i'm an idiot for making this joke

harry potter books rated by hinny
  • SORCERER'S/PHILOSOPHER'S STONE: ginny became the ultimate harry fangirl in .2 seconds. 8/10.
  • CHAMBER OF SECRETS: harry literally saved her life and also described her face as glowing like the setting sun what kind of poetic shit. 12/10.
  • PRISONER OF AZKABAN: the ridiculous "making eye contact and trying not to laugh when people do weird things" that they do started what kind of soul mate bullshit. ginny made him a goddamn singing get well card when will your otp. 9/10.
  • GOBLET OF FIRE: ginny started relaxing around harry and we all cried. had the opportunity to ditch neville and go with harry instead but like the Perfect Bean she is, kept her promise wtf harry marry her. 9/10.
  • ORDER OF THE PHOENIX: told off harry effin' potter like it was her JOB lbr he was attracted to it. ginny came up with the name dumbledore's army and also was never weird about harry and cho what a respectful. harry was totes in love with her but didn't know it yet. 8/10.
  • HALF BLOOD PRINCE: harry spends most of the book being an idiot and pining and we all cry. SEVERAL SUNLIT DAYS!!!!! WHAT KIND OF!!!!! GINNY JOKING ABOUT HARRY HAVING A TATTOO ON HER CHEST HAS SHE SEEN HIM SHIRTLESS TO CONFIRM?? TATTOO THIS CHAPTER ON MY CHEST!!!! they break up because they're both noble and stupid i'm gonna cry 50/10.
  • DEATHLY HALLOWS: making out in ginny's bedroom aka me sobbing. harry checking the marauder's map to make sure she's okay, hoping she can sense his gaze jesus CHRIST HARRY LITERALLY ALMOST DITCHING HIS ATTEMPTS TO KILL VOLDEMORT BECAUSE BELLATRIX TRIED TO KILL GINNY CHILL PLS!! they get married and ginny loves harry so much she allows him to make questionable name choices we all cry!!!!! 5745938467983476/10.
Falsettos Characters as Quotes from John Mulaney
  • Whizzer: Hi, I'm very gay and would like a few dollars.
  • Marvin: I never knew relationships were supposed to make you feel better about yourself. That's not really a joke. That's just a little, sweet thing I like to say.
  • Jason: I am very small, and I have no money. So you can imagine the amount of stress I am under.
  • Mendel: I'm a very lucky person. I'm an idiot, and I've shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don't feel like I deserve good treatment.
  • Trina: It's nice when you're nervous and everybody's like, "Yeah, you should be nervous." Because a lot of times you're anxious and people say, "Relax. Shut up." And that just feels like, Well, I guess I'm also crazy.
  • Dr. Charlotte: Don't lie to your doctor. Because if you do, he will stick a part of his hand up your ass.
  • Cordelia: The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.

anonymous asked:

on one hand I'm still pissed about EOnline's bullshit so don't want to vote, but on the other hand I've seen several of the fandoms listed for the thing whining about Clexa being nominated and making dead lesbian jokes, so I also really want to just knock all their ships out and take home the trophy

yeah, because we are petty I think lots will be voting to show those idiots that they joke is on them


anonymous asked:

Can you...take a joke LMAO. I was kidding and I'm actualy ace myself so I'm allowed to make jokes about ace people idiot. It was lighthearted. But you love the drama and attention because it gets you more followers so you had to turn it into a production. Fuck you and Jared tbh. You were better without him.

