My best friend Pixie passed away on Sunday, November 5, 2017.
She never posted this on tumblr, but it’s one of my favorite kurokens that she gave me. She made it for my fic Run to Me, just because she wanted to, because she told me she loved the fic. One of my biggest regrets is that I wasn’t fast enough with the final chapter. She’ll never get to read it, now.
She read everything of mine, often more than once. She worked as a preschool teacher, and she would re-tell her favorite fics of mine to the children (omitting anything explicit, of course). She was my biggest supporter, my loudest cheerleader, my bestest friend. She believed in me, even when I didn’t believe in myself. She would tell me over and over again that my writing was good, it was amazing, that I was amazing. She loved everything I wrote, and would live-text everything she read back at me, so I could share in her joy and sorrow and excitement. It was always the highlight of my day. If I ever doubted my skill, I would still post that fic or new chapter anyway, because I knew she would read it and love it, even if no one else did.
But even more than just being a huge supporter of mine, she was an incredible friend. She lifted me up when I was feeling down, she kicked my butt when I was too hard on myself, she told me over and over that she loved me, that I was strong, that I could do anything. She sent me kenmas, she talked to me about haikyuu!! and kuroken, she called me the kenma to her hinata, and I called her the hinata to my kenma. I told her anything and everything. We would watch shows together, talk on the phone for hours (not nearly enough), text each other every day. Whenever I needed her, she was there with her arms wide open.
I’m completely devastated at losing her, but I’m so so so glad that I got to know her, that I was able to have this sunshine in my life. She was half of my heart, and I am so grateful and honored that she considered me one of her best friends, too. I never felt like I deserved her, but she was always quick to reassure me that I did.
I will always love her, and I will always miss her.
Thank you, Pixie. For your light, for your life, for everything you gave to me and to everyone you crossed paths with. You were truly a blessing, a star, the sun and the moon. Rest in peace.
goddammit, I want you back. I want our five hour phone calls and eight hour fights. I want our “I love you’s” and “I just want you here.” messages. I want your eyes that always sent chills down my spine and your touch that felt like home. I want you back, and this is the first time in months I’m saying it out loud. I want you back, but you can’t know that. I want you back but it’s too complicated. I want you back but I can’t have you. so this is my way of venting, this is my way of trying to let go.
j.r.e (-my heart is breaking and I won’t even admit it to myself, let alone; you.)
Actually, I’m not done. This is a problem I have not just with Cas, but all of Sam and
Dean’s relationships and is a symptom of a problem I have with Sam’s characterization in general.
First: Dean puts all the emotional work into all
of their relationships. He talks to Bobby about suicide. He talks to
Ellen about Ash’s death. Jo’s dying moment was with Dean; despite Sam
supposedly having a big crush on her, he didn’t reach out to her. Speaking of deaths, his reaction to Charlie’s was tepid at best. She’s supposed to be their friend, yet he didn’t react at all. I could be here all day complaining about Sam’s lack of relationship with Garth and Donna and Claire and Kevin and literally everyone who is supposedly friends with both Winchesters, but at the end of the day it boils down to this: Sam almost never has emotional moments with people. Dean is a way better friend to all of their friends. There’s no reason for Sam to be considered a friend to any of these people except that they’re Dean’s friends and he’s related to Dean. In 11 years since leaving school, Sam has no made a single other friend if you don’t count Ruby, who was lying to him the whole time and whose true feelings therefore cannot be assumed.
Second: this is a symptom of the larger problem
with Sam which is that his entire character is told, not shown. They tell us that he’s best friends with Cas, but he doesn’t
act like it. Every time Cas disappears Sam calls Dean out about worrying
about him. If Sam cared about Cas, shouldn’t he be worried, too?
Instead he always chastises Dean for caring about Cas. But it’s ok
though I guess because Cas tells us he would die for Sam even though we
aren’t shown any kind of bond between them. Dean and Cas share secrets and low points and talk about things that aren’t hunting–that’s how we’re shown that they are best friends. We don’t get that with Sam and Cas. It’s just suddenly “I would die for you” and we’re supposed to believe it. They tell us Sam is smart
and empathetic, but when has he ever acted those ways? As hunters, Sam
and Dean share pretty much equal responsibility for identifying
creatures and doing research. Dean has been shown to be quick thinking
and creative which are signs of intelligence, but Sam? He went to an ivy so he’s smart end of discussion. Where is the evidence? I’ve asked Sam fans and gotten no response. Everyone jumps on the bandwagon that he’s smarter than Dean because Dean says so, but where are the actions that say that? And as
multiple people have pointed out, myself included, he has no empathy at
all because he can’t relate to any issue he hasn’t gone through himself.
But they keep telling us he’s empathetic so we’re just supposed to
swallow it and not ask questions.
It’s terrible writing. It’s inconsistent af, too.