i'm having an emotional breakdown okay

If I constantly play the saxophone then when I’m crying no one will be able to tell if I’m having an emotional breakdown or just really feeling the music

okay y’all its time for some feelings

in 2014 I was sad

I was working myself half to death, I was doing five highers at school and I had signed up for the school play, the Christmas show, my regular theatre workshops, a play that was going on tour AND musical theatre training

I felt my anxiety SPIKE which made this entire thing feel a hundred times worse, to the point where I would miss school simply because I was having panic-induced breakdowns most mornings

at the same time, my gender dysphoria was at an all time high (although I usually wasn’t able to identify what it was) and I just felt constantly uncomfortable and at odds with myself

this gave me a general feeling of crappiness that affected basically every aspect of my life. I stopped spending time with my friends, I found myself unable to speak to new people, and I felt some pretty extreme self hate

and then one night, someone I followed on tumblr reblogged a gifset of two girls in a dorm room looking at each other, with the caption ‘why is everything I watch so gay’

and obviously my ears pricked up at the mention of gay, so I did a little digging and found out that the gifset was from a webseries that was about halfway through its first season

I decided one night to watch what there was so far, and then I feel deep into the abyss of carmilla that i’m yet to escape from

and its true that this show helped me

Lafontaine was and continues to be indescribably important to me, especially because one year after discovering carmilla I finally came out as trans to my parents

and hollstein is (obviously) one of the best relationships that I’ve ever seen in storytelling

the show is light, campy and doesn’t take itself to seriously, which was exactly what I needed at that time

but in reality, what helped me get through the darkest year of my life is the fans

the carmilla fandom was small when I joined, and basically everybody knew each other

jokes emerged about the yellow pillow, and the comic that shall not be named, and theories that carmilla was actually a cat (good job on that one, guys)

the whole fandom would wait up to read the new chapters of the hsau, and inside jokes even happened based on that one fanfic

I found myself having a reason to live to the next Tuesday (or Thursday), and I found myself being able to care about something for the first time in ages

and even my goddam physics teacher saw a change in me (’why are you always so hyper on Friday mornings nowadays’ ‘YOU DONT UNDERSTAND LAST NIGHTS EPISODE WAS SO GOOD’ ‘… okay’)

and I’ve watched the fandom grow now into one that this amazing cast and crew really deserves; thousand of people who enjoy this story and the characters

so, on this, the last ever thursgay, let me say thank you

not just to the creators of the show, but to you

if you ever giffed any hollstein, if you ever made a joke about donna, if you discovered laurdenberg and audibly gagged along with me, if you ever made a post crying after one of the episodes, if you ever drew cool fanart, if you ever made a reaction video, if you ever wrote any fanfiction for any pairing in any au, if you ever made an edit of text posts over screencaps of the show, or even if you just reblogged all that stuff from someone else

thank you

because without you, i’d probably be sad in 2016 too