i'm so glad no one else will ever let him forget this story

daintylt  asked:

hiyaaa, so i'm kinda in the mood for long but good fics with lots of character development, could you please link me to any? thank you love!!

Hello! Hope you enjoy:

Love Endless (The Road to Recollection) by wubwubnparmaham:

Summary: The year is groovy 1973, and eighteen-year-old Louis Tomlinson is perhaps the gayest teen to ever grace the gloomy, hateful town of Fortwright. Would be fine if he wasn’t so viciously bullied at both home and school for such a “harmful” sexual preference.Yeah, yeah, we’ve all heard this story, haven’t we?

Believe him, Louis didn’t think he was anything special either.

Until he found the mansion. The notoriously haunted mansion hidden deep within the forests of his tiny blip of a town in Bumfuck Nowhere, Idaho. No one with a brain ever goes near it, but Louis could use a little excitement in his life…and possibly a Band-Aid or two.

After discovering the mansion was less abandoned than he’d thought, he’s now left with the most riveting mystery of a lifetime; every new finding leaving him with more questions. Who is this elusive owner, and why won’t they show themselves? Why is there a set of journals in the same handwriting that span over centuries? Why in the world is there a padlock on the refrigerator…and who the hell is Alexander?

All Tired Talk by orphan_account:

Summary: In which Harry is the dying front man of a dying rock band, Zayn has finally given up holding his hair back in dingy bathrooms, Niall and Liam are holding up the fort, and Louis comes along with eyes the color of the sky to remind Harry that there is still more life to live.

i have your dreams (and your teeth marks) by aloequeera:

Summary: He remembers how they were, always, Louis and Harry, Harry and Louis. He remembers the late nights and the lie ins, all the words they gave each other. He remembers how Harry would look at him like he hung the moon, and like he knew Louis’d done it just for him. He remembers it all. The problem, he thinks, is that he remembers how it fell apart, too.

Pinkies Never Lie by emma1234:

Summary: “I just think if we’re both into it and neither of us is looking for something serious, why not?” Harry asks, eyes soft and voice sweet. He pauses and gives Louis a moment or two to answer.

There are countless reasons why Louis shouldn’t agree to this, but in the end, none of them really matter. This will end with Louis in pieces, but he’s been in love with Harry for four years. There was only ever one answer.

“Yeah,” Louis answers finally, hoping his voice sounds normal. “Why not?”

AU in which Louis hates his job and loves Harry, Harry just wants a distraction, everyone else wants them to get their shit together, and Louis learns the hard way that new beginnings are only possible when something ends.

Taken Over By The Feeling by whyidontknow1:

Summary: After almost a year of increasingly troubling behavior, Louis agrees to let his sister live with him. It’s a last resort before more drastic measures are taken by their mom.

Harry Styles runs Given A Chance, a program for troubled and disadvantaged teens out of the bakery he owns. He offers the kids in his program what he believes they need to start on a different and better path for their lives.

Louis learns all too quickly that Harry’s goodwill does not extend to him. Only because he happens to remind Harry of an ex he’d rather forget. It’s not the smoothest of beginnings, but in the end Louis’ own issues might be the real problem.

wings to break your fall by karamelised:

Summary: “I’m glad you like my clothes,” Harry whispers, sliding his arms further along the couch until he’s speaking directly into Louis’ ear. “Would you like me to take them off?”

or strip club AU. Harry’s work and family are keeping him busy. He really isn’t looking for a relationship, doesn’t want one. He just wants Louis. Problem is, Louis has other plans.

Featuring: spilled drinks, meddling mums, accidental insults, a pivotal plot point masquerading as a private dance, Harry with wings, slow morning sex, a secret relationship, and tea that fixes everything.

Hideaway. by arrowtomyheart:

Summary: Harry is in a borderline abusive relationship which ends after the news that Harry’s pregnant. He is homeless for the night and travels 3 hours on the train to turn up at his best friend’s Liam’s house unexpectedly for somewhere to stay. He meets Louis, Liam’s flatmate, and they discover that they have more in common that anyone would expect. They fall in love.

Such Good Luck by casuallyhl:

Summary: Louis smiles at Harry’s words, leaning into his touch. “Tell me again.”

Smiling, Harry takes Louis into his arms. Pressing gentle kisses to his face, Harry murmurs, “In six months’ time, I will have my twenty-fifth birthday. On that day, my portion of the inheritance will become legally mine. And I plan that very day to announce to my family that I have found love.” Harry chuckles as he runs his lips lightly along Louis’ cheekbone. “That, in fact, I found love when I was twenty-one years old, and that I have loved and been loved every day since.”

Or, an Edwardian AU where Harry is a young aristocratic lord and Louis is a working class dairy farmer. Secrets are a necessary part of their relationship, but Louis has one that could topple their whole world.

Pour Your Heart Out by hrrytomlinson:

Summary: Louis is his soulmate. Or at least Harry thinks he is. Louis feels the same as Louis. But there are a lot of people named Louis in the world and this Louis might not be the Louis. It’s besides the point though, because Harry knows he can’t allow himself to get close to any boys. He just can’t and he’s told himself this multiple times. He has to simply stay away from Louis Tomlinson. But he can’t. Harry Styles can never stay away from Louis Tomlinson. It’s physically impossible for him to.

When We Were Younger by waytoomanypeopleintheaddisonlee (dinosaursmate):

Summary: About a week after Harry started visiting this particular chat room, he was watching some kid argue with the whole room about football, personally disinterested as he tipped a bag of crisps into his mouth. He happily chomped on the crumbs, taking a swig from a glass of Ribena to wash them down, glancing at the screen and very nearly spat the squash back out again.

His heart was pounding wildly. The display icon of the argumentative newcomer had caught his eye, and not in a good way. He gulped as he clicked the picture, and when it popped up in full resolution, his heart nearly fell right out of his arse.

Sixteen year old Harry Styles’ world turns upside down when he logs on to gay teen chat to discover somebody has stolen his photos and used them as their own.

anonymous asked:

I need to sit down please someone hold me this new miraculous fic is just 👌👌👌👌 I'm in love please help I need more ml 💕💕🐞🐱

DON’T SAY THAT WHEN I’M WEAK AND CAN’T FIGHT THIS AU DAMNIT

I wrote this smallish drabble for you, please enjoy

Links:

BEAUTIFUL fanart by emthimofnight that sparked this whole au

Miraculous x Hunter tag with other drabbles, asks, etc & the ao3 series page


“What’s your best friend like?” 

Gon nearly let go of his yo-yo in shock. He leaned off the wall he was climbing just enough to stare down at Chat with wide eyes.

“What?” Chat asked.

“You…you asked me about my personal life. You.”

The leather-clad teen shrugged. “Sometimes I get curious too, you know. But if you don’t want to talk about it-”

“No!” Gon yelped. “I do! I definitely do! I’m just- I’m really surprised, that’s all. But I don’t mind talking about him.”

Gon never minded talking about Killua. He loved Killua, ever since they had met all those years ago. It had been pure coincidence that they had both been in the park that day, at that exact moment, shortly after Gon had moved into the area with Aunt Mito and his grandmother from Whale Island.

