Yeah so I almost busted my ass lol but I don’t ever fall, I just trip… 😂😂✌🏽 it’s 4:39am & it’s time to take a shower & clean up my apartment cuz i left it sooo messy before work…
then i have to wait on the towing people to get here to take my car to the shop bc that pretty butch is is getting fixed!!!! (the guy who hit me has insurance so they’re sending me like a check in the mail and fixing my car, and paying for me to go to a chiropractor) I’m so thankful I’m so blessed💘💘💘 it’s been so hard lately & i was in shock something that good actually happened. and I made a decent amount of money at work tonight which was also unexpected. blessings on blessings man, and it feels so good after so long of going through so many trials & tribulations but what don’t kill you makes u stronger 💪🏽
peace out Girl Scouts
oh and I’m shitty never getting my nails done acrylic again EVERRRRRR… because they snapped off lmao like I just got them done earlier :| and lord knows I don’t wanna argue wit that Chinese lady…… oh welllll
Wow, I have such a kink for 8.2! I'm cutting work to watch this again LOL!
Oh dear! Confession time, I was up until like 4 am (no that’s a lie, it was almost 5 am), and woke up to find Mr. Mittens watching it. It was the bit I’m currently watching right now, at the riverbank in Purgatory.
“Let me bottom line it for you. I’m not leaving here without you. Understand?”
In my groggy state, I blurted out, “Oh gosh, we’ve come so far since then.” And then I ran to the living room and turned on the other tv, rewound it to the beginning and watched the whole thing again.
I still get skeeved by this entire auction. Like they deliberately invited Crowley and a representative of Heaven to drive up the price of the tablet. I mean, who else would have any interest at all in the Demon tablet? It’s like Plutus just… stole stuff and held it for ransom under the guise of this freaky auction. I mean, god of greed, so it seems logical, but >.>
Another bit that’s always bugged me is not the line itself, but the fandom misinterpretation of it as a Canon Fact:
Linda Tran offers her own soul in trade for the tablet and Kevin, which Plutus accepts with this reasoning:
CROWLEY: If it’s souls that you’re after, I can give you a million souls. DEAN: Hey, flyboy, are you gonna get in on this? SAMANDIRIEL: We guard the souls in Heaven. We don’t horse-trade them. CROWLEY: So we have a deal. PLUTUS: It’s not about the quantity, chief. It’s about the sacrifice. This little lady’s soul is the most valuable thing she has. It’s everything. Are you willing to offer everything, Mr. Crowley? DEAN: Tick-tock. CROWLEY: Fine. You win. I bid… my own soul! PLUTUS: [laughs] Mr. Crowley, you don’t have a soul. [to MRS TRAN] Congrats, sweetheart.
The key here is that Linda’s soul was valuable because it was the largest SACRIFICE she was capable of making. Like Plutus said, “It’s everything.” So Crowley’s offer of a million souls, which after s6 we know would’ve been a major power trade (he loaned Cas 50k souls to smack down Raphael, but it still wasn’t enough to defeat Raphael– hence the grab for Purgatory souls. So a MILLION souls was a significant and substantial quantity of power to give up). But in Hell, new souls are showing up every day. They’re a renewable resource. Short-term it would’ve been a high price to pay, but long-term? In the bigger picture? Meh.
But in that same vein, when Plutus points this out, he asks if Crowley is willing to offer EVERYTHING he owns, and Crowley takes that to mean his own soul… but that’s hardly everything Crowley owns that is of value, you know?
First off, he really doesn’t HAVE a soul. Demons ARE souls. The smoky thing we see is what Hell does to that bright and shiny human soul we’ve seen before numerous times. I don’t think Plutus was saying that Crowley really had no soul, but that he didn’t have one to TRADE, because it was his entire BEING, you know? And it’s certainly not the extent of the things Crowley COULD sacrifice– like the entire realm of Hell.
Plus, that matter of the fact that the “Mr Crowley, you don’t have a soul” line was a direct quote of something someone once said to the real-life Aleister Crowley. (a fact that is now impossible to google because of the millions of results it returns about this scene…).
SAM: Dean, were you really going to, uh… DEAN: What? Slit soccer mom’s throat? Yeah, I was. I wish I had. SAM: Dean – DEAN: It was Crowley, Sam. No matter what meat suit he’s in, I should have knifed him. I mean, yeah, it would have sucked, and I would have hated myself, but what’s one more nightmare, right?
And Dean’s takeaway after Kevin runs for it? That people he doesn’t “need” anymore tend to die.
