i'm more surprised that i still haven't got all of you idiots

Make Happy Starter Pack
  • Mix of comedy, deep stuff, out of context stuff, and potentially NSFW-ish sentences.
  • "Ladies if you feel me, say hell yeah!"
  • "Fellas if you feel me, say hell yeah!"
  • "Virgins, if you haven't felt a person, say hell yeah!"
  • "If you like drinking booze, let me hear you say hell yeah!"
  • "If you like smoking weed, let me hear you say hell yeah!"
  • "I can't wrap my mind around exactly why I'm here."
  • "I know you paid money."
  • "I should be funny."
  • "Look at the world. I don't know why I'm here."
  • "I would love to tell you that everything is fine."
  • "You wanna be happy... Well, get in line!"
  • "It gets old after a few minutes."
  • "Let's get this show started."
  • "I already fucked it up."
  • "Haters gonna hate. Lovers gonna love."
  • "You have to reject both sides of the spectrum to leave a healthy middle."
  • "Stop participating."
  • "Not a participatory thing going on up here."
  • "Did you not think I was gonna use this, idiot(s)?"
  • "It's not a prop."
  • "I've got a lot of problems in my life."
  • "I got no one to talk to."
  • "There's everyone and then there is just me."
  • "If I could change, don't you think that I'd do it?"
  • "God only knows, why he cursed me to be ________/(a straight white man)"
  • "I state my problems, other people roll their eyes."
  • "Three trips to the mall, zero _______ in my size."
  • "I've never been the victim of a random search for drugs."
  • "You can't say my life is easy."
  • "I know the road looks though ahead."
  • "Can't you just leave us alone?"
  • "Also, 'no' to the things you asked for."
  • "They are being greedy and they know it."
  • "Everyone thinks that I got it easy."
  • "Just because it's true, doesn't mean that it's right."
  • "So pull up a chair and put down your pitchforks."
  • "We still do, but it's not as fun now."
  • "If you were offended by that, it was ironic."
  • "Isn't that fun?"
  • "I meant the whole opposite of it."
  • "White guys... it's easy to be a white guy."
  • "We deserve a cheer once in a while."
  • "We invented a lot of stuff."
  • "Everything but peanut butter."
  • "Your grandkids are going to see this."
  • "Put the lights down."
  • "Their faces creep me out."
  • "I'm not perfect, ok?"
  • "Twice in a week? What is this?"
  • "Do you want to sing a song with me?"
  • "Hey, _____, guess what?"
  • "You're a (insert insult here)."
  • "So I was interrupted the other day-"
  • "Can you turn the lights off at least?"
  • "Why was it on a record player?"
  • "It's gonna outlive me."
  • "Do not give those dumb fucks any credit."
  • "It's all me baby, all me."
  • "How dare you make that joke so late!"
  • "I like poetry."
  • "Do not veer credit to people outside this building!"
  • "Two examples is enough."
  • "I'm right in the sweet spot."
  • "I could give that money to a homless person. But I don't do that very often."
  • "Tomorrow is a relative term. We're not getting there."
  • "You don't know where I'm going, so don't act like it."
  • "You're not ahead of me."
  • "I will retain the element of surprise."
  • "I'm trying to break out of that."
  • "This might not work."
  • "________, I heard you had sex with an older woman last night?"
  • "How does he do it?"
  • "I'm not honest for a second up here."
  • "I think country music gets a bad rep."
  • "A dirt road, a cold beer, blue jeans, a red pick-up."
  • "No shoes, no shirt."
  • "Sort of a mental typo."
  • "I could sing in mandarin."
  • "I own a private ranch that I rarely use. I don't like dirt."
  • "Now it's time to talk to the ladies."
  • "Good girl in a straw head."
  • "Thought it was a human woman."
  • "That is a scarecrow."
  • "I'm wanting you. I hope you're feeling me."
  • "You don't know what land you're in...?"
  • "They are lying to you, that's all."
  • "You deserve better."
  • "I'm not saying I'm it, but I'm the person that says you deserve better."
  • "It's the end of culture."
  • "We lost."