But meeting Killua- becoming friends, making matching bracelets, fighting for each other against bullies and Killua’s parents, not caring who judged them as long as they were together- was something that felt a lot like destiny. 

And he knew Killua felt the same.

“Okay.” Chat’s bright smile broke through Gon’s thoughts and his breath caught in his throat at the simple sight. “Go ahead and tell me, then. Is your friend really similar to you? Or different? It can’t picture anyone crazy enough to keep up with you in normal life.”

“You’re so mean, Chat,” Gon whined and his partner let out a bark of laughter.

Gon turned his attention back to the yo-yo and with a huff, started to pull himself up again. He could hear the scratch and scrape of Chat’s claws as he scaled the wall just below Gon’s feet.

“My friend’s not really like me at all, actually,” Gon confessed. “He’s really snappish most of the time. And he’s closed off about a lot of things, especially his family. He hates waking up before noon and he’s addicted to sweet stuff. But…”

“But?” Chat grunted to his right.

Gon closed his eyes from the sprawling city of Yorknew as it stretched out before them. Instead, behind his eyelids, he saw a skinny boy with alabaster skin and slanted midnight-blue eyes, a mess of white hair and a grin sharp enough to cut through steel.

A swell of adoration and love of his best friend swept through him, and it took Gon a moment to compose himself.

“But I think he’s brilliant,” Gon confessed lowly, his complete and total affection for Killua Zoldyck turning the tone of his voice awed and heavy. “He’s fast and brave and smart. Like, really, really smart; he’s good at pretty much everything! He could’ve left me behind a long time ago, actually. But he never turns me away no matter what. We do everything together.”

“Everything, huh?”

Gon opened his eyes, then blinked rapidly to adjust to the bright sunlight. Chat was several feet above up than him now. His partner’s lips quirked upward as he tugged at Gon’s yo-yo string playfully.

“Too bad your friend can’t help you get to the top of Heavens Arena before me,” Chat teased and Gon gasped.

“Hey! You distracted me on purpose!”

Chat snorted. “As if. S’not my fault you got wrapped up in story telling. Plus…”

Chat’s expression shifted into something softer, more gentle. There was a kind of warmth in his face that Gon had rarely seen before and his heart did a strange little flip.

“Plus,” Chat said, sounding almost distant. “We all have that one person who means more to us than anything else- someone so important, they make up a part of you that can’t be replaced.”

Chat glanced back down. Something inside Gon melted as that intense blue gaze focused totally on him. Chat’s voice was sincere as he said, “I’m glad you have someone like that, Ladybug.”

Gon swallowed thickly, mouth suddenly dry. He asked quietly, “Do you have someone like that too, Chat?”

A bright kind of light entered Chat’s eyes. “Yeah. I do.”

A strong breeze swept up the side of Heavens Arena. Gon shivered as goosebumps broke out across his skin under his suit. 

“Race you to the top!” Chat yelled out. He had twisted around and begun to scramble up the wall again before Gon could blink.

“Ah- HEY!” Gon hollered. Chat had made him forget! Again!

But the wonderful, addicting sound of Chat’s laughter was enough to make him not mind the disadvantage. Chat would make it to the top first, they would joke around for a while, and Gon would fight the building desire inside him to learn more, to press Chat for more hints about his civilian life and every little detail that made him Chat. Just like usual.

And after Gon would transform and head back home- back to Killua. Because while Chat was the adrenaline in Gon’s blood and the racing of his heartbeat, Killua was soft blankets and mint toothpaste and a shoulder Gon could rest on when he got too tired to sit up straight anymore.

Killua was home. And Gon wouldn’t have it any other way.

Only You

Words: 1.7k

Summary: You and Castiels friendship becomes complicated.

Warnings: Angst, character death

A/N: This kind of hurt to write. I was listening to “Only You” by Selena Gomez (not my usual style, but whatevs) after watching 13 Reasons Why and this oneshot just kind of happened. Constructive feedback is always appreciated. If you’d like to be added to my master tag list, send me an ask or DM.

—————

Castiel smiled as he watched you giggle and the story Sam was telling about the first time he and Dean hustled pool.

Your smile, your laugh, your entire being made Castiels heart flutter. He had been aware of the idea of love for his entire existence, but this was the first time he really felt it. Too bad he was an angel and angels were never supposed to fall in love.

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z-hard  asked:

Hello! I actually don't have anything specific that I want because I basically pretty content with anything you write! But maybe anything about my precious son Takao? Either Midorima's evil twin/7284's PoV of what made him interested in him (thought I presume it would be little disturbing) OR the more light-hearted one like Kageyama's PoV of his newly friendship with Takao. But ultimately, anything with Takao would be fine ^o^ Thank you so much!

When Takao Kazunari pulls him into a game of “volley-basketball,” Kageyama doesn’t really think too much about it. He’s still reeling a little by what happened at the Special Diet, and he’s not entirely sure how he should be acting around the Aoba Johsai team. He knows he owes Oikawa big for this one, and there’s certainly some…mixed feelings there… but he’s not entirely sure how he should act around Kindaichi and Kunimi, who also came to show their support.

He really, really doesn’t want to feel like he owes them anything.

“Heads up!” Takao shouts, tossing the ball at Kageyama, who immediately sets it on instinct.

Takao laughs, “Oh man, did you do that as a reflex? You were totally zoning out a minute ago!”

“Were you trying to hit me in the head?” Kageyama asks suspiciously.

“Of course not,” Takao says, whistling innocently.

*

“So what’s with you and turnip head?” Takao asks after their current round comes to an end. “You keep glaring at each other.”

Kageyama shrugs, not wanting to get into it with someone he just met. “We went to middle school together.” He scowls. “Middle school kind of sucked.”

“Oh man, tell me about it,” Takao says. “Middle school is the worst.” He doesn’t ask anymore questions, and Kageyama appreciates that.

*

They exchange numbers by the end of the day at Takao’s insistence, and Kageyama isn’t expecting to ever talk to this guy again. Takao laughs a lot, and Kageyama has never known what to do with good natured people. But somehow it doesn’t surprise him as much as it otherwise might have when Takao does end up texting him, and emailing him, and suddenly he has a penpal in Tokyo and life is very strange.

*

“Green’s boyfriend?” Hinata asks, once he notices Kageyama texting. Kageyama just stares at him blankly. “Midorima,” Hinata clarifies.

“Oh. Yeah. I guess.”

Hinata scrunches his nose up in thought. He’s clearly confused, instead of jealous (like someone else might be, when finding out their boyfriend had prolonged email exchanges with some other guy). “What do you guys even talk about?”

Kageyama just shrugs. “Our games, mostly.” The only thing they really have in common is the fact that they’re both dating Miracles. But even that experience is so vastly different it’s not like they could even compare. Kageyama’s not even sure how they talk so often, but they do.

“Weird,” Hinata says, and then shrugs the whole issue aside.

It is weird, Kageyama agrees silently.

*

When Midorima and a few of the other Miracles visit Hinata, Kageyama tries to leave them alone. He figures, some things can really only be shared between them—the ones who were in Teiko together, and it’s really best to let have their privacy.

