i'm going home i am drunk

Drunk/Drinking Starters
  • ❝I do not get drunk-- I get awesome.❞
  • ❝I didn't fall... the floor just needed a hug. ❞
  • ❝Wanna know what rhymes with drunk? Sex. ❞
  • ❝Nothing tastes as good as drunk feels.❞
  • ❝I've had... eleventy twelve beers.❞
  • ❝I've been cheating on you with a guy named Morgan. He's a captain.❞
  • ❝I'm not as drunk as I use to was.❞
  • ❝Halloween? More like Hallowe-’re getting fucked up.❞
  • ❝What do you expect me to do- I'm drunk!❞
  • ❝But then I remember that alcohol existed.❞
  • ❝It’s not called slurring your words. It’s called talking in cursive and it’s fucking elegant.❞
  • ❝I’m totally walking straight, but this damn Earth is drunk!❞
  • ❝If you can’t suck a cigarette, you sure as hell can’t suck a dick!❞
  • ❝I wanna bae you up.❞
  • ❝You're so drunk when I'm pretty.❞
  • ❝It's 10;30 and I'm already fucking wasted…❞
  • ❝I'm almost sober...❞
  • ❝We are best friends now. Yeah c'mere, let's get drunk again.❞
  • ❝Why do people wear boxers? They’re just like small pants.❞
  • ❝I am currently dating a tall bottle of Jack Daniels.❞
  • ❝I’m in Pirates of the Caribbean right now..❞
  • ❝Take me drunk I’m home.❞
  • ❝Let’s go dress up like Batman and Robin and patrol the neighborhood.❞
  • ❝Your kitchen is so far away. Who designed this shit?❞
  • ❝Your cat... has it always had a German accent?❞

anonymous asked:

I was scheduled for closing two nights ago, which is fine, nbd, but then (without telling me) was switched with one manager for opening the next day. We close at 2:00am and open at 6:00am and it takes me 45 minutes to get home. How the fuck am I supposed to do 14 hours (2 7hour shifts) on 2 hours sleep??? I 'can't change it' cause it's not fair to *manager*, they're going to a friends birthday party and might get drunk. I'm going to call some coworkers to see if they can cover cause Im not going

Texts From Last Night ask meme!
  • [text] I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
  • [text] on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
  • [text] just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
  • [text] I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
  • [text] This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
  • [text] o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
  • [text] Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
  • [text] Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
  • [text] I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
  • [text] He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
  • [text] After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
  • [text] So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
  • [text] Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
  • [text] Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
  • [text] You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
  • [text] I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
  • [text] Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
  • [text] I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
  • [text] You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
  • [text] This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
  • [text] I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
  • [text] The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
  • [text] I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
  • [text] I think i sorta joined a cult last night
  • [text] I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
  • [text] At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
  • [text] Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
  • [text] omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
  • [text] Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
  • [text] Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
  • [text] Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
  • [text] The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
3

Day 1: first time that Legolas and Gimli gave Aragorn some peace (by stopping their bickering for once in favor of some much needed rest). Legolas just accidentally made his way to where he is positioned, in his sleep, or so he would try to feebly protest later on. Gimli would pretend that he minded very much, although he woke way before he started acting indignant that the blasted elf was using him as a pillow.

And so ends my meager entry for gigolas week.

this is so embarassingly sketchy and bad

halla 💕

i won’t be on here tonight, at least not for a while and probably not while the clip drops (probably at around 22:43 that’s when the sun sets in oslo tonight) because im going to a party (honestly who am i..)

but i just wanted to say i am so happy that i’ve been here with you all through the ups and downs of these last two seasons of skam. all of my mutuals, everyone who i talk too on here and everyone who sends me messages and follow me, i am so thankful for you all!

good luck tonight with the last ever skam update! lots of love from me! you’re all lovely ✨

The Signs Drunk
  • Aries: YOU WANNA FIGHT ME? OH SHIT GIRL, HOLD MY SHIT
  • Taurus: *Frantically searches for the nearest Kebab*
  • Gemini: "I'm not trying to start shit, I swear!!!"
  • Cancer: Is relatively sober, ends up holding back Virgo's hair.
  • Leo: *dances on table, doesn't pay for any drinks*
  • Virgo: Overestimated their tolerance, ends up with head in toilet an hour into the night
  • Libra: *gets pissed off when the group can't decide where to go, ends up cabbing home at 2 AM before the fun's started*
  • Scorpio: Gets wicked hammered, tells a stranger their life story
  • Sagittarius: YOU GUYYYSSS WHY DO WE HAVE TO CAB WALKING IS SO MUCH BETTER *Breaks heel, falls over, proceeds to call cab*
  • Capricorn: The definition classy drunk
  • Aquarius: Makes 50 new friends on the way to the bathroom
  • Pisces: The intellectual drunk. You know who you are.