cheating jokes arent fucking funny so fuck off

Random sentence starters
  • "Did you really just insult Captain America in front of me?"
  • "So you're a liar and a thief."
  • "So are you going to kiss me or can I finish this cigarette first?"
  • "Can I touch your boob?"
  • "Is it bad that I enjoy infomercials more than I enjoy actual television shows?"
  • "So your mother is pregnant and it might be my fault."
  • "You smell like butt."
  • "Please tell me I'm hearing things and that you're not actually listening to Kidz Bop right now."
  • "You either owe me a hundred cookies or a really expensive bottle of vodka—your choice."
  • "What the hell did you just say about my favorite band?"
  • "Please never call me by my full name ever again."
  • "Do you prefer to read or watch your porn?"
  • "I think I need to lose ten pounds."
  • "Who do you love more, me or your mom?"
  • "Tell me the dirtiest joke you can think of."
  • "Were you aware that there is ice cream?"
  • "That was worth seven thousand dollars and you think 'I'm sorry' is going to make us even?"
  • "It's not that you're wrong, exactly, you're just extremely not right."
  • "You shouldn't be trusted with small children, should you?"
  • "Give me cake or give me death."
  • "I'm starting an idiot jar. Any time you do or say anything idiotic, you have to put at least a dollar in it—more depending on how stupid the thing that you said or did was."
  • "Are you actually wearing my underwear right now?"
  • "I want candy."
  • "On a scale from, 'I can sometimes make important phone calls without crying' to 'I have a stable job with a steady income, a spouse who loves me, a dog, and two kids who are screwed up minimally at worst' how much of an adult are you?"
  • "Okay but like, if vampires aren't real, then explain Pluto."
More Vampire Starters
  • "I don't feel good. I think it was someone I ate."
  • "I love Halloween. No need to hide what I am."
  • "Werewolves. Why did it have to be werewolves?"
  • "I could make a joke about eating Chinese and being hungry an hour after but that would be racist."
  • "They do know I'm a vampire, right?"
  • "Most of that stuff in Dracula isn't even close to what vampires are really like."
  • "Fuck Anne Rice and her frilly, bitch ass vampires."
  • "We have a few hours until sunrise, what else do you want to do?"
  • "Silver bullets are for werewolves, you idiot."
  • "Here. You take this crucifix and stake and stay behind me."
  • "Are you sure that's holy water?"
  • "That's not going to work on me."
  • "Disco wasn't the worst thing ever. The classical era was the worst. The fops with their powdered wigs, pancake make up and mincing was way worse than bell bottoms."
  • "I am going to kill and eat you for this."
  • "Don't suppose you have a bottle of O+, would you?"
  • "You don't get a lot of sun, do you?"
  • "I am hundreds of years old. You need to do better than that."
  • "I just need a taste."
  • "You're not going out wearing that are you? It's not the 19th century any more."
  • "Isn't the moon beautiful?"
  • "I'm not sure how old you think I am but I don't do the club scene."
  • "What is that, the sun? What time is it? Why did you wake me up so early?"
  • "Is that screaming? Wonderful."
  • "Come here pet, I'm hungry."
  • "Can't this wait until evening? It's almost sunrise."
Trapped In An Elevator
  • Aries: Fucking fuck! I had plans to go to the grOCERY STORE.
  • Taurus: I really hope the lights stay on so I can finish this chapter.
  • Gemini: I have a prepare kit in case of emergencies, but I'm not going to share anything in it. Especially the flashlight, in case the light goes out.
  • Cancer: Perfect. I was hoping for an excuse to miss the start of my shift.
  • Leo: I'm stressing out because I need to make it to school, but I'm relieved that I'm missing my test.
  • Virgo: I literally hate all of these people and I haven't even said "Hello."
  • Libra: Is everyone okay? Does anyone need anything?
  • Scorpio: I can't tell if anyone is attractive enough to make a connection with...
  • Sagittarius: I guess someone didn't press the button hard enough! Hahaha!
  • Capricorn: Not only am I bored, but now some idiot's making senseless jokes. Life is so mundane.
  • Aquarius: I bet the person next to me just experienced a traumatic event, and the person closest to the buttons just had a promotion at work after going through a hard time, and the person in the corner...
  • Pisces: I'll throw this problem onto my pile of reasons why my week is horrible.
Movie Night with Sam !

