i'm sorry for the rant i just have a lot of feelings

Okay I’m still keyed up about so many things but I’ll start with this:

Lexa’s story is so unfinished.

So incredibly, tragically, and distastefully unfinished.

From day one it is drilled into our brains that Lexa is so special (but that is a whole ‘nother rant for a different day.) 

“Jus drein no jus daun.” That is Lexa’s fight and she didn’t even get a chance to raise her sword hand in it’s honor. She died before she was able prove not only to her people, but to herself, that they can be better. They can grow, they can flourish, and they can do more than just survive on war and the tips of spears and blood answering blood. They can live and they can love without fear of never seeing the next day.

But no.

No, no, Lexa dies with the legacy of failing to fell The Mountain and refusing to answer the unjust deaths of her people for the sake of something she never got the chance to demonstrate. She died before she got to truly tell the girl she loved how she felt. She died at a moment so pivotal to her story that it makes me sick just thinking about the message it sends.

Love is weakness.

That’s is the message I got. Loud and exhaustively clear.

8

She stared at the stunted legs, the swollen brutish brow, the green eye and the black one, the raw stump of his nose and crooked pink scar, the coarse tangle of black and gold hair that passed for his beard. Even his manhood was ugly, thick and veined, with a bulbous purple head. This is not right, this is not fair, how have I sinned that the gods would do this to me, how?

Shane Dawson has really done some shit in the past. His older videos are problematic as hell (though I can’t speak for his new material, and I’ve heard he’s apologized but I can’t confirm that). I understand he’s incredibly imperfect and I am not now and never will defend his previous actions.

But his coming out video is incredibly important. He says a lot of important things that challenge things like heteronormativity and the idea that sexuality is black and white (gay or straight). So many people don’t realize this and the fact that it’s coming from someone with this amount of influence is incredible and can literally change the lives of people who are unaware.

As far as people not welcoming him into the lgbtq+ community because of his past homophobic comments, it’s more than clear that he’s faced internalized homophobia that stemmed from self-hatred beginning at an early age. And as someone who has done the same, I have to defend that. It’s so fucking hard growing up in a religious family when you aren’t straight. You fall into this out of self-hatred and it feels like you’ll never escape. I honestly believe he needs the support of the lgbtq+ community right now just as much as anyone else.

And as far as him misgendering Caitlyn Jenner, it quite obviously wasn’t intentional. And he did correct himself, while praising her at the same time. I understand that it’s awful to misgender people but it’s a mistake that does happen. I’ve misgendered my own best friend before. Accidentally misgendering someone doesn’t make you “transphobic trash” or anything else, so long as you understand why it’s wrong and correct yourself.

Shane Dawson has an incredibly limited world view and a lot of internalized prejudice, likely due to his religious upbringing, but he’s still a human being and deserves a lot better than what some people are giving him.

Struggling with your sexuality, along with internalized homophobia stemmed in self-hatred is fucking hard and now isn’t the time to write off his struggle because of past actions.

I am not doing Soriel day

I am tired, guys.

Really tired.

Some things happened, people were jerks, and I have to deal with lots and lots of messages that are not nice. I am tired of repeating stuff, and I am tired of saying things that are actually on my blog and that you could go see if you actually cared a little bit.

Today was not a good day, and sorry if I replied to you and I was cranky. I’m just tired.

And I swear if I see another dumb ask I’m gonna throw myself off a window.

So yeah I am not doing Soriel because I don’t feel like it.

Let’s see if tomorrow I do anything at all.

courf

a réagi à votre billet

“just a question, if you were ship marius w a les amis boy, who would…”

DONT FORGET THAT THEY GO ON WHAT IS BASICALLY A DATE

OMG YEAH I FORGOT ABOUT THAT LMAO

courf and marius were like “let’s go out and celebrate!” or something, i forget what the occasion was (marius finally meeting a girl??) and they went out to like a romantic restaurant and i think courf paid??? jfc

i was just talking to someone else about how in my modern headcanon courfeyrac and jehan dated in the past, like in high school or something, but then realized they worked way better as friends and were besties from then on.

and then marius came along and courf harbored a crush on him for a while, until he realized what a precious cinnamon bun marius pontmercy is and how he must be protected at all costs and yeah aesthetic aside they really wouldn’t mesh well. but then they became besties too, like courf looks out for marius like no other.

and the whole time combeferre has been in love with him pretty much since they met each other but because it’s ferre he never said anything because he valued their friendship so much and didn’t want to make things awkward and honestly, it’s fine, so he rants to me about his crushes and romantic escapades, whatever. it’s. fine.