Takao must agree, because he drags Kageyama away and demands they go sightseeing. Which is all well and good, up until they run into Kindaichi and Kunimi, who are out shopping. The three Kitagawa Daiichi alumni all stare awkwardly at each other, and if Kageyama was by himself, he’d probably pretend he didn’t see the other guys and the other guys would have probably gone along with it.

“Takao Kazunari,” Takao introduces himself. He’s wearing his Shutoku uniform, so it’s obvious he doesn’t go to Karasuno, which explains Kunimi’s question, “How do you know Kageyama?

“We dated in middle school,” Takao says brightly, before Kageyama can respond.

“You—you did not!” Kindiachi says hotly. “You didn’t go to Kitagawa Daiichi!”

“Nope, it was a long distance thing,” Takao says.

“Kageyama was not dating anyone then,” Kunimi says.

“You didn’t tell them about your adorable boyfriend?” Takao says good-naturedly outraged, “He was so shy back then! And such an adorable stud, I really should have locked this one in when I could.” Takao then launches into such a convincing narrative about their long-distance middle school romance Kageyama almost forgets for a second that it never happened.

*

“What was the point of that?” Kageyama asks. Kunimi and Kindaichi had walked away scowling, and that was pretty satisfying, but he’s not sure why Takao did it.

Takao shrugs. “I told you I had a rough time during middle school. There was a time when it was easy to pretend I had a long-distance boyfriend, just so people—well, just so some people knew I’d moved on and they couldn’t get to me, I guess. I just thought maybe you’d benefit from having an imaginary ex-boyfriend too.”

Kageyama thinks about this, and it occurs to him that having an imaginary boyfriend might have actually been a good coping mechanism back then, had it occurred to him at the time. “Thanks,” he says, a little awkwardly.

“Anytime. Ooh! I’m totally going to tell Shin-chan and Hinata we used to date, that would be amazing!”

Kageyama rolls his eyes. “Hinata would never believe you.”



A/N: Thanks friend!! I’m so glad you submitted a prompt =D I wanted to write something lighthearted so I chose your second prompt (since anon-friend also wanted to see this story, it helped tip things in favor of this one, so thanks anon-friend!!) and yet somehow it ended up slightly angsty anyway. I once came up with an idea for a story I didn’t end up writing (and most likely never will) where Kageyama and Takao had faked-dated each other in middle school, so this was a slight homage to that story I never wrote. Thank you both!!! =D

Navigator and Wild Card

hiru and Impostor for dangan thieves AU

A lot of extra sass quotes for Mahiru because navi’s talk a lot apparently and Twogami has a different kind of mementos chats hmm…

“A gun’s not that different from a camera… Just point and shoot.“

“Current society needs reformation and I shall lead the revolution!“

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anonymous asked:

Lucio x reader Soulmate AU? Or possibly just headcanons for him in a Soulmate AU? I'm fine with either one, just get Lucio and Soulmate stuff involved, please.

Poor Lucio has been sadly neglected here.