 ・ Romantic Movie : He doesn’t seem really involved in the movie. When a sex-scene appears he suddenly takes interest and tightens his grasp onto your arm. You can feel him staring at you with a wide grin.. After that, it’s up to you if you want to finish the movie or get in the..mood ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

・ Horror Movie : You think he’s trying to act tough because he doesn’t react to the jumpscares. But they really don’t get to him ?? You screaming at the top of your lungs and he’s just here, looking at the screen with a blank expression. He actually really likes watching them because you always finish completely over him, grabbing his T-shirt tightly and your face is buried in his neck. What he doesn’t tell you though, is that he always takes a long time to fall asleep after that.

・ Action Movie : He’s so into it. He jumps at every gunshots and have multiple knee-jerk reaction. You can’t help but observe him. His eyes are wide open and he mutters things. You watch these movies mostly to spy on him and his cute faces and reactions. He usually doesn’t notice, but when he does he teases you about your voyeurism ( he’s actually trying to hide that he’s embarrassed.)

・ Comedy Movie : You can’t tell if he’s really into it or not. He has a relaxed expression but he seems to be glaring into the void. After a moment you realise he’s completely absent-minded. He turns his head and you two stare at each other.

“Wait you’re not watching ?”

This kind of movies makes you two feel really calm. And you usually spend most of the movie cuddling and talking about something completely random and off-subject of the movie.

・ Drama Movie : Well that was sad. But nothing too moving really.  You turn your head and look at Sam. His expression is shocked and he seems so devastated. He looks at you with wide eyes.

“It can’t finish like this, right ? Not after everything they did together. Oh my god. I don’t like this ending.”

He’s so involved that it actually makes you laugh. He obviously gets vexed when he sees your reaction. But puppy eyes and a quick kiss make him quickly forget it.

・ Historical Movie : Oh god. You regret starting the movie. 5 minutes won’t pass without him screaming at the screen for how wrong they are. When you finally tell him to calm down you still hear him muttering

‘‘idiots… They obviously never looked at their subject.’’

When it’s finished he makes you a complete presentation about the truth. He’s so serious about it. And he’s cute and can make things appear really interesting and epic.

・ Old Movies : You don’t really like them… and he doesn’t either. He has only watched a few at the orphanage. You both finish all cuddled up, joking at the bad acting or bad special effects.

anonymous asked:

I hate when customers laugh at me for being bad at math. Like sometimes it takes me a few extra seconds because I'm someone who needs to visually see something. Not just be able to do it in my head and I can't stand when they laugh at me and make rude comments. Like they believe I'm working at walmart because I'm an idiot or something. When the jokes on them since I'm saving up money to start my own online business.

I have no idea how long this has been sitting here, I’m so sorry I didn’t respond sooner!!!

But yeah, I suck at doing math in my head. Luckily I’m no longer a cashier! I’m still in retail, and I still have to deal with asshole customers, but I don’t have to deal with money nearly as much as I used to. It’s very nice.

feels-fics-fandoms  asked:

Can we just talk about smol jellybean Matsus? What if s/o is joking with them & is like "Who said that?" Looks around all dramatic "Must've been the wind" finally they're like "oh! I didn't see ya down there!" before smoochin his cheeks...I'm so mean

omg that’s cute! (˶ ・⌄ ・˶ )

I think Osomatsu would absolutely roll with it, giving you a playful “you little-!” while grinning like an idiot. He tackles you later when you’re not paying attention, demanding more kisses.

Since Karamatsu is used to being ignored, he would actually be happy you made a joke with him rather than using him as the punchline. He thinks that it would make a nice recurring gag and will try to convince you to form a duo with him in skits more frequently.

Choromatsu gets pissed easily, and he would most certainly go on one of his “you big people with your even bigger attitudes” rants. Sometimes he tries to kick you in the ankle, too, though it’s always just for show and he never uses enough force to actually hurt you - on the other hand, it makes him look even more ridiculous. He is easily pacified with kisses, so it’s okay.

Ichimatsu would give you the death glare, but that’s all. Expect him later to randomly pounce at you when you’re most vulnerable, though… Biting will be included.

Jyushimatsu would make the face, and after a few seconds of staying silent, he would just randomly pick you up and run around with you as fast as he can.