Which gives a HELL of a lot of weight to the statement in Purgatory to Cas:
DEAN: We’ll figure it out. Cas, buddy, I need you.
But Cas still ended up stuck in Purgatory anyway. As if Dean’s “need” for him wasn’t even enough to save Cas from that fate. And then months later in 8.17:
Dean: This isn’t you. Cas, I know you’re in there. I know you can hear me. Cas, it’s me. We’re family. We need you; I need you.
And… it WAS enough to “save” Cas that time, but still not enough to get him to stick around. Heck, so much of s8 was about need…
I mean, while I was typing this up, I let 8.03 run in the background.
We already know from the jump in s8 that Dean’s pissed off that Sam walked away for an entire year, leaving Kevin running and fighting for his life alone. It came up again in 8.02, with Kevin still not really trusting Sam and Dean, and running off on his own again (with Linda this time).
And in 8.03, Dean finds yet another thing to harp on Sam about his own year off:
DEAN: All right, man, look, I get it. You took a year off to do yoga and play the lute, whatever, but I’m back. Okay, we’re back, which means that we walk and kill monsters at the same time. We’ll find Kevin. But in the meantime, do we ignore stuff like this? Or are innocent people supposed to die so that you can shop for produce?
Because while researching, Dean discovers the pattern of deaths repeats every six months, and Sam had’t even noticed it, let alone investigated to try and save these people, meaning the three people who’d died that week were on Sam for not having ganked the thing that killed them the first time it went on a killing spree… Yeah, Dean was angry, but meanwhile Sam had been in that “I don’t fight anymore, I watch the bees” sort of state of mind during that whole year.
Nothing says family like the whole family being dead (or as near as… )
But then Dean discovers Sam was considering going back to college. He tells Sam that this is where they’re best– hunting down monsters together:
DEAN: I know where I’m at my best, and that is right here, driving down crazy street next to you. SAM: Makes sense. DEAN: Yes, it does. SAM: Or… maybe you don’t need me. I mean, maybe you’re at your best hacking and slicing your way through all the world’s crap alone, not having to explain yourself to anybody. DEAN: Yeah, that makes sense, seeing as I have so many other brothers I can talk to about this stuff. SAM: Look, I’m not saying I’m bailing on you. I’m just saying make room for the possibility that we want different things. I mean, I want my time to count for something. DEAN: So, what we do doesn’t count?
And this is so important, the first suggestion that Sam and Dean want different things in life, and that eventually that might even be okay. But hooboy does it ever cause a lot of conflict between now and that impossibly distant potential future:
DEAN: Wow. Back in business. Got the win. Admit it – feels good, huh? You know, I was thinking about what Randa said about, uh, you know, what it feels like to be a warrior. I get it, man, I do. SAM: I know. I know you do. I don’t. Not anymore. Hell, maybe I never did. DEAN: Come on, Sam, don’t ruin my buzz, would you? SAM: Dean, listen, when this is over – when we close up shop on Kevin and the tablet – I’m done. I mean that. DEAN: No, you don’t. SAM: Dean, the year that I took off, I had something I’ve never had. A normal life. I mean, I got to see what that felt like. I want that. I had that. DEAN: I think that’s just how you feel right now.
And that’s setting up everything that’s come after in the brothers’ relationship with each other, the first chip knocked out of the giant mountain of codependency. It comes roaring back with a vengeance by the end of the season (granted, via the end of their close brush with hubris in their attempt to close the gates of hell), but at least all of this brings those issues glaringly to the surface where they can’t really just keep on keeping on the way they always have anymore.
Need vs want
I think this is also foundational to Dean NEEDING people rather than being able to admit that he WANTS them in his life. That he wants people to stay in his life because he loves them, not because he needs them for a specific purpose.
Because when Dean doesn’t need people anymore, they tend to end up dead… And just loving people, needing them just because he loves them, he sees it as selfish. And his personal needs aren’t enough to keep people he loves from dying.
Boy howdy did he ever internalize that to a toxic extent.
Dean has clearly not shed the “I’m Poison” thing from s7, and in some ways it only gets worse over the next few seasons, like he’s got to get to the very root of that feeling, plumb the depths of his own self-loathing and become the absolute worst possible version of himself (hello, Demon Dean), and come through the other side with a healthier sense of self, a healthier sense of his relationship with Sam, and an acceptance of his personal need for Cas.
Now he just has to find the right words to express all that. Saying his piece to Mary in 12.22 was a good start.
