i'm literally in love with manga eren don't look at me

Chapter 67
  • (My computer crashed TWICE while writing this chapter.... ugh.)
  • (INT: the half-destroyed crystal cave.)
  • Eren: Unnnngghhh
  • Mikasa: EREN! Can you hear me?
  • Eren: Huh? What happened?
  • Jean: You finally managed to get hard!
  • Eren: I- what?
  • Connie: You got SO HARD and it was EPIC!
  • Sasha: Yeah, and none of us thought you'd be able to get hard like that, but you did! There must've been something in that bottle...
  • Eren: *turns pink*
  • Levi: And it's not going away, either. It's still hard.
  • Mikasa: Aren't you supposed to call a doctor if it doesn't go away after 4 hours or something?
  • Eren: *crosses his legs* Guys... can you not...
  • Levi: Anyway, Eren, now that we know you can get hard, your next objective will be to use that hardness to fill up Maria's massive hole with all those stringy white tendrils that came out of it.
  • Connie: *snickering* Yeah, Eren... plug up that hole REAL NICE AND TIGHT...
  • Eren: *completely red* GUYS. SHUT UP. IF I'D KNOWN IT WAS VIAGRA BEFOREHAND I WOULDN'T HAVE DRANK IT. YOU CAN STOP TALKING ABOUT MY-
  • Eren: *looks up to see his crystallized Titan form holding the cave together*
  • Eren: OH.
  • Eren: So *that's* what you guys meant...
  • Levi: Why? What *else* could we have *possibly* been talking about?
  • Eren: ...never mind.
  • Levi: Well, now we know that the Titan powers can be transferred through serums...
  • Historia: Hey guys! I found the Titan serum bag!
  • Everyone else: *descends on Historia like a flock of vultures*
  • Sasha: Dibs on the gummy bear Titan!
  • Mikasa: A Titan with superior battle skill...
  • Connie: And GIANT FREAKING EPIC TEETH!
  • Jean: I BET I CAN GET HARDER THAN YOU, EREN!
  • Levi: THIS IS IT. MY CHANCE TO BE TALL.
  • Historia: And... it's empty.
  • Everyone else: AWWWW FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKK
  • Armin: Hey guys! You okay?
  • Mikasa: Armin! You're alive!
  • Armin: Yeah. Thanks for noticing. Hange's fine, too.
  • Mikasa: But... *how*? Hange was critically injured, the roof was caving in, Squad Kenny was heading towards you guys, and you wouldn't have been able to lift her by yourself! It doesn't make sense!
  • Armin: Oh, some guy named Hajime Isayama gave us a lift.
  • Eren and co.: *climb out of the cave*
  • Eren: Is that... a giant rotisserie chicken?
  • Armin: *rolls eyes* Yes, of COURSE it's TOTALLY a chicken- IT'S A TITAN YOU IDIOT DID YOU GO BLIND IN THAT CAVE OR SOMETHING?!
  • Armin: And it doesn't seem interested in humans either...
  • Jean: Do you think it's an abnormal?
  • Historia: Yep. DEFINITELY an abnormal.
  • Levi: Hey guys, remember? We're the Survey Corps! This is what we do! FOLLOW THAT TITAN!
  • Later:
  • Hange: So basically, if you get the mind control powers, you get mind controlled yourself?
  • Historia: Yeah.
  • Hange: Sucks.
  • Lev: But if we can figure out a way to undo the brainwashing...
  • Eren: So does this mean I still get to commit suicide!?
  • Hitch: *random creepy smile*
  • Mikasa: *screaming internally*
  • Historia: *facepalms*
  • Historia: It's not that simple. The Reiss family has been trying to undo the First King's will for decades- it's just not working. In fact, when your father killed my sister, Eren...
  • Eren: Huh?
  • Historia: All along, he was trying to save humanity from the First King.
  • Eren: I don't follow.
  • Historia: Let me put it this way. THAT'S *jerks her thumb toward Titan!Rod* the Gendo Ikari of this manga. YOUR dad is Itachi Uchica.
  • Eren: Oh...
  • Eren: Wait a minute. You still read Naruto?!
  • Historia: NO.
  • Mikasa: *coughs* Historia's taste in manga aside, THAT must be why Dad gave you that key, Eren. There must be something in that basement that you could use to break the will of the First King.
  • Eren: And all this time.... I thought it was just his porno collection.
  • Eren: But... if I can use the Coordinate to its full extent... *sniffle* then does this mean... *sob* I'm still necessary?
  • Everyone: *gives Eren a massive bear hug*
  • Hange: I hate to interrupt the feels, but we still need to do something about that Titan.
  • Hange: Historia, in other words... you'll have to kill your father.
  • Historia: *gulp*
  • Eren: *bigger gulp*
  • Connie: *biggest gulp of all*
  • Historia: Eren... about that time in the cave...
  • Eren: Yeah?
  • Historia: ...I really was going to kill you.
  • Mikasa: GUESS WHO'S NOT GETTING SAVED NEXT TIME THERE'S A SURPRISE TITAN EXPLOSION. BITCH.
  • Historia: And not for the sake of humanity or anything noble like that... I just didn't want my father to hate me.
  • Historia: But then I realized... that even if the world hates me, I can still learn to love myself. That my life has *value*! That I want to be ME, Historia Reiss! And even if I wasn't supposed to be born, I want to continue existing in this world! My life is worth living!
  • Eren: Congratulations!
  • Mikasa: Congratulations!
  • Armin: Congratulations!
  • Hange: Congratulations!
  • Levi: Congratulations!
  • Jean: Congratulations!
  • Sasha: Congratulations!