Totty would honestly just keep making a pouting face at you until you apologize. Beware, he is willing to ignore you for the rest of the day if you’re not fast enough…

anonymous asked:

I remember when Joshifer moments added a little "awwww, those cute kids" to my day. Now, these two make me pissy. If I could make a NY's resolution for each, they'd be: Josh: Work, dude! Figure out what real charities do and, for fuck's sake, GET SOME NEW FRIENDS. Jen: Institute a 10-second rule between your brain and your mouth, talk it AND walk it (feminism) and – I'm begging you – trade up on the fake boyfriends. Seriously. #canwegobackto2015? #cuzIwantto

Originally posted by house-of-foxes

I. Feel. You. Anon. 

We’ve got one idiot who’s greasy all the time, doesn’t work and gambles way too much. We’ve got another idiot who can’t stop saying stupid things, keeps yammering on about privacy but hires paps to take her picture, and thinks joking about drinking on a daily basis is still funny.  

Are they trying to look like crap?  Is this part of the narrative? Look at how vapid and misguided we are? Are we going to get a redemption story come January?  I certainly hope so. 

These two knuckleheads better turn the car around and get us something for which we can be proud, something we can root for. Right now I’ve got nothing to cheer and that’s sad. 

How the next episode of Markiplier's Until a Dawn should play out:
  • Josh: Ha Ha! I sure pranked you guys good!
  • Everyone:
  • Josh: hey come on! Say something?
  • Everyone talks all at once.
  • Ashley: …ghosts… everywhere … ghosts … everywhere…
  • Chris: What the hell man?! I- We thought you were- I thought I had killed you! That was the hardest decision of my life! Oh jeez, oh jeez, WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF I HAD CHOSEN NOT TO SAVE ASH!!! Oh God! I- also Ash stabbed you pretty badly in the shoulder, someone should really have a look at it- dammit! I still don't know if I want to hug you, or deck you- wait, no, you decked me, And Ash, a couple times each- definitely deck.
  • Sam: Oh my God, Josh! You- you… I don't even know what to call you! Perv? For making me run around like a headless chicken in just my towel? I almost caught hyperthermia! Psycho? For- for all of this! Idiot? As any one of us could have killed you in self defence! Just- what is wrong with you?
  • Mike: OK, I'd give you the double bird you deserve, but, you know, I'm missing some Fucking fingers! That is not a joke! More importantly, I think Jessica is dead! And I don't mean, oops, something went wrong and there was an accident, I mean full on murdered!
  • Josh: …ok.
  • Josh: I Came Out to Have a Good Time and I’m Honestly Feeling So Attacked Right Now.

anonymous asked:

CAN YOU DO YOUTUBE DRARRY AU?? Harry and Draco have their own YouTube channels and... you can make up the rest cause I'm bad at this

Draco was not a Youtuber.

Dan Howell was a Youtuber. Tyler Oakley. The Sivan kid.

If anything, Draco was like Zoe Sugg–but better, naturally.

He was a lifestyle vlogger–he didn’t make stupid jokes or show stupid comics or talk like a Texas twink.

And he did not do tag requests, just like he skipped that stupid cinnamon challenge thing. And didn’t his followers appreciate the step-by-step gourmet cinnamon bun he posted instead? Who wants to see him spit powdered cinnamon all over his coveted kitchen, all onto his coveted clothes?

So no, he didn’t take idiotic requests. And he certainly wasn’t taking this one, by some twelve year old with a Doctor Who twitter handle. For fuck’s sake.
Because–the drarry tag with Harry Potter THERE! uwu!–was never going to appear on his channel.

And of all people–Harry Potter?! He was a Youtuber. An insignificant one, too, with less followers than even Troye Sivan had. They’d met, sure–a couple of times at different events–and they had always fought. Not physically, of course, but it was certainly no secret to anyone that they didn’t like each other. Especially not enough to even joke about the boyfriend tag.

Draco snorted and closed Twitter, setting his phone down and imagining, for the sake of humor, exactly what that video would consist of.

