i'm sorry but it is not attractive!

Common experiences of lesbians who don’t know they’re lesbians yet

 Out of curiosity, I recently googled “Am I lesbian quiz”. Half the “Are You a Lesbian” quizzes just asked outright, “Are you attracted to women?” as though that isn’t the very answer a questioning lesbian is trying to figure out. The other half marked me as heterosexual for things like owning more nail varnish than dogs. I hope this list will give you more nuanced ideas to think about as you explore your identity.

These experiences are all really common among - but not universal or exclusive to - people who later realize they’re lesbians and find a comfortable home in the lesbian label and community.

It’s mostly stuff that I and other lesbians I know have wished we knew when we were first coming to grips with our lesbian identities, because the fact is it takes a long time to discover how common a lot of these experiences are among lesbians, and not knowing what to look for when trying to figure out if you’re a lesbian can be hard.

‘Attraction’ to men

  • Deciding which guys to be attracted to – not to date, but to be attracted to – based on how well they match a mental list of attractive qualities
  • Only developing attraction to a guy after a female friend expresses attraction to him
  • Getting jealous of a specific female friend’s relationships with guys and assuming you must be attracted to the guys she’s with (even if you never really noticed them before she was interested in them)
  • Picking a guy at random to be attracted to
  • Choosing to be attracted to a guy at all, not just choosing to act on it but flipping your attraction on like a switch – that’s a common lesbian thing
  • Having such high standards that literally no guy meets them – and feeling no spark of attraction to any guy who doesn’t meet them
  • Only/mostly being into guys who are gnc in some way
  • Only/mostly being attracted to unattainable, disinterested, or fictional guys or guys you never or rarely interact with
  • Being deeply uncomfortable and losing all interest in these unattainable guys if they ever indicate they might reciprocate
  • Reading your anxiety/discomfort/nervousness/combativeness around men as attraction to them
  • Reading a desire to be attractive to men as attraction to them
  • Having a lot of your ‘guy’ crushes later turn out to be trans women

Relationships with men

  • Dreading what feels like an inevitable domestic future with a man
  • Or looking forward to an idealized version of it that resembles literally no m/f relationship you’ve ever seen in your life, never being able to picture any man you’ve actually met in that image

  • Being repulsed by the dynamics of most/all real life m/f relationships you’ve seen and/or regularly feeling like “maybe it works for them but I never want my relationship to be like that”

  • Thinking you’re commitmentphobic because no relationship, no matter how great the guy, feels quite right and you drag your feet when it comes time to escalate it

  • Going along with escalation because it seems like the 'appropriate time’ or bc the guy wants it so bad, even if you personally aren’t quite ready to say I love you or have labels or move in together etc.

  • Or jumping ahead and trying to rush to the ‘comfortably settled’ part of relationships with guys, trying to make a relationship a done deal without investing time into emotional closeness
  • Feeling like you have to have relationships with guys and/or let them get serious in order to prove something, maybe something nebulous you can’t identify

  • Only having online relationships with guys; preferring not to look at the guys you’re interacting with online; choosing not to meet up with a guy even if you seem very into him and he reciprocates and meeting up is totally realistic
  • Getting a boyfriend mostly so other people know you have a boyfriend and not really being interested in him romantically/sexually
  • Wishing your boyfriend was more like your female friends
  • Wishing your boyfriend was less interested in romance and/or sex with you and that you could just hang out as pals
  • Thinking you’re really in love with a guy but being able to get over him in such record time that you pretend to be more affected than you are so your friends don’t think you’re heartless
  • After a breakup, missing having a boyfriend more than you miss the specific guy you were with
  • Worrying that you’re broken inside and unable to really love anyone

Sex with men

  • Having sex not out of desire for the physical pleasure or emotional closeness but because you like feeling wanted
  • OR: preferring to 'be a tease’ to feel wanted but feeling like following through is a chore
  • Only being comfortable with sex with men if there’s an extreme power imbalance and your desires aren’t centred
  • Using sex with men as a form of self-harm
  • Feeling numb or dissociating or crying during/after sex with men (even if you don’t understand that reaction and think you’re fine and crying etc for no reason)
  • Being bored with sex with men/not understanding what the big deal is that makes other women want it
  • Doing it anyway out of obligation or a desire to be a good sport/do something nice for him
  • Never/rarely having sexual fantasies about specific men, preferring to leave them as undetailed as possible or not thinking about men at all while fantasizing
  • Having to make a concerted effort to fantasize about the guy you’re “attracted” to