  • "How is this entertainment?"
  • "I saw a gorgeous dick. I was in a public restroom."
  • "You're not picturing this."
  • "I need to earn it."
  • "You need to earn it."
  • "There's more where that came from."
  • "Ladies, I know where that came from."
  • "You want a guy that's sweet."
  • "This ugy only exists in your mind."
  • "Guess what? You're right."
  • "If you want love, lower your expectations a few."
  • "Prince Charming would never settle for you."
  • "Just pick a guy and love him."
  • "Just pick a girl and love him."
  • "You wan't a girl that is noce, a girl that is not."
  • "A real girl, a hot girl, a really hot girl!"
  • "She's real, but last week she died."
  • "You might think you dick is a gift, I promise it's not."
  • "I won't settle for less than perfect."
  • "Deep down we know we don't deserve it."
  • "We all deserve love."
  • "We all suck, but love can make us suck less."
  • "It's the very best part of being alive."
  • "Original does not mean good."
  • "Anyone can do anything."
  • "What is it good for?"
  • "I don't want to get political..."
  • "They just liked the lights, I didn't even need to do jokes."
  • "Yeah, you like that?"
  • "Honey are you ok?"
  • "Are you drunk?"
  • "What's behind your back?"
  • "It's a jar of peanut butter. Alright? Sue me."
  • "Why are you holding a jar of mayonnaise."
  • "I'll clean it up."
  • "You'll make it worse if you try it."
  • "Who are you talking to?"
  • "You just gestured to the sink."
  • "I bought something."
  • "Sit in silence."
  • "Nothing tastes better than not getting sued."
  • "You don't want that desperate sort of cloying thing."
  • "I'm just overpaid, ok?"
  • "I sound mean and rude."
  • "Let a professional hear it."
  • "Stick your tongue in a plug."
  • "Hold your breath until it's gone."
  • "Take your pants off!"
  • "You think it's ok because I'm a dude?"
  • "You think it's ok because he is a dude?"
  • "It's over."
  • "We shouldn't fight to stay together just to fight again."
  • "We need to take a break from us to make it right again."
  • "Honestly are you fucking five?"
  • "I've got my father's temper. I'm emotionally inarticulate."
  • "I'm hurting inside, I'm trying to hide it."
  • "I thought you were lashing out in anger."
  • "I deserve better than you."
  • "Sorry, you're not what I need."
  • "What am I talking about, you know?"
  • "It's about... but for real, what is it about?"
  • "No one gives a shit about what we think!"
  • "The arrogant is taught."
  • "It's prison. It's horrific"
  • "I know very little about anything."
  • "He talked about his problems."
  • "I thought... maybe I could do this."
  • "Can I say my shit, _______?"
  • "I got lots of shit to say."
  • "I can't fit my hand insdie a pringle can."
  • "It's way too small."
  • "You think you can. I know you can't"
  • "Just... make them wider?"
  • "I wanna have a daughter."
  • "But that is priority numero uno."
  • "I don't go to the gym 'cause I'm self concious about my body."
  • "I'm self concious about my body because I don't go to the gym."
  • "Irony can be so painful."
  • "Dude, you should have warned me."
  • "No one wants to have a messx burrito."
  • "I wouldn't have gotten the _______ if I knew it wouldn't fit."
  • "I wouldn't have got half of it."
  • "I'm ok with small mistakes."
  • "I don't think that I can handle this right now."
  • "I can sit here an pretend that my biggest problems are pringle cans and burritos."
  • "The truth is my biggest problem is you."
  • "I want to please you but stay true to myself."
  • "Part of me loves you, part of me hates you, part of you needs you, part of me fears you."
  • "I should probably just shut up."
  • "You can tell them anything."
  • ""I hope you're happy."
  • "Oh, good, it's just us."
  • "If you hated it, it's fair."
  • "On a scale of one to zero, ________?"
  • "Are you happy?"
  • "But what the fuck kind of question is 'are you happy'?"
  • "Oh god, my dad was right."
  • "You're everything you hated. Are you happy?"
  • "Hey, look, Mom, I made it! Are you happy?"