And oh gosh, 8.04– Michael gave up his personal time with Kate to go along with Brian, because apparently Brian had no one else to hang out with. At the time, it sounds like Sam agreeing to go along with Dean on these hunts, leaving Amelia behind because Dean had no one else to hang out with… And the whole situation turned into a toxic mess. But the parallel isn’t perfect. Dean wasn’t motivated for the same reasons Brian was. Brian wanted what Michael had. Dean didn’t want what Sam had.
Dean just wanted everything to stay the same. But again, his needs are poison.
I can’t believe that right now Dean and Cas’ whole narrative rests on Dean not believing Cas would ever choose something over him and Cas being told over and over that his sense of family with the Winchesters is a complete betrayal of what it means to function as an angel (the whole Ishim storyline, humans destroy us). The whole drama of the arc lies in what Cas will do and more importantly, why. And this damn show wouldn’t show us Cas’ WHY of reasoning because it would answer the question as to whether Cas has finally turned a new page, and more importantly, just what chapter he is now on. It doesn’t matter what Cas did, it’s why Cas did it. And it’s the WHY that Dean questions along with the audience.
This whole time Cas has been doing and doing for the Winchesters and as of 12x19 he’s either committed and resigned to his fate or he’s finally seen “the error” of his ways and has realized everything he’s ever done wrong has been because of how he started putting his love of a few humans above all else (and this thinking is what throws everything into chaos for him). I’m pretty much right there with Dean in my worry. I don’t know what Cas saw, but I can’t believe it was anything other than a future that protects Sam and Dean. Because that’s the Cas reasoning Dean (and me) understands. He’s seen it in action enough to know what Cas is all about.
The show has spent significant time making Cas contemplate if his actions have been worth it here at the crossroads of his choices. Cas has been made to feel like a failure specifically because he continues to want what’s best for Sam and Dean. From here, the show can either say that’s worth it for Cas or it’s not anymore. The way this has unfolded really only gives us two developmental avenues: Dean finally asks Cas to stay because of “reasons” (or the Nephilim power boost is gonna enable Cas to save Sam and Dean at the expense of all his grace or something of the like), or the show decides to brush off Cas’ behavior as mind manipulation and everything stays as is (smart money would go to this usual SPN pattern I suppose). There really is no room for the third option: Cas decides to leave the Winchesters for his own good and/or dies (because there’s no coming back from this storyline really, even if Cas survives).
As much as I hate how the show has arranged these pieces, it’s really very clever (and also extremely nerve wracking). There’s no real predictability to the narrative folds as to what Cas mindset or end is gonna be. And the show has gone to great lengths (no outside talk of Misha’s S13 contract) to make our worry over Cas real again. If they did decide to kill him off tho, and they did it by making him “wrong” for choosing to save Dean and Sam time and again, I just don’t see how that ultimately computes with the show’s championship of humanity. It says to the audience, “Cas choose to love humanity, which was bad, so now he must pay the price or else see the error of his ways.” This has never been the show’s message, which is the only reason I don’t believe they’ll go this route. It has to be the other two options, tho Dean’s compounded worry and need to know Cas still chooses him makes no sense if the show is just gonna go the “whoops Luci Jr is Cas’ quasi Amara” route.
I mean. It wouldn’t be the first time this show wasted a B plot but I guess this possibility seems increasingly frustrating considering Dean’s been constantly worried about Cas since he said “Yes” to Lucifer and Cas has been depressed for longer still (with one thing getting more narrative attention than the other but what can you do). To even entertain it’s all gonna be for nothing (Cas being controlled or is “wrong”) has me ready to flip tables. And then there’s Mary, who still “owes” Cas for intervening and saving her (I’m saying she probably sees it this way), who Dean is about to call for support concerning this whole situation since Sam obviously doesn’t know what to say to reassure him.
There’s really no point to this post. Just me outlining the three Cas roads the show can go from here (for partially my own sanity), how two are a waste and how the third can be neatly tied into both the Dean/Mary story and the Dean/Cas one (even if spn’s history says it is the most unlikely) and how at least they gave Sam the gun to fix because really he’s had no other action plot line this year. But hey. At least they aren’t threatening that he’s been wrong to believe what he’s been fighting for all this time and that they might kill him off because there’s really no more story left to retread there (though that hasn’t stopped the show before, as Crowley has been fighting for control of Hell for like the past 4 seasons lol).
okay also i wanted to let you know that imma uninstall the tumblr app because this is so damn addictive and i really don’t need that lol i need to focus on the important things. my future depends on this year.
fine i guess this is everything i wanted to say??? anyways this post won’t be seen so??????
