i'm going to eat ya!

The signs as things my brother has said
  • aries: Ok but it's not even that hot. It's just a /little/ fire
  • taurus: *after coming home drunk* Ice is just... so cold, ya know?
  • gemini: I'm going to go eat a loaf of bread and watch Friends
  • cancer: Happy "the FedEx man dropped you off at the wrong house" day
  • leo: Pop a squat on the Cool Bench
  • virgo: Most people find you...fairly decent
  • libra: *while eating cold spaghetti* at least I'm doing something with my life
  • scorpio: Life can suck but sometimes you just gotta chuck it in the fuckin bucket and move on
  • sagittarius: Haha! I'm so empty inside!
  • capricorn: What's the wizzle homefry?
  • aquarius: *passionately sings Phantom of the Opera*
  • pisces: Don't you DARE drink my chocolate milk ok. It's all I have.
  • Pete: In 1989, I was in fifth grade.
  • Patrick: Wow. I wasn't in grade.
  • Pete: Meanwhile, I could have been walking around the school yard of my grade school just being like, "Hey guys, you see that little kid? Yeah, he's not in nursery school yet. He's going to be my best friend one day. Jealous? Yeah, that's right. See ya later, losers. I'm gonna go eat mashed peas with him."
  • Danny: In 1991, I was in sixth grade.
  • Arin: Wow. I wasn't in grade.
  • Danny: Meanwhile, I could have been walking around the school yard of my grade school just being like "hey guys, you see that little kid? Yeah, he's not in nursery school yet. He's going to be my best friend one day. Jealous? Yeah, that's right. See ya later, losers. I'm gonna' go eat mashed peas with him."

anonymous asked:

[#my first ~novel~ was about a boy who was in love with his best friend and then he DIED and became his best friend's guardian angel] you can't say things like that and not mention the title of the book! that's just cruel!

IT’S INCREDIBLY FLATTERING THAT YOU CALLED MY WEIRD OLD STORY A BOOK! I don’t think it even had a proper title. it literally existed in my head/in a notebook on my shelf. 

I can actually still remember pretty much everything about that story and those characters (read: so I’m gonna fucking talk about it). I can ALSO remember how unbelievably trite and terrible it was. and blasphemous. and really, really queer. I loved it. it was so #me. 

according to the front of this 8ish-year-old notebook, it was called ‘A Boy, Lost’ which is exactly the kind of thing Young Me would have been infinitely into. I probably came up with half this shit while listening to Patrick Wolf’s Lycanthropy, being superior and misunderstood and staring out of the car window at the rolling mountains on the way to my auntie’s wishing I was a fucking faerie. (I can’t even bring myself to not spell faerie like that. I haven’t changed. I am still this trash child.)

LOOK AT THIS!!! WHAT THE HELL, @ME???

while I was flicking through this mortifying notebook I found a folded-up till sheet from one of my first jobs, on the back of which I had scribbled a bit of writing while I should have been cleaning out the minging coffee machine or something, and oh my god. it was long enough ago that I can actually put it up here for yous to laugh at with me, but I am just not chill enough to not hide it under a cut, because, again, oh my god:

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aside from that question being mine, I actually laughed so hard at Andrew’s face. (x)