i'm going to go take a cold shower

“I’m not going to put myself in a situation I know I’ll be uncomfortable and stressed in,” shouldn’t warrant being told to just “give it a chance,” after months of “"giving it a chance,”“ and shouldn’t warrant being forced to do something that will make you unhappy, and after you don’t give in it still shouldn’t warrant the silent treatment and anger.

Handling a situation with maturity and calmness should not result in hostility from the other person.

You should always have the right to refuse going into a situation.

PARABA FREAKING TAI

Ok, I’m the biggest Malec shipper in the known Universe but I’m telling you I haven’t seen two guys smile that big while straddling each other since the last time I was on pornhub. LMAO  xD

I actually lost count how many times they sandwiched each other’s faces and arms between their legs.

I need to find religion or something. Because I feel like I’m going to burn in hell after watching that.

SherDario lives.  

Holy shit. 

I’m gonna go take a cold shower. 

Ok, back to Malec.

anonymous asked:

Your stories are hilarious omw. Do you have any other ones to share????????

The Time I Accidentally Set Myself on Fire

(it kind of speaks for itself, but just in case…. tw for fire)

  • So in my family I’m the one who cooks
  • (Partly because I like it, partly because when I was 13 or so I said to my mum ‘I want to learn how to cook’ and she went ITS YOUR JOB NOW SUCKAAAA and ollied out of the kitchen)
  • And in our old house 
  • (‘The hell house’, we call it, not fondly)
  • that meant using the old school spark lit gas stoves.
  • Now I had been using those stoves for about seven years and had never had a problem
  • Until the day I did have a problem
  • (and in case you don’t know by now, when this stuff happens to me it freaking HAPPENS. ‘how bad do you want it to be?’ the personification of misfortune asks. ‘just fuck me up’, i reply)
  • So it’s 2012, June - which is the coldest time of year for us
  • My brother is outside playing with sticks
  • (He’s 14. He has no excuse. Sometimes he uses sticks from the enormous, carefully cultivated twig collection he kept in the backyard, and sometimes he uses foosball sticks from a set my mother bought and promised to put together but never did, and have long since rusted from my brother using them as makeshift lightsabres and then leaving them outside come rain or shine.)
  • so I go into the kitchen and start to make dinner
  • (Pork and sage ragu)
  • (I’ll never forget)
  • (It was a memorable night)
  • I get out the ingredients and the pots and frying pan
  • I’m wearing at home clothes, which includes a multicolored, fraying cotton top with sequins all over 
  • (It was actually a really nice top. The only reason it got segregated into staying at home clothes was because of a huge tear on the right side)
  • So I go to turn the gas stove on 
  • (As I have done a thousand times before)
  • And to this day I couldn’t tell you if the flames were just really high, or I was standing too close, or if it was the wind factor
  • But for whatever reason, the flame lifts and catches onto the tear in my shirt
  • Out of the corner of my eye, I see the flame is incredibly bright
  • And then I look down and think,
  • Oh.
  • I’m on fire.
  • I try to pat it out
  • Doesn’t work
  • Its been about two seconds of flame on
  • The flames have caught to the rest of my top
  • I fucking 
  • SCREAM
  • I have never in my life, before or since, screamed like that
  • So I’m not thinking much besides FUCK FUCK FUCK STOP DROP ROLL FUCK
  • but for some reason, my ON FIRE fight or flight mentality has time to register
  • DONT RUIN THE FUCKING CARPET
  • i BOLT outside
  • the door is, by some goddamn miracle, open
  • I look like Denethor in return of the king
  • I’m diving for the grass when my brother, terrified, throws a bucket of water at me
  • (THE BUCKET. So we had this pipe on the outside of our house that was corroding and leaking water, and the noise was bothering my mum in a telltale heart kind of way, so she put a bucket out there to catch the water)
  • (Note: it is actually probably a really good idea for you to have a random bucket full of water sitting in your backyard)
  • So I’m half lying, soaking wet, in the grass in my backyard
  • I’m crying
  • My brother’s crying
  • My throat hurts from all the screaming
  • My heart Is thundering like crazy
  • Pretty sure I’m in shock
  • I start laughing a little manically
  • (Kind of sound like the joker)
  • Definitely in shock
  • The neighbors are shouting over the fence asking if everything is alright
  • Their pet geese are sqwaking
  • My mother opens her bathroom window and pokes her head out
  • ‘What is it?!? Is it a snake?!?!’
  • NO, MOTHER
  • I’VE BEEN ON FIRE
  • 'A sNAKE?’ I say, still laughing a little, because really now. We live in Australia, yes, but it’s the goddamn suburbs, everyone knows snakes stick to empty lots and fields
  • So the shock is wearing off and I’m still soaking wet, and my mother is outside now telling the neighbors we’re okay, even though my brother is still crying and I’m deep fried extra crispy
  • She’s telling me to get off the grass
  • I don’t want to get off the grass
  • She wants to have a look
  • I don’t want her to have a look
  • 'you have to get up now okay’
  • I get up 
  • It’s dark out so we go inside and as soon as my mum sees my side she says ‘wee have to go to the hospital’
  • there are a lot of things I’ll do
  • But I fucking hate
  • The 
  • God
  • Damn
  • Hospital

Keep reading

the signs as advice i've been given
  • aries: "sometimes, you just gotta laugh at yourself. you just gotta laugh and move on."
  • taurus: "take a cold shower, go to bed early, and start the next day just seeing how you feel. then go from there."
  • gemini: "you need to be able to talk. not just about, you know, whatever. that's good too but. but about what bothers you. if you want it to change, you have to say something. it's a good start at least."
  • cancer: "my mom used to tell me this and now I'm telling you. you gotta fake it til you make it. right now it's hard to do that. but one day....it won't be fake."
  • leo: "it's ok to be quiet. it's ok to be loud. it's ok to be whatever you want to be, because you can definitely do it. i'm here to help you along the way too. i brought pom poms. it'll be great."
  • virgo: "go fucking shower and then we'll sort this shit out. it's easier to think when you feel clean."
  • libra: "i mean. people are usually too focused on their own issues to really pay yours much mind. you're not as awkward as you feel, they aren't looking."
  • scorpio: "please talk to me. you'll feel better afterwards, i always do."
  • sagittarius: "write it down so you don't forget. start making lists. lists are your friend. friend good"
  • capricorn: "when i was younger like, hell even just like up until a couple years ago. i used to let everything bother me. everything. but then one day i was just like 'fuck it' and now i'm just like 'fuck it' and honestly? it feels good. sometimes picking about what you care about is all the difference."
  • aquarius: "not every battle has to be fought. but sometimes, you gotta fight."
  • pisces: "i'm so, so proud of you for loving and for trying so hard. really i am. but girl....you gotta get something back. you deserve something back."