Nate knew the curfew was still in place and he shouldn’t be out partying, but he was dying to get out of the house and away form his dad. Things had been awkward with them ever since he got his powers and he’d much rather go get wasted than head his dad ask if he was okay one more time. Sure, he’d replaced his letterman with a leather jacket and had been talking to himself recently, but he was totally fine. His dad didn’t seem to understand that. None of the teenagers cared about the curfew, since there were still parties going on almost every Saturday night. Nate, being himself, had to be there of course. After a long night, he was stumbling home from the party, since he wasn’t gonna let himself try to drive home drunk and none of his friends cared enough to make sure he got home. He had gotten lost somehow when suddenly he heard someone following him. He stopped dead in his tracks and laughed, then slurred his words. “Hey… Do you know where you are? Or, where I am? I dunno..”

So it's 2am and this is a conversation I heard between a drunk guy and what seems to be his sober friend
  • Guy 2: Man, this parteyyy was nuts!
  • Guy 1: Yeah dude, and the cake was delicious. Seb ate like 3 whole pieces and-
  • Guy 2: WHAT!!!
  • Guy 1: What?
  • Guy 2: THAT MOTHERFUCKER ATE 3 PIECES OF CAKE WHILE I ONLY ATE ONE?!!!
  • Guy 1: Shit man, relax
  • Guy 2: DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL THAT DUDE
  • Guy 1: You're going to wake up the whole neighborhood, shut up for a bit man
  • Guy 2: I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THIS NEIGHBORHOOD! I WANT CAKE AND I WANT IT NOW
  • Guy 1: It's 2 am, you're drunk as hell and the next day i'm pretty sure you're going to have the worst hungover ever. Let's go home.
  • Guy 2: I AIN'T GOING NOWHERE WITHOUT MY CAKE!
  • Guy 1: For the love of god, IT WAS HIS BIRTHDAY CHARLES. LET HIM HAVE THE CAKE.
  • Guy 2: [I'm pretty sure he started crying] But you know how much I like cake dude
  • Guy 1: Yeah I know, when you wake up i'm going to buy you one man, ok? Now let's take you home.

sentence meme [grey’s anatomy, part 1]