but okay well uh if some ppl see this, just ya should know that imma log in via my computer like one or two times per week to answer ur asks or PM, it’s not bc i’m gone that you must stop, no, go on bc when i log in i’ll be happy to see nice messages etc; it’d be v encouraging for my rough&tough year to come. i’ll need this!!!! and during weekends i’ll post an update of my week if i have time. also imma queue some stuff just not to seem totally MIA and inactive. and sometimes it will happen to me to log in during a certain week/day especially in November, because i’ll certainly feel the need to talk to someone at a moment, because this is psychologically and morally v hard and November is the hardest and worst period…
this isn’t goodbye ;))))), i’ll come back.
for ppl i usually talk with, if u want to keep some contact just hmu and i give you my snap (#SnapBU #AmphiSnap #SnapPolys) or iMessage or whatever the fuck.
for the others etc who really need me and can’t wait the weekend (ça m'étonnerait) just contact @mercyonmendes or @illumendes lmao
i think that’s all, this time
i’ll miss you mais ce n'est qu'un au revoir.
ah and thankyou again for reading my shit lol the whole masterlist sucks but whatever i love writing, whether it’s for me or for you. i’ve never posted something i wrote before tumblr. so opinions genuinely matter to me.
KISSES, I LOVE YOU! 1,5k thankyous for following me yet.
ps: best thing on tumblr was being there while drunk
pps: as regards my writing, here’s my writing planning. ur gonna wait like 4 months lmao
ppps: i love matthew gray gubler (in case u didn’t know)
I was tagged by @cloudygyeom and @pizzawasabi so here it is! (This is also among the many other tag games that I still have to do I’m so sorry to all the people who have tagged me, I will do them as soon as I can!!)
bit o’ a rant comin’ at ye’ ‘ere but sometimes i kinda ‘ate doin’ collaborations solely cause i feel like the secondary artist
𝐧 𝐞 𝐯 𝐞 𝐫 gets enough credit ! s’one thing i can say m’thankful that one direction never ‘ad t’ deal with. i 𝑨𝑳𝑾𝑨𝒀𝑺 want t’ show me appreciation n’ well like, put some sick artists out there n’ shit but people solely focus on just you, it gets pretty fuckin’ annoyin’ after awhile when you’re 𝒕𝒓𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 your damnedest t’ do good for your partners, n’ most times they’re usually better than ye’ anyways. rant over though, ‘ow’s everyone else ? i imagine not as annoyed as i am, but that’s
idk, I’d be pretty bumped out if we don’t get to see Karen in every episode...She’s like one of the main reasons I’m watching at all TP. I was gonna enjoy watching ‘really manly’ male viewers suffer over how emotional the series are and how much of Karen (whom they often hate) is in it. I’ll be very disappointed if she doesn’t get much screen time. although, I’m pretty optimistic (thanks to you!)
I think you said exactly the right thing to the stressed anons. Another point is that some reviewers have talked about how wonderful the scenes they have are. I don’t know about you, but I’ve ALWAYS been about quality over quantity. If they have a few great scenes, I would rather have that than a bunch of scenes where they don’t bond further.
I’m putting these two asks together because I feel like they kind of answer each other? Because the second one – that’s exactly how I feel and hope we can all approach Karen’s content in TP? Whatever the reviewers say, we have gotten some glimpses with our OWN eyes, and they’ve been amazing! They’ve blown me out of the water by just how much and how intense a connection, care, and understanding continues to exist between these two. And how Karen’s getting to thrive fully in her investigative journalism path, moving on up in life with a nicer apartment, etc.
And with the first one – I feel like there’s already some shade in some of the reviews with regards to Karen’s influence on Frank. I got some flashes of the complaints post DDS2, when people reduced Karen’s complexity into being a sign of her not actually having any character, when they reduced her emotional connection to Frank but intolerance of Matt’s lies as her being useless, etc. And in these same reviews there also tends to be less consideration given to Amber/Dinah, and in one I saw flat-out insults. So, unfortunately, I think we’re already seeing some of that anyway. Hopefully when the series drops, there won’t be too much vocal discomfort about how rightfully emotional the series is and how Karen plays in that. Fingers crossed!
I’m like 3000 words into this and have just gotten into the juicy bits, y'all. I’m unfortunately not gonna get this up today (as in oct 31st) but don’t give up on me just yet lmao. It’s my own fault for completely changing where I wanted to go with this story.
Also bc I started this over like ehhh 3 or 4 times. Here’s a bit that’s no longer part of the fic but I still like so I dug it up out of the history on my google doc