Probably the two of them sitting stiffly next to each other on a couch, sharing Draco’s computer and trying not to break out into a brawl on camera, lest they have to stay longer to re-shoot. So they’d open Tumblr as quietly and quickly as possible and type–

Draco suddenly frowned, partially leaned back in his chair. They’d type in…drarry

They had a ship name.

They had a ship name, like Tyler and Troye and Dan and Phil and white guy and other white guy had a ship name.

Draco snatched his phone up again, blood heating and heart pumping as he opened the Tumblr app, immediately clicking on the magnifying glass at the bottom to type in drarry.

To his complete and utter amazement, he got results.

The first one was fairly innocent, just a familiar picture snapped last year of the two of them at a con, glaring at each other from opposite ends of the panel. There wasn’t even a caption, just a singular tag: drarry.

Fine, Draco thought, staring at the picture a moment longer. Nothing there. Just hormonal straight girls.

The next one was a screencap of a tweet from Tyler Oakley–dated a week old. How had Draco not seen it?

me and troye are going as draco + harry for halloween #drarry

Draco stared in absolute amazement. He felt like he was in that Jim Carrey movie Blaise had made him watch–the one about the TV show–and he had just uncovered this conspiracy to his entire life that everyone knew about except him.

And he couldn’t even see it! Absolutely no way! Harry was a scruffy, arrogant asshole and anyone who could even call that whole thing “lovable” probably just wants to rebel against rich parents. His eyes were too green–especially with the lighting he started using in the past few videos–he must film in front of a permanently sunny window or something, because the contrast between the dark of his hair and the green of his eyes and the ebony of his lashes was just plain trickery

Just as he was considering throwing both his phone and his computer out of the window, a twitter banner appeared at the top of his screen.

Harry Potter mentioned you–

He clicked on it immediately, and was brought to Harry’s newest tweet, electricity sparking in his chest as he read.

@dormientesdraco #drarry vid?? free absolutely whenever.

YO hope you liked that–I had to google a lot of stuff about Youtubers but…

I mean it’s not my best but it’s just a drabble :) forgive me, not proofread


narutaco  asked:

i watched that forneverworld about sakura. and few things came to my mind. 1. why people always called her a useless bitch 2. "omg sakura is a whiny bitch" like is it wrong for people to show their emotion? 3. some people say that she treated naruto so bad, i mean what the heck?? all those punches that she did to naruto was a joke, it's just a joke. (i'm sharing my opinion to you about the sakura haters bc i think your good and responding)

Nothing that idiot ever says makes sense. 

Sasuke’s and Kishi’s opinion of Sakura >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> some loser sexist.

Can we please end this bullshit of attacking a person for not knowing every single fact of everything ever, like you do because you’re some kind of all-knowing God.

I feel like Calum would be that kid in your class who would make sarcastic comments about the teacher under his breath. And he’d intend for no one to hear him, but you can hear his stupid little comments all the time since you sit behind him. And one day he would say something so hilarious and funny that you couldn’t hold in your laughter and you’d chuckle at his joke. He wouldn’t really acknowledge your laugh, but hearing you laugh at his jokes made him so happy, and it then became his goal to make you laugh more. The rest of the day he was smiling like an idiot because he made the prettiest girl in school laugh and that’s all he ever wanted to do

anonymous asked:

Prompt- 11th doctor- I'm so sorry please stop crying I didn't mean it, y/n

Originally posted by how-ood

The idiot had decided that scaring you was a good idea. He decided that hiding in the TARDIS and making you hunt for him was a great idea. It wasn’t. The TARDIS was gigantic and the longer it took to search, the more scared you became.

Finally, he decided to just jump out on you…

It didn’t work as well as he planned.

“I’m so sorry. Please stop crying. I didn’t mean it, (y/n).” He pleaded, trying to coax you off of the ground, “Please, it was just a little joke.”

“Scaring me half to death is a joke now?!” You snapped angrily, glaring up at him.

He gulped, “How about some tea?” He asked before darting off to the kitchen. Oh, he would pay for this.