  • “I hate being drunk.”
  • “You are the best thing that’s ever been mine.”
  • “You ungrateful crapdog!”
  • “It’s not childish to hold on to hope.”
  • “I am not finished.”
  • “I wanna be around 40 years from now.”
  • “Dude, run away before I find a brick.”
  • “I get to decide when I’ve had enough.”
  • “I’m not interested in dying.”
  • “Your heart lives in your vagina.”
  • “You’re a freak and I hate you.”
  • “Why didn’t you try harder?”
  • “I like penis. I mean, I’m a huge, huge fan of penis.”
  • “You son of a bitch.”
  • “I’m busy holding myself together with tape and glue.”
  • “You just brought a knife into a gun fight.”
  • “I ate a lot of donuts.”
  • “I love you. I freakin’ love you.”
  • “You don’t get to call me a whore.”
  • “We can be dull and lifeless together.”
  • “I’m gonna hug you.”
  • “Maybe it hurts for a reason.”
  • “I’m never good enough, no matter what I say or do.”
  • “Are you here for me?”
  • “Men don’t discriminate when it comes to jugs.”
  • “I’ll give you ten bucks to stab me in the face right now.”
  • “Pick me, choose me, love me.”
  • “Go sit by someone who cares.”
  • “I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke.”
  • “You’re my family. You’re all I’ve got.”
  • “You love me more than anybody has in a very long time.”
  • “Proving once again that no good can become from a thong.”
  • “You’re poking a bear. A very horny bear.”
  • “I need a reason to get up in the morning.”
  • “Somebody sedate me!”
  • “Jerkface.”
  • “Sometimes I’m a bitch for no good reason at all.”
  • “Nothing says good morning like shower sex.”
  • “Since when has the possession of ovaries become an insult?”
  • “Actually I prefer to be called Ruler of All Evil, but I will answer to Satan.”
  • “We’re gonna survive this, right?”
  • “I’m laughing, just not externally.”
  • “I think you’re beautiful.”
  • “You can do this.”
  • “You wanna know what happened to me? You, you happened to me.”
  • “I’m your person. I am on your side.”
  • “I don’t have time to fall apart.”
  • “I’m gonna eat all of these muffins, and I’m gonna get really, gloriously fat.”
  • “If you want me to respect you, you have to do something worth respecting.”
  • “Don’t be a weenie!”
  • “Don’t you dare come to me for forgiveness, you traitorous bitch.”
  • “No freaking way.”
  • “I think I might’ve died for a second.”
  • “Back off, Scrooge McDuck.”
  • “I seem to be a little bit drunk.”
  • “You hush! No one’s interested in your life.”
  • “You better start to be freaking nice to me.”
  • “This isn’t easy for me.”
  • “I am not doing what you think I’m doing.”
  • “If there’s no food I’m going home.”
WHEN YOU'RE AT THE CLUB BUT YOU MAYBE PARTIED TOO HARD
  • Party Girl: It's fucking lit! *stumbles over while attempting to get to the dance floor*
  • Concerned Friend: Are you alright?
  • Party Girl: Get off me! I'm fine, bitch! I just want to fucking PARTAY!
  • Concerned Friend: I think you've had too much to drink. We should go home.
  • Party Girl: Too much? Maybe you haven't had enough. You're killing my vibe. *tries to reach for bottle at her table but knocks it over*
  • Party Girl: Fuck! Look what you made me do! Now, my clothes are all wet! I gotta go to the bathroom!
  • Concerned Friend: Do you need me to come with you?
  • Party Girl: No, fuck off, Jess! I'm fine!
  • Party Girl: *stumbles into the lady's room*
  • Party Girl: *leans on sink and stares into her reflection in bathroom mirror*
  • Party Girl: *internally* Fuck, I actually am too drunk. It's only 8PM and I'm completely fucking wasted. I ruined another night out, shit. No. No! I can turn this around. I'm lucid now, aren't I? No. That's only because I'm concentrating.
  • Party Girl: *sees a stall door crack open in the mirror's reflection*
  • Party Girl: *internally* Shit! Someone else is here. I have to try to act natural.
  • Party Girl: *immediately vomits, hits head off of sink, and falls over* Urgh...
  • Pallid Woman: *exits stall and stands over party girl* How unsightly.
  • Party Girl: Fuck you *burps* skank.
  • Pallid Woman: That was quite a nasty fall you had. Your head is gravely injured. Look at how much blood you are losing. Truly unsightly.
  • Party Girl: Don't you talk to me like you're some kind of fuckin'... like some fuck... urgh... *stops moving*
  • Pallid Woman: *checks pulse* Goodness, she is dead. What a shame. She was such a pretty woman. No use in letting her go to waste, I suppose.
  • Pallid Woman: *gingerly slips on a pair of surgical gloves*
  • Pallid Woman: *takes out scissors and attempts to cut out party girl's tongue* This is so tough with such cheap scissors. I really have to invest in a nice medical pair. Just a bit more slicing... almost there!
  • Pallid Woman: *tugs at tongue*
  • *tongue pops out*
  • Pallid Woman: Oh, there we go!
  • Pallid Woman: *drops tongue into her purse*
  • *bathroom door opens*
  • Pallid Woman: *runs back into stall*
  • Concerned Friend: Sarah? Oh my god, Sarah! Wake up! Please! God, no! *sobs*
  • Concerned Friend: *runs out of bathroom*
  • Pallid Woman: *quickly leaves bathroom as soon as concerned friend is gone and leaves club through back exit*
  • Pallid Woman: *sighs in relief* Such a thrill.
  • *at Pallid Woman's home*
  • Pallid Woman: *turns on light in her music room* I am back.
  • Tongueless Man: *blankly stares at pallid woman with his jaw hanging open*
  • Pallid Woman: I have gotten a new tongue. It is a woman's this time. I know you have been dying to here a new woman's voice. Her name was Sarah. *walks up to an instrument and places tongue in a slot on its front*
  • Pallid Woman: What are you in the mood for tonight?
  • Tongueless Man: *stares blankly*
  • Pallid Woman: Gnossiennes? It is a melancholic night, I suppose. *lifts instrument's fallboard and plays Gnossiennes No. 1*
  • Instrument: *sings in party girl's voice*
  • Pallid Woman: *stops halfway through the composition* What is the matter?
  • Tongueless Man: *stares blankly*
  • Pallid Woman: Yes. Yes, she does sound off. She seemed very drunk before I was able to get her tongue.
  • Tongueless Man: *stares blankly*
  • Pallid Woman: I am sorry. So sorry. I was a fool. Is there anyone else you would like to hear instead?
  • Tongueless Man: *stares blankly*
  • Pallid Woman: Ana. The young Ana?
  • Tongueless Man: *Stares blankly*
  • Pallid Woman: Yes, her voice is always so beautiful. Perfect for a night like tonight. *removes party girl's tongue from the instrument's slot*
  • Pallid Woman: *goes into her basement* Sorry, Sarah. Perhaps your voice will be better fit for a happier night.
  • Pallid Woman: *searches through her alphabetically organized cabinets for tongues* Oh, it seems that I have another Sarah already stored. It is a common name, I suppose.
  • Pallid Woman: *writes Sarah 2 on an empty cabinet* Here goes your new home, Sarah. I hope you find it comfy.