Early interest in women

  • Not recognizing past/current crushes on women until you’ve come to grips with your attraction to women
  • Being unusually competitive, shy, or eager to impress specific women when you’re not that way with anyone else
  • Wanting to kiss your female best friend on the mouth for literally any reason (”to practice for boys” included)
  • Getting butterflies or feeling like you can’t get close enough when cuddling with a close female friend
  • Looking at a close female friend and feeling something in your chest clench up and being overwhelmed with love for her - love you may read as platonic
  • Having had strong and abiding feelings of admiration for a specific female teacher, actor, etc., growing up that were deep and reverent
  • Having had an unusually close relationship with a female friend growing up that was different and special in a way you couldn’t articulate
  • Thinking relationships would be simpler “if only I were attracted to women/my best friend who would be perfect for me if she/I weren’t a girl”
  • When a female friend is treated badly by a man, having your protective thoughts turn in the direction of “if I was him/a man I’d never do that to her/my girlfriend”
  • Being utterly fascinated by any lesbians you know/see in media and thinking they’re all ultra cool people
  • Having your favourite character in every show be that one gay-coded or butch-looking woman (like Shego from Kim Possible or Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica)
  • Feeling weirdly guilty and uncomfortable in locker rooms etc., when your female friends are less clothed than they normally would be around men and being more careful not to look than they are

The 'straight’ version of you

  • Thinking that all straight girls feel at least some attraction to women
  • Thinking that your interest in seeing attractive women/scantily clad women/boobs is an artificial reaction caused by the objectification of women in media
  • Being really into how women look “aesthetically”/“just as artistic interest”
  • Thinking it’s objective and uncontested that almost all women are way more attractive than most men
  • Being a really intense LGBT+ “ally” and getting weirdly emotional about homophobia but assuming you’re just a Really Good Ally and v empathetic
  • Having like half your friend group from school turn out to be LGBT+
  • Getting emotional or having a strong reaction you don’t understand to f/f love stories etc.
  • Having had people think you were gay when you had no suspicion you were gay

Exploring attraction to women

  • Feeling like you could live with a woman in a romantic way, even if you can’t imagine doing anything sexual with a woman
  • Feeling like you could enjoy sexual interaction with a woman, even if you can’t imagine having romantic feelings for a woman
  • Thinking you couldn’t be a lesbian because you’re not attractive enough, cool enough, or otherwise in the same league as most of the women you know
  • Interacting with het sex/romance in media by imagining yourself in the man’s position or just never/rarely imagining yourself in the woman’s position
  • Really focusing on the women in het porn
  • Being really into the idea of kissing/being sexual with a woman 'to turn guys on’
  • Being really annoyed when guys actually do express interest in watching or joining in when you do that
  • Only feeling/expressing attraction to or sexual interest in women when you’re inebriated or otherwise impaired

Gender Feelings

  • Having a lot of conflicting gender feelings that are only possible to resolve once you understand you are/can be a lesbian
  • Thinking that being gnc and feeling a disconnect from traditional womanhood mean that you can’t be a woman even if that’s what feels closest to right - many lesbians are gnc and many lesbians feel disconnected from traditional womanhood since it’s so bound up in heteropatriarchy
  • Knowing you’re attracted to women and not being able to parse that (esp + any gender nonconformance) as gay, taking a long time to figure out if you’re a straight man or a lesbian
  • Being dysphoric about the parts of you that make straight men think your body is owed to them, having to figure out what that dysphoria means for/to you
  • Knowing you’re attracted to women, but feeling weirdly guilty and uncomfortable trying to interact with them as a straight man, and only later realizing you’re actually a trans lesbian
  • Knowing you’re gay, but experiencing a lot of the symptoms of comp het when you try to interact with men romantically/sexually, and only later realizing you’re a trans lesbian and not a gay man
  • Being nonbinary and taking a long time to sort through being able to respect/understand your nonbinary identity and your lesbianness at the same time