anonymous asked:

kuroken 24 but with cats

24) “This is the fifth cat you’ve brought home this week. This cannot continue.”

The door creaked open as Tetsurou stepped inside his apartment. He held the take-out bag firmly as he slipped his shoes off and tried to avoid stepping on Buttercup’s paws. The ginger cat mewed and Tetsurou knew her sudden love for him was just for the food. 

“Sorry love, you’re not getting any.” Tetsurou told her as he made his way to the kitchen. 

Kuro must have caught the scent as well since he purred against the raven-haired man’s leg. 

Shaking his head, Tetsurou kept the takeout in the microwave- away from his furry companions. He picked up the black cat and entered the bedroom. 

“I brought food.” He announced and sleepy eyes blinked at him. Tetsurou grinned as he let go of Kuro and stroked the mop of dyed blond hair. “How long were you asleep Kenma?” 

“Mmm.” Kenma shifted a bit, “Not long…I finished my coding assignment.” 

He pushed himself up and frowned a bit as he glanced at the clock. “Did you come home now?” 

Tetsurou rubbed the back of his neck, “Well…it was a busy day. I had lectures and Bokuto wanted us to take part in the volunteer drive because Akaashi was supposed to give the opening speech.” 

“And?” 

“And then Terushima lost his wallet so we had to go find it.” 

Kenma’s frown deepened. “And then you went to get food…you could have just told me you were busy.” 

“Never occurred to me?” 

Kenma rolled his eyes and cupped Tetsurou’s face. Tetsurou closed his eyes, expecting a kiss, but he was met with a sharp pain on his forehead. 

“What was that for?” Tetsurou pouted as he rubbed his aching forehead. 

Kenma huffed before he slid out of the bed and picked up a white cat which had been trying to jump on the dresser. Tetsurou hadn’t noticed the cat before when he had entered the room. 

Which cat was this one again? He couldn’t remember it’s name. 

There was Buttercup, their ginger. Then it was the black cat which Kenma unceremoniously decided to call ‘Kuro’. Then came their tabby cat which Tetsurou named ‘Ai’ and then there was ‘Sakura’, their recent addition to the family with her lovely black ad white coat. 

Now that he had listed their cats, he realized that they didn’t actually own a white one. 

“Kenma…who is that?” Tetsurou asked slowly. 

“I don’t know what to call him.” 

Tetsurou groaned and let himself fall backwards in the bed. “This is the fifth cat you’ve brought home this week. This cannot continue.”

“Not this week.” 

“Still.” Five cats were a lot of cats. Considering Kenma even acted like one would make it as if Tetsurou lived with six cats. 

Six cats were a lot of cats. 

Six cats required a lot of food, time and energy. 

The sixth cat was currently angry with him too. It’s not as if Tetsurou could help it. He couldn’t say no to people. How could he refuse people when they asked for help? 

You can start by saying ‘no’.” Tetsurou winced as he remembered Kenma’s words a few months back when he had exhausted himself from helping other people. He had to teach Terushima, he had election campaigns to run for a fellow batch mate and he had signed up for the management team in an event since they didn’t have many volunteers. 

Sure it was tiring, but he brought ease in so many people’s lives. However Kenma was always there to remind him of his limits. He should have listened to him. Tetsurou swallowed as he realized he had been doing just that. Kenma knew he was tired, he could always tell when Tetsurou was getting himself into trouble. And now he was angry because none of his warnings had made any difference. 

He got up and noticed the bedroom was empty, save Sakura who was curled up in the corner. 

“I may have messed up Sakura.” 

When he got no reply, he ran his fingers through his hair and made his way into the kitchen where Kenma stood, making tea. 

Tetsurou wrapped his arms around Kenma’s waist from behind, burying his face in the other’s hair. 

“Kenma.” He mumbled, “I’m sorry.” 

They stayed like that for a while before the kettle whistled. Tetsurou let go and Kenma poured the tea in the cups. 

“What should we name him?” Kenma asked, as if nothing had happened before. 

“Snowflake?” Tetsurou offered. 

“Too mainstream.” Kenma smiled as he handed Kuroo his cup. 

“Then…Sugar?” Tetsurou followed Kenma to the lounge and sat next to him. 

Kenma pulled up his legs and shifted closer to Tetsurou, till their shoulders bumped. 

“Take care of yourself idiot.” 

Tetsurou blinked in surprise and glanced at Kenma who was chewing on his lip. “All I can do is tell you to stop. But if you won’t listen…then I can’t be much help either, right?” 

“I’m sorry. I’ll try to think about myself.” Tetsurou laughed but stopped shortly when Kenma gave him a glare. 

“You have to think about yourself Tetsurou.” 

Tetsurou put his cup on the coffee table and Kenma followed suit. 

“I will.” He held Kenma’s warm hands and stroked his thumb over the other’s fingers. 

Kenma nodded and closed their distance by pecking Tetsurou on the lips. 

“I was thinking of Mochi.” 

Tetsurou grinned. “I think that suits him purr-fectly.”

“Do you have to make that pun every time?” 

A laugh escaped his mouth and he pressed his forehead against Kenma’s. 

“As long as you bring in more cats to name. Which should stop. We can’t afford so many cats.” 

“There is no such thing as too many cats.” 

“There is.”

“There isn’t.”

“There is.”

“There isn’t.”

“Kenma.”

“Tetsurou.” 

Reunion

Daiya no A fanfic | College!AU

Pairing: Miyuki Kazuya/Sawamura Eijun

Summary: Everyone has graduated and have gone their separate ways. They decide to have a bit of a reunion for their old team and Kazuya actually finds himself attending the get together.

