i'm just tired of explaining myself

Honestly, it’s so much easier to lie about what’s truly going on with myself. It’s not that i’m being fake or anything, it’s just that i’m tired. I’m tired of explaining myself. Nobody has the time nor patience to sit and talk anymore. All people do is compare problems of whoever had it worse. It’s kind of sad to ponder on, actually. So here I am, bottling up my unexpressed emotions and destroying myself trying to make a sense of it all. I’m very much disappointed at myself at this point, you see, but i’d like to believe that i’m still learning to be better. Do I make sense? I probably don’t. Oh well.
—  Excerpt from a book i’ll never write / Things I will never tell anyone #2

okay so I get the question all the time about why I care so much about my follow count and I decided to spend the time to actually explain. I want to be a singer songwriter and I want that to be my career. In order to support myself, I need to get followers from somewhere because followers mean people to buy my music and connections. I’m just really tired of being judged for that because I’m honestly scared that in this world I’m not going to be able to make a living. Everyone who knows anything about the music industry knows that the only way to make it today, is to have a strong internet presence. I’ve always understood tumblr. It makes more sense to me then every other form of social media. So yes, I care. I care about being able to make a living.

“You can work on it! Just keep telling yourself it’s in the past!”
it’s a mental illness and don’t you think i have been telling myself that

“I don’t think you’re trying hard enough. You can overcome it with enough effort.”
it’s a mental illness and i try hard every day to the point of absolute exhaustion

“Well, I’ve never seen you freak out.”

you don’t have to see me “freak out” and it makes me sad that you call it that
and if you haven’t seen it doesn’t make it any less real

“Can’t you just… Stop?”
no, i really can’t

“Nothing is uncontrollable! You have control!”
you have no idea what you’re talking about, please stop telling me how to work with my own illness

“Try not to focus on it.”

oh okay, let me just do that

“What, the medication you take doesn’t work?”
only in certain areas, it doesn’t get rid of it

“What caused it? Oh, that’s weird.”
oh thanks a whole bunch for calling something that effects every second of my life uncontrollably weird! just because you didn’t experience it, doesn’t make it less fucking awful

“If you do this and that, eventually you’ll get better.”

oh, i do do this and that, i’ve been doing it for 10 years, and guess what?? it’s still a mental illness holy dang what a surprise

“I can help you fix it! Let me expose you to this triggering thing to show you you can face it!”
that’s like trying to fix a car with a blindfold on by throwing a wrench at it
more than likely, you’re just going to make the car worse
please stop trying to fix my PTSD

please stop trying to fix my PTSD

please stop trying to fix my PTSD

please stop trying to fix my PTSD and let me deal with it the way I know how.