Considering lesbianism

  • Wanting to be a lesbian but feeling like if you don’t already know you are one you can’t be
  • Feeling guilty about wanting to be a lesbian, feeling like you’re just attention-seeking or trying to be trendy
  • Suppressing your lesbian dreams because you think exploring that desire would mean you’re a bad/homophobic person using lesbianness selfishly
  • Wishing you were a lesbian to escape the discomfort of dating men
  • Fantasizing about how much fun it would be to be a lesbian and just be with women/a specific woman, but thinking that can’t be for you
  • Worrying that some of your past attraction to men was actually real so you can’t be a lesbian
  • Worrying that bc you can’t be 100% sure you’re not attracted to men and can’t be 100% sure you won’t change your mind, you can’t be a lesbian
  • Worrying that you only want to be a lesbian because of trauma and that means your lesbianness would be Fake
  • Worrying that trauma-induced complications in how you experience sex (e.g., a habit of self-harming via sex w men or a fear of any sex at all) mean you’re not a Real Lesbian

Every item on this list is common among Real Lesbians. It’s all Normal Lesbian Stuff. If you’re worried that you can’t be a lesbian even though it’s the life you really want for yourself, I hope this gives you permission to explore that. You are allowed to be a lesbian. 

And if you’re not sure yet – if you took the time to read this entire thing because you’re curious about your identity, if you identified with a bunch of items on this list – you may or may not be a lesbian, but friend, you almost certainly aren’t cishet. Welcome.

(I’d love to hear other things lesbians wish you’d known were A Thing when you were first exploring your identity!)

I have been like this my entire life. People gush to me about how attractive someone is and I’m just like “?????”