and courfeyrac honestly has been in love with ferre forever too but because he loves so freely and completely and ferre and enjolras are the two people he loves more than anything on the planet tbqh it never really hit him?? courf’s empathy is through the roof ok and yeah he’s pretty in-tune with his emotions but this one blindsided him because it’s ferre. and when he realizes what a giant gay cupid’s arrow he has sticking out of his ass for his moth nerd best friend he like quietly panics because ferre’s never shown interest in anyone let alone his extroverted bubbly flirty mop of a best friend so what is he going to do shit shit shit

and then mutual pining happens and jehan somehow becomes both courf’s and ferre’s confidante which is tragically hilarious, really, and results in a lot of poems about two idiots who can’t get their shit together (which the rest of the amis find fucking hysterical but combeferre and courfeyrac are like what are we missing what’s so funny??)

until they finally do, indeed, get their shit together, and BOOM. it’s like breathing, it’s so so easy, why were they even freaking out?

COURFERRE ENDGAME IS THE ONLY ENDGAME FOR MEEEEE

Akashi Seijuro is a very awesome chara in KnB.

He was misunderstood as a scissors-psycho at first due to his first official appearance but now that the anime-only fandom have seen both sides of Akashi and can finally understand him better, I just want to say…

IF AKASHI SHIORI WAS STILL ALIVE, SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN SUCH A PROUD MOTHER AND I JUST CANNOT FATHOM HOW HAPPY HER SON WOULD BE IF SHIORI WAS STILL BY HIS SIDE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE SHE WAS ALL AKASHI HAD WHEN HE HAD NO ONE ELSE IM SORRY I JUST HAVE A LOT OF AKASHI FAMILY FEELS OK

SOMEONE, ANYONE, PLEASE HUG THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF AKASHI SEIJURO BECAUSE HE DESERVES NOTHING BUT LOVE

About the dubs(or other stuff)

Okay so here is a thing I need to point out when it comes to dubbing and stuff after coming across the portuguese dub, and while I love the voices and the work the guys put into into..I have to say something that…bothered me a little. 

 As I said, I give permission to anyone to dub my comics of ADC, or do anything with it for that matter. (heck even make porn if you want to I’m not stopping you)

However, if you are going to make money out of this on youtube or other platforms, PLEASE, PLEASE, ask me first, and most importantly, I may ask for part of the revenue, or at least let me know? I dunno man. I explained this in an ask.

 Why? well, I’ve been putting a lot of effort into the comics the past month, the comics take time, some people who have been on my stream can actually tell that I spend from 4 to 18 hours streaming some updates. It just feels…wrong that after putting effort into this to later find out that people on youtube make money without my consent. So far the only person I talked to about this is @starbotdubs , and we came with a fair agreement on this of how the money would work for both of us. It just makes me feel bad as an artist that the people who make content out of my content wouldn’t ask me if making money out of it was okay.

I am in no way telling people to stop doing what they do, I mean my content is not “original” per se either, as it is UT content, and I love it that they want to make dubs and stuff! But if you’re gonna get some profit out of this using my art…eh..please let me know at least. I’m just asking.

Hannibal is a Beautiful Show

I just finished rewatching Hannibal’s third season. I had watched the finale 5 times before this, but I still felt as shocked and mesermized as I did the first time I watched it. I was left with my jaw hanging open, just as I did the first time, feeling that this show deserves another chance.

Now, I’m not saying murder is beautiful, but the way the slaughter of the Dragon was filmed was perfect. Hannibal and Will worked together to take down someone and finally show what they can do together as a team. And the background music, Love Crime, is absolutely perfect for the final minutes of the finale. It just fits so perfectly. My words cannot describe how incredible this show and that particular scene are.

This show deserves a 4th season. It’s a masterpiece, and it is so much different from all the other shows out there. It takes an old story and turns it into one of the darkest and most beautiful shows to have ever aired, along with a twisted relationship between two men that is not at all forced. Hannibal and Will are in love, and I just find it so amazing that it’s a confirmed thing.

Now, I’m just rambling on here because I sadly do not have any friends I can rant to without annoying them. I’m repeating myself and what others have said, but I just need to get it off my chest. I have not said everything I actually feel towards this show, but I believe it’s enough to get my point across. I love this show. It’s, in my opinion, the best television series of all time. It has artistic beauty and relationships that are not forced. It’s dark and twisted, but at the end of the day, it’s a murderous love story between two men.