  • Lucio doesn’t really have a lot of time to search for soulmates between fighting Vishkar and going on tour. 
  • Unfortunately being popular gives him a lot of creepy fans, some of them will try and fake having his name on their wrist. For this reason he keeps his mark hidden.
  • He doesn’t mind too much because hey he’s still pretty young, and you’ve got to know who he is so surely you’ll find each other, right? Besides, he wants to make this a world a place where you two can live together safely, without Vishkar or Talon messing things up.
  • He was raised with the belief that soulmates will always be perfect for each other, but as he’s grown he’s seen cases where that’s just not the case. He’s still incredibly optimistic, but sometimes he worries that you won’t be interested -either because you don’t care about the name on your wrist, or don’t want to deal with being his soulmate.
  • When he joins Overwatch, he’s so excited about all the good they can do. He’s the best morale boost the team’s ever had.
  • But sometimes it gets a little tiring, and when that happens he traces your name on his wrist, and gets a boost from imagining you, proud of him for doing his best to help the world -one person is a lot easier to conceptualise then the entire human race.
  • He’s informed of a new recruit coming in and asks for their name and when he hears it’s you he’s. So freaking stoked. Announces it to the entire base, hums and plays music everywhere, wonders if he should prepare a new song for your arrival but that might be a little creepy, best to wait and see what your tastes are first and what you’re like, should he tell his fans or not he doesn’t want you getting hate mail, cartwheels through the whole base, the other team members are exhausted just looking at him.
  • In the hours before your arrival he’s still super excited but very nervous. I mean, it’s rare, but soulmates meeting at the wrong time or in the wrong circumstances happen, and there’s horror stories about them ending up hating each other. 
  • The entire base teases him and tries to get him to calm down. Who wouldn’t love him, honestly?
  • You of course know full well that Lucio will be at the base, and you’re super excited too. When you land it’s just him there because everyone else decided to give you two some privacy.
  • He’s still a little nervous but that disappears when you give him the biggest grin, leaping from the back of the carrier onto the ground and hurrying over.
  • He skates right up to you (probably speed boosts) and hugs you, knocking you both to the floor. You’re both laughing so hard you don’t mind.
  • Technically he’s supposed to give you a tour of the base but you just stay there talking, sitting in the hangar and holding hands. You tell him how much you love his music, how it made you feel close to him, and Lucio just grins, because he’s so glad he’s found you, that you’ve found him, that it’s as great and beautiful as everyone said it would be..
  • He tugs you along behind him eventually to introduce everybody to his totally perfect soulmate. There’s a lot of exasperated comments about young love, but the time is happy for you both. Reinhardt congratulates you on finding each other so young.
  • He loves that you can keep up with him, and that you can keep him from getting overwhelmed. He loves your drive to help others and you’re amazing on the battlefield together.
  • He composes so many songs for and about you. Some he shares with the world, others are just for you. 
  • He will never let you forget for a moment that he loves you.
  • psychic: *reads my mind*
  • me: Onward, Chauncey! To the highest room of the tallest tower... ...where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Oharming! This is worse than "Love Leters". I hate dinner theater! Me, too. Whoa there, Chauncey! Hark! The brave Prince Harming approacheth. Fear not, fair maiden. I shall slay the monster that guards you... ...then take my place as rightful king. What did she say? It's Shrek! Whoo, Shrek, yeah! Prepare, foul beast... ...to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar! Happy birthday to thee Happy birthday to thee Do you mind? Do you mind? Boring! Prepare, foul beast... Someday you'll be sorry. We already are! Mommy... You're right. I can't let this happen. I can't! I am the rightful King of Far Far Away. And I promise you this, Mother... ...I will restore dignity to my throne. And this time, no one will stand in my way. Good morning. Good morning. Morning breath. I know. Isn't it wonderful? Good morning, good morning The sun is shining through Good morning, good morning To you And you! And you! They grow up so fast. Not fast enough. You'll be filling in for the King and Queen. Several functions require your attendance, sir. Great! Let's get started. Come on, lazybones. Time to get moving! You need to get a pair ofjammies. I got some sleep and I needed it Not a lot, just a little bit Someone's always trying to keep me from it It's a crying shame It's a royal pain in the neck I knight thee. If you're filling in for a king, you should look like one. Can somebody come in and work on Shrek? I will see what I can do. Yeah, wow. Is this really necessary? Quite necessary, Fiona. - I'm Shrek, you twit. - Whatever. This isn't a rehearsal, peoples. Let's see some hustle! Smiles, everyone! Smiles! I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I'm sorry, but can you just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. Shrek? You look handsome. Come here, you. My but is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit. Hey, you! Come here. What's your name? Fiddlesworth, sir. Perfect. Ladies and gentlemen... ...Princess Fiona and Sir Shrek! Ahh! You've got it. A little to the left. That's it! That's good. Oh, yeah! Scratch that thing! You're on it. Shrek! My eye! What are you doing? Fiona! - Are you okay? - Yeah. I'm fine. Shrimp! My favorite! - That's it! We're leaving! - Calm down. Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre. I'm not cut out for this, Fiona, and I never will be. I think that went well. Donkey! Come on, Shrek! Some people just don't understand boundaries. Just think. A couple more days and we'll be back home... ...in our vermin-filled shack strewn with fungus... ...and filled with the stench of mud and neglect. You had me at "vermin-filled". And, um... maybe even the piter-pater of little feet on the floor. That's right, the swamp rats will be spawning. Uh, no. What I'm thinking of is a little bigger than a swamp rat. Donkey? No, Shrek. What if, theoretically... ...they were little ogre feet? Honey, let's be rational about this. Have you seen a baby lately? They just eat and poop, and they cry... ...then they cry when they poop and poop when they cry. Now, imagine an ogre baby. They extra-cry and they extra-poop. Shrek, don't you ever think about having a family? Right now, you're my family. Somebody better be dying. I'm dying. Harold? Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian. Of course, darling. Fiona. Yes, Daddy? I know I made many mistakes with you. It's okay. But your love for Shrek has... ...taught me much. My dear boy... ...I am proud to call you my son. And I'm proud to call you my frog... ...King dad-in-law. Now there is a mater of business to attend to. The Frog King... is dead. Put your hat back on, fool. Shrek... ...please come hither. Yeah, Dad? This kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne. Next in line. You see, Dad, that's why people love you. Even on your deathbed, you're still making jokes. Come on, Dad. An ogre as king? That's not such a good idea. There must be somebody else. Anybody! Aside from you, there is only one remaining heir. Really? Who is he, Dad? His name is... ...is... What's his name? ...is... Daddy! His name is Arthur. Arthur? I know you'll do... ...what's right. Harold? Dad? Dad! Dad? Do your thing, man. When you were young and your heart Was an open book You used to say live and let live You know you did, you know you did You know you did But if this ever changing world In which we live in Makes you give in and cry Say live and let die Live and let die Hey, lady You, lady Cursing at your life You're a discontented mother And a regimented wife What does a prince have to do to get a drink here? Ah, Mabel! Why they call you an ugly stepsister, I'll never know. Where's Doris? Taking the night off? She's not welcome here, and neither are you. What do you want, Harming? Not much. Just a chance at redemption. And a Fuzzy Navel. And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends! We're not your friends. You don't belong here. You're absolutely right, but, I mean, do any of us? Do a number on his face. Wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. Wicked Witch! The Seven Dwarfs saved Snow White, and what happened? Oh, what's it to you? They left you the unfairest of them all. Now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel? Pretty unfair. And you! Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father. I hate that little wooden puppet. And Hook. Need I say more? - And you, Frumpypigskin! - Rumpelstiltskin. Where's that firstborn you were promised? Mabel. Remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot... ...into that tiny glass slipper? Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now... ...eating bonbons, cavorting with every last fairy tale creature... ...that has ever done you wrong! Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story... ...and our side has not been told! So who will join me? Who wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their... ..."happily ever after"? This way, gents. It's out of my hands, senorita. The winds of fate have blown on my destiny. But I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. As are you. And, uh, you. I don't know you, but I'd like to. I got to go! I don't wanna leave you either. But you know how Shrek is. The dude's lost without me. But don't worry. I'll send you airmail kisses every day! Be strong, babies. Coco, Peanut, listen to your mama. Bananas, no roasting marshmallows on your sister's head. That's my special boy! Come here, all of you! Give your daddy a big hug! Shrek? Maybe you should just stay and be King. Come on. There's no way I could run a kingdom. That's why your cousin Arthur is a perfect choice. It's not that. You see... And if he gives me trouble, I always have persuasion and reason. Here's persuasion... and here's reason. Fiona... ...soon it's just going to be you, me... ...and our swamp. It's not going to be just you and me. All aboard! It will be. I promise. I love you. That's lovely. Bye-bye, babies! Shrek! - Wait! - What is it? I'm... I'm... I love you, too, honey! No! I said I'm... You're what? I said I'm pregnant! What was that? You're going to be a father! That's great! Really? I'm glad you think so! I love you! Yeah! Me, too! You! I'm going to be an uncle! I'm going to be an uncle! And you, my friend, are royally... Home. Shrek! Fiona! Fiona? Oh, no. Better out than in, I always say. No, no, no! It's okay. It's gonna be all right. Stop! Hey, wait! Donkey. Donkey! Wake up! Dada! Shrek! Are you okay? I can't believe I'm going to be a father. How did this happen? Allow me to explain. When a man has feelings for a woman... ...a powerful urge sweeps over him. I know how it happened. I just can't believe it. How does it happen? And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon Little Boy Blue and the Man in the Moon When you coming home, son? I don't know when But we'll get together then, Dad. Donkey! Can you just cut to the part where you're supposed to make me feel better? You know I love Fiona, boss. Right? What I am talking about is you, me, my cousin's boat... ...an ice cold pitcher of mojitos and two weeks of nothing but fishing. Don't listen to him! Having a baby isn't going to ruin your life. It's not my life I'm worried about ruining, it's the kid's. When have you ever heard the phrase "as sweet as an ogre"... ...or "as nurturing as an ogre"... ...or "You'll love my dad. He's a real ogre." Okay. I get it. It's not going to be easy. But you got us to help you. That's true. I'm doomed. You'll be fine. You're finished. Uh, with your journey "Wor-ces-ters-shiree"? Now that sounds fancy! It's Worcestershire. Like the sauce? It's spicy! They must be expecting us. What in the shista-shire kind of place is this? Well, my stomach aches and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school. High school? Ready? Okay! Wherefore art thou headed, to the top? Yeah, we think so, we think so! And dost thou thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay, we thinkst not, we thinkst not! All right, Mr. Percival, ease up on the reins. For lo, bro, don't burn all my frankincense and myrrh. I'm feeling nauseous from memories of wedgies and swirlies! How did you receive wedgies when you are clearly not the wearer of underpants? Let's just say some things are beter left unsaid. So I was all like, "I'd rather get the black plague than go out with you." - Oh, totally. - Pardon me. - Totally ew-eth. - Yeah, totally. I just altered my character level to +3 superb-ability. Hi. We're looking for someone named... Who rolled a +9 dork spell and summoned the beast and his quadruped? I know you're busy not fiting in, but can you tell me where I can find Arthur? He's over there. There is no sweeter taste on thy tongue than victory! Strong, handsome, face of a leader. Does Arthur look like a king or what? Sorry. Did you say you were looking for Arthur? That information is on a need-to-know basis. It's top secret! Now, gentlemen, let's away. To the showers! Greetings, Your Majesty. This is your lucky day. What are you supposed to be? Some kind of giant mutant leprechaun or something? Giant mutant... You made a funny. Unhand me, monster! Stop squirming, Arthur. I'm not Arthur. I am Lancelot. That dork over there is Arthur. This is, like, totally embarrassing... ...but Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly. She thought perchance thou would ask her to the Homecoming Dance. Excuse me? Like, whatever. She's into college guys and mythical creatures. Oh, Arthur... ...come out, come out, wherever you are! You beter run, you litle punk no-goodniks! The days of Donkey Dumpy Drawers are over! Hold it. We're here for the mascot contest. We're here for the mascot contest, too. This is a costume? Worked on it all night long. Looks prety real to me. If he were real, could I do this? Or this? If it were real, that would have been agonizingly painful. - Now watch this! - That's quite enough, boys. Thank you to Professor Primbotom and his lecture... ...on "just say nay". And now, without further ado, let's give a warm Worcestershire hoozah... ...to the winner of our mascot contest, the... ...ogre? That's right. I'm the new mascot. So let's really try and beat the other guys at... ...whatever it is they're doing! This is all a bit unorthodox... Where can I find Arthur Pendragon? Hey, wait... Olassic. You should be ashamed of yourself! I didn't do it. They did. Please don't eat me. Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! I'm not here to eat him! Time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You're the new King of Far Far Away. What? Artie a king? More like the Mayor of Loserville! Burn. Is this for real? Absolutely. Olean out your locker, kid. You have a kingdom to run. So, wait... l'm really the only heir? The one and only. Give me a second. My good people... ...there's a lesson here for all of us. Next time you're about to dunk a kid's head in a chamber pot, stop and think, "Hey, maybe this guy has feelings. Maybe I should cut him some slack. 'Oause maybe... just maybe... ...this guy's gonna turn out to be, I don't know, a king? Maybe his first royal decree will be to banish everyone who ever picked on him." I'm looking at you, jousting team! And Guin? Oh, Guin. I've always loved you. Good friends, it breaks my heart, but... ...enjoy your stay here in prison while I rule the free world! Okay, let's not overdo it. I'm building my city, people... on rock 'n' roll! You just overdid it. Look at you! You look darling. Just precious. Look at her. Any cravings since you got pregnant? No. Not at all. Do you smell ham? It's present time! Fiona, please open mine first. It's the one in front. "Oongratulations on your new mess mak..." Oh, mess maker! "Hopefully this helps. Love, Oinderella." - Look at that! - What is it? It's for the poopies. Wait... babies poop? Everyone poops, Beauty. Fiona! We all chipped in for a litle present, too. Ta-da! You know the baby will love it, because I do! Guys, that's so sweet. Thank you. Who's this one from? I got you the biggest one, because I love you most. "Have one on me. Love, Snow White." What is it? He's a live-in babysiter. Where's the baby? You're too kind, Snow, but I can't accept this. It's nothing. I have six more at home. - What does he do? - Oleaning. - Feeding. - Burping. So, what are Shrek and I supposed to do? Work on your marriage. Thanks, Rapunzel. What's that supposed to mean? Oome on now, Fiona. You know what happens. You're tired all the time. You start leting yourself go. Stretch marks. Say goodbye to romance. I'm sorry, but how many of you have kids? She's right! A baby will only strengthen the love Shrek and Fiona have. How did Shrek react when you told him? When he first found out, Shrek said... Onward, my new friends! To our happily ever afters! Now... bombs away! Well, well, well. If it isn't Peter Pan. - His name's not Peter. - Shut it, Wendy. Enough pillaging! To the castle! You go! Take care of the baby! Everybody stay calm! We're going to die! Everyone in! Now! Oome on! Put some back into it! We don't have time. Now go! Quickly, ladies! We'll hold them off as long as we can! Where are Shrek and Fiona? The name doesn't ring a bell. No bell. I suggest you freaks cooperate... ...with the new King of Far Far Away! The only thing you're ever gonna be king of is King of the Stupids! - Hook! - Right! Avast, ye cookie. Start talking. - Gingy! - Papa! Setle down now. On the good ship Lollipop It's a sweet trip to the candy shop You! You can't lie. So tell me, puppet... where is Shrek? Well... I don't know where he's not. You don't know where Shrek is? It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume... ...that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect. So you do know where he is! On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way, with any amount of uncertainty... Stop it! ...I do not know where he shouldn't be. If that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was, it could mean... On the good ship Lollipop Enough! Shrek went off to bring back the next heir! He's bringing back the next heir? No! Hook! Get rid of this new "King". But bring Shrek to me. I have something special in mind for him. He'll never fall for your tricks! Oh, boy. I can't believe it. Me, a king? I knew I came from royalty, but... ...I figured everyone forgot about me. Oh, no. In fact the King asked for you personally. Really? Wow. But I know it's not all fun and games. It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the botle. Any idiot can hit a boat with a botle. Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks. This is going to be huge. Parties, princesses, castles. Princesses. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. The finest chefs will wait for your order. And fortunately, you'll have the royal food tasters. What do they do? Taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned. - Poisoned? - Or too salty. Don't worry. Your bodyguards will keep you safe. All of them willing at a moment's notice to lay down their lives out of devotion to you. Really? The whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance. Make sure they don't die of famine! - Or plague. - Plague is bad. The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores. Festering sores! You are one funny kity cat. What did I say? We don't want Artie geting the wrong idea. Artie? There goes my hip! Artie! What are you doing? What does it look like?! This really isn't up to you. I don't know anything about being king! You'll learn on the job! Sorry, but I'm going back. Back to what? Being a loser? Now look what you did! Look what I did? _ Who's holding the wheel, chief? Shrek! Land ho! How humiliating. Oh, nice going, Your Highness. Now it's "Your Highness"? What happened to "loser"? If you think this is geting you out of anything, it isn't. We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another... ...and you're going to be a father! What? You just said "father". King! You're going to be king! "You're going to be king!" Yeah, right. Where are you going? Far Far Away... from you! Get back here, young man! Boss? I don't think he's coming back. Maybe it's for the best. He's not exactly king material. When did you plan to tell him you were supposed to be king? Oome on. Why would I do that? Besides, he'll be ten times beter at it than me. Then change your tactics if you want to get anywhere with him. You're right, Donkey. What about this? - Shrek! - Oome on. It's just a joke. Still... Listen, Artie. If you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude. I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof. But what I am screamin' is, yo... ...check out this kazing thazing, bazaby! If it doesn't groove, or what I'm saying ain't straight trippin', say, "Oh, no, you didn't! You're geting on my last nerve." And then I'll know it's... I'll know it's wack! Help! I've been kidnapped by a monster who's trying to relate to me! - Artie, wait. - Oome on! Help! Hello? Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare to... I knew I should have got that warranty! Mr. Merlin? You know this guy? Yeah. He was the school magic teacher, until he had his nervous breakdown. Technically, I was merely a victim of a level 3 fatigue. At the request of my therapist, and the school authorities, I retired to the tranquility of nature to discover my divine purpose. Oan I interest anyone in a snack or beverage? Uh, no. Sure you don't want to try my Rock Au Gratin? It's organic. Thanks. I ate a boulder on the way in. We need directions to Far Far Away. "We"? Who said I was going with you? I did. People are counting on you, so don't try to weasel out of it. If the job's so great, you do it. Understand this, kid. No more Mr. Nice Guy from here on out. That was your Mr. Nice Guy? Yeah, and I'm going to miss him. Why don't you go terrorize a village and leave me alone! Was that a crack about ogres? You get your royal highness to Far Far Away... ...before I kick it there! Now, which way am I kicking? I could tell you, but since you're in the midst of a self-destructive rage spiral, it would be karmically irresponsible. Self-destructive? Are you going to help us or not? Most definitely, but only after you take the journey to your soul! I don't think so. It's either that or primal scream therapy. All right. Journey to the soul. Now, all of you, look into the Fire of Truth and tell me what you see. Ooh, charades! Okay, I see a Dutch fudge torte with cinnamon swirls! Okay, monster... go for it. I see a rainbow pony. Excellent work! Now the boy. This is lame. You're lame! Now just go for it. Okay. There's a baby bird and a father bird siting in a nest. Yes! Stay with it! The dad just flew away. Why did he leave the litle bird all alone? It's trying to fly, but it doesn't know how to. It's going to fall! Proper head case you are. Really messed up. Okay, I get it. The bird's me. My dad left. So what? Look, Artie, um... Just thought I'd help set the mood... ...for your big heart-to-heart chat. I know what it's like to not feel ready for something. Even ogres get scared. You know... once in a while. I know you want me to be king, but I can't. I'm not cut out for it, and I never will be. Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth the trouble. He dumped me at that school first chance he got... ...and I never heard from him again. My dad wasn't really the fatherly type, either. I doubt he was worse than mine. Oh, yeah? My father was an ogre. He tried to eat me. I guess I should have realized it. He bathed me in barbecue sauce and put me to bed with an apple in my mouth. I guess that's prety bad. It may be hard to believe, what, with my obvious charm and good looks, but people used to think I was a monster. And for a long time, I believed them. But after a while, you learn to ignore the names people call you and just trust who you are. You know... you're okay, Shrek. You just need to do a litle less yelling and use a litle more soap. Thanks, Artie. The soap's because you stink... really bad. Yeah... I got that. This place is filthy! I feel like a hobo. I'm sorry, but this isn't working for me. Everything's always about you. It's not like your atitude is helping. Maybe itjust bothers you I was voted fairest in the land. You mean in that rigged election? Give me a break. "Rapunzel, Rapunzel... ...let down thy golden extensions!" Ladies, let go of your pety complaints and let's work together! So I guess the plan is we just wander aimlessly in this stinkhole until we rot. No, we get inside and find out what Oharming's up to. I know he's a jerk and everything, but that Oharming makes me hoter than July. That's it! Oome on! This way! Rapunzel, wait! Oharming, let go of her. But why would I want to do that? What? Say hello, ladies, to the new Queen of Far Far Away. Rapunzel, how could you? Jealous much? Soon you'll be back where you started, scrubbing floors or locked away in towers. That is, if I let you last the week. Pookie, you promised not to hurt them. Not here, kiten whiskers. Daddy will discuss it later. Now forgive us. We have a show to put on. Shrek will be back soon, and you'll be sorry. Sorry?! Don't you realize once Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away... ...he's doomed? Look out! They got a piano! Kill them all... except the fat one. King Oharming has something special in mind for you, ogre. King Oharming? Atack! Artie, duck! Ready the plank! - Shrek! - Help! Oowards! What has Oharming done with Fiona? She's going to get what's coming to her. And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him! - We've got to save her. - But she's so far far away! Get yourself back to Worcestershire, kid. No, Shrek. Hold on. I've got an idea. I am a buzzing bee. Mr. Merlin? They need a spell to get them... ...I mean us, back to Far Far Away. Forget it. I don't have that kind of magic in me anymore. How about a hug? That's the best kind of magic. Please. I know you can do it. I said forget it! But... What's with you? It's just so hard, you know? They need to get back, 'cause their kingdom's in trouble. 'Oause there's a really bad man. It's just so hard! Take it easy. No! I don't think you understand! There's a mean person doing mean things to good people. Have a heart, old man. They really need your help to get back. Why won't you help them?! Okay. I'll go get my things. Piece of cake. Well, well. You want eggs with that ham? I am a litle rusty, so there could be some side effects. - Side effects? - Don't worry. Whatever it is, no mater how excruciatingly painful, it will wear off eventually. I think. - Oops. - You sure about this? If Artie trusts him, that's good enough for me. Even if his robe doesn't cover... Alacritious expeditious... ...a- zoomy-zoom-zoom! Let's help our friends get back... ...soon! It worked! I haven't been on a trip like that since college! Donkey? What? Is something in my teeth? Oh, no! I've been abracadabra-ed into a Fancy Feastin', second-rate sidekick! At least you don't look like some kind of bloated piñata! You should think about going on a diet! You should get yourself a pair of pants. I feel all exposed and nasty! So you two think this is funny? I'm really sorry, guys. Don't be. You got us back, kid. How in the Hans Ohristian Andersen am I supposed to parade around in these goofy boots? Hey, hey, hey! Be very careful with those. They were made in Madrid by the finest... You'll learn to control that. Seriously. Ow! You need some comfort inserts or arch supports or something. Watch it. I'm walking here and I'm gonna keep going until... Pinocchio! Shrek! Help me! - What happened? - Oharming and the villains took over! Fiona and the Princesses got away. Now she's... She's what?! What?! Puss! Loan me five bucks. You heard him. Help the brother out. Do you see any pockets on me? Hold on a second. I had no idea, really. I... I swear. Quick! Where is Fiona? Oharming has her locked away someplace. You have to find him! He's probably geting ready for the show! Wait, Pinocchio! What show? "It's a Happily Ever After After All". "Shrek's final performance"? Shrek! You didn't tell us you were in a play! I guess I've been so busy I forgot to mention it. The ogre! Get him! Don't worry, jefe. I got this. Uck! Kill it! Look. Don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you! We're dealing with amateurs. He's a star, people! Hello? I'm so sorry about this, Mr. Shrek. I'm going to lose it! Is everything ready? You did get the list for the dressing room? Breakfast croissant stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. And I hope you have the saffron corn with jalapeno honey buter. Our client cannot get into his proper emotional state withoutjalapeno honey buter! I just lost it. They should talk to Nancy in Human Resources. Oh, we will have much to say to Nancy, I promise! "With this sword, I do..." No. "With..." "With this sword, I do smote thee!" Is "smote" the right word? "Smoot"? I don't think that's a word. Maybe I should just "smite" him. Let's try this again. Now... Shrek atacks me. I pretend to be afraid. "Now the kingdom will get the happily ever after they deserve. Die, ogre!" Blah, blah, blah. Oh, itjust doesn't feel real enough! Who told you to stop dancing?! Wink and turn. What are you laying around for? Get up! Honestly! Our happily ever after is nearly complete, Mummy. And I assure you... ...the people of this kingdom will pay dearly for every second... ...we've had to wait. Break a leg. On second thought, let me break it for you. Thank goodness. I was afraid you wouldn't get back in time. Where's Fiona? Don't worry. She and the others are safe... for now. Let me guess. Arthur. It's Artie, actually. This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? How pathetic. Stand still, so I won't make a mess. Oharming, stop! I'm here now. You got what you wanted. This isn't about him. Then who's it about? I'm supposed to be king, right? You weren't really next in line for the throne. I was. But you said the King asked for me personally. Not exactly. What does that mean? I said whatever I had to say, all right? I wasn't right for the job, so I needed some fool to replace me. And you fit the bill. So just go! You were playing me the whole time. You catch on real fast, kid. Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought. You know, for a minute... ...I actually thought... - What? That he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? You really do have a way with children, Shrek. Leave me out with the waste This is not what I do It's the wrong time She's pulling me through It's a small crime And I got no excuse And is that all right, yeah? Is that all right with you? Is that all right, yeah? If I give my gun away when it's loaded? If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it? Is that all right? Is that all right? Is that all right with you? No. No. Had we stayed put like I suggested, we'd be sipping tea out of litle heart-shaped cups. Yeah, heart-shaped cups. And eating crumpets smothered with loganberries. Yeah, loganberries. - Shut up, Oindy. - Yeah, shut up. - No, you shut up. - Stay out of this. Who cares who's "running the kingdom"? - I care. - You should all care. I have your badge number, tin can! - Donkey? - Princess! Puss? I am Puss, stuck here inside this hideous body. And I'm me! But you're... Everything's fruity in the loops, but what happened is we went to high school, the boat crashed and we got bippity-boppity-booped by the magic man. You poor sweet things. I don't get it. The cat turned into a litle horse that smells like feet. What's to get? Who dat? Where's Shrek? Oharming has him. He plans to kill Shrek tonight in front of the whole kingdom! All right, everyone. We need to find a way out now. You're right. Ladies, assume the position! What are you doing? Waiting to be rescued. You've got to be kidding me. What else can we do? We're just four... ...I mean three, super-hot princesses... ...two circus freaks, a pregnant ogre and an old lady! Excuse me. Old lady coming through. Mom! You didn't think you got your fighting skills from your father, did you? Excuse me. There's still one more. Why don't you just lie down? Okay, girls, from here on out... ...we take care of business ourselves. The Far Far Away Theatre at the Charming Pavilion is proud to present... ..."It's A Happily Ever After After AII." Enjoy your evening of theatrical reverie, citizen. Oi! No food or beverages in the theater! Places, everyone! Easy! Sorry. I was showing off for the litle one. It's Bring Your Kids to Work Day. Oome here, beautiful. Well, she's got your eye. Who would have thought a monster like me deserved something as special as you? Little birdies, take wing Flitting down from the trees they appear And to chirp in my ear All because I sing Move it! Go! My babies! Help! Hey, how's it goin'? O to the K. The coast is clear. Let's do this. Go, Team Dynamite! I thought we agreed to use the name Team Super Oool. I recall it was Team Awesome. I voted for Team Alpha Wolf Squadron. Okay! From henceforth, we will be Team Alpha Super Awesome Oool Dynamite Wolf Squadron. Ach de liebe! There is some strange litle girl over there staring at us! Artie! Wait, wait! Where is the fire, señor? Please. Don't act so innocent. You both knew what was going on and kept it to yourselves. It's not like it seems. It's not? I think it seems prety clear. He was using me. That's all. Using you? You really don't get it. Shrek only said those things to protect you. Oharming was going to kill you, Artie! Shrek saved your life. Oue the spot! I wait alone up here I'm trapped another day Locked up here, please set me free My new life I almost see A castle, you and me Yes, a castle, you and me Oherubs! Tis I, Tis I Upon my regal steed Princess, my love At last you shall be freed I'm strong And brave And dashing my way there With speed! With might! With soft and bouncy hair! - Through the blistering desert - Hot! - Across the stormiest sea - Wet! Facing creatures so vile Foul! So you can gaze upon me! I knew you'd come for me And now we finally meet I knew you'd wait And from my plate of love you'd eat Who is this terribly ugly fiend Who so rudely intervened? Will Charming fight or flee? Please rescue me! From this monstrosity! Fear thee not, honey lamb! I will slice this thing up like a ham! Oh, boy. You are about to enter a world of pain With which you are not familiar! It can't be any more painful than your lousy performance. "Prepare, foul beast." Prepare, foul beast, your time is done! Oould you kill me and then sing? Be quiet! I'm just having fun with you. That's actually a very nice leotard. Thank you. Do they come in men's sizes? Now that be funny! Enough! Now you'll finally know what it's like... ...to have everything you worked for... ...everything that's precious to you, taken away. Now you'll know how I felt. Sausage roll! Pray for mercy from Puss! And Donkey! D Hi, honey. Sorry we're late. You okay? Much beter, now that you're here. So, Oharming, you want to let me out of these so we can setle this ogre-to-man? Ooh, that sounds fun. But I have a beter idea. No! Let go of me! You will not ruin things this time, ogre. Kill it. Everybody, stop! Oh, what is it now?! Artie? Who thinks we need to setle things this way? You mean you want to be villains your whole lives? But we are villains! It's the only thing we know. You never wish you could be something else? Easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree. You morons! Don't listen to him! Atack! What Steve means is it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you. Right. Thanks, Ed. Fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But you know... ...a good friend once told me... ...just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre... ...or just some loser... ...doesn't mean you are one. What maters most is what you think of yourself. If there's something you really want, or someone you want to be... ...the only person standing in your way is you. - Me? - Get him! No, no, no! What I mean is each of you... ...is standing in your own way. I always wanted to play the flute. I'd like to open up a spa... in France! I grow daffodils. And they're beautiful. A new era finally begins! Now all of you... ...bow before your King! You need to work on your aim. This was supposed to be my happily ever after! Well, you need to keep looking... ...because I'm not giving up mine. Mommy? It's yours if you want it. But this time it's your choice. Author! Artie! Artie! Artie! Artie! Excuse me. That's my seat. Okay, Señor Hocusy-Pocusy, the time has come to rectify some wrongs! Though I have been enjoying these cat baths. Please say you didn't. All right! Look. You'll feel a pinch and possibly lower intestinal discomfort... ...but this should do the trick. - Are you? - I'm me again! - And I am not you! - All right! Oops. Ah, never mind. What did I tell you? The kid's going to be a great king. Well, for what it's worth, you would have, too. I have something much more important in mind. Finally. Dada. Was I wrong about the world? It's a beautiful new place I smell Shrek Junior! Where else could a creep like me Meet such a pretty face Meeting every day with the rising sun Looking up, it's looking like My losing streak is done Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo! A bouncy, bouncy, boy! Used to always feel like Wished that I was dressed better Where's the baby? Never had a lot of luck Until I finally met her Meeting every day with the rising sun Looking up, it's looking like My losing streak is done My losing streak is done Well... what shall we do now? I got it. Puss and Donkey, baby! Once again, come on! I want to thank you for letting me be myself Again! Look at my hips! I want to thank you for letting me be myself Again! - Break it down! - Let's go! Stiff all in the collar Fluffy in the face Chit chat chatter trying Stuffy in the place Thank you for the par-tay But I could never stay I'm sorry. I got many things on my mind But the word's in the way And I want to thank you for letting me be myself Again Different strokes for different folks Thank you for letting me be myself Again Break it down! Puss and Donkey, baby! Puss and Donkey, baby! Puss and Donkey, baby! Dance to the music All night long Everyday people Sing a simple song Mama's so happy Mama start to cry Papa's still singing You can make it if you try So try! Thank you for letting me be myself Again Thank you for letting me be myself Again Oome on, Donkey. Do something right! Put the hoofs together! Put the hoofs together! Stomp your boots, baby! Stomp your boots, baby! Stomp your boots, baby! Thank you for letting me be myself Again I want to thank you for letting me be myself Again Thank you, thank you, thank you. Want to thank you Just to be my Because I just want to be my... See? Can I, can I thank you! Can I Yes! Yes!
  • psychic: what the fuck
Creepypasta #805: I'm A Search And Rescue Officer For The Us Forest Service, I Have Some Stories To Tell (Part 1)

