i'm quiet

So coming up we have Keith week, AND inktober, AND the voltron fashion zine sketches due. On top of this I need to get my own game vertical slice ready by the end of october for work, AND I also have to get a digital art demo ready for a panel I’m teaching at the same convention we’re demoing the game at. Not to mention the hundred other minor tasks I have piling up.

All in the next 4 weeks. 

It was nice knowing you guys.


Something that needs to be addressed

For the past few months, it has come to my attention that the chat of the Escastream, is getting out of hand. And by getting out of hand, I mean GETTING OUT OF HAND. What I like to point out as a long term Seduce Me fan, is that the Erik topic has been constantly flooded in the chat at the most random times desperately towering other comments with Erik this, Erik that, Erik is bae/hot/sexy, omg do the Erik voice, Erik’s sex scene was steamy etc. I understand the love for this incubus, but it’s been nothing but Erik everytime the stream is happening. Whenever Erik from Seduce Me is mentioned, BOOM the chat becomes sexual real quick. This is a major problem, especially now that there are MINORS coming in and watching his streams.

Another thing I want to get off my chest, Chris is not Erik. It’s noticeable enough that a handful of SM fans in his streams are obsessed with a character he voiced in. A particular group in the chat have become attached and obsess over the VA because of it. To the few who decided to put Chris and Erik together in those said sexual conversations. For the love of Jeebus, why? Why was it a good idea to do this to the poor man? Honestly, I’m really worried about his safety and how these group of people that are seeing him that way is sickening. I really want these handful of people to acknowledge and differentiate between the fictional character and VA.

Please understand that the lovable Music-senpai is extremely uncomfortable with sexual content and the heavy swearing, yet some of his viewers seem to forget about the absolute important rules and toss them out the window. This is exactly what happened with the whole Laito situation when he fan voiced that character long ago. The chat is nothing but Erik and sexual things are being said, to the point that the streams are less enjoyable for others to watch without feeling super uncomfortable or annoyed by Seduce Me when the few other viewers are not fans of.

Honestly, seeing and observing THIS kind of behavior in his streams, is breaking my heart. He has done so much more than just voicing a flirtatious character. His beautiful music that he creates, his ability to play almost every instrument, his wonderful singing skills, and his absolute silliness. HIS VOICE WORK he has done from Attack on Space, Blind Love, Choose Me, Final Melody, Genius Insanity, and among others. All of his incredible talent, has been completely overshadowed by Erik. Chris can’t be known as Erik forever. I truly wish someone would see that…

replace a word in a musical with the word “meme” 

  • les memeserables  
  • the phantom of the memes 
  • memes: a pop opera 
  • kinky memes 
  • the last five memes 
  • a chorus meme 
  • a gentleman’s guide to love and memes 
  • a meme in paris 
  • fun memes 
  • next to memes 
  • dogmemes 
  • rodgers and hammerstein’s: memes 
  • finding memes 
  • hedwig and the angry memes 
  • the book of memes 
  • into the memes 
  • memes never die 
  • miss memes 
  • memes awakening
  • west side memes 
  • the memes and i
Thoughts on Quiet BPD

When asked about BPD, most people who know about this disorder immediately think of the “classic” symptoms: impulsive behaviors and episodes of rage. The same holds true for even mental health professionals.

But rage and impulsivity are only two out of the nine criteria in determining whether someone has BPD. Some people with BPD—myself included—meet the criteria for a diagnosis but do not use these “acting out behaviors.”

So what does it mean to have quiet BPD?

You probably still suffer from extreme mood swings and emotional reactivity, self-harm and suicidal ideation, chronic feelings of emptiness, paranoid ideation, dissociation, a lack of identity, and the intense fear of abandonment we love so very much (disclaimer: we hate it.).

And it may well be that your relationships are stormy as well—even if the other person has no freaking idea how distressing said friendship is to you.

How is that possible? Well, we feel the same things other people with BPD feel: we idealize you and become deeply emotionally attached to you, then suddenly we become emotionally cold and distant toward you over just a minor disappointment, we’re kept awake at night by paranoia that you secretly hate us because you didn’t text us back immediately, we spiral into crushing depression over the littlest things you say and do.

But the difference lies in how we express it.

With “classic” BPD you may tell the other person what you’re feeling. You may accuse the person of lying to you, avoiding you, abandoning you, etc. You may display anger toward the other person or get into arguments. The other person becomes aware of what you’re thinking and feeling. Not so with quiet BPD.

I almost never tell my friends what’s going through my mind unless they ask. I’m too terrified of being a burden to them. I internalize this tempest of dysphoria, letting it fester for weeks and months. I will drop off your radar, distancing myself from you without you even noticing. Unless you reach out to me, you’ll never hear from me again. I’ll isolate myself, forever convinced you hate me and that you’re better off not dealing with my burdensome self… even if there’s no evidence to suggest this. Even if we’ve literally been best friends for years.

You may not notice this shift at all, simply because I don’t express it. The friendship may not be distressing for you, but it’s sure as hell distressing for me. I’ve cycled through so many friendships in this way, in near constant agony as a result—and the vast majority of my friends had no idea.

I’m obsessed over this idea that I’m a burden. That my very existence is an annoyance to everyone, and so I very frequently deny myself the very emotion so often associated with BPD: anger.

I loathe myself so much I feel I don’t have the right to be angry for myself.

Sure, I can feel anger all right. If you slight a friend or family member of mine, I cannot begin to describe the rage that wells up inside me.

But if you insult me? I’ll sink to depression and probably agree with you (this has happened multiple times).

People with different types of BPD respond differently to the same triggers. For some, if they feel you’re going to abandon them or that you don’t care about them, they respond with anger. Others act impulsively in hopes of relieving some of their pain. But I respond by turning inward. I justify these “signs” that everyone in my life hates me—the same signs recognized by people with “classic” BPD—by deciding that if I’m going to be abandoned, well, it’s because I deserve to be. If you do hate me, it’s because I am, in fact, absolute scum. My BPD takes these signs and twists them into reinforcement of my extreme self-loathing. If anything, I’ll be angry with myself.

This translates into “acting in” behaviors that aren’t as obvious as impulsive behaviors. I self-harm and don’t tell a soul about it, I lock myself in my room and cry for hours, I become so emotionally numb I just stare at the wall all day, I’ll sleep for an entire weekend to escape my pain, I’ll even deny myself food because what’s the point of extending my lifespan, especially if I don’t deserve it?

Any kind of BPD sucks, quiet or otherwise. But raising awareness about quiet BPD is crucial: professionals may not realize we have BPD because we don’t fit the “classic” model, and thus we end up spending years misdiagnosed or in treatment that doesn’t address what’s actually going on with us. We could be spared YEARS of additional suffering by getting the correct treatment as soon as possible. So let’s raise awareness, shall we?