TL;DR: Hannibal is a beautiful show, and I am absolutely in love with it. Please watch it if you haven’t already.

according to the description of complex ptsd, my inability to accept injustice comes in large part from the chronic bullying and illness i’ve endured/continue to endure

but now i can very rarely form friendships because i can’t handle injustice


excuse me while i feel sorry for myself like a jerk…

2

I need to talk about Sciles because the feels are killing me and I’m listening to sad music so what else am I going to do.

gif credit [x]

I can’t even imagine what type of pain Scott is going through in 3b. His best friend is no longer himself. They’ve known each other for years, they’ve been best friends since they were little kids. They’ve literally grown up together. How hard is it to find a best friend that you would do anything for? Not only did Stiles have trouble sleeping at first, he was completely loosing his mind. And in the hospital, in that gif, that was one of the most heart wrenching moments ever. Scott offered him everything he could give him and even though we know now that those scans were wrong and that he might not have it, just imagine that trauma that comes with going through that. And then the nogistune took possession of him and Scott lost that best friend. He saw Stiles become something that wasn’t him, have something trap him and twist everything about him, make everyone question whether it was really him. And there was nothing that Scott could do. He had to watch Stiles become a monster. I don’t know how he managed to keep it all inside and not tear down everything around them to save Stiles, mainly because they didn’t have any options on how to save him.

Stiles was probably the greatest thing that Scott could have asked for when he got bitten. Stiles was the one who stayed with him through it, and helped him through everything. He never gave up on Scott, even when he betrayed him for a girl he knew Stiles was in love with, and when Scott was trying to kill him on the full moon. Stiles put himself in danger when Scott was going to blow himself up, and he would every time put in the same situation. Stiles has put up with all of Scott’s werewolf crap and let himself be dragged into the supernatural world where he could easily be killed, but he did it to stay with Scott.

Because they love each other, they are the greatest brothers there ever were and ever will be. They’d do anything for each other and always go back to each other. Nothing could ever tear them apart. 

Why Bellarke COULD Happen

I may be crazy but I do feel like the writers may actually write bellarke at some point.

Here me out. I know everyone says it’s cliche to write the main male and female fall in love but I think that’s only true when they have no real chemistry and it’s forced. Bellarke’s chemistry is very natural and the show didn’t start with them being forced to fall in love with each other, they grew a friendship and it felt extremely natural because both characters grew so much. Which is partially why I don’t think it’s cliche.

Now back to the writers, while they have all made negative and teasing comments i don’t think Bellarke is out of the question. Jason loves to tease, that being said he often says things he probably shouldn’t and ends up upsetting fans but I also think he wants to keep us on our toes. But the reason I believe Bellarke isn’t out of the question isn’t because of how the writers tweet but what they actually write and show on screen.

Now yes the actors portray their characters a certain way but if they writing team had a problem with how Bob was making heart eyes they probably would’ve told him to tone it down.

Anyway back to the writing. First of all episode 8 of season 1 showcased Bellamy getting jumpy while touching Clarke. If there was no hint of attraction there then that scene would be completely pointless. He was literally jumpy and nervous and that implies more than a friendship because just friends don’t jump at each others touch.

And don’t get me started on how their reunion was in comparison to Clarke and her other “friends” i made a gif set to show my feelings on that one. Obviously Bellamy is her co-leader and means a lot to her but so don’t her other friends who she liked a lot longer then Bellamy.

The campfire scene. Okay they FILMED Bellamy staring at Clarke while she was sleeping for more than a normal amount of time. I have had sleepovers with guys and girls and never did I stare at anyone while they slept. I get they were separated but he was separated from a lot of people and I doubt in Season 3 we will see him watching Jasper sleep, if we do I’ll take that statement back.

The whole Love is Weakness thing. I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again. Lexa told Clarke “Love was weakness” and Clarke told Bellamy she was being “weak” by wanting him to stay. I’m not saying Clarke was admitting she was IN love with Bellamy romantically in that scene but her loving him was implied and Clarke doesn’t go around telling all her friends she loves them (even though we know she does) so I felt like this was meant to deepen their bond.

Now the scene where Lexa and Clarke were talking and Lexa LITERALLY SAID “You care about him” (referring to Bellamy) Clarke says “I care about all of them” Lexa says “But you worry about him more” THE WRITERS WROTE THAT. That was not interpretation of eyes or body language that was written. And since it was canonically written that Lexa had an attraction for Clarke then it could be implying that she was jealous (that’s up to interpretation) but imo she looked a lil uneasy about it. If it is implying that it’s implying that for a reason. Either way that scene was put in there and that line and not for no reason, there was implication to something there.