A story from the line at McDonald's
  • Me: okay so my sexuality's a complicated deal so let's just call me queer as hell
  • Friend: nono I wanna know can't you explain it
  • Me: well ok mainly I am asexual which means I don't want to do the do nor do I long for it, so it has nothing to do with lack of confidence or anything like that, I simply don't find anyone sexually attractive
  • Friend: right right
  • Me: but I'm also bi romantic. The sexual and romantic attraction are different, and I still fall in love and want to have physical contact with my partner, I just don't need the hanky panky
  • Friend: right cause you have a girlfriend that's pansexual right
  • Me: exactly and as long as we're both happy with not doing the rumba naked, that's a valid relationship
  • Friend: I get it, I get it... I didn't know the entire sexual and romantic orientations were different
  • Me: yeah I know it was an eyeopener for me when I found ou-
  • Lady behind us in line: excuse me so sorry but I couldn't help but overhear but I didn't know half of what you just said and I was just wondering what that thing your girlfriend was is, pansexual?
  • Me: *awkward glance at friend* oh uh I'm not an expert or anything and uh ok so basically it's similar to being bisexual, but there's less value in what gender the one you're attracted to is, at least as I understood it. So a bisexual would be attracted to a person despite their gender, a pansexual wouldn't really care at all in a way uh I'm sorry I'm bad at explaining
  • Lady behind us in line: that's alright I can look it up myself later you gave me a general idea! So where did you find out these things, you're pretty young?
  • Me: well, Internet. Once you're a bit confused about what you might be you usually go looking for explanations...
  • Lady behind us in line: so uh in theory... It's fine if you don't know, I just want to check with you... Is there a thing called aROMANTIC? like you're asexual, is there a equivalent to the romantic orientation you mentioned?
  • Me: oh yeah, absolutely! You can be both asexual and aromantic, or aromantic and heterosexual, literally all combinations are possible!
  • Lady behind us in line: *smiles LIKE REALLY GODDAMNED GENUINELY* thank you so much, I did not know that. *fishes up phone from pocket* now if you excuse me, I'm going to call my mother and tell her I'm not crazy for never having been married or stayed with one guy for long despite being 50+ but still has three children! *steps out of line and walks off while dialing*
  • Friend: wow that was... Amazing
  • Me: see how happy she got? That's the power of right information.
  • And that's why I've been smiling since this happened.
A Simplified Guide To The Sexualities
  • Homosexual: sexual attraction to houses and other building like structures.
  • Heterosexual: an undying lust for Macklemore.
  • Asexual: attraction to any and all things beginning with the letter A.
  • Pansexual: a desire for pots, pans, and other kitchen utensils.
  • Polysexual: sexual attraction to polygons.
  • Bisexual: Attraction to the 9th century Chinese army officer Bi Shiduo.
  • Demisexual: Never ending love of demi lovato
dad and i watch captain america: the winter soldier
  • dad: oh god it's starting shut up i've been waiting for this for months
  • (movie starts)
  • dad: THESE ARE THE BICEPS OF FREEDOM
  • dad: i don't know what's happening but the french guy fighting cap looks like french macklemore
  • me: how do you even know who macklemore is?
  • dad: i'm hip. i'm cool
  • me: don't you do it
  • dad: i'm gonna pop some tags, only got 20 baguettes in my pocket
  • (five minutes later)
  • dad: is that the Falcon? that's totally the Falcon
  • me: how do you know?
  • dad: i used to read the comic books trust me on this i'm an expert. his superpower was that he could talk to birds
  • me: birds?
  • dad: i mean in hindsight it probably wasn't the most useful thing ever
  • dad: if this winter soldier is supposedly a ghost in the machine that nobody's ever seen, and nobody will ever catch, you would think showing up in broad daylight and blowing up cars would not be his modus operandi
  • dad: how the heck did he laser through concrete??
  • me: idk dad it's nick fury he can probably do whatever he wants
  • dad: i'm sorry attractive nurse who just so happens to live next door, my heart belongs to a seventy year russian dude with a bionic arm
  • me: what
  • dad:
  • dad: nick fury isn't dead. justice never dies. he probably has a billion clones in some top secret storage facility, just waiting for their organ harvest.
  • me: ew dad gross no
  • dad: i really relate to that apple store employee
  • me: we all do dad
  • dad: oh that's that guy from the first movie! i remember him! he was my favorite, his eyes were so blue, and he loved steve so much. i wanted them to get together
  • me: dad good god
  • dad: he was a little less marilyn manson at that point though
  • dad: not that guyliner isn't a good look for this guy
  • dad: when a deadly russian assassin wears eyeliner, it's 'he's so dreamy' and 'wow what a badass'
  • dad: but when i do it it's 'you're too old' and 'bald guys can't pull off make-up'
  • me: dad it was halloween and it was one time you need to let this go
  • dad: so bucky barnes, aka cute cocky guy who died in the first movie, aka steve roger's best friend/boyfriend, is a top secret super scary brainwashed hydra agent?
  • me: mmm-hm
  • dad: called it
  • dad: do you think single handedly destroying jets is just a common, everyday thing for cap? punch a few tanks, feed a few pigeons, take out a plane, help old ladies cross the street...
  • dad: captain america is like your grandad minus the booze and the cussing
  • dad: in all honesty that was a little anti-climactic
  • dad: i was 100% sure nick fury was gonna descend majestically from the heavens, 'All I do is Win' blaring in the background, and single-handedly save everyone's ass
  • dad: scarjo and chris evans are two of the most beautiful people in the world and they are both in this movie and i don't know how to feel about it i have butterflies in my stomach i'm a schoolboy again
  • me: you know on second thought we should have brought mom
  • dad: where's hawkeye? where's bruce? where's tony? where's thor? WHERE ARE ALL THE OTHER AVENGERS AS THE ENTIRETY OF SHIELD IS COMPROMISED AND NICK FURY DIES
  • me: maybe they figured steve could handle it
  • dad: maybe they're all lazy assholes
  • Me, on a date: Yeah I'm pansexual so I'm attracted to all genders.
  • Date: Haha but there's only two genders so you mean you're bisexual.
  • Me, shoving breadsticks into my purse: Sorry but I need to go home like right now, immediately.
Got7 as types of princes

Mark: the hidden away prince. Had a curse placed on him when he was born. Sneaks out of the palace and uses a fake name to adventure around. Sounds really good when announcing royal proclamations.