“Luke?” You whisper, walking into the dark kitchen. Some loud noise interrupted your sleep, why the fuck would he be coming home this late?

“Y/N!” He yells, and then a you hear a thump followed by giggling. Panicked, you rush to turn on the lights. only to see Luke face down on the floor in a star position.

“I fell” he mumbles against the floor. “I fell on my face” he laughs “and now I’m on the floor. because I fell. on my face.” you chuckle at Luke’s drunk state. He is laughing at him self on the floor.

“I can’t get up.” He slurs.

“You haven’t even tried.” You laugh, teasing him. He wiggles his body like a worm and then stops.

“I can’t get up” you groan and help the drunk blonde stand up. He wobbles a bit once on his feet, but pushes your hands away when you try to help.

“Where’d you go?” You ask once he’s seated at the bar. He takes a deep breath and looks up at the celling.

“WHAT?” He yells at something on the celling. You look up at the spot where he was looking. Nothing.

“What’s wrong?” You ask, quite confused at what he is talking about.

“I DIDN’T KNOW WE HAD A BEIGE ROOF” you sigh. He looks back at you and gives a sly smile.

“It’s beeehiieghh” he drags out the word and then laughs at himself. You laugh. He’s obviously had too much to drink. How the hell did he even get up here?

“How did you get here?” You try asking him another question. He purses his lips.

“The boys drove me. I told them about my great roommate who is going to get me more beer!” He says excitedly.

“Nooo, no more beer for you. How about water?” You ask. He pouts.

“It is chocolate milk? I want chocolate milk.” You open the fridge, spotting the chocolate milk.

“Yeah, I’ll get you chocolate milk.” He yells in happiness and begins talking about the club they went too. “And the bar lady person said I should go home. So here I am!” He laughs. You slide the chocolate milk to him.

“y/n?”

“Mmh”

“Thanks for this milk. I love it. My mom says milk helps the brain, or teeth. No the muscles it helps the muscles. And I want to thank you for being my roommate, although you don’t sleep in my bed. That would be great. I love my roomie girl and that’s you” he tiredly rambles. You giggle.

“Thanks Luke”

4/4/2015
  • 5: 30am: I wake up to a text from Brad asking to get drunk at a family laser show event tonight. I enthusiastically accept offer. Why am I awake.
  • 6: 30: Fuck it, I might as well go to the gym while I'm up
  • 7: 00: Somehow I actually make it to the gym
  • 7: 01: Nobody is in the gym. I dance around in the mirror for like 10 minutes before I realize that there are definitely cameras in here. I keep dancing anyway and run at some point.
  • 8: 00: I return home and shower. Sara asks why the cat is sticky. I jest that I ejaculated onto our household pet. Both Sara and household pet are unamused.
  • 8: 20: Dana offers me weed. I reluctantly accept even though I have plans later today- I tell myself that I will only have one hit.
  • 8: 25: Dana calls me a pussy for refusing more weed. My reputation is at stake- I inject more of the marijuana weeds
  • 10: 00: I am now too high to function. I escort myself to bed.
  • 2: 00 Pm: I wake up and take a cab to Brad's house. Cab driver is strangely silent.
  • 5: 30: Brad and I head to stone mountain. We bring a flask of vodka and a bottle of champagne.
  • 6: 00: We purchase an overpriced bottle of coke at the mountain to pour out and replace with champagne. We narrowly avoid discovery by the police patrolling the mountain.
  • 6: 30: We are drunk dancing to early 2000's pop music in the woods. I might or might not have sucked his dick on a particularly romantic looking rock near a creek.
  • 6: 35: I realize that there is no romantic way to suck a dick
  • 8: 00: The lazer show begins. We are surrounded by suburban white families and children, yet somehow start making out. There are fireworks at some point. I feel like an asshole.
  • 8: 30: We try to drive home, but park outside of waffle house instead to sober up. We meet a really nice hobo. Chill ass hobo recieves money.
  • 9: 00: I'm still durnk. I realize that today has been a good ass mothafuckin day

anonymous asked:

I'm a recovering alcoholic angelkin, & I struggled for a long time looking for something suitably ambrosia-like that wouldn't also get me drunk. Then I discovered kombucha (fermented tea). Most of it is hit and miss flavor-wise (YMMV), but SOMA Kombucha in St. John's, OR makes an amazing pomegranate-rose version that tastes so much like Home that I can barely stand to go a day without drinking one. (Google it, friends!)

First, I want to say how proud of you I am. It’s not easy to recover from addiction, and can be a hard choice to make. I am so, so glad you made the choice to get better. I’m very proud of you.

Second, thanks for the recommendation!