The reunion at Mount Weather. Now this could be on the actors but I doubt it, I’d have to see the script. Either way when Bellamy/Octavia/Clarke/Jasper/Monty are reunited Bellamy and Clarke literally do not take their eyes off each other. There has to be a reason it was shown like that because Clarke could’ve just as easily ran to hug Monty and Jasper, they are good friends of hers after all and she hasn’t seen them since her escape. But they had her stand and watch him in relief and him focus on her. I don’t believe that’s all on the actors.

Lastly Clarke’s goodbye. We don’t know for sure what Clarke said to Monty in their last few moments but it looked and may have been a goodbye. Obviously if it was a goodbye it was handled differently than Bellamy and Clarke’s but we can’t know for sure. What we do know is that Clarke kissed Bellamy on the cheek. Yes I know I know it can still be platonic but the kiss did linger and they both looked pretty broken. It’s on purpose that Clarke’s final scene was with Bellamy. They have one of if not the strongest relationship on the show and are best friends clearly but at one point in time Clarke was BFFS with Wells and from the little we saw from flashbacks and such the treatment was different. Obviously the situations were different as well and Wells may have been in love with Clarke but regardless Bellamy and Clarke’s relationship seems to deepen beyond friendship and does have some signs and hints at romantic entanglement.

I’m not saying Bellarke will happen but I’m saying that despite what the writers say on twitter (which usually is teasing or very vague) I don’t think it’s impossible that Bellarke is going to happen. Like I said we have to look at what has been written and filmed and there is a lot of evidence of build up. I wrote this because I saw a post about how Bellarke won’t happen because of the writers and I want to show the fandom that there actually is hope. While many think it’d be cliche to happen I think it could be the opposite because of the build up it could be given. We’re going on season 3 and all we’ve had is a cheek kiss but that could be good considering most shows move couples faster. Jason may want to be different but a build up from such a strong friendship and foundation in my opinion is different then a lot of TV. 

My point of this very long essay (that i’m going to stop even though I could add on) is not to count the couple out just yet. Things are shown certain ways for a reason.

Ok I need to fucking rant about Jaden for a minute I’m very sorry. Something people always seem to miss, and makes it hurt more when they bash the show. JADEN IS US. He is litteraly a send up, to us. The first generation of yu-gi-oh fans. The entirety of yu-gi-oh gx is Kazuki Takashi giving us our own adventure in the world of duel monsters through this innocent, kind, bright eyed youth. This is how he sees us! Gx takes place TEN years after dm’s finale, but Jaden isn’t ten at the start of the series. Meaning as a child, Jaden got to witness yugis rise to fame. He grew up on duel monsters, the heart of the cards and being the king of games JUST LIKE US. GX is Kazuki Takahashi saying thank you to us! Say I’m wrong if you want, I don’t care. This is what I feel and why gx and Jaden are so important. Besides come on don’t be a snob all the series are goofy.

Okay so I’ve ranted before about not enjoying kid/baby!fic but I’ve recently discovered that if someone knows what they’re doing, it can be good. SO…I’d like to offer up my services. This can be for any fandom as long as you’re just needing general pregnancy/baby/kid info. 

My qualifications are as such:

  • I’m a mom. (9,6, and 2 yr old) 
  • I’m a full time stepmom. (14 yr old)
  • I have been pregnant four times with three live births. To be clearer for some of you young darlings, that means I’ve had a miscarriage. (Thankfully I haven’t seen this written a lot because if you get a wild hair this is not an idea to handle lightly.) 
  • I suffered from mild postpartum depression. (again, please handle with care when writing) 

If you don’t feel like actually asking me things, I’m going to provide some links to help you find out what is age appropriate for that kid you’re writing for! 

What to Expect has in depth, week to week symptoms, science, and general info about all the weeks of pregnancy. They also have info on the baby as it grows after birth, all the way through age 2.

Baby Center’s Preschooler Page has info month to month on what a 2-4 year old can and can’t do. 

Baby Center’s Big Kids Page has info for kids from 5-8. 

Middle Childhood, (8-11) is underrepresented on the internet. There’s some articles here and here. (most people think they’ve got parenting down by this point so you’ll find a lot of academic papers if you start googling for middle childhood, not many parenting resources outside of books on amazon) 

WebMD is actually good for something (besides convincing you that you’re dying.) Here’s their 11-14 year old page.

