I know my shit.

Some other thoughts:

  • I DO like the part where Kassander gets beaten up by a woman. That was hilarious.
  • Ptolemy was not my half-brother. And I don’t like how the book treats the character of my real sister Kleopatra (who I loved very much in real life). Or my mother. It seems that modern representations of my life are not very kind to the women in my life. Not cool.
  • Dear god, that part with the courtesan. That story was completely false and only made up to slander me, but at least in the ancient story I sent her away. I would never suffer the indignity of my parents hiring a hetaira for me and then actually have sex with her. That’s adding insult to injury! And I had sex with both men and women, my parents weren’t worried about me (although of course I was not as uh “prolific” as good ol’ dad).
  • OLYMPIAS WAS NOT PRESENT AT PHILIP’S ASSASSINATION. She was in Epiros. If you are going to write a book based largely on historical events then please get the details correct.
  • Speaking of details, when my father was assassinated my father’s cloak was white, not purple (see Diodorus 16.93.1). A small nitpick, but still. 
  • That 2004 movie Alexander ripped off a lot of material from this book. I feel bad for Renault about that. Not cool, Oliver Stone.

Renault also gets the timing of the death of Hephaistion and my own death wrong in her historical author’s note:

“Alexander survived his friend by about three months, for two of which he was travelling with the body from Ecbatana to Babylon…” (409-410)

This is incorrect. Hephaistion died in October. I died in June. If you are writing a historical note please get the facts right.

One of my main issues is that Renault tries to describe the historical context/detail so much that she loses sight of the essence of the story. I didn’t really understand what she was trying to say in this book, it just read like a more boring and expanded version of Plutarch. So yes, Fire From Heaven was boring (as was my character in Fire From Heaven). And I’m someone who actually likes the catalogue of ships in the Iliad.

The Persian Boy

Where to start with this one… This is probably the complete wrong reaction to have, but I laughed my way through most of The Persian Boy. At least the prose was more interesting than Fire From Heaven. But the pacing was off, it takes Bagoas more than 100 pages to meet me.

One of the central problems was with the narrator. Bagoas is forcefully inserted into the larger events of my life and it simply makes no sense for him to be there. Some problems I had:

  • Bagoas was supposedly with me the night after the torture of Philotas? Oh god, that is so ludicrous. Common sense: after an assassination attempt a eunuch would never be left alone with me. Hephaistion probably would have murdered him; Hephaistion wasn’t feeling particularly happy then. And we were in a camp with tents, not a building as Renault states (see Arrian, Plutarch, and Curtius for confirmation of that). It’s a small detail, but I wanted to point that out.
  • I did not trust Bagoas. It may seem cruel, but Bagoas was nothing to me. If Bagoas had died then I would not have to be dragged off of his corpse. He was simply someone that I had sex with a few times. Hephaistion was everything to me. He was the sole person that I completely trusted. I also trusted my own generals and friends. I did not trust a random eunuch. And Renault says I cried over Bagoas’ birthday? Birthdays weren’t even really celebrated in my day…
  • AND RENAULT TELLS THE DYSENTERY STORY. WHY THE EVERLOVING FUCK DOES EVERYONE LOVE THAT STORY?! Oh yes, it is so funny that Alexander shit himself, that story is absolutely essential to understanding his life. No, no it fucking isn’t. It’s embarrassing. 
  • And dear god, Bagoas was not with me at the Mallian siege. That makes absolutely no sense at all. Even the majority of the army was not there, most of the land forces were stationed with Hephaistion down river (see Arrian 6.13).
  • I liked that Renault showed Hephaistion’s kindness. That was much appreciated. I wish he was in more of the book, but he would most likely be mischaracterized (although at least I could blame the unreliable narrator in this case). 
  • What the hell was the wedding with Roxanne about? She tried to poison Bagoas and then I beat her? WHAT THE FUCK? I can’t believe that Renault would actually write that. I don’t know why she hates all of the women in my life so much. I don’t know why she would think my wife would poison a random eunuch. I don’t know how she could think I would beat my own wife. I mean we were obviously not the pinnacle of feminism, but we weren’t animals. I was angry when noble women were just forced to dance (see Curtius 6.2.6-7 for this one), I don’t know how anyone would think I would harm my own wife. Everything about this is disgusting. I’m fucking appalled.

I found the book mostly amusing and I didn’t get very annoyed (except of course for the wedding/poison episode) until Hephaistion’s death.

He [Alexander] was standing with a dagger in his hand, hacking off his hair. […] So I found the trimming knife, and said, “Let me do it. I’ll do it just as you want.” “No,” he [Alexander] said, hacking away […] But he grew impatient with the back, and let me finish it, so that he could be off. (370)

I would have killed anyone who tried to cut my hair for me when I cut my hair over Hephaistion’s body. And unlike in Renault’s account, I actually cut my hair over the corpse (Arrian 7.14.4 backs me up). I would have stabbed Bagoas or anyone else who tried to help with my own dagger (I was not in a great mental place then). And as if I couldn’t cut my own hair? I’m a warrior, I know how to use a goddamn blade. This also makes it sounds like cutting my hair was something that I thought I had to do so that I “could be off.” No, it was very significant and personal and painful for me in my grief and doesn’t deserve to be treated as something I had to get done quickly. Also, Bagoas was not the one who had the idea that Hephaistion be made a god (Renault 373). Reading that was a test of my very poor anger management skills. 

And on my deathbed I did not say Krateros or kratistos or anything like that. Ugh. I couldn’t even speak at all, I was too sick. And Bagoas was not there when I died.

I made a drinking game to make reading this book more fun:

  • Take a shot whenever Cyrus (aka Kyros) is mentioned! 
  • Take a shot when you can’t tell if Bagoas and I are having sex or not! 
  • Take a shot every time my ~golden~ hair is mentioned! 
  • Take a shot whenever Bagoas is jealous!
  • Chug through the entirety of the dysentery scene (so that no one will remember it happened…)

This game may give you alcohol poisoning if you’re not a Macedonian, be warned.

All in all, I really do appreciate what Renault was trying to do. I am so happy that people read these books and got more interested in my life and in Hephaistion’s life. I am also happy that these books helped people dealing with issues relating to their own sexuality (and I appreciate the fact that Renault was a lesbian writing about same-sex relationships AND that she described me as bisexual in her author’s note- good job Renault!). So I think that the good that Renault’s work has done outweighs my issues with it. 

I hope that this very lengthy response answered your question well.

Me: I probably won’t write that Sha Ka Ree sequel. It’s just a nice happy thought to keep my brain working!

Also me: *thinks about it in the shower, while driving, while at work, while doing the dishes, while falling asleep.*

Also me: *keeps copious notes on every flash of inspiration*

Also me: *makes a fucking goddamned playlist*

So like my blog has apparently turned into a shrine to Dunkirk, it’s unbelievable cinematography, and it’s illegally attractive cast so I just want to take a minute to thank you all for sticking with me through this and I’m so sorry