Did you guys know I write too? Actually, no I don’t… Just maybe once in a blue moon. Thus this is very terrible and I am probably making a big mistake. However, this was swimming around in my head the whole day and I decided to write it anyway after I finished work for the day. I will probably regret posting this in the morning.

Keep reading

Luke - Stupid Mistakes Part 10

I’ve finally burst out of my writer’s block and managed to actually get the next part written. I’m sorry it took so long, but I hope you like it! If all goes to plan there’s only two more parts of this series left, so request for the next part

Masterlist

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9

Ashton’s POV
At the sound of Y/N’s voice I decided to grab a shirt and pull myself out of bed. I had missed her and I was glad that she was here even though it was seven in the morning and I had planned on sleeping in for once.
As I reached for the door handle I heard laughter from the other side. Y/N’s bubbly, contagious laugh pulled at the corners of my mouth, making me smile like an idiot. The laughter suddenly ceased and I froze as Calum’s tone immediately changed to serious. Rather than interrupting I curiously placed my ear on the door in order to hear what he wanted to say.
‘I know that Ash rang you up the night you flew home, and I know what he said.’ My brow furrowed as confusion took over as I had no idea what he was talking about.
‘Oh’ was all that Y/N replied with and I couldn’t help but realise that she seemed disappointed that Calum knew about it.
‘And I don’t think he remembers admitting his feelings.’
It felt like someone had punched my stomach. I walked away in disbelief as I didn’t want to believe what I had just heard. Fragments of a conversation drifted into my head. We had been to a party but I couldn’t get Y/N out of my head so I tried to drink the memory of her away. But as I got more drunk the more she took over my head, so I had called her.
I collapsed and quietly groaned as I dragged my hands over my face. Her tone was disappointed. Clearly, she wasn’t happy that Calum knew about it.
The door slammed shut and Michael’s enthusiastic character radiated through the whole apartment. I decided to wait a few minutes before I walked out and pretend that Michael’s loudness had rudely awoken me.
I laid down as the drunken phone call played out in my head over and over again. Sighing, I decided that I had to speak to her. Unexpected tears rose to the brim of my eyelids.being rejected by Y/N was going to be the most painful thing. My heart had already shattered at the thought of her saddened apologetic face; the awkward air between us and our friendship crumbling completely, only being forced to act normal with the others present.
Composing myself, I dragged my reluctant body out of bed and opened the door, faking a surprised smile that didn’t quite reach my eyes when I saw Y/N. Sadly I noticed she was doing the same. Her big eyes didn’t have the sparkle to it when she genuinely smiled, which shattered the broken pieces of my heart further.
She got up and gave me a brief hug, lacking the little squeeze she usually gave me.


Y/N POV
Stupidly, I had left my phone at their apartment, so I had no idea where I was meeting the guys. Internally, killing myself I got in my car and drove to their’s, hoping that they had said to meet at there.
The concert had surprised me. It was the first time I had heard a few of their newer songs live and they were masterpieces in their own right. A proud feeling had enveloped me in a hug as I had watched them commands both the stage and audience in an improved way to the last time I had watch them perform.
Obviously, afterwards they had been invited to a party so I had got an invite too, but I need to go home and change first.
The lift went up the floors slowly as I willed it to go quicker, hoping they hadn’t left yet. Eventually the doors opened up on their floor and ran down their corridor.
It was empty. 'Shit.’ I mumble, knowing they had already left. I rolled my eyes that they had left without locking the door, but also thankful too. They’re too eager to go to parties. I grabbed my phone, which had lodged itself down the said of a couch cushion.
'Y/N?’
I straightened up and turned to face Ashton, who clearly mimicked my confusion.
'What are you doing here?’ He said, shifting his feet in an awkward manner.
'I left my phone, why are you still here?’ I asked, even more confused at his odd behavior.
'I didn’t feel like going.’ He mumbled, looking at everything in the room apart from me.
'What’s wrong Ash?’ I said with concern lacing my tone, as I perched on the arm of a chair. He looked at me, but quickly glanced away as if it pained him to look at me, like I was the sun that was too painful to really look at.
He sighed and dropped onto the couch opposite me. He ran his hands through his long wavy hair and then balance them on his legs.
'I can’t do this.’ He said and dropped his head into his arms.
'Ashton?’ I said as worry took over. I got up and sat next to him, taking one of his large hands into both of mine. He looked at our clasped hands and he sighed.
Pulling it away he said, 'we need to talk.’

Part 11