 

One last thing, TV* (and film too but less so) is really bad at pregnancy, babies, and kids being more than just plot points. Fanfiction has this same problem. A couple’s dynamic after having children changes MASSIVELY. So if you’re just going for fluff, get them a puppy. If you are really set on writing baby/kid fic, do some research, read some mommy blogs (Scary Mommy is a good one,) read some daddy blogs. (they exist!)  

My ask box is ALWAYS OPEN and I would LOVE to help you make the kids in your fic be more believable. I’d love to help you avoid mistakes like “she was 4 weeks pregnant.”** I WANT TO HELP YOU!  THERE IS NO REQUIREMENT. YOU DON’T HAVE TO FOLLOW ME OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. I HAVE NO PROBLEM HELPING WHOEVER. 


*Jane The Virgin has handled pregnancy on a TV show the best I have EVER seen. Like, wow, good job show. It makes sense that they would, but I have to assume a lot of it has to do with a female showrunner. Yeah, it’s amazing. 

** Pregnancy is 40 weeks and the clock starts the first day of the last period, not conception. This is a mistake I see over and over again. I don’t blame you, I blame sex ed being horrible, but women VERY RARELY find out they are pregnant at 4 weeks. LIKE SUPER RARE. 6 weeks is when you’d be looking at a BARELY late period and low key symptoms like sore breasts. Some women are nauseous at this point but for me and my friends it’s more along the 7-8 week point where you start puking up everything all day, all night, not just in the morning.

drama tw / one thing i would like to say is that i see a lot of people writing rants about 5sos being able to date who they like etc and of course, i agree. but those rants imply that people are purely upset about the drama at the moment just because one of them is dating and that is so frustrating to me because 90% of what’s upsetting and frustrating - to me, at least, but i’m sure to a lot of you as well - is not the fact that he’s dating. it’s the way one party has decided to blatantly disregard the feelings of fans (and i refuse to believe they have no concept of their impact because if you spend that much time on social media there’s no way you don’t know) continuously doing things that hurt a lot of people without remorse is just straight up mean. there is a certain responsibility that comes with being involved with them on a serious level and i know that it’s not necessarily fair but it’s their reality. anyway.

Someone might have said this already, but I feel like a lot of people still don’t understand, so I’m going to say it too. I’m not saying this directly towards anyone, I’ve just seen many people being a bit insensitive about this especially on twitter.

1. This isn’t about Tronnor or any other ship.

Don’t make this about Tronnor or any other ship.

I’m not saying this because I don’t and I never have shipped Tronnor, You’re allowed to ship Tronnor, that’s cool, but this isn’t really the right time to bring it up. This is about Connor and what we all should be doing right now is to focus on supporting him instead of speculating whether Tronnor is real etc.

Just because Connor is gay doesn’t automatically mean that Tronnor is real. 

And even in case it was, now isn’t the time to focus on that.

2. Also, another thing. Many people are saying that they “knew this all along”. No. You didn’t know he was gay. You assumed. There is a huge difference between assuming and actually knowing something.

no offense but i really dislike those ExR fics in which Grantaire is super broken/mentally ill and then Enjolras becomes his neurotypical knight in shining armor and saves him. 

I have nothing against neurodivergent R…But please don’t have Enjolras “fix” him and make him be “not broken”. That isn’t how mental illness works, first of all. Disorders are not fixed with love. It can help, definitely, but it doesn’t make the problems go away. Second of all, why is it always Grantaire that’s the one with problems? Why not Enjolras? Why not both of them? If I recall correctly (Forgive me if this is inaccurate - I don’t currently have a copy of the book with me, and I haven’t read it cover-to-cover in almost a year) Enjolras could definitely have neurodivergencies in canon. I understand why a lot of people write R as being ND, given his cynicism and his rants about how worthless life is, but Enjolras can be read that way too, tbh. In the musical we see him becoming really pessimistic and depressive during the battle. In the book we see him as this man who doesn’t smile or laugh much, and is sort of quiet and reserved. Sure, he could definitely just be an introvert that prefers to keep to himself, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Enjolras could have depression. Personally, I always thought of Enjolras as someone who thinks he needs to be perfect. Needless to say, that can lead to a lot of problems. But I never see that written in fic.


