i'm quiet

“When I get away from skating, two ‘L words’ come to mind: life and love. I’ve been neglecting both for over twenty years.”

For over twenty years of his twenty-seven years of life, Victor has been neglecting both life and love. For over twenty years, Victor has been without a life that he desires, nor has he ever experienced the feeling of love, whether it be romantic, platonic, or parental.

But in comes Yuuri, first through a crazy banquet night of drunk dancing and then through a video clip of him skating to Victor’s “Stay Close to Me” program. For the first time in a long time Victor gets a tiny gust of life and love breathed back into him.

As the series progresses, Victor and Yuuri get closer as skaters and just as people. They learn new things about each other, such as the way how Yuuri’s eyes sparkle when he’s thinking about something important or Victor’s sensitivity to poking his hair whorl. And you can see how much happier Victor has become. You can see Victor’s eyes sparkling just like Yuuri’s.

I know that many people believe that Yuuri isn’t worthy of being Victor’s student or that Victor isn’t capable of being Yuuri’s coach. But honestly, how can people say that? Look at how far Yuuri as made it with Victor by his side. Look at how confident and strong he’s become. And look at Victor. Yuuri breathed life and love into Victor’s world when there was none.

“So, Immy. In twenty-three days, you’ll officially be older than me. How’s it feel hitting the big three-oh?”

//I feel no different, really.

“Looking forward to the gray hairs and constant joint pains?”

//I’ve had those since high school, you dumbass. Runner’s knee is a bitch, and I’ve had relatives who started graying their hair before just as they hit puberty.

“So will we have to send you a cane and a loudhailer for those children on the lawn?”

//Yeah, sure, so I can smack you and blow out your eardrums in one go.

“Ooooh, I’m so scared.”

//You better be, because at least my life can continue on normally while you stagnate in RP and be forever stuck at 29 in a game where the goal is to let a kid beat your face in to a pulp.

“Touche.”

You know that WTNV quote, “Today you will meet a beautiful stranger. Everyone is beautiful, and you know almost none of them.”? That’s what the past few days have felt like.

Many voices feel silenced today

(If you ridicule me and/or this comic, you’re only proving my point)

replace a word in a musical with the word “meme” 

  • les memeserables  
  • the phantom of the memes 
  • memes: a pop opera 
  • kinky memes 
  • the last five memes 
  • a chorus meme 
  • a gentleman’s guide to love and memes 
  • a meme in paris 
  • fun memes 
  • next to memes 
  • dogmemes 
  • rodgers and hammerstein’s: memes 
  • finding memes 
  • hedwig and the angry memes 
  • the book of memes 
  • into the memes 
  • memes never die 
  • miss memes 
  • memes awakening
  • west side memes 
  • the memes and i
Thoughts on Quiet BPD

When asked about BPD, most people who know about this disorder immediately think of the “classic” symptoms: impulsive behaviors and episodes of rage. The same holds true for even mental health professionals.

But rage and impulsivity are only two out of the nine criteria in determining whether someone has BPD. Some people with BPD—myself included—meet the criteria for a diagnosis but do not use these “acting out behaviors.”

So what does it mean to have quiet BPD?

You probably still suffer from extreme mood swings and emotional reactivity, self-harm and suicidal ideation, chronic feelings of emptiness, paranoid ideation, dissociation, a lack of identity, and the intense fear of abandonment we love so very much (disclaimer: we hate it.).

And it may well be that your relationships are stormy as well—even if the other person has no freaking idea how distressing said friendship is to you.


How is that possible? Well, we feel the same things other people with BPD feel: we idealize you and become deeply emotionally attached to you, then suddenly we become emotionally cold and distant toward you over just a minor disappointment, we’re kept awake at night by paranoia that you secretly hate us because you didn’t text us back immediately, we spiral into crushing depression over the littlest things you say and do.

But the difference lies in how we express it.

With “classic” BPD you may tell the other person what you’re feeling. You may accuse the person of lying to you, avoiding you, abandoning you, etc. You may display anger toward the other person or get into arguments. The other person becomes aware of what you’re thinking and feeling. Not so with quiet BPD.

I almost never tell my friends what’s going through my mind unless they ask. I’m too terrified of being a burden to them. I internalize this tempest of dysphoria, letting it fester for weeks and months. I will drop off your radar, distancing myself from you without you even noticing. Unless you reach out to me, you’ll never hear from me again. I’ll isolate myself, forever convinced you hate me and that you’re better off not dealing with my burdensome self… even if there’s no evidence to suggest this. Even if we’ve literally been best friends for years.

You may not notice this shift at all, simply because I don’t express it. The friendship may not be distressing for you, but it’s sure as hell distressing for me. I’ve cycled through so many friendships in this way, in near constant agony as a result—and the vast majority of my friends had no idea.

I’m obsessed over this idea that I’m a burden. That my very existence is an annoyance to everyone, and so I very frequently deny myself the very emotion so often associated with BPD: anger.

I loathe myself so much I feel I don’t have the right to be angry for myself.

Sure, I can feel anger all right. If you slight a friend or family member of mine, I cannot begin to describe the rage that wells up inside me.

But if you insult me? I’ll sink to depression and probably agree with you (this has happened multiple times).

People with different types of BPD respond differently to the same triggers. For some, if they feel you’re going to abandon them or that you don’t care about them, they respond with anger. Others act impulsively in hopes of relieving some of their pain. But I respond by turning inward. I justify these “signs” that everyone in my life hates me—the same signs recognized by people with “classic” BPD—by deciding that if I’m going to be abandoned, well, it’s because I deserve to be. If you do hate me, it’s because I am, in fact, absolute scum. My BPD takes these signs and twists them into reinforcement of my extreme self-loathing. If anything, I’ll be angry with myself.

This translates into “acting in” behaviors that aren’t as obvious as impulsive behaviors. I self-harm and don’t tell a soul about it, I lock myself in my room and cry for hours, I become so emotionally numb I just stare at the wall all day, I’ll sleep for an entire weekend to escape my pain, I’ll even deny myself food because what’s the point of extending my lifespan, especially if I don’t deserve it?

Any kind of BPD sucks, quiet or otherwise. But raising awareness about quiet BPD is crucial: professionals may not realize we have BPD because we don’t fit the “classic” model, and thus we end up spending years misdiagnosed or in treatment that doesn’t address what’s actually going on with us. We could be spared YEARS of additional suffering by getting the correct treatment as soon as possible. So let’s raise awareness, shall we?