Alrighty folks if you’ve not seen this one yet then strap yerselves in and hold on tight cus this is one helluva collection of stories. 

Length: Super long and super worth it

I wasn’t sure where else to post these stories, so I figured I’d share them here. I’ve been an SAR officer for a few years now, and along the way I’ve seen some things that I think you guys will be interested in.

I have a pretty good track record for finding missing people. Most of the time they just wander off the path, or slip down a small cliff, and they can’t find their way back. The majority of them have heard the old ‘stay where you are’ thing, and they don’t wander far. But I’ve had two cases where that didn’t happen. Both bother me a lot, and I use them as motivation to search even harder on the missing persons cases I get called on. 

The first was a little boy who was out berry-picking with his parents. He and his sister were together, and both of them went missing around the same time. Their parents lost sight of them for a few seconds, and in that time both the kids apparently wandered off. When their parents couldn’t find them, they called us, and we came out to search the area. We found the daughter pretty quickly, and when we asked where her brother was, she told us that he’d been taken away by 'the bear man.’ She said he gave her berries and told her to stay quiet, that he wanted to play with her brother for a while. The last she saw of her brother, he was riding on the shoulders of 'the bear man’ and seemed calm. 

Of course, our first thought was abduction, but we never found a trace of another human being in that area. The little girl was also insistent that he wasn’t a normal man, but that he was tall and covered in hair, 'like a bear’, and that he had a 'weird face.’ We searched that area for weeks, it was one of the longest calls I’ve ever been on, but we never found a single trace of that kid. 

~

The other was a young woman who was out hiking with her mom and grandpa. According to the mother, her daughter had climbed up a tree to get a better view of the forest, and she’d never come back down. They waited at the base of the tree for hours, calling her name, before they called for help. Again, we searched everywhere, and we never found a trace of her. I have no idea where she could possibly have gone, because neither her mother or grandpa saw her come down.

A few times, I’ve been out on my own searching with a canine, and they’ve tried to lead me straight up cliffs. Not hills, not even rock faces. Straight, sheer cliffs with no possible handholds. It’s always baffling, and in those cases we usually find the person on the other side of the cliff, or miles away from where the canine has led us. I’m sure there’s an explanation, but it’s sort of strange.

~

One particularly sad case involved the recovery of a body. A nine-year-old girl fell down an embankment and got impaled on a dead tree at the base. It was a complete freak accident, but I’ll never forget the sound her mother made when we told her what had happened. She saw the body bag being loaded into the ambulance, and she let out the most haunting, heart-broken wail I’ve ever heard. It was like her whole life was crashing down around her, and a part of her had died with her daughter. I heard from another SAR officer that she killed herself a few weeks after it happened. She couldn’t live with the loss of her daughter.

I was teamed up with another SAR officer because we’d received reports of bears in the area. We were looking for a guy who hadn’t come home from a climbing trip when he was supposed to, and we ended up having to do some serious climbing to get to where we figured he’d be. We found him trapped in a small crevasse with a broken leg. It was not pleasant. He’d been there for almost two days, and his leg was very obviously infected. 

We were able to get him into a chopper, and I heard from one of the EMTs that the guy was absolutely inconsolable. He kept talking about how he’d been doing fine, and when he’d gotten to the top, a man had been there. He said the guy had no climbing equipment, and he was wearing a parka and ski pants. He walked up to the guy, and when the guy turned around, he said he had no face. It was just blank. He freaked out, and ended up trying to get off the mountain too fast, which is why he’d fallen. He said he could hear the guy all night, climbing down the mountain and letting out these horrible muffled screams. That story bothered the hell out of me. I’m glad I wasn’t there to hear it.

~

One of the scariest things I’ve ever had happen to me involved the search for a young woman who’d gotten separated from her hiking group. We were out until late at night, because the dogs had picked up her scent. When we found her, she was curled up under a large rotted log. She was missing her shoes and pack, and she was clearly in shock. She didn’t have any injuries, and we were able to get her to walk with us back to base ops. 

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No Sex Policy - Week 1

Prompt: Can u write a sequel to ‘returning the favour’ where they both decide to date and take it slow with no sex policy and they achieve that for a month and then they can’t keep their hands off each other.

This prompt is so wonderful!! To Anon, whoever you are who keeps on giving me amazing prompts to write, please keep going. THEY’RE AMAZING. I have divided this into weeks, because it said a month and I may have tweaked it a little because you know. Lol. Expect three more of these.

They had decided it was most logical to stop.

The “favors” they’d been giving each other, as favorable as they were, weren’t exactly something that could ever amount to any good. It had been decided that those incidents were just a combination of built up stress and freak incidences that were a one-time thing and nothing more. Anything “else” that it may have implied was just a mere figment of their imagination. It was one friend helping out another friend: like when you forget to study for an exam and your friend let you copy their notes. It was that kind of a supportive friendship that was sure enough to last. Relationships (god forbid they mentioned the word out loud) were messy, emotional and were too much pressure to even think about – both of them knew it, and they wholeheartedly agreed. Plane crashes and dead fiancés were enough for one lifetime. And so they had come upon the agreement that they would not be illogical and commit the same mistake like last year. They were brilliant surgeons (one army-trained and the other one with abilities beyond any mortal on earth), they would be able to do this with determination and self-discipline, right? Mind over matter and all that crap. Whatever they had to continuously repeat to themselves to get them through the day without imagining the other in the throes of mind-blowing and earth-shattering sex.

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kaley-chips-deactivated20151024  asked:

Everlark 22 plz and thx :) love you boo

It wasn’t that Katniss wasn’t happy for Thom and Delly – they seemed like the perfect couple, even if Gale thought Delly was easily more attractive than Thom. The ceremony was beautiful, if more than extravagant thanks to the bride’s family, and made Katniss want to vomit at all the ooey-gooey romance. The only thing that made the day even remotely bearable was that Thom promised the reception would be more up her alley.

Apparently Thom thought ‘up Katniss’ alley’ meant a cocktail hour at the swankiest hotel in town, complete with complementary glasses of champagne and food she had never even heard of, let alone tasted. She sat at one of the small tables in the ‘waiting area’ with table placements for her, Gale, and Madge. The small victory was that at least Thom had his fellow graduate students sitting together so Katniss wouldn’t be alone at the single’s table.

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