Also…he puts other people’s happiness above his own. He is canonly very selfless. The whole point of his character (or one of the main points, anyway) is the fact that he wants to improve the world and make it better for everyone! Not just his friends, not just the French citizens, everyone. And not only could he be rejecting his own happiness in doing so, but he could also get very depressed and anxious and angry when those plans don’t work. Let’s be real here, the world really isn’t always a good place. Not in 1832, and not now. I know that the Les Mis fandom loves Modern AUs in which Les Amis de l’ABC is fighting for problems that we deal with today (some common things I’ve seen written in fanfics are police brutality, racism, and Islamophobia). In those fics, Enjolras is always written as this super passionate guy who never gives up. That’s inspiring, sure, but if I’m being completely honest here…I don’t think it’s entirely realistic? Again, I don’t currently have access to my copy of the book, so I could be wrong, but Brick!jolras has always given me the vibe that he would get really down on himself if his plans to help out the world didn’t work. I don’t want to refer to Enjolras as weak, because he definitely isn’t, but I don’t think he’s necessarily as strong as people write him out to be. He isn’t perfect, as much as the fandom likes to act like he is. He’d mess up. He’d be unable to make a change. And he would hate himself for it, he may even consider giving up. He may see his failures as reasons to stop, rather than reasons to try harder - which is, again, something I’ve seen quite a bit in fandom. 

Apologies, I know this is quite ramble-y and possibly unclear, but it’s just my thoughts. If you need help figuring out what I was trying to say, let me know and I’ll make an attempt to reword it. 

An epic Phan analysis awaits.

So. Yes. *Ahem* This is a bit nerve-wracking because of the comments I might get (but tbh I have a rubbish number of followers so it’ll probably just get ignored), so yeah. (long I’m sorry oh god I’m a nerd)

Here it is.

I love Dan and Phil. Like I actually, truly care about them in way that I’ve never cared for celebrities or internet stars ever before. Why? Because I can feel the love between them, and I know they are genuinely good people. I’m also their age (right between, actually). I can relate to their experiences, both of them. They click with me.

I also wholeheartedly believe that Phan is real. (well, no one can be sure, but I would bet a helluva lot of money on it). If you’d like to read my ramblings why, feel free! Or just keep scrolling and avoid my madness, idc. I’d understand.

Before I start, listen. I don’t really “ship” people. Not that I see anything wrong with it, but I just don’t - especially not couples that I don’t believe are possibly canon. It’s never appealed to me. This might be because I’m 26 years old and totally missed a ton of internet cultureguys, I was in high school when YouTube came out in 2005, so… The only other couple I have ever shipped was Brolin/Merthur because it seemed sooo plausible. I root for canon relationships in shows. That’s just me, but I don’t judge others! I’m totally a fangirl regardless.

For some background on me, not that it really matters, I have two bachelor’s degrees, a Master’s degree, and have just applied to PhD programs. I have traveled alone around the world and lived and worked in various countries, so it’s safe to say I’ve witnessed a lot of human behavior and interactions. I have also been in my fair share of relationships, had best friends that doubled as roommates, and even been in a secret “friends-with-benefits” sort of situation that escalated into more because I realized that I can’t, apparently, separate sex from emotion for very long (and I’m not convinced this is possible for any extended period, but I could just be a hopeless sap). I’m not saying that I know anything more than teenagers do. I’m a teacher. I respect teenagers. I just want to take preemptive measures in order to avoid arguments against me accusing me of being young/naive, because I’m neither of those things.

These are some facts that stand out about Dan and Phil that I just can’t rationalize if they’re platonic (though, again, I’m not some all-knowing oracle and could be wrong). I feel weird putting so much time and investment into such a creepy detailed relationship analysis, and have been avoiding it, but they’ve pulled me in… and I’m also starting to get really annoyed by all of the poorly-informed and thought-through debates that focus more heavily on opinions than facts. The real truth is that NO ONE KNOWS THE NATURE OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP. But I do think we can make a pretty educated guess. And here are the truths on which I’ve based mine.

1) They have never stated that they’re straight, so it’s wrong to assume as much. Even if we try to be fair and ignore old Formspring answers, we have no reason to believe that they’re hetero; all we know for sure is that Dan “likes vagina” (and also Evan Peters). Bi-erasure is so commonly talked about on tumblr that I’m sure you all understand this already, but it drives me crazy when some people spout out things like “They’ve repeatedly said they’re straight and not together, GAWD!!!” just… no. No, they haven’t. Why do people ignore Dan’s constant comments about guys being attractive? Phil’s much more quiet on the matter, but we all know what he’s admitted in the past (and he was in his 20s at the time, much older than Dan was when he claimed he often lied to get attention, and was probably much less likely to say anything untrue). Also, straight people don’t generally have problems admitting that they’re straight when asked. It’s quite telling that they haven’t.