JB: the cool prince. Appears to be scary and there’s rumors that he slayed a dragon when he was three. Is actually a sweetheart that bows to palace staff.

Jackson: the travelling prince. Speaks more languages than all their diplomats combined. Very involved in politics and often goes out to visit his citizens. Everyone has a crush on him.

Jinyoung: the scholarly prince. Has read everything in the royal library twice. Funny at royal balls and has the best manners. Doesn’t return babies he’s handed to kiss.

Youngjae: the soft prince. Really awkward about royal duties. Prefers to be in the gardens or music hall. Attracts woodland creatures.

BamBam: the pretty prince. Designers would kill to dress him. Has at least four closets. Throws great parties. If he pierces his ears, so does everyone else.

Yugyeom: the nice prince. Choreographed the latest ballroom dance. Sipped champagne once and got found in the dungeons. Cares a lot for his citizens and is honest in nation reports.

4

Uh, so I haven’t posted my face in a while, but i do sometimes on this blog so this is me, hi? :D

Pseudo costest of Yuuri (who turned out to have more natural makeup than my usual cosplays so is also like half just normal me lol), who I’ll be cosplaying at Katsucon this coming Thurs-Sun! Will have actual cosplays then, Stammi Vicino Yuuri is my main but I also have a fem!Eros Yuuri original design <3 Was surprisingly nervous because I’ve drawn Yuuri countless times in 2D but it’s very different on your own face… ^ ^; Hopefully is passable LOL

I got my hair cut just for this today, and well it was getting a bit long anyway and saves me from having to get a lace front wig ^ ^;;

Before (yeah lopped off a fair amount):

also bonus with glasses (not cosplay glasses, actual every day glasses but eh close enough in shape at least ^ ^;)

THIS?

Originally posted by karladahmer

THIS?

Originally posted by intoxicated-witch

THIS?

Originally posted by theodorebvndy

You’re trying to tell me that THIS is not attractive? I’m done

Ok so I finally saw beauty and the beast today so HERE WE GO

-batb au EXCEPT
-except
-enjolras is the prince turned into the beast
-enjolras, who is a charming young man capable of being terrible
-(((((see what I’m saying)))))
-so then taire
-my beautiful boy
-who has so many heckin hobbies
-who knows SO MANY things
-((so many))
-but who’s always kinda disregarded as the weird dude
-grantaire who loves his mother s o much
-grantaire switched places with his mother once se gets caught be the beast
-(grantaire who completely thinks it’s his fault and won’t let his mother take the fall for it)
-fey’s lumiere and ferre’s cogsworth I just feel like I need to mention that
-les Amis are all the servants
-so les amis are trying to get them together
-grantaires a romantic who loves love stories and maybe
-just maybe
-enj starts to think they’re not so dumb anymore
-really I just want taire falling in love with enjolras not for his looks
-not because he is “”“Apollo”“”
-but because he’s a Massive Dick who also happens to be wonderful
-also I mean when enj transforms back into enj
-taire would be so fucked
-“holy shit what the fuck”
-“you didn’t mention that you are the most attractive man on the planet”
-enj: “it didn’t seem very important”

anonymous asked:

Hello! I'm a curious anon who wants to be not ignorant on asexuality cause i gotta be a good ally, so i was wondering if you could explain it? sometimes i get confused like, they say asexual people also have sex but i thought that would negate asexuality? also how do you know you're asexual, how do you know the difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction? sorry if i'm asking a lot of questions i just wanna be Educated™

hey there, sunshine!!! OK, let me explain EVERYTHING. 

hmmm.

so, asexuality is when a person does not feel sexual attraction to other people. sexual attraction is - this is kind of hard for me, as I’m ace myself, to explain it without it sounding a bit weird, maybe?! - but it’s the feeling of looking at someone and being turned on by them, I guess? the feeling of looking at them and wanting to have sex with them, and feeling aroused by the idea of having sex with them. this is something that asexual people do not feel.

this is separate from feelings of romantic attraction, which is not to do with sex and all to do with intimacy of heart - and how you express that romantic intimacy varies from person to person. for a lot of people, it involves stuff like kissing and holding hands and going on dates and flowers and stuff. pretty much, if it’s your heart going !!!!!! then it’s romantic, and if it’s your down-there lair going !!!!!!!!, then that’s sexual.

