i'm crying oh ymgod

The "Bridesmaids" AU one-shot that no one asked for (a present for Hannah)

Natasha and Pepper clinked their champagne glasses together, right as the rough fabric curtain separating First Class from the rest of the aircraft was dramatically swept aside.  Bucky Barnes, lips tilted in a lethal smirk, sauntered in.   The two women kept talking, oblivious.

“Oh darling, we’re going to the MGM Grand Wet Republic Ultra Pool.  It will make you into a new woman.”

“Fuck, I’m so excited.  I’m never excited,” laughed Natasha, grabbing at Pepper’s arm.  Bucky approached, smiling, then began to lovingly stroke Natasha’s red curls.

“Hey buddy, how ya doin’?”  Nat ventured, eyebrow quirking.  

Bucky smiled, sloppy and full and completely blissed out.  He leaned on the back of Natasha’s seat, floating in a Halcyon haze. 

“I’m gooood, Nat.  I’m so much more fucking relaxed now.  Thank you Pepper.  I just feel like I’m exited.  I’m relaxed, but I’m ready to PAAARTYYYYY with the best of them.  And I’m gonna go down to the RIVVVER…”

Natasha turned and cast a subtle glance at Pepper, who had her lips pursed in a tight line, trying desperately not to laugh.

“Wow, looks like someone is really relaxed now,” Nat deadpanned.  Bucky leaned forward, wobbling.

“What’re you gals talking about up here?”

“We’re making plans, dear,” Pepper offered gently, “there’s a restaurant we’re invited to.  I know the owner…”

Bucky clutched at his chest, voice high and mocking.

“You do?  Ooooh, Pepper.  Whoo woo.  Pepper knows the owner.  Big fucking whoop.”

“Hey, James.  Darling.  Let’s go take a nap.  Sleep this off.  Whattaya say?”

Just as she stood to usher Bucky back to coach, a male flight attendant approached.  He was blond and built and had eyes fucking periwinkle blossoms or something.  Bucky just stared.  

“Sir, you can’t be up here.”

Bucky frowned, shoving his bottom lip out in a childish pout.  Why were the gorgeous ones always so uptight?

“Hello grandpa.  I’m sorry, I just wanna be up here with my friends.  I’m with this group.”

“Yeah, can’t he just stay up here for a little while?  The sign’s off,” Nat ventured, smiling sweetly.  

The male attendant was unswayed.  

“No, coach passengers aren’t allowed.  It’s policy; I’m very sorry.”

“Gosh, this plane is very strict.  Welcome to fucking Germany.  Okay, I’m gonna go take a nap.”

Bucky turned and began to amble back towards the curtain.  

“I think that’s a good idea, James,” Natasha rubbed at his shoulder, casting a worried glance towards Pepper.   At the last second, Bucky swiveled around and bellowed;

“CATCH YOU ON THE FLIP SIDE, MOTHAFUCKAS!”

Natasha, horrified, grabbed at the attendant’s forearm in an attempt to mollify him.

“I’m so sorry, he’s a little—“

Bucky’s voice interrupted her.

“I’m LEAVING!  Though, this should be open.  It’s civil rights.  This is the NINETIES.”

The flight attendant’s lips quivered as he rubbed his index finger and thumb against the bridge of his nose.  

“Right.  No sir, it’s not.  You’re in the wrong decade.”

“YOU ARE,” Bucky sniped back, flipping his hair over his shoulder.  

“Okay, right.  I am.”

Natasha, mouth agape, quickly turned to Pepper.  

“Holy shit, what did you give him??”

Pepper began to rifle through her purse.

“It was nothing.  Just one pill…”

As Pepper desperately tried to find the bottle, Bucky slipped behind the curtain.  Natasha strained to look down the aisle, trying to decide whether or not to follow.   The decision was made for her when he burst back through only moments later.   Bucky was now wearing a pair of oversized Dior sunglasses, presumably stolen from Sharon. 

He weaved through the seats and sat down next to a handsome, dark-skinned man.  

“Sir…”  ventured the flight attendant.  Bucky pretended not to see him, voice taking on a dubious and inexplicable Russian accent.

“No, no it’s not me.”

“Yes, it’s you.  Please go back to your seat.”

“No,” Bucky continued, grabbing at the handsome passenger’s arm.  I’m with him.  I’m Mr. Iglesias.”

“Oh my god.  No you’re not.  That’s so offensive,” the flight attendant balked, “you were just up there and you put sunglasses on.  Get.  Out.”

Bucky glowered at him over the top of his designer Diors.

“I don’t want to.”

Natasha, watching in horror, finally grabbed at Pepper’s arm and pulled her towards the commotion.  

“He can have my seat,” Pepper soothed, “everyone should experience First Class in their lives and I don’t want James to miss out just because he couldn’t afford a ticket.”

“I’m afraid that’s not allowed, ma’am.”

“Help me, I’m poor,” Bucky simpered. 

Natasha rolled her eyes and swatted Bucky upside the back of his head.

“Please.  We’re a wedding party and I’m the bride.  I’m getting married.  The seat is empty and he’s obviously nervous.  Let us just calm him down.”

“I understand, but he’s being very disruptive and—“

“Everyone get back to your seats!” Bucky yelled.   The attendant’s forehead looked like it was going to pop a vein.

“You especially, sir.  You have three seconds to get back to your seat.”

“You can’t get fucking anywhere in three seconds,” Bucky muttered under his breath, “you’re setting me up for failure.”

He lurched forward and almost collided head-first with the attendant’s massive chest. 

“Whatever you say….” he squinted at the comically small name tag; “Stove.”

“It’s Steve.”

“Stove.  What kind of fucking name is that?”

“That’s not a name.  My name is Steve.”

“Are you a fucking appliance?” 

“No, I’m a human man and my name is Steve.”

“You’re a flight attendant,” Bucky added unnecessarily.

“That’s absolutely accurate,” Steve forced out with apparent excruciating pain. 

“Huh.  Well, you can call me Bucket.”

With a teasing smirk, Bucky pulled his Diors down over his nose and blew a sloppy kiss at Stove as he dramatically exited First Class.   The entire section cheered.