  • Connie: Congratulations!
  • Frieda (in Eren's memories): Congratulations!
  • The ENTIRE DAMN FANBASE: Congratulations!
  • Titan!Rod: CONGRUDULUGHFKFVHSJIKSFHKFFDSUIADHD
  • (INT: Erwin's squad.)
  • Random guy: HEY ERWIN! WHY DOES YOUR ARM KEEEP GROWING BACK?
  • Erwin: IDK!
  • Squad Levi: *enters*
  • Erwin: LEVI!
  • Levi: ERWIN!
  • Eruri shippers: NOW KISS!
  • Levi: So, Erwin, how was your day?
  • Erwin: Oh, Darius Zackly has some... issues. How about you?
  • Levi: Got in a fight with my serial killer uncle, then Rod Reiss decided to serve Eren for dinner, Historia said fuck it, Rod got high, and long story short, we've got the largest Titan EVER recorded heading towards the inside of Wall Sina.
  • Erwin: So, same as usual?
  • Levi: Pretty much.
  • Erwin: Anyone get injured?
  • Levi: Only Hange.
  • Erwin: Oh. So no one important then.
  • Hange: HEY!
  • Levi: Anyway.... COORDINATE TESTING TAKE 1!
  • Eren: HEY ROD! YOU BASTARD! STOP THAT!
  • Levi: (aside) You know, if I'd known that you could LITERALLY ASK THE TITANS NICELY TO STOP, my life would've been a LOT simpler.
  • Titan!Rod: *continues doing nothing*
  • Eren: LISTEN TO ME YOU FUCKING MIDGET!
  • Historia: YEAH! LISTEN TO HIM!
  • Hange: ...It's not working.
  • Historia: AND I STILL WANT MY FISH BACK!
  • Levi: Eren, think. Did you do anything else that one time?
  • Eren: I... uh... kinda waved my arms around?
  • Levi: Okay then.
  • Eren: *waves his arms around*
  • Jean: Eren... why are you doing the chicken dance?
  • (INT: Sina border town of Olbd.)
  • Garrison dude: YOU MEAN THERE'S A GIANT FUCKING TITAN HEADED OUR WAY AND *WE CAN'T FUCKING EVACUATE*?!
  • Erwin: Isn't that the POINT of the border towns in the first place, though? To concentrate the Titans' attention into one area?
  • Garrison dude: Well, yes, but... CARE TO EXPLAIN *WHY* THERE'S A TITAN HEADED TOWARDS WALL SINA IN THE FUCKING *FIRST PLACE*? DID WALL ROSE GET BREACHED OVERNIGHT OR SOME SHIT?!
  • Erwin: That's ... uh... classified information.
  • Garrison dude: I'll *SHOW* YOU WHERE YOU CAN PUT YOUR CLASSIFIED INFORMATION, MR. "I'M THE COMMANDER OF THE SURVEY CORPS AND I GIVE NO SHITS ABOUT ANYONE IF I CAN'T USE THEM FOR MY INCREDIBLY CONVOLUTED PLANS TO GET REVENGE AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT AND YOU CAN TELL I'M FUCKING RIGHT BECAUSE EYEBROWS."
  • Erwin: Uh... *turns towards the town square* NEVER FEAR, PEOPLE OF... of... what's this place called again?
  • Garrison dude: Olbd.
  • Erwin: And it's pronounced... how?
  • Garrison dude: *sigh* Just kinda impersonate a fish and you've got it.
  • Erwin: PEOPLE OF BLUBLBUBLUB! THERE MAY BE A COLOSSAL TITAN HEADING THIS WAY-
  • Random citizen #1: Wait, you mean THE Colossal Titan? The one that broke down Wall Maria five years ago?
  • Erwin: NO. ANOTHER ONE.
  • Random citizen #2: YOU MEAN THERE'S ANOTHER COLOSSAL TITAN?!
  • Erwin: WELL, YES, BUT FEAR NOT, FOR THE BRAVE AND THE BOLD SURVEY CORPS WILL DEFEND YOU!
  • Garrison dude: AND THE GARRISON!
  • Random citizen #3: Didn't the Survey Corps lose 90% of their members in four years?
  • Erwin: TECHNICALLY, YES. HOWEVER, WE'LL GET IT RIGHT. THIS TIME.
  • Unpronounceableville citizens: uhhhh...
  • Erwin: REALLY. THE WALL WILL NOT BREAK.
  • Random citizen #4: THE WALL ALREADY *DID* BREAK, DUMBASS! JUST LAST WEEK!
  • Erwin: THAT WAS A FALSE ALARM... never mind. I can't speechify for shit. Levi, wanna take over?
  • Levi: LIFE SUCKS AND THEN YOU DIE.
  • Later:
  • Levi: Historia! You're not supposed to be here! I *thought* I told you to stay out of this.
  • Historia: *hair flip* I have a score to settle.
  • Levi: No, you don't. Get back inside.
  • Historia: >:) Yes, I DO. After all, weren't you the one who told me to fight rather than run away, *Captain Levi*?
  • Levi: *sweats* No, no, no! I take it back. Running away is GREAT! I LOVE running!
  • Historia: Oh. So you're okay with letting all these people die then?
  • Levi: Well... fuck.
  • Levi: GUYS! IT'S COMING!
  • Garrison dude: OH MY GOD IT'S GODZILLA!
  • Historia: *cracks knuckles* HEY ROD! WHAT'S 1000-7?
  • Eren: Oh SHIT.
  • Mikasa: what?
  • Eren: Mikasa, have you seen my key?
  • Survey Corps: *collective facepalm*
  • END