2) They haven’t openly denied being in a relationship in YEARS. (A surprised Dan telling a phangirl no when she asked him on the street and a mouthed “no” at TATINOF don’t count, because what else was he supposed to do? But remember that the “no” did, apparently, follow a wink, so make of that what you will.) Why wouldn’t they put the phans to rest and just say “No, we’re not together” if they’re not? I refuse to believe that they’re simply manipulating us to believe in Phan in order to increase their views and popularity. If people believe that this is, in fact, what they’re doing, okay. Maybe it is. Maybe I am naive after all. I just think that they are better people than that, and if that were their intention, it would be played up much more than it is. Despite accusations of queer baiting, they’re actually very tame around each other. (I’ll get to that later).

3) They avoid stating that they’re single, at least in those exact words. Look at Jameela on BBC1 asking if they were and both just awkwardly laughing and Dan saying “Is it that obvious?” That’s evasion. So was their answer to the American radio interviewer who asked if they were married (awkward laughs and ”Don’t ask me about the future” instead of simple denial) or Phil reassuring a viewer of his live show that it was okay to be single without saying “I am too, I get you!” Not definitive in and of itself, but surely indicative of something.

4) If Dan and Phil were mixed-sex, ie if one of them were female, it would be much more difficult to argue that they’re platonic because of the whole “straight people of the opposite sex can’t just be friends OMG there’s always attraction there” (despite the fact that this isn’t necessarily true, it’s a common belief). Just an observation. So if two potentially gay/bi/pan guys live together, doesn’t that at least create a scenario of possible mutual attraction? At the very very least. Start to put these numbered points together, guys.

5) People wonder why, if they’re both gay/bi/pan (or even if just one of them is), they’ve never officially come out. That seems clear to me, and it’s also another reason I believe in Phan. If either one were to reveal his sexuality, it would immediately put pressure on the other to make a similar declaration, or at least to handle a bunch of invasive, personal questions. It would also basically force an official relationship confirmation or denial just because their audience would be relentless, and avoiding the questions would be just as telling tbh (as it already is now but x100). The best way to protect their relationship is to avoid stating anything concrete about their sexualities, though I do believe (or hope) that the hints we’ve been getting might be a gradual, unofficial coming out that won’t require any public declaration. If they weren’t together, Dan and Phil strike me as the kind of people who would have come out a while ago, especially Dan, since Phil is more naturally private.

6) I hate dredging up Dan and Phil’s private and largely deleted past, so I’ll just be general, but come on. Over the years, they’ve left a trail of evidence indicating a relationship so irrefutable that they’d be found guilty in a court of law if they were trying to defend their platonic-ness (if this makes sense).  At the very least they’ve created reasonable doubt that should mean anyone with common sense should be able to admit that a long-term relationship is a distinct possibility. And no one can tell me that the V-Day video was a prank. It’s much too genuine, detailed, and heartfelt, and not funny at all - shouldn’t pranks be funny?

7) There’s just the constant feeling that they’re hiding something and avoiding the elephant in the room. Sure, they play up Phan a bit now, at least more than they ever have, but in the big picture, they’re such small things. The occasional innuendo. Hands-on-heart. “Ironically” written vampire phanfiction (but goodness if that didn’t tell us how strong Dan’s emotions really are for Phil). We have ONE on-camera hug between them in SIX YEARS (2 if you count the tackle at the end of PINOF, and it was completely spontaneous). Yes, they always sit close together (their default, I think, which just shows their fondness for each other), but they generally avoid open touching that isn’t a pat on the back. And people think they’re queer baiting? I think the opposite. They know how to make fans happy, but they’re not going to make a total mockery of Phan and the idea of a physical relationship because it would turn their love into a joke. It actually makes me sad to look at collabs Dan especially has had with others because he is so much more unabashedly physical - hugging Caspar twice in their video and joking about him getting a boner because of it, touching hands with Tyler and saying that his crouching friend looked like he was giving him a bj, even Phil skipping around and holding hands with Dean was something he never would have done with Dan. Why? There’s clearly something to hide. Doing those things with each other, taking their affection up a notch, would increase speculation that might force a coming out, even though all of it was clearly a joke with other people. It’s sad they can’t just be themselves. They don’t even say very affectionate things (though we can feel the love through the screen in other ways, and the “I hate you’s” and “You’re the worst person in the world’s” carry a lot of subtext). I just think of Joe hugging Caspar from the back around the shoulders and saying “I’m so proud of you” in Caspar’s 5 million subs video. D&P don’t do that.