asexuality, like many sexualities, is not an absolute: it’s a spectrum! the spectrum of asexuality includes - but is not limited to - demisexuality (being attracted to someone only after a strong emotional bond has been formed with them), grey-asexuality (feeling sexual attraction to other people very rarely, or very weakly, or a combination of both), and asexuality itself, which is simply never feeling sexual attraction.

as for the question about sex negating asexuality, there are many reasons an asexual person might have sex:

  • to experience physical intimacy with someone they care about a lot, even if they are not sexually attracted to them
  • because they know their partner enjoys it, and they get enjoyment out of pleasing their partner
  • because not feeling sexual attraction doesn’t mean not feeling sexual arousal. you can be asexual but still want to have sex, it’s just that you’re not able to find someone you particularly want to have sex with. I’ve seen an analogy that goes like this: you know that feeling where you’re hungry, and you open the cupboard, and everything you see you’re like… nah… but you’re still hungry? yeah, that. eventually you might end up eating something that you don’t feel especially drawn to, just because you’re hungry.
  • because sex can be really fun! even if you’re not attracted to your partner, sex can be enjoyable (and I am speaking from experience here)
  • to have kids! some asexual people want to raise a family.
  • on a less positive note, society kind of demands sex of people. it’s seen as a young person’s rite of passage, as the cementing of romantic feelings, as a given in any long-term relationship. it’s something that friends bond over, their sex stories; it’s part of drinking games, it’s often part of TV and books and movies, it’s a whole world that demands to be understood or else you risk feeling like - and being treated like - a child. asexual people may feel pressured to have sex, even when not wanting to, just to fit in. this is a not-cool reason.

that is absolutely not an exhaustive list but hopefully it gives you some idea of some reasons why ace people might have sex! still very much asexual before, during, and after.

lastly, you ask how people know they’re asexual… this one is kind of hard to answer. personally, I figured it out pretty late. I’d always assumed that everyone was kind of deciding to be attracted to people, like I was, and it was only after some revealing conversations with friends that I realised - no, most people don’t have to try to force attraction with decisions, it just happens naturally. 

often, the Realisation Process begins with doing a little bit of reading and recognising yourself in the things you’re learning! if you want to know more, I seriously recommend AVEN - click here! - a website which has a crap ton of info!! thank you for your question, I appreciate you wanting to learn and be a good ally - it makes all the difference to have educated, accepting allies out there in the big wide world. you’re wonderful, and hope I helped! <3

Finally got around to watching Everybody Wants Some and just wow Hoech … 

Originally posted by ryvetted4

Wow …

Originally posted by sterekfanforever

I mean … 

Originally posted by ryvetted4

C’mon!

Originally posted by stilesandderek

This moment was actually my favourite, with that shit-eating grin and the baseball get-up… *swoons*

Originally posted by somanysituations

(He touched a girls breast in the movie and I just whispered to myself, ‘i wish i was that boob’, oh the things its seen! THE THINGS ITS TOUCHED). 

Okay so I feel like I need to talk about this because I noticed a really biphobic comment on my art. I’m keeping the person anonymous and the comment brief out of respect but it was something like “Lance don’t bother with girls, just accept you’re gay.”

This really hit a nerve.. so I have to address this, I’m sorry… I want to clarify that I don’t tolerate biphobia. Lance’s attraction to women is STILL just as valid as his attraction to men REGARDLESS of who he ends up with. The fortune teller saying that Lance won’t find “him” in any woman is meant to just be a hint and give him some kind of closure since she can’t give the identity away otherwise it might mess up things. I’ve heard so many times that “bisexuality isn’t real because in the end you pick a side anyways.” I mean.. yeah… you choose one person in the end… that’s how a monogamous marriage works. Just because Keith is who Lance ends up with (in the comic, I should say) doesn’t make his attraction to women somehow invalid. I’ve been seeing the fandom do this to Lance a lot lately, a character I love and relate to and I wanna say… he likes girls too. Let him like girls.