8) They just don’t act like roommates. It’s true that there’s not one “right” way to do anything, but look at other YouTube co-inhabiting duos. Joe and Caspar, for example. Yes, they’re shipped together, but so is basically everyone. They laugh about it. They’re very, very touchy with each other (*ahem* because they’re not hiding anything *ahem*). Their apartment doesn’t feel like  home, and they don’t seem to have many shared possessions. No one thinks that they’ll live together forever. Even Ian and Anthony moved into their own places, and stayed that way after splitting from their girlfriend/fiance. Why? Because they were financially independent and secure and wanted to start their own separate lives. Even if their friendship is as strong as ever, that’s all it is, a friendship. There’s just no great reason to have a platonic roommate for much longer than Dan and Phil have for anyone else in a similar position, especially since they’re both creeping out of their 20s and might naturally want to get their own place and look for a partner to settle down with. They’ve already done that. I think that if they live together for even one or two more years, that’s basically confirmation. Dan even said in the TABINOF audiobook “What if we ever don’t live together?” Not “when”, but “if”. 

9) Can we stop talking about 2012? Aside from Dan’s snarky denial comments on tumblr and some scattered live show moments, we have no idea what happened. He’s lied about plenty (both of them, for example, have changed their origin story multiple times, despite the fact that real phans know the truth, which not only indicates that they’re hiding something, but that they’re willing to lie to protect themselves for whatever the reason may be). If anything, I think Dan’s actions were of a protective person trying desperately to hide something important to him, especially because the video leaking had to have really hurt Phil - he wanted to protect Phil, and he didn’t care if he had to lie to do so. Moving further apart on camera may simply have been a way to keep their relationship personal and not for our consumption, to not make the same mistake again. If the video were a prank, and if Phan weren’t real, I don’t think he would have gotten so angry and defensive. A break up is definitely possible for around that time, which seems to be many people’s headcanon, but I just don’t buy it. Why would Dan have moved in with Phil that same year? I would never want to live with my ex, though I guess anything’s possible. 

10) Just look at everything. All of it. The whole picture. Not just what I’ve said above, but the shared vacations. The movie premieres. THE FACT THAT WE HAVE NEVER HEARD OF ANY OTHER ROMANTIC PARTNERS FOR EITHER OF THEM IN 6 YEARS (and the phandom would have discovered this, no doubt). Their clear and obvious love, fondness, loyalty, mutual understanding, and even co-dependence. Dan’s occasional displays of jealousy in live shows. Little slip-ups that have gotten past (”the bedroom”, Dan’s duvet on Phil’s bed in the prank video and the pillows set up for two), sneaking off together at parties, never getting sick of each other. And yes, the old tweets and Formsprings, though I hope I’ve kept this analysis somewhat minimally invasive (we all know what tweets I’m talking about).

In conclusion? I would be much more surprised if they’re not together than if they are. 

But really… I just want them both to be happy. Their relationship is goals either way. Let’s leave them alone, stop arguing, and admit that we don’t know. They’ll tell us if they want to, or if not. (but I sure hope so)

Ugh. Rant. Using this blog as an emotional outlet for a second.

You ever have this problem where the state of a relationship is really not your fault, but still feel like the main person actively trying to rebuild it & make progress & show love & forgiveness & understanding & attempt & attempt to keep patience through the pain & try to talk through stuff (like you know they’re trying too but you’re both reeling in fear) & then also, at the same time, have to apologize ‘cause any expression, even the jestful expression, of your hurt feelings over how things have transpired or the rejection you’ve felt or the insecurities you’re experiencing seem to hurt/offend the other person? Like, sorry I’ve made you mad or stressed you out w/ my heartbreak, dude. I’ll try caring less next time? Idk?

Like I’m just all of the:

And they are all:

And I’m all:

And they are all:

And then I’m just:

I think I need a hug. Or just a really long, productive, understanding talk about things & stuff. Or both. Someone hug me?

I could really use a hug from @taylorswift tonight. And I know I say this a lot, but I feel like I need one now more than ever. I’ve been having really bad anxiety and horrible body image issues and I can feel myself getting depressed again and I have no clue what to do about it. I’m crazy stressed about school and work and the fact that i don’t have a car anymore so I have to go and find a new one at a fairly decent price (which is impossible, I might add) and I just feel so hopeless. I’m so lost and scared and sad and stressed and I just need Taylor to come and tell me that it’s gonna be okay. Because I feel like it really won’t be. I feel like there’s more bad than there is good in the world right now, everywhere, and I hate it. It’s times like these that I really wish I could call Taylor up and just ask her for advice, but that obviously can’